We’ve got some uncomfortable truths about waiting until marriage for sex for you today!

Yesterday on the blog I was talking about the increased rate of vaginismus among couples who wait for the wedding–and what we should do about that.

That’s a large part of the honeymoon chapters in our new books The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex and The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex–which launch on Tuesday (YAY!)

But we’ve got another uncomfortable truth to add to it in today’s podcast, so listen in!

Or, as always, you can watch on YouTube:

Timeline of the Podcast

2:30 Some clarifying beliefs
4:35 “Wait for marriage so that sex will be hot!”
9:45 Why are rates of vaginismus on the honeymoon higher for this group?
21:20 Saving sex for marriage is not an arbitrary rule
25:45 “My wife doesn’t want sex now that we’re married!”
36:30 Some reassurance
39:45 Reader Questions with Keith
59:30 Encouragement!

Main Segment: Sex Isn’t Always Better if You Wait Until Marriage

And we need to stop threatening and bribing people into waiting, and instead talk with nuance about why waiting is good to do.

Rebecca and I tackled two of the uncomfortable truths about waiting:

1. If you wait, you have a 25% higher chance of vaginismus

But even aside from sexual pain, sex may simply not be that great because of the way we’re doing the honeymoon and the wedding night. We’re ignoring the natural progression and the sexual response cycle, and we’re imposing duty and awkwardness onto sex instead (you have to perform now).

And for many couples, it just doesn’t work well!

2. Many couples find that sex was better BEFORE they were married

We’ve also had so many men especially say that their wives were all over them before the wedding, but that all stopped once the wedding was over. And women who say that they lost their libidos afterwards.

We go into why (there are a few different scenarios that may be going on here).

But we also do an impassioned plea for couples who wanted to wait but didn’t to not feel as if God is judging them and punishing them now. You’re allowed to enjoy your marriage!

Can we please stop with the “Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?”

Keith joined me to talk about how this saying is problematic. Even if it’s empirically true (if single women went on a sex strike, more men might commit), is this how we want to portray sex and marriage? That men don’t want commitment, and only marry for sex? Would we even want to marry such a man? And that men want sex and women don’t? Sometimes the way we frame things has great repercussions.

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Reader Question: How do we rekindle love when we both feel rejected?

Keith and I also tackled this reader question, which I think many of us can relate to!

My husband is great!! He is a man that was set in his ways before we got married. What do I mean by this? He washed the dark laundry on Wednesday and lights on Sunday. After dinner he always has to wash all the dishes. Every morning he makes the coffee and brings me a cup and we watch the news.
My problem is my love language is physical touch. Not sex, I have a very low sex drive. His is physical touch. We’ve been married 6 years. We both know the others love language but have felt rejected for so long. My husband won’t go out of his way to hug me and give me random kisses because he’s felt rejected. I now feel that the only way to fix this is to some how overcome my feelings of rejection to give him what he needs. I know once I do he will give me what I need. The problem is I don’t know where to start because it’s hard to ignore my rejection. I’m just lost!!!

That’s a common one, and Keith and I had some tips for fighting the drift–many of which are in our two new books!

The All New Guides to Great Sex!

Available now!

Imagine building a great sex life--from the ground up!

What would it look like to build a picture of sex that was MUTUAL, INTIMATE, and PLEASURABLE FOR BOTH--with no harmful messages?

Welcome to the The Good Guy's Guide to Great Sex and the ALL NEW Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex.

Get them NOW!

And let's make these the go-to wedding shower gifts!

Things Mentioned in This Podcast:

Uncomfortable Truths about the Wedding Night Podcast

What do you think? How can we stop drift? And why is sex sometimes better BEFORE the wedding? Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8

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