Is lust really every man’s battle? And how do we handle different libidos?
It’s launch week for The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex and The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and I wanted to save some of our most important findings from our men’s survey for this special podcast!
I invited Andrew Bauman, a licensed counselor and author of the new book How Not to Be an *ss, and Carl Thomas, who runs xxxchurch.com, on to talk about our new stats. And then Keith and I tackled two reader questions about libido issues!
Timeline of the Podcast:
0:10 We’ve launched!
2:05 Andrew and Carl join in!
4:00 Defining porn
9:45 What men vs women believe
15:30 But what is lust?
22:15 Where is the hope?
31:45 What is a normal man?
38:00 RQs: Libido differences and sexual bad habits
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Main Segment: Let’s talk about our porn and lust stats!
We shared the stats I mentioned yesterday about lust, but also looked at our porn stats–how many guys watch porn now; how many have watched it in the past; how many consider it a problem. We looked at the obligation sex message and the other harmful teachings we measured to see how many guys believed it. And we looked at how these things impact marital and sexual satisfaction.
All of these are based on our survey of men for The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex–which is now available!
And joining me to react were:
Andrew Bauman, Co-Director of the Christian Counseling Center for Sexual Addiction and Trauma. He’s a licensed counselor with specialties in sexual addiction, and he’s been a frequent guest on the podcast. He’s written several books, including The Psychology of Porn, and his most recent book is a collection of essays around abuse, entitled How Not To Be an *ss.
Carl Thomas, founder of Live Free and Director of XXXChurch.com. Carl recently acquired XXXChurch, and has transformed it into a community for people battling sexual compulsions. He has a Masters in Theological Studies, and is dedicated to helping the church defeat shame. His most recent book is When Shame Gets Real: A New Way to Talk About Sex, Porn and Masturbation.
How Do We Deal with Differences in the Bedroom?
Then Keith and I tackled two reader questions that feature quite prominently in both The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex and The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex–dealing with libido differences, plus what to do if she doesn’t reach orgasm!
One woman writes:
My husband is very attentive to my needs, and always makes sure I have an orgasm, but my libido is still low. An ongoing issue in our [multi-decade] marriage is him feeling upset that I rarely initiate. He takes it personally, especially because he tries so hard to make it enjoyable for me….which then leads me to feel guilt, anxiety, stress, and obligation. Like he is saying, “here, I worked really hard to make you this awesome chocolate cake!” and I still don’t want it. We have had many conversations about it and I always communicate that it’s not about him. But I just need/want it far less frequently than he does. Whenever he asks or initiates, I oblige, but I still rarely initiate. In all honesty, (and I don’t want to hurt my husbands feelings, or insult him in any way) I would typically rather sleep.
And the next wrote:
My husband and I did have sex before we were married. It was fast, and I rarely orgasmed (though I can in about 15-20 minutes, so I don’t take that long), but I didn’t want to say anything because we weren’t supposed to be having sex anyway.
Fast forward to the honeymoon. We had sex daily. And yet, I was left hanging 90% of the time. This left me pretty resentful. I know e loves me and is very attracted to me and he gets so excited he forgets sometimes. I do believe him when he says this-so I have been asking him to slow down and be more intentional. It has gotten better, but I am SO hung up on the hurts from the honeymoon and also conversations that took place after, where he said that I am too much work and he doesn’t want to engage in that. I know that some of what he said was out of hurt and frustration because of this topic, so I don’t know how much weight to put on his words in those moments since I honestly do have an issue with bringing up these heavier topics up at not the best time.
I have such a hard time balancing speaking up for myself and prioritizing BOTH of our pleasure while not feeling resentful. He stated once he would prefer to have sex daily, and honestly so would I! But then it doesn’t happen and it leaves me confused. And I believe it’s because he doesn’t want to engage with me and “do the work”… (I do try to initiate as well, that area is pretty balanced). He also frequently mentions that he is inexperienced in this area (which I am grateful for honestly because he stopped viewing porn in high school, we are 26 and 27), but the issue is the HEART behind it and his desire to truly know/care about me in this area or not.
Listen in on our answers–and again, I do believe the two new books would help with both of these scenarios quite a bit!
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Things Mentioned in This Podcast:
- The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex and The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex–they’re here!
- Our Patreon–support us for as little as $5 a month and get access to unfiltered podcasts and our exclusive Patreon group
- Andrew Bauman and his book How Not to Be an *ss
- Carl Thomas and his book When Shame Gets Real
- Knix bras–our affiliate link to support this blog! In the United States or Canada
- Our recent post on how lust is not every man’s battle
What would you say to our two readers asking questions? Or do you have a take on some of our new stats? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire
Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
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