/

About a quarter of women never reach orgasm, or very rarely reach orgasm, when they have sex with their husbands.

Another quarter orgasm only sometimes.

According to our survey of 20,000 Christian women, only 48% of women is orgasm reliable.

During the month of October, we’re talking all about orgasm, leading up to the launch of our Orgasm Course on October 26! (Make sure you’re signed up to the email list so you’ll get notified when it launches–and you don’t miss the launch bonus!)

Last week we talked about how you’re not broken if you don’t orgasm, and in the orgasm podcast last week I elaborated on that and shared some of the research on what makes orgasm more likely. And then yesterday Rebecca shared 5 things the research tells us makes orgasm more likely.

Today I want to paint a picture of what sex can be like for women who don’t orgasm–with thanks to some awesome commenters who first gave me these analogies!

Last week I was working on the men’s add-on to our Orgasm Course (a mini-course for men which will walk husbands through understanding female sexuality and helping her reach climax), and I shared this with them:

 

Dinner and Orgasm - The ORGASM SERIES: What Sex Is Like for Women Who Never Orgasm

Imagine if we were taught that what women really need to feel loved is to go out to eat at a restaurant at least once a week, where you talk and enjoy a delicious meal. This is the pinnacle of marriage for her. This is how she feels loved.

So let’s picture a couple–Tracey and Dan–who try to live by this.

One Tuesday night, Tracey and Dan head to the restaurant. They order appetizers, and a main course, and a dessert, and the coffee and tea.

The waitress comes with Tracey’s appetizer–a steaming bowl of cheese and broccoli soup. Tracey eats it and declares it delicious. But nothing comes for Dan.

Then Tracey’s steak arrives. Dan’s still wondering where his appetizer is, but Tracey starts slathering on the butter and the sour cream onto the baked potato, and takes a bite of the steak with peppercorn sauce and asparagus. She loves it. She declares it amazing.

While Tracey’s eating, the couple also starts talking about the future. They imagine what life will be like when the kids are teenagers, and they don’t have to get up at the crack of dawn anymore. They dream about one day going on that vacation to the Grand Canyon they’ve always mused about. They wonder about fixing up Tracey’s uncle’s cottage, and spending a few weeks there this summer. They talk about Dan’s work and how it’s both stressful and rewarding at the same time.

Now Tracey’s steak is finished, and the waitress is heading towards the couple again.

In front of Tracey she places a steaming, luscious molten lava cake. Tracey squeals in delight as she scoops some out with her spoon.

Just as she’s almost finishing, the waitress finally arrives with Dan’s chicken wing appetizer. Dan’s ecstatic, and he digs in, eating one quickly, and then another.

But before he can get to his third, Tracey stands up, ready to go home. “Dinner was just amazing,” She declares as she heads for the door. He follows behind her, glancing at the chicken wings still there, uneaten.

“I just love doing this with you,” Tracey says.

Now imagine that Dan and Tracey do this, every week faithfully, for ten years.

How do you think Dan will feel about eating at restaurants?

 

For many women, that is exactly what sex is like, year after year.

Another commenter shared this analogy:

Imagine that, for your wife, what she really loved was, for lack of a better word, humping your leg. She wraps her legs around your leg, and rubs herself against you until she climaxes, and then she’s done. And she rolls over and announces that that was amazing, and how much she loves you.

How would you feel about sex if that was all that you got out of it?

When we look at those illustrations, it seems obvious that something is wrong.

And yet, why don’t we notice that something is wrong in real life when it is women living this out, year in and year out, in the bedroom? We can see the problem when we’re talking about couples going to restaurants. We can see it when we’re talking about one-sided sex in her direction.

But we don’t see it when we’re talking about sex where only he orgasms.

It’s largely because we believe that women’s orgasm is secondary to sex, and that if women don’t orgasm, it’s because they’re broken.

What would happen if, instead of accepting a woman not orgasming as normal, we instead, as Christians, considered women’s orgasm a vital part of sex?

What would happen if, when we got married, we focused first and foremost on helping her feel comfortable, feel arousal, and reach orgasm, rather than simply having intercourse? What would happen if we prioritized her pleasure instead of his?

Okay, quick check-in: Did you get uncomfortable reading that last paragraph? Did you feel, “well, if we prioritize her over him, then we’re just being unfair in the other direction!” Or perhaps you thought, “Well then he might never get sex, because what if the problem is with her? He’s not supposed to live in a sexless marriage just because she has issues!” Or maybe you thought, “we can’t just say you don’t get to have intercourse just because she doesn’t feel aroused!”

We’re actually quite quick, as a whole, to talk ourselves out of why a woman’s orgasm should matter as much as a man’s.

We can easily picture a marriage where she doesn’t orgasm as still being a healthy one, but we can’t picture one where he doesn’t get to orgasm as being healthy.

And that, my friends, is part of the problem.

Or maybe I should say it’s the main problem.


You may also enjoy:


When we think of her orgasm as secondary, then when she takes a long time reaching orgasm, she’s going to feel self-conscious, like she’s imposing. When she needs something more to orgasm beyond what he needs, she’s going to feel broken. Because his orgasm is the standard, his orgasm is the one that is emphasized, then when it isn’t happening for her, she tends to internalize the problem and blame herself for it.

And that makes reaching orgasm even more difficult.

If, instead, we believed that sex wasn’t really sex until they were both enjoying it, then maybe things would be different.

If she wasn’t enjoying it, it wouldn’t be her problem; it would be THEIR challenge to work through together.

To throw an even bigger wrench in things, women are told that they should enjoy sex, even if they don’t orgasm, because of how great it is for their husbands.

And there is something to that. In our focus groups for The Great Sex Rescue, we talked to many women who didn’t reach orgasm but who still craved sex because they felt close to their husbands during sex. That’s wonderful. Many women who didn’t orgasm still said, in our survey, that they enjoyed sex.

But I wonder how much of this is women internalizing the message that their pleasure isn’t important?

To return to our dinner saga, imagine if the husband were told, “You can’t feel badly about not getting your dinner; you should take pleasure in how much she enjoyed it and in the closeness you felt from the conversation you shared.”

We read that attitude in emails all the time. One man wrote that his wife doesn’t want sex anymore, and now she won’t even give him manual stimulation, even though it felt so great for him. “Why can’t she just be happy about how happy she’s making me?”

Perhaps we need to keep that dinner saga in our minds, and ask something different. Maybe the goal should not be both people being happy because they got to sit at the table. Maybe it should really be that both are dedicated themselves to making sure it’s good for BOTH of them?

And the way that God made our bodies, that means that women need to be a little bit selfish.

If we’re going to orgasm, we actually can’t be thinking, “well, at least I get to make him feel good.” We have to let ourselves take. And men? They need to let themselves give. No matter what happens, they’re going to have an orgasm (in the vast, vast majority of cases). So the emphasis should be on figuring out how to give to her.

I know that this is difficult for many women, and many wives already feel as if they’re failures, and they’re imposing on their husbands too much by trying to get their husbands to make them feel good. I know many couples feel a little bit (or a lot) hopeless.

But it is not hopeless! She is not broken.

Orgasm is very, very possible, and even very likely, if we can learn to accept the idea that her orgasm matters. It’s not an afterthought. It’s not inconvenient, even if it takes a long time. It’s not an extra. She’s not being selfish if she wants the things that lead to her orgasm. It’s the main event, and God made her to be able to revel in pleasure, and enjoy a long build up, and have great fun. So let’s stop thinking of sex as something that he automatically gets to enjoy, while she MIGHT enjoy it, and instead see it as something which you BOTH should enjoy, together.

I’m not trying to put more pressure on women who are already struggling. I know how hard that can be. But I also know that the breakthrough often comes when we start believing the right things about how we were created to be sexual. And when we discount the importance of our own orgasm, or think that our sexual response is wrong or “less than”, we damage ourselves. That’s what we’re trying to undo in The Orgasm Course, and I hope it will really help you!

 

Want to Experience that Orgasm Breakthrough?

Sign up to my email list so you don't miss the launch of The Orgasm Course--and the specials that will be on during Launch Week!

How do Women Feel about Sex if Its Never Good - The ORGASM SERIES: What Sex Is Like for Women Who Never Orgasm
So here’s what I want to ask today: Why is it that we recognize that the dinner saga is wrong, but we don’t recognize that her not having an orgasm for 10 years is wrong? Why do we have a difficult time advocating for her orgasm? Let’s talk in the comments!

The Orgasm Series:

And don't forget to check out:

4d5d2dc667e7acd64221c42a103248a4?s=96&d=mm&r=g - The ORGASM SERIES: What Sex Is Like for Women Who Never Orgasm

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8

Related Posts

Tags: