If a woman isn’t enjoying sex, is the husband to blame?

We received a comment recently from a woman whose husband has been listening to our Start Your Engines men’s podcasts, where we’ve been talking about the importance of foreplay. And he was becoming sad, because he felt like we were saying that it’s his responsibility to make sure that she feels good.

So today Rebecca and I tackled this in our podcast! Or rather, I should say Rebecca went on some epic rants that you really just have to hear!

And we’ve got our podcast on YouTube now, too, so you can watch it!


(And, yes, we’re filming this in my closet again. The sound is really good in there. We’re working at making the sound better in Rebecca’s office, but we’re not done with the foam squares yet!)

Anyway, I don’t want to sum up the podcast entirely, but I will give a few thoughts.

She is responsible for getting herself in a positive frame of mind about sex

Sometimes the way that we think about sex gets us into negative territory–like we’re not even neutral towards sex; we’re actively negative towards it.

There’s little that men can do about that (except for the concept of emotional labor and mental load! Guys do need to understand that!).

But we’ve written a TON about that, and we’ve even created courses on it, like our Boost Your Libido course.

Are you TIRED of always being too tired for sex?

Do you yearn to actually WANT to make love–and figure out what all the fuss is about?

There is a way! And in this 10-module course I take you through what libido is (it may surprise you!), what affects libido, and how we can reclaim the excitement that God made us for.

And we do need to give ourselves positive messages about sex, and these may help:

And you can sign up for my 5-step sex pep talk! It’s an email sequence to help you see sex in a positive way, and it’s totally FREE.

So as you can see, I have written a LOT on how to help women see sex in a positive way.

In fact, that was really my goal in writing The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, too! Get rid of all the negative messages and the shame that we hear about sex, and understand that God made sex for you, too.

But when it comes to sex actually feeling good–well, he’s the one most responsible for that. 

He can do everything right, and if she’s got negative shame messages yelling in her brain, she won’t feel good and she won’t want sex.

But at the same time, if she’s raring to go, there’s only so much she can do to make sex feel good for her. He needs to take the reins on this one. There’s no getting away from it.

And we don’t think that this should be cause for a guy to be sad (as this commenter said her husband was). It shouldn’t be cause for a guy to feel defeated. It should be an honour to make your wife feel wonderful!

Just a few posts that we’ve written about this:

And so, so much more!

And if this is a challenge for you, 31 Days to Great Sex helps you figure out what feels good for her, step by step. It confronts the lies she’s believed about sex (and the lies he’s believed), and it helps you figure out what arouses her and how she feels pleasure.

I won’t write anymore, because you have to hear Rebecca’s rantings! But just because a wife needs a husband’s help to enjoy sex does not mean that he has a reason to mourn or to feel sad because it’s not as “natural” for her. This is the way God made our bodies. God wants men to serve their wives and to be sensitive to their wives. This is an opportunity to serve and to see the pleasure you can bring your wife, and that’s a good thing, not a bad thing!

What do you think? Does your husband get frustrated that he’s got to make you feel good? Or, if you’re a guy, how do you feel about this? Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8

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