It’s the last Thursday of the month, so it’s time for our Start Your Engines podcast, directed towards men (and their wives, of course!)

And today we’re talking all about flirting. 

So first, listen in!

When it comes to flirting with your wife, don’t think “groping”

We opened the podcast talking about the complaints I often get from women about how their husbands often “grope” them at inopportune times. And then we turned to how to flirt in a way that does invite her in!

We started with analyzing this comment (and many others about groping):

My husband and I talked about this VERY thing this last weekend. (We have been married several decades and have a great sex life, and recently became empty-nesters. We have enjoyed our recent found freedom of the empty-nest and we finally have time to discuss in detail issues like this. We both learned some new stuff this weekend. My husband has always thought I enjoyed the ‘game’ of rebuffing his grabbing play. He looked at is as just that…a flirtatious game. He grabs, I push his hand away, the game is on. I had no idea he viewed it that way. I was able to share with him that I really do NOT enjoy the grabbing and pushing away, and that it never turns me on. He was honestly surprised. (Talking really IS so important 🙂 ). As we discussed the issue further, I was able to explain to him that a rough grab forces me to pull away and refuse, where a soft touch or gentle caress is an invitation for me to draw near and lean in. I let him know that a soft touch, a gentle caress, a whispered kiss on my neck was MUCH more arousing to me than a grab or tug EVER could be. He was genuinely grateful that we had that conversation, since it never once occurred to him that I wasn’t enjoying the game of tug and pull :). And I had never really understood his thinking behind the continued grabbing, nor had I ever been able to put into words, until now, exactly why I felt the way I did about the two different types of touching. I am grateful he finds my body attractive. I LOVE his touch, but I honestly prefer a softer, more seductive touch. Now he knows and he is making changes.

Then we turned to some advice on flirting!

Here’s the breakdown of the podcast, with time stamps (why didn’t I do this before? This is such a great idea).


0:00 Intro with Sheila and Keith
0:51 Some Thoughts from Facebook about Groping
3:02 The Different Perspectives with Flirting
9:50 Respecting Boundaries, and how Talking is Key
13:05 Context and Timing!
17:28 Rebecca and Connor talk How To Flirt Without Turning Your Wife Off
19:11 Why Your Signals Might Be Getting Crossed
23:13 The Culture of Flirting in Your Marriage
29:31 What Are You Communicating When You Flirt?
35:18 Outro with Sheila!

And here are some more resources that can help you with flirting well with your wife, that we mentioned in the podcast!

I hope those help! And remember–so much of this can be helped if we just learned how to talk to one another about it. So here’s a quick exercise you can do together tonight:

YOUR HOMEWORK: What counts as flirting?

As a couple, talk about these questions:

  1. Are there times I’m obviously trying to get you turned on or in the mood, and I’m missing the mark?
  2. How much of a role does context play in flirting for you? Can you think of something I did that was just perfect–but at the wrong time?
  3. What kind of flirting is your favourite?
  4. Can you think of something in particular that I did to flirt that was exactly the right thing at the right time? What made it right?

Take turns answering, and try to ask clarification questions–“tell me more about that”, “why did it make you feel that way?” But don’t challenge your spouse or tell them that they’re wrong.

Just listen to understand!


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Sheila Wray Gregoire

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8

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