If you’re a Christian, can you be a sexually confident woman?
Absolutely! In fact, you should be a sexually confident woman, because you understand the richness of how God made sex!
I’m just back from an amazing vacation (and I’ll post about it on Friday; I really needed the mental health break), so I thought I’d rerun a post that I really liked that caps off our sex and your body series in February.
So here are some thoughts on what a sexually confident woman is, and what to do if you feel that you lack confidence!
1. A sexually confident woman knows that it’s okay to have sexual desire.
She knows that she was created with a sex drive. She knows that while sex is certainly beautifully intimate, it’s also about something primal which is about pleasure. She yearns to feel that and pursue all aspects of sex.
(and, if she’s single, she understands that’s still how God created her to be; and she works at transferring that energy into something else while she waits for marriage!) But she doesn’t get mad at herself for having sexual desire in the first place.)
2. A sexually confident woman knows that it’s okay to initiate sex and make something happen.
Just like a sexually confident woman has desires, she also knows that her desires are just as important as her husband’s. And so she’s not afraid to initiate sex with her husband. She’s not afraid to say, “Okay, I’m totally in the mood tonight, and I want to feel good!”
3. A sexually confident woman is in touch with what she likes and what feels good, and is eager to share this information with her husband.
A woman who is confident in this arena is also a woman who knows that she was created to feel pleasure, and that it’s important that this happens. She knows that sex was not created just for her husband. And so she’s eager to figure out what works best for her in terms of foreplay, positions, timing, etc., and she’s not afraid to share this information with her spouse. In fact, she’s eager to have those kinds of conversations, even if they’re breathless. (Here are some foreplay ideas to get more active, too!).
And she knows that her arousal matters, too (and here 10 things to know about women and arousal.)
Are you TIRED of always being too tired for sex?
4. A sexually confident woman enjoys enjoying her body.
She knows that she doesn’t have to have a perfect body to enjoy sex. In fact, it’s her sexual confidence that, in a way, helps her also to accept her body more. And she loves the parts of her body that feel good during sex, and she loves dressing them well and feeling confident with them.
She’s motivated to take care of her body, but her failure to look like a supermodel doesn’t steal sexual energy from her. She knows that God created sexuality to be more than just about attracting multiple people of the opposite sex, but instead about having fun and showing love to one particular person. And she’s excited to do that!
5. A sexually confident woman deliberately stokes sexual energy.
A woman who values sex knows that sex is fun and that sex is important, even if her libido isn’t always ramped up. So she deliberately does things throughout the day to put her in a more sexy frame of mind, because she values the sexual side of her life. Even if she’s not always “in the mood” automatically, she decides that this is a priority for her. So she flirts more; she enjoys being pretty; she imagines throughout the day what she wants to do tonight. She doesn’t put sex on the backburner until she magically feels “in the mood”; she prioritizes it even when she doesn’t.
6. A sexually confident woman knows sex is a great part of her life and tries to make it a big part of her life.
In a similar way, a sexually confident woman knows that sex is fun and that it benefits her marriage, and so she deliberately makes it a big part of her life. She stokes her own libido, but she also tries not just to settle for the minimum she can get away with. Her default is “why not tonight?”, rather than “should I tonight?”
If you’re a Christian, can you be a sexually confident woman?
In fact, you should be a sexually confident woman, because you understand the richness of how God made sex!
7. A sexually confident woman knows that sex should be mutual
She knows that sex was created for her just as much as for him, and that means that her needs and desires matter, too. That also means that she feels the freedom to say “no” when he asks something that she feels is demeaning, sinful, or dangerous, because she knows that sexuality is a gift that she must protect to keep herself emotionally and spiritually healthy, too. She isn’t afraid to try new things that sound fun, but if something crosses a line, she calmly says no.
She also knows when she needs a break physically or emotionally, and isn’t afraid to ask for it, knowing that the beauty of the sexual relationship does not rest solely on whether she performs, but instead primarily on the way that they treat each other.
She knows that she wasn’t created just to serve her husband, but that he was created to serve her, too. And so she doesn’t allow her own boundaries to be crossed which may wound her sexually and emotionally.
Now, a bit of what a sexually confident woman doesn’t need to be.
Sexual confidence is not about skill or experience or even whether or not one is really orgasmic. Sexual confidence is about a mindset that knows what God made sex for, that knows it is good, that has a positive view to it, and that is focused on making sex great, even if it’s not quite there yet.
In other words, it’s about how you think, not about what you experience. So it’s something that we can cultivate by learning more about sex and by focusing more on God’s intentions towards sex. And it’s something that you can even get ready for before you’re even married by coming to terms with your body and with the fact that you are a sexual being (even if you have to transfer that sexual energy elsewhere right now). And it’s exactly why I wrote The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex–to help you figure this stuff out and to feel more sexually confident.
Sexual confidence is also a journey. I don’t want you to beat yourself up if you can’t say yes to each one of these elements of confidence. I just want you to look at them and ask yourself, “Hmmmm…..I’m really lacking in this one. Maybe it’s one I can concentrate on now!” Pick one and decide that you’re going to work on it, because confidence really is something that we cultivate on a lifelong basis.
And now I want to help you do that!
So let me know in the comments: which of these aspects of sexual confidence do you want to work on? Let me know, and let’s talk about strategies to grow in those areas!