When Your Husband Doesn’t Protect You from Your Mother-in-Law (or other toxic relatives)

by | Dec 16, 2019 | Uncategorized | 75 comments

What to do when your mother-in-law treats you terrible at Christmas

When you have difficult relationships with your in-laws, it’s not up to you to sort it out.

In general, it’s better if the blood relative intervenes on your behalf.

But what do you do if your husband won’t stand up to his mom (or dad)? Or what happens if you have a sister-in-law who is always making cutting remarks, and your husband doesn’t see it?

Christmas is a time when relationships with extended family, and all the drama that can come with that, take center stage.

But what if your husband won’t intervene with his mother on your behalf? What if he doesn’t see the problem–or, if he does see it, he’s unwilling to deal with it?

This is what so many women talk to me about–a mother-in-law who interferes, or who is very cutting, and a husband who doesn’t do anything about it. Sometimes husbands just don’t see it, because the mother-in-law treats the son like an angel, but then says absolutely terrible things to the daughter-in-law whenever she’s alone. The husband misses all the bad stuff, and can think that the wife is exaggerating. Alternatively, the husband just doesn’t see it because he emotionally can’t–he’s being treated horribly, too, but he can’t deal with admitting this to himself.

I wrote a long post a while ago which is quite comprehensive about this: What to do about a mother-in-law who interferes. I recommend you read that one! But I want to mention a few things today.

In as much as it depends on you, try to love your mother-in-law.

Your mother-in-law does not have to be as wonderful to you as your mom (if you have a great mom). It’s okay if your relationship with her is more based on the fact that you’re related, and that’s about it. You don’t need to be best friends. She doesn’t need to be your confidante. But she is your children’s grandmother (if you have kids), and she is your husband’s mother. She’s going to be in your life for a long time. Rather than getting into a power struggle, it can be so beneficial to just try to pursue a relationship with no expectations.

As James wrote, “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,” (James 1:19). And Paul said something similar: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12:18). It is possible to just not get angry at people if we remain emotionally aloof, and look at their interests rather than your own. That does not mean that we should tolerate abusive behaviour (and I’ll say more about removing yourself from abusive situations), but sometimes we do get worked up when it isn’t always necessary. This is your husband’s mom, even if she’s not a nice person. Whatever you can do to be generous to her will be appreciated by him.

Then, if you stop expecting you and she should have a close relationship, then when she says something ridiculous you can see it more in that way–as ridiculous–rather than as hurtful (I’m not saying she’s not being hurtful; I’m just saying that if you distance yourself emotionally, you can be more like a casual observer of the situation than a participant, and you can react accordingly.

So if she says to you something like:

 

“I can’t believe how fat you’re getting. You should take better care of yourself. You look horrible.”

You could try:

 

“Thanks for the feedback. I love how your turkey turned out! It’s so lovely and brown.”

That should leave her cold, because she was trying to get a rise out of you. If you just acknowledge it, and then change the topic by giving her a compliment, that would likely throw her off.

Or you could be more direct,

“That’s a very rude thing you’ve said. I sure hope you don’t speak like that to others, because they may not take it as well as me.”

And then leave the room. Don’t get emotionally invested; just leave the room.

If you don’t think you can do either of those two things, then remain glued to your husband all night so that she doesn’t have an opportunity to say anything biting. But when you resist the urge to get offended, sometimes you bring a peace to the relationship all on your own. If you do find yourself with your mother-in-law, ask her questions about something you know she loves to talk about. Compliment her. Show genuine concern about some things. She may find that she enjoys talking to you!

Repeat what she has said

Another tactic that works well for bullies is to repeat what they have said. So if your mother-in-law makes a comment about Joe, her nephew who is unemployed, and then launches into a diatribe about welfare recipients and how they’re all deadbeats and taking everyone’s money, you can pipe up and say,

“Mom, are you saying that Joe is a deadbeat who is taking everyone’s money?”

Usually, at this point, people retreat a little bit. I’ve seen my son-in-law David use this tactic in many conversations, and my mom uses it all the time, and it does tend to floor people!

After giving a lot of guidelines in my previous post about interfering mother-in-laws, I ended with this:

 

From What To Do if Your Mother-in-Law Interferes:

What if Your Husband Never Chooses to Leave and Cleave?

What if you’ve done all of this and your husband is still at her beck and call?

Can you move away? I’ve known several marriages that have broken up that I’ve always felt would have survived if they had just moved away from her parents (in those cases it was SHE who wasn’t leaving, not HE).

If that’s not possible, you have two choices:

  1. Grow bitter about it and make his life miserable
  2. Decide to let it go and love your husband

I know that everyone would be better off if your husband learned to leave and cleave. But you can’t make him. You can seek out a mentor couple; you can ask for all of you to sit down with a counselor; you can even go to your pastor. But if things don’t change, what are you going to do?

I wrote a post a while ago about changing our attitudes when there’s one big area where your husband disappoints you–and you have to learn to accept it, and find ways to make your own life happy and peaceful anyway.

If you know that your husband is going to talk to his mom every night at 7 for an hour, then can you find something you do at 7 that you enjoy, so you’re not disappointed and stewing every evening? If you know that your mother-in-law is going to want your husband to help her with errands this Saturday, can you plan something fun for you and the kids so that you don’t end up making him feel guilty?

And if your mother-in-law wants you all to come do something with her, it’s quite okay on occasion to say, “I really need a weekend just with the kids. I’d love for you to join us, but if you feel you must go with your mother, feel free. But I think I’ll keep the kids here with me this weekend.” You don’t need to go along with everything; you can set boundaries yourself.

 

I think that’s a good perspective, so that’s my final point:

Remove yourself from difficult situations

If the conversation gets too difficult, it’s okay to leave the room. In fact, bring a book so that you can go somewhere else and just read, or bring some toys and then you can retreat into a room with the children until it’s time to go home. Make it clear to your husband beforehand that if his mother (or father, or whomever) crosses a line with you, you will have to remove yourself from that situation.

Sometimes a situation is so toxic that you just feel as if you can’t emotionally handle seeing her at all. And in that case, you can say to your husband:

 

You are welcome to do whatever you would like for Christmas, but I know that I can’t handle seeing your mother right now, so I will stay home. I would like it if you stayed home with me, but if you feel as if you can’t, then you can go alone this year.

You can’t draw boundaries for your husband, but you can draw them for yourself, if necessary. Again, though, I’d see this as a last resort, and only when the other things don’t work, or when you’re just too emotionally tired to deal with the games right now.

If you do need to take this step, and if he’s upset at you enough and he goes anyway, I would suggest seeing a licensed marriage counselor to talk through some of these issues, because they do matter.

    When your husband doesn't defend you from your mother-in-law at Christmas: how to set boundaries

    Have you ever been in this situation with your husband? How did you handle it? Let’s talk in the comments!

    Written by

    Sheila Wray Gregoire

    Tags

    Recent Posts

    Want to support our work? You can donate to support our work here:

    Good Fruit Faith is an initiative of the Bosko nonprofit. Bosko will provide tax receipts for U.S. donations as the law allows.

    Sheila Wray Gregoire

    Author at Bare Marriage

    Sheila is determined to help Christians find biblical, healthy, evidence-based help for their marriages. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8

    Related Posts

    Is Someone Stepping on Your Air Hose?

    So many women--and many men as well--honestly feel like the church is hurting them. I do not believe that it is Jesus that is hurting them, but the things that the church teaches, especially around sex and marriage, do cause harm. Our surveys have shown that...

    Can Sex Be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?

    Can sex be hot and holy at the same time? One of my big picture passions that I want people to understand is that sex is more than just physical--it's supposed to be deeply intimate too. And maybe to understand that, we need to take a step back to see what God thinks...

    Comments

    We welcome your comments and want this to be a place for healthy discussion. Comments that are rude, profane, or abusive will not be allowed. Comments that are unrelated to the current post may be deleted. Comments above 300 words in length are let through at the moderator’s discretion and may be shortened to the first 300 words or deleted. By commenting you are agreeing to the terms outlined in our comment and privacy policy, which you can read in full here!

    75 Comments

    1. Nathan

      I have to admit that I was guilty of this earlier in my marriage. Hopefully I’ve improved since then.

      Reply
      • Mary J

        Just wanted to say *hugs* It’s tough, recognizing your own failings and working to improve. Best person to ask if you have? Your family.
        But sometimes it’s nice to hear “good on you” from someone else, even if it’s some stranger online. 🙂

        Reply
    2. Jane Eyre

      This applies to women, too: you can’t let a toxic family member or friend “have a go” at your husband, shouldn’t let your mother run your marital household, etc.

      It’s really hard and emotionally draining to establish these boundaries, but, unfortunately, toxic relatives tend to give you the choice between your marriage and your family of origin. Life is easier when you understand that it’s your family of origin, not your spouse, putting you in the middle. But spousal support is really key here: no matter how much you may dislike these people and think “good riddance” if they flounce off when your spouse establishes boundaries, it hurts your spouse and s/he deserves to work through that pain.

      Reply
      • Sheila Wray Gregoire

        So true! Absolutely. I knew a woman whose mother was always bad-mouthing the husband, and my friend eventually left her husband. I always thought that that marriage would have stood a chance if the mother had just not been involved.

        Reply
        • Wendy Weeks

          I can say it’s refreshing to see others out there with horrible MIL. I feel like I could write a book about my husband’s family and they would put it in fiction because nobody would believe it.. My husband and his siblings I swear were brainwashed or something by a woman whom has sat on her duff her whole life and played the depressed victim card for 60 plus years. When i joined this circus I had a child from a previous marriage whom was 1. I quickly found out she would say things like, I just don’t feel the same way about my non blood grandchild as my blood grandchildren…. She definitely had a favorite grandson and all of the kids in the family knew it. She was insistent on controlling all Holidays with time and place and no exceptions. But would never prepare any of the food or plan past those guidelines…. When my mother died suddenly 9 years ago i cracked.. I’m a only child and it was extremely difficult for me and my child to except. I finally had enough and one year sent out the lovely Christmas text to all the family! My sister in law whom is married to my husband’s brother still says it was her favorite gift😂 I basically gave my husband a chance to check mama or I would and he probably wouldn’t like it. He refused like he had for 13 years to see mama as a issue so I did. I told them that after losing my mother suddenly I wasn’t interested in forced interactions with folks I didn’t like. I told them I would not be attending anymore of these effective immediately. I spoke of how mama had no desire if we came anyway as she really just wanted control and her own family there. Now what came next is unbelievable.. They can’t leave me alone and respect my space.! It’s like that for as just gas to try to force me to like them? Y’all these folks are nuts. I broke down and went to a Thanksgiving randomly, big mistake! My dad also came and my husband’s slut newly divorced sister spent the entire time trying to pick my dad up! So I haven’t been to any function since 2019. This is disgusting to me because I want traditions with our own children that don’t include any of them every holiday but it seems like mama seems to win . I could go on and on but I have gone no contact with these folk’s because i truly believe they are nut jobs.

          Reply
          • Egr

            Agree !!! 100% my husband is a strong willed outspoken attractively bold man. BUT ever since his mother moved in, she controls the TV and takes up the entire living room every day!!! I have never been less attracted to my husband. I would have never married a mama’s boy; to see him turn into one at 40 is the least sensual thing that could ever happen!!😯😫

            Reply
    3. Tiffany

      My husband not standing up to his family has been my #1 libido killer. There were times it took me a month to feel any desire for my husband after being around his parents (we live in different states so infrequent visits). It has improved over the years but still is an issue. It takes about a week now to feel even the slightest desire for him after seeing them.

      Reply
      • Sheila Wray Gregoire

        I get it, Tiffany. I think when family is further away ironically it makes it more difficult, because when you do see them, it tends to be for a prolonged time. When you live in the same town you can come over for dinner and then leave. When you visit, you’re often with them all the time for days on end, and it’s much harder to leave. I’m sorry.

        Reply
        • Samantha Cantwell

          Today at the supermarket a man we didn’t know started yelling at our 9 year old because she had looked at him. She burst into tears as this guy screamed at her. So of course as mama bear I yelled back. Said that no one talked to my daughter like that, and of course she was staring at him, he was so fat! Probably not my finest moment but I was so angry! My husband though didn’t defend our daughter, didn’t say anything, just walked away even while the man was continuing to yell at us and physically threaten us. In 13 years of marriage he’s never defended me to anyone. His parents are always openly telling me what a bad mum I am and a bad wife, even sending texts and saying it in front of the kids. I finally put my foot down last month and said that they weren’t welcome in our home anymore after they sent me a particularly nasty text. Husband wants to just forget about it (like usual!) And move on. I’m so angry and upset by all of this that I can’t trust him to defend me when needed. What happened to times when as a women you were under your husbands protection? What do I do?! I certainly lose any love or desire for him when I think on how WEAK he is.

          Reply
          • Sheila Wray Gregoire

            I get that, Samantha. That must have just been awful in the store. Likely your husband has a deep-seated issue (which isn’t unsurprising given what his parents seem like) where he finds asserting himself or defending anyone very scary. And that leaves you feeling very unprotected. This may be something that counseling would help. Otherwise you can talk through the emotional needs post, and talk about the need for security that you have, and what that looks like to you. If that conversation happens int he context of “here’s what we both need” rather than “here’s what you’re doing wrong”, he may be more open to hear it.

            Reply
      • Lois

        Honestly, I think that if he’s not going to stand up to his family for me, then it’s my job to stand up for myself, rather than allow myself to get thrown under the bus and verbally/emotionally abused.

        We’ve been married 10 yrs. My husband comes from a very enmeshed, controlling family and was clueless to it for years, and though I told him what they were doing to me he always brushed it off as me over reacting and not understanding them.

        I finally had enough and we went to counseling in 2013. Well! He finally realized I wasn’t crazy, but even then, it took years for HIM to stand up to them. In 2015 or so *I* started going for counseling on my own and learned my own value and that even if he wouldn’t stand up, I could! WHAAAAT??!!
        Life-changing!!! I wish I’d learned about boundaries way sooner and enforced them for me and my daughter instead of waiting for him to protect us. I’d have a lot fewer in-law wounds now, and a lot less trust issues with him I think. Interestingly, 90% of the time when I set a boundary for child & me, hubby will default to it as well even though I tell him that I won’t put me & child in the situation but he’s free to do whatever he wants.

        Reply
        • Sheila Wray Gregoire

          Way to go, Lois! That’s awesome. And I think you’re right. When we stand up for what is right, the husband is often empowered to do so as well.

          Reply
        • Sasha Dawson

          Wow, my husband has only defended me once in over 50 years. I don’t know why I stayed so long. His mother was so nasty at times.
          She picked at me, my siblings, my kids…but the worst was when she bitched about my granddaughter. That was the straw. She apologized a month later but I didn’t accept it. I guess she never liked me. She was hurtful so many times. When I showed her photos of my sisters wedding, her response was, “you girls made beautiful brides but you’re all homely. How sad. I never knew what that word meant. When I talked to my husband about all of the things she said, and told him I was hurt, ( and this pisses me off). He said “ she didn’t hurt you that much did she? Then he told me to speak to her…in other words take care of it myself. Any hurt can be too much. Needless to say, there hasn’t been a lot of desire for many years. And that’s sad.

          Reply
          • Lisa m Jones

            I have been in this situation. 26 years but we ended up divorced about 12 years ago because of his refusal to defend me and I lost all respect and desire for him. So of course he cheats and his family helped him do so. Its hard.

            Reply
        • Anon

          Hi Lois,
          Do you and your daughter still visit his family?
          Thanks!

          Reply
      • Grace

        I like the use of “Libido killer”Tiffany.I feel the same too.He wouldn’t stand up for me My MIL would complain about me to my husband and he wld not say a word to protect me but rather he would come to me complaining about what his mother said His mom and sister would disrespect me and he wouldn’t do anything about it.He seem to always be aloof or ask me to overlook anything done to me.It hurts alot because I couldn’t fight for myself.
        I don’t like to go for family gatherings with them because they are controlling.I always feel betrayed and not protected That has been my issue for 10years of marriage.So I find it hard for me to give my body to him.

        Reply
      • Maddie

        I am grateful to learn I am not the only wife that has felt this way after being hurt and rejected by her husband. Not having your husband stand up for you when his mother behaves badly towards you and others is painful. It hurts to be rejected by the one who you want most on earth to be accepted by. God give us wives the forgiveness of christ and the love of God For our husbands are also victims of abuse.

        Reply
      • Devin

        This is exactly how I feel! How does he expect me to be in the mood when he’s let his mom control our lives? It would be such a turn on for me to see him stand up for us.

        Reply
      • Kelly

        IDK if it’s a relief to read I’m not alone or just sad that so many people have to go through this. My MIL and I actually had a decent relationship prior to our first born. From the day she stepped foot into the house things have never been the same btwn us. As a new mother I was trying to get an understanding on how to breastfeed and as soon as she heard him cry she tried to take him from me and asked me what was I doing to her baby. [cringe to say the least] Now we have another and nothing has really changed. Prior to kids, I welcomed the idea of her coming to help out but she came a week after he was born and hasn’t left. Now her husband has joined the party and she’s no better. From undermining what I say, to feeding them what she wants, speaking Spanish about my kids in front of me while I’m standing there, not enforcing things while they live in our house and being passive aggressive its so toxic I’ve thought separation, divorce, and even just leaving. I’ve told my husband the things she done and he always has an excuse for her because he wants to give everyone the benefit of the doubt – it hurts that my telling him what’s going on isn’t enough. I’m at my wits end and don’t really know what to do and he expects them to live with us for another 3-4 yrs because they watch the kids for us.

        Reply
    4. Anonymous

      I’m not sure I 100% agree. There are definitely times when it is appropriate to cut someone out of your life. And to be honest, if they are treating you this way and your children see it what message are you sending? In addition what horrible things are they saying to / around your children that they are overheating? My moms family is super toxic and they never treated her well. Always badmouthed her. And all that time those same relatives were doing some serious damage to some of my siblings about weight (they were children at the time,5-10 ish in age. ). Getting rid of some of these people makes life a lot safer for you and your children. Emotionally at the very least.

      Reply
      • Maria

        Agreed. Would like to add that letting bullies hurt you while pretending it’s not all that bad will not help the situation. The proper way to deal with toxic people is boundaries. And accountability, if you are in a position to hold them accountable. Like calling them out on it. An example of just that was in the blog post.

        Reply
      • Sheila Wray Gregoire

        Yes, I’d agree, and that’s really what we were talking about last week on the podcast–when to walk away. The problem is if your husband doesn’t see it that way. It’s difficult to unilaterally decide, “My kids and I will have no contact with your mom” if your husband doesn’t agree. There are times it’s necessary, and if he doesn’t see that, then you really need to sit down with a licensed therapist and talk it through. And if you fear they are abusive, you can certainly draw boundaries for yourself (and your kids potentially). But you can’t make him do that, and that’s where it gets tricky.

        Reply
    5. Nathan

      Wow. Criticizing kids under 10 for weight issues? Yikes.

      Like I said in another thread, we’re lucky, as we have no truly toxic people in our family.

      The worst thing I ever heard from anybody was about 15 years ago. My wife was considering going back to school and taking some classes to pursue a different career path. Her brother told her that she was way too old to consider a career change. Not that it matters, but she was under 30 at the time!

      Reply
      • Sheila Wray Gregoire

        I know. I can’t believe some of the stories I hear from others! Makes me so grateful for our families.

        Reply
    6. Meghan

      This is related, but still a bit off topic: How does this advice change if the in-laws aren’t abusive, just boundary violating or thoughtless?

      Example: My MIL has begged and pleaded for us to come to their house (45 minutes away) for the whole day ever since we had our daughter, age 2.5 now. For Thanksgiving this year we finally caved and, to sum up the day, it was awful. I have told her time and time again that our daughter doesn’t nap well outside the house and desperately needs to get enough sleep or she turns into a tiny terror for several days. She saw firsthand how much missing a nap affects her but she still doesn’t understand why we can’t come over for Sunday lunch or even for a spontaneous afternoon invite. They used to come to us more regularly but for some reason they stopped. My husband has spoken with her but it didn’t make a difference.

      Reply
      • Sheila Wray Gregoire

        Meghan, I totally hear you! My kids were the same way. I guarded their nap time ferociously, because it was what kept us all sane!

        I think you just keep repeating the same thing, ‘Mom, we would love to see you, but we are only available to leave the home from 4 pm to 8 pm. If you want to see us for longer, you’ll have to come to our house.”

        And if she persists, then you repeat, ‘Mom, I’ve already told you. We’d love to see for longer, but we are only available to leave the home from 4 pm to 8 pm….etc etc.”

        And if she persists, then you repeat, “Mom, when you keep repeating the same thing when we’ve already told you that we can’t, we feel very uncomfortable. We’d appreciate it if you abide by our boundaries. We are trying to do the best we can for our child and for our family, and we ask you to respect that.”

        It sounds mean, but it’s actually a healthy response. And if she keeps at it, then you keep responding, not in anger, but being firm. I hope that helps!

        Reply
        • Meghan

          We’ve set boundaries and generally enforce them. Up until recently it hasn’t been a problem because they were more willing to come to us or at least meet us halfway if they wanted more time with us. I mean, she still begged us to come see her at her house but it wasn’t quite as frequent. But for some reason my MIL has gotten this vision in her head of all her grandchildren surrounding her at her house for meals and whatnot and it’s just honestly not feasible right now. We have lives. We have 2 other sets of grandparents to visit too. I think we need to sit down and chat with her about where this is coming from because clearly “we can’t come until she wakes up from her nap and we need to leave before dinner” isn’t working so well any more.

          What makes me sad is that my mother sees our daughter far more than my husband’s parents do, and she lives 2.5 hours away! The difference is she comes to stay with us at the house. I wish his parents were more willing to do that but they’ve declined every time we’ve offered.

          Reply
      • nylse

        Meghan, it sounds like you generally like your in-laws but you’re also a new mom. New motherhood is tricky. If you can have a real heart to heart conversation it might be helpful. Perhaps they can spend the day at your house with the grandchild so they have a better chance of knowing her grandchild. Then when you spend time at her house she can accommodate the grandbaby’s needs. Don’t let a 2 yr old ruin the relationship with your in laws. Remember children grow up; things change.
        My assumption here is that you generally like your in-laws.

        Reply
        • Meghan

          I do. They’re good people who love us very much. We have asked them to come stay with us several times but they always decline. It’s a real shame because our daughter is truly a delight when she’s in her routine.

          Reply
    7. Nathan

      Meghan, I’m sorry this is happening. I don’t have much advice to give. As far as I can tell, you’ve done everything you could. If you and hubby tell them directly what the problem is, and they’ve even SEEN the problem (daughter with no nap) and they STILL don’t get it, there’s not much else you can do.

      All I can suggest is to keep telling them over and over and over until they finally (we hope) understand.

      Reply
      • Meghan

        I think sometimes grandparents remember the small child phase with rose colored glasses, or they just had easy kids who could truly go with the flow. I know their other grandchildren are a lot more easygoing and can adapt to new routines quickly, so I think they just assume we need to keep trying and eventually it will work. I think my MIL needs to chat with my mom about what it’s really like to raise a strong-willed child, hahaha!

        Reply
    8. Natalie

      This reminds me so much of my parents. They’ve been married for 35 years and my Nana (dad’s mom) has been absolutely terrible to my mother since they got back from the honeymoon. She did some serious triangulation with all three of her children; the only one to escape that as an adult and save her family from most of the damage was my aunt who moved clear across the country.

      My mom has (I think) done a stellar job at trying to be loving and kind to my Nana. My dad has continued to submit to everything his mother requests of him and put her over his own wife. Since he doesn’t want to address his own personal issues which have also led to their marriage issues, progress will not be made in their marriage. My Nana (who claims to be a “Christian” too and loves to lord over everyone else how holy she is) thinks God told her she’s going to live to be 105 years old. 🙄🙄🤦🏻‍♀️ She is in stellar health for an 85 year old. And since my mom is in poor health (no doubt in large part contributed to the marital and MIL issues she’s had her whole married life), it’s highly possible that her MIL problems and thus marriage problems will be around till she dies. She’s accepted this and made peace with it. In situations like this and if you still choose to stay married (I’d personally have divorced long ago if my husband allowed his mother to treat me like my Nana treats my mother… it’s been THAT bad!), I’ve seen it’s best to just ignore the MIL, find lots of hobbies and friends outside of your husband and family, and try to occupy your time with that. Living a life that doesn’t extend much beyond your husband, children and family will just continue to put your energy and focus on your MIL/husband/marriage which you cannot change by yourself.

      Reply
      • Sheila Wray Gregoire

        Great thoughts, Natalie. And how awful that your father is doing that! How terrible. What does he say when you bring it up? Do you and your siblings (if you have any) have any influence over him and for protecting your mom?

        (and I’d totally agree with you about finding outside support and interests).

        Reply
        • Natalie

          My father (like his father) is notoriously silent when it comes to talking about issues, whether they’re brought up by my mother, me, my younger brother, or literally anyone else. My mom has wanted to go to couples counseling with him for years, but he never consents cuz he hates talking so much. He’d rather not think about it, brush it under the rug and put on a happy face, and spend his time working or doing hobbies he enjoys to distract himself.
          The saddest part is that he can’t do anything to grow and strengthen his marriage with my mom unless he confronts this, which he’s unwilling to do, which has resulted in their current roommate-marriage situation and no sex for almost a decade. Every time I’ve discussed this with my mom, she seems to think it’ll never change because my dad will never change. Every time I even try to broach the subject with my dad, be either deflects or shuts down. So for the foreseeable future, they’ll have a stagnant marriage, same as they’ve had for at least a decade. I really don’t see any of that changing unless my Nana passes away. And secretly, I hope that happens in the next 10 years and they she doesn’t end up living to 105 like she says she will. (But unfortunately, women reaching the 100 year mark or older are the norm on her side of the family and she seems to be following suit.)

          Reply
    9. Jennifer

      Oh wow…I could go on a tangent. My MIL is one of the reasons I have wanted a divorce. How my husband has chosen her in the past, not defended me, and then when he has matured and has tried to talk to her, she doesn’t apologize or says she has done nothing wrong. She defended his past porn addiction(thankfully my husband owned his addiction) and anytime I have tried to talk to her, she always says it is my fault.
      Just recently, she gave money to her granddaughters and not my son…in front of my son (and everyone, so we can’t say anything). BTW–I think my son missed it.
      There is such a divide between me and her, and honestly, my husband’s siblings and their families that it has caused me to erect a wall between me and my husband that is so hard to break down. The worst…..they are Christians! I know that doesn’t mean perfection, but I don’t want their Jesus.
      Thanks for this article! I hope that it helps marriages.
      Be blessed 🙂
      I

      Reply
      • Sheila Wray Gregoire

        Unfortunately, I think there are many “Christians” where we wouldn’t want their Jesus. I’m sorry.

        Families are strange things. Patterns tend to replicate in generation after generation; pain that isn’t dealt with is repeated. The only thing I can say is just try really hard to make sure the pattern stops with you!

        Reply
    10. Nathan

      > > claims to be a “Christian” too and loves to lord over everyone else how holy she is

      I know somebody like that. To him, being a good Christian is mostly a “no list” combined with some outer show. He doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t do drugs, doesn’t use profanity or watch R-rated movies, etc. He goes to church every Sunday and lets everybody in ear shot know how noble he is.

      As for the being good and kind to people department, well, let’s just say that nobody’s perfect.

      Reply
    11. Nathan

      As for Meghan’s issue, where she has explained and shown the issue to her in-laws and they still just won’t see it, and the need to keep telling them, I’m reminded of a passage from one of my favorite sci-fi books…

      “Evidently he had concluded that attempts to make them see the obvious by appealing to their powers of reason alone were not enough; his only resort then was insistent repetition until they either concurred or went insane.”

      Hopefully, it won’t come to THAT, however.

      Reply
    12. Mary J

      This is good advice- set boundaries, make expectations known, and speak calmly and clearly. It’s especially important to speak up before you go, if this is an ongoing issue.

      I would add one more caveat- when there are kids involved, you can NOT worry about others’ hurt feelings. If Mom -in-law and Dad-in-law are doting grandparents who don’t show their nasty side to the grandkids, GREAT. then the kids can go with Dad as long as he’s willing to not allow the ‘rents to run you down to your kids- you need to be firm on that point- but if they are not? Do not expose your kids to toxicity. Do not allow anyone to abuse your kids just because “it’s grandma/grandpa.” No. YOU are your children’s only protection and it is your responsibility to defend them. Period.

      I highly recommend The Mama Bear Effect for parents looking for more tips and knowledge on navigating family interactions and particularly for preventing child sex abuse in all situations.

      Reply
    13. Arwen

      Oh, Sheila, i can’t even began to tell you how utterly toxic parent-in-laws are in some cultures. Oh my gosh! It’s hell to be trapped in family structures like that. At least i’m grateful to be a Christian where i can use the Biblical argument of leaving your father and mother, to remove toxic family members. But those who don’t have any support from their gods and are instead trapped in cultural traditions, often leave the wives in major depressed and husbands turning to violence in an attempt to solve the extreme browbeating inflicted on them by in-laws! Last night i watched a documentary where a husband poured acid on his wife’s face because the mother-in-law didn’t like his wife’s objecting to her getting in the way of the wife raising HER kids HER way. I just can’t!

      I have always said, hyper individualistic societies and hyper communal societies are both just toxic! We know extremes of anything are bad for humans. If we can just find that one perfect happy medium culture that would be great! It doesn’t exist! I can’t wait for you to do a podcast on Gary’s book. I already know i’ll love it!

      Reply
    14. nancy

      Have you noticed that there are NO good jokes about mothers-in-law. It is EXPECTED that they will cause trouble. That is VERY unfortunate, because there are LOTS of mothers who want to have a great relationship with their daughters-in-law and could have a wonderful connection IF there was not so much expectation that there would be trouble. Could you please write about Ruth and Naomi, and how a GOOD mother and daughter-in-law relationship could develop. What about honor and respect? What about positive expectations? What about Daughters-in-law making the effort to reach out in love, etc. etc. etc.

      Reply
      • Rebecca

        I have a lovely mother in law. She came and stayed with us for a month when I was due to have my second child and it was the best thing ever. (My own Mum and dad are a lot older and weren’t able to). I live my own mother tremendously – she is an amazing woman who has accepted all her children’s spouses with love – but my mother in law is a close second.

        So, we are out there! It’s definitely possible to have great relationships with in-laws.

        Reply
        • Sheila Wray Gregoire

          That’s lovely! My daughter Katie has an amazing mother-in-law (Hi Darcy! She sometimes reads the blog so I’ll just say hi). I can see both of us tag teaming with Katie when she has a baby–I stay with her for a bit, and then Darcy joins up. In many ways, Katie and Darcy are mirrors of each other. She’s much more like Darcy personality wise than she is like me. But I’m still her mom, so we both have very special relationships with her!

          Reply
      • Noel

        Biggest caveat with Naomi/Ruth? The son/husband was dead and there were no grandkids- i.e., nothing to fight over. I have known women who had great relationships with their mils until they had kids. I have even noticed that my mother, who is a good mil to my husband and her other sons-in-law, is unreasonably critical of my sister-in-law, particularly regarding my nephew. My sister and I have decided it’s natural law.
        I tried with my mil- she didn’t. Couldn’t, I think. (She is quite elderly, and almost illiterate.) She is a very difficult person, and her own children have had to establish boundaries with her. There is normally a reason for stereotypes.

        Reply
        • Sheila Wray Gregoire

          Yes, a lot of people do have iffy relationships with mother-in-laws. But a lot don’t, too! I really enjoy my mother-in-law, and I hope my sons-in-law like me. My husband really likes my mom. So it can work well. But most of the questions I get are from people where it’s not working.

          I think, as the daughter, trying to overlook as much as you can is likely a good start. But there does get to a point where you can’t overlook it, especially with kids. Then that gets really hard.

          Reply
        • Jane Eyre

          My mother is nicer to men than to women. That’s just how she is. (I would say that I’ve made peace with it, but the next time she says that she’s “always wanted sons” or tries to get my husband to admit a strong preference for a boy, I might just lose my @”#+ on her.) If she had daughters-in-law, she would probably be rough on them.

          Not yet sure what kind of MIL my father’s ex-wife will be, if her son gets married, but she’s piously declared that when a son gets married, the mother gains a daughter and loses a son.

          My MIL is really great. All of her daughters-in-law (I’m the third) think very highly of her.

          So, yeah. There’s a range, but, from what I’ve seen, the daugher-in-law dynamic is just drawing out existing problems. Otherwise normal and loving women don’t turn into nutjobs; that dysfunction was already there.

          Reply
          • Sheila Wray Gregoire

            Completely agree. Otherwise normal women stay normal; but when there is dysfunction, it’s heightened when you add someone else to the family who has a claim on your son and also a different perspective.

            Reply
            • Madeline

              Very true Jane and Sheila! My husband loves my mom and she just loves him. Their personalities really click. I had an absolutely terrible time with my husband’s stepmother, but we eventually cut off most contact with her and it looks like she and my father-in-law are divorcing anyway. We had to separate ourselves after years of my husband trying to work it out with them. My husband’s mom is an interesting mix of the two extremes..I think because of her own history of divorce she genuinely wants her sons to have strong marriages and wants to be supportive of that. At the same time she can be so stubborn about having things go her way and I feel like she uses me as a scapegoat for pre-existing issues between her two sons. Soooo the future with her may be interesting.

          • Lindsey

            Jane Eyre (btw, I love that novel!),

            Showing a strong preference – to the point of treating them much better – towards men/sons is actually a hallmark of narcissistic mothers according to the book I’ve read (I’ll link below). I have followed your story through your comments for awhile, and I know you’ve experienced strong dysfunction in your family of origin. Is it possible that a personality disorder is at play?

            My grandmother is a narcissist, and my mother has many tendencies – although preferring boys isn’t one of them. My mother is the one who gave me the book to read after she read it to help her understand her own relationship with her mom. I’ll link it for anyone who may find it helpful, but please be aware that it could be…triggering, for lack of a better term.

            https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436/ref=nodl_

            Reply
            • Sheila Wray Gregoire

              That sounds really interesting, Lindsey. Thank you.

    15. Isadora

      I had some issues with my mom after I got married. She had always been controlling and manipulative while I was growing up but I never fully realized how bad it was until I got married and had a lot of baggage that my husband helped me work through.
      A couple months after we got married, she was demanding information from me about my pregnancy and wouldn’t leave me alone. My husband saw my distress from across the room and came right over and told her she was not allowed to demand information of me if I wasn’t ready to give it. She was very upset at the time, but we have never has a problem since, now that we have laid clear boundaries.

      Reply
      • Sheila Wray Gregoire

        That’s lovely!

        Reply
      • Maria

        You know, the rule that “never bring up an issue with the in laws, always let your spouse do it” rubs me the wrong way whenever I hear it. Now I know why. Sometimes, confronting ones in-laws is the right thing to do.

        Reply
        • Sheila Wray Gregoire

          I agree, and I should have stressed that more.

          The problem is this: You can bring things up with your mother-in-law all you want. But if your husband is not on board, it is unlikely to have the effect you want, because you’ll be working at cross purposes. And what usually bothers women is less the mother-in-law issue and more that the husband does not see it as a problem. It’s really more a marriage issue.

          But, yes, please bring it up with the mother-in-law and try to solve the immediate crisis. But you’ll still have to deal with your husband on the issue.

          Reply
          • Maria

            Sheila, does this statement seem sensible to you? If your husband has not done the work of setting boundaries between him and his mom, it can feel as if every conversation you have with her may as well be a conversation involving him, too. Because she’ll just drag him into it (and he’ll let her).

            Reply
            • Sheila Wray Gregoire

              Yes! That’s it exactly.

    16. Anonymous

      I am so thankful you’ve spoken on this. I am so over my MIL & don’t really know how to deal w it. A few months ago our daughters were staying with them. While out in public, our child was dancing in the seat & my MIL told our 6 yr old at the time, “stop acting like an idiot”. When I found out, I about died. I told my husband he’d better take care of it but he didn’t in a timely manner so I handled it. I told her it was completely NOT ok for her to call my child that. She apologized to us & her but the wound is still there. Both of our girls tell us when they come home from there that they’ve been told to “shut up”. Another dialogue we don’t use. My in-laws will take a bath & make our kids take a bath in their NASTY water! Still, to my knowledge, he hasn’t said anything to them. He has just told our girls what to say to handle it. (It’s not their job to “handle” their grandparents. It’s his job to stand up for me & for our girls). Then this last week, I left them in their care so that I could go to my grandmother’s visitation. Both of our girls called me in tears while I was at the visitation. The in-laws we’re trying make them wear ugly clothes out in public so as not to mess up their visitation clothing. I called my husband & told him to deal with it.
      I can respect him for wanting to respect his parents but enough is enough. I tolerate my MIL for him. But he walks on eggshells & tiptoes around issues. I’m having surgery this week & they will be staying at our home for a night with them. I’m praying nothing goes awry. I just wish he would take up for us. He’s so afraid of hurting her feelings but doesn’t see how mad she’s made me concerning the above-mentioned issues.

      Reply
    17. Karen

      This topic is hard for me. There are specific people in my family who have long standing relationship problems, and they expect people to take sides or “stand up” for them. (These are blood relatives, so no in law issues.) Anyone who has tried to mediate, intervene or show support ends up having their own relationships with others severely damaged. There are three bad relationships that caused it and many times that in collaterally damaged relationships caused by the taking sides stuff and worsened over the years by time. I have come to realize over the years that the fact that my family members refuse to deal with their issues in a healthy way is not my fault or my problem. It should not impact how I treat others, who I choose to still have a relationship with, and I should not have to be forced to take sides. Doing so only hinders them finding real, actual solutions specifically counseling. Generic family members are not equipped to handle the sort of complicated and volatile relationship many families produce, and it’s not “ignoring abuse” to refuse to engage those damaging relationships and to stay out of it. Each party plays the victim and cries abuse, but in this case they are all guilty of being hurtful and not going to counseling to become better people. It has been 15 years, and I have tried to intervene before. Now I just resent how they ruined the whole family over themselves.

      Reply
      • Sheila Wray Gregoire

        Oh, that’s really rough. It’s so true, though. A lot of people choose dysfunction over health, because they don’t want to do the hard work to grow. And that just ruins everything for the rest of us. What a waste! I’m so sorry.

        Reply
        • Karen

          Thanks. It is of course coming to a head now—again. Unfortunately in this case it’s my own mother who has a bad relationship with her mother and sister. Everyone else has been hit in the fallout. I used to side with my mother and argue/confront people over it. Unfortunately my mother has done things herself enough times that I now know she is a) part of the issue, b) way too emotionally lead/easy to offend and c) she honestly believes God is on her side, therefore she can do no wrong/all her misdeeds are justified. It is sooooooo incredibly irritating. The spiritualizatiin of it has made me strongly question how much Christian interaction I want at points in life. I don’t want to listen to it. Of course she has her team of enablers (friends, newly entered family) to support these behaviors.

          Reply
    18. unmowngrass

      I am confused why there is no suggestion of just speaking to the in law yourself? Aren’t we supposed to start off just keeping it between us if we have a problem with someone else, and maybe we can fix it before it affects anyone else? If and only if it then can’t be fixed, we get a couple of pertinent others involved, and if it still can’t we tell everybody, and if it still can’t, then we put them out of our lives?
      Or are you starting with the assumption that the individual has already spoken to the in law, and this is after? 🙂

      Reply
      • Sheila Wray Gregoire

        Oh, you can certainly do that, which is certainly what I gave some examples of. But ultimately, when it comes to immediate family, it’s really the one who is blood related who can make the most difference. If your husband doesn’t think there’s anything wrong, and you really do, then speaking to the in-law may not have the desired effect. But, yes, I should have mentioned that myself.

        Reply
    19. nylse

      Sometimes I think we take this whole boundary-setting thing too far when often times if we would step back, and see what the real issue is, we’d know how to proceed. We use boundaries as a cop-out when it would be better to have a conversation first to know what we’re dealing with. Relationships should be handled with care, and I don’t think there are hard and fast rules considering the variation in who we are as humans. I think the caveat is when you realize that you are dealing with toxicity. Sometimes this takes a lot of time and in the process, the offended and the offender may mature.
      In marriage, while it may be ideal for your husband to always protect you from your inlaws it won’t always happen unless it’s egregious. Maybe he’s lived with it all of his life; maybe he knows how to let things roll off his back; maybe it depends on the circumstance. So I think it best to start the conversation with you and your spouse and go from there. Seek wisdom; carry your hurt feelings to God; then be willing to hear and listen to the direction God provides.

      Reply
      • Sheila Wray Gregoire

        Great thoughts, Nylse! Although I will say that boundaries are just natural things that we should all be using in our everyday lives. Boundaries doesn’t mean cutting off contact; it just means acting appropriately, and not allowing others to manipulate or control you (and not feeling responsible for others’ feelings either). And boundaries also show us what IS in our realm of responsibility, and I do think that treating your family members well is certainly within our realm of responsibility.

        I do think that often we’re too quick to assign bad motives to people, and we can be too quick to become offended. Allowing things to roll off of us, when appropriate and not toxic, really is usually the best route. But standing firm and not getting drawn into drama is also wise!

        Reply
    20. Lost and Lonely

      My husband is an only child and his mother ruled the roost in his home. He and his dad did nothing without mother’s direction. I didn’t realize how bad it was until we got married. My husband’s unwillingness to leave and cleave has destroyed our marriage. His mother was so nasty and spiteful. He never once stood up for me but had no problem telling me when he thought I wasn’t being respectful. When they were unable to take care of themselves I stepped in and helped out with all their needs until they moved to a nursing home.
      His parents are both gone now, our children are grown and we are two strangers living under the same roof. I wish I had the guts to leave but religion is a cruel master.

      Reply
      • Sheila Wray Gregoire

        I’m sorry, Lost. I am. Much of that behaviour on the part of your husband, though, may have been more unresolved issues than him actually deliberately choosing her over you. Fear, emotional insecurity, the need for his mother’s approval. These can keep us stuck. But you now have the opportunity to grow your marriage closer with them out of the picture, and I’d advise that you not give up hope. Just try to build a friendship, slowly. Just be his friend. You don’t want to spend your older years with someone you hate. Start small and build those bridges, and it could be that you could discover each other again.

        Reply
        • Lost and Lonely

          Unfortunately my husband doesn’t want to be friends. He wants a mother. I’m not willing to be that for him and he doesn’t know how to relate to me in any other way.
          While he may say he wants a relationship with me, he really has no idea how to go about it and continually has more and more rules he wants me to follow so he can feel safe. It’s to the point where I don’t know who I am anymore. I feel guilty for everything I think and do because I know he doesn’t approve.
          I’m starting to stand up for myself and find my own path in life but I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to truly be who God called me to be as long as I stay in the relationship. I’ve allowed my husband to beat me down and now I don’t feel strong enough to stand up to him without feeling like I’m doing something wrong.

          Reply
          • Sheila Wray Gregoire

            I’m so sorry. I really am. I do encourage you to find a licensed counselor to talk to, and especially for him to go with you, if he will. But even if he won’t, go yourself. It sounds as if you have a lot of hurt to process, and sometimes we really need someone else to help us with that.

            Reply
    21. Nathan

      Lost, I’m so sorry that you went through that (and on some level continue to do so). I started down that path a bit early in my marriage, but had the courage to rise above it.

      The best thing we can do is teach our own children not to cause this, or fall into it. Maybe you can see a professional and try to begin a healing process. I’ll pray for your heart.

      While all genders and relations seem to be prone to this, it seems that most often the husband’s mother is the primary antagonist.

      Reply
    22. Priscilla

      For years both my MIL & SIL have talked about my husbands previous girlfriend. Even went so far as to show me pictures every time we would visit. We’ve been married 27 years and she still gets mentioned every visit but my husband does NOTHING! In fact when his sister gossips about his mother in HER own home HE PARTICIPATES even though his sister GOSSIPS about my husband too!

      Reply
    23. Anon in Jax, FL, USA

      Then there are the passive [passive-aggressive] husband’s. They wait for the wifee to take the brunt of the meanness from his mommy. Leaving his wifee to do his dirty work. Its a win-win for him. He doesn’t have the ‘masculine abilities’ to do it for himself. Shame on them.

      Reply
    24. Katallna

      When my husband and I started, my in laws doesnt like me at all. They always wanted him ended up with his ex.

      We got married, had a child, but issues came up since my pregnancy. We’ve been staying with them for almost 5 years. Almost every month I cry. They notice a lot from me. Moatly miaunderatanding.

      They would say its like i make my child a prison staying inaide our room all the time. That was no true. Most of the time my son would love to stay inside because of his toys. Or i was doing something taking a bath or cleaning or we stay too long in the toilet coz ge is constipated etc.

      I think thw problem is, my husband is always neutral. And they get jealous of me and they would post in social media quotes about me and they would talk about me in comments (with my SIL’s friedns too)

      Today i decided to end it. We are packing our things now and i will take my kid with me. My younger will be staying with his dad for the mean time coz i have to fix our place yet. Eventually i will get him too.

      Also, our helpers would not include me in bfast.. would leave my clothes outside after wash (while all other clothes were kept)

      And a lot more.

      It was so hard. I tried to leave several timea but my husband would not let me to. Today is different. Ive had enough 😔

      Reply
    25. Kristen

      I myself have spent 27 years In a very similar life! I’ve done everything in my imagination to try and make peace, distance and while heart broken every second I refused to allow it to make me bitter. I would insist he go even if I don’t want to because I was blamed if he didn’t show. I have recently decided I’m not going nor will I remind him much less insist he does. I get the social media insults
      myself disrespectful comments. When I got pregnant 18 years ago she told the entire family that it wasn’t his… In front of me. And it was a absolute lie. She now makes statements when he doesn’t show up that we must be on drugs or something because she can’t imagine what else it could be. 27 years 27 years of intentions to break me to break us and I’m done. My heart is with you and I believe God will forgive you if you choose to live a happy life and find yourself again I don’t think he was ok with someone altering his creation! Good Bless!

      Reply
      • Kristen

        God Bless! lol

        Reply
    26. Demi

      I’m in a very tricky spot right now with my husband and my mother in law. It has always been easier for me to take the back seat on tricky situations to avoid confrontation and having anybody mad at me. However, then I just end up harboring so much animosity and I always end up looking like the bad guy.

      Here’s the gist….. since august of 2022 my husband has been diagnosed with kidney cancer, bone cancer and we are currently waiting to find out if he has colon cancer as well. He’s only 33 years old, but was exposed to burn pits during his time in Iraq. We have been together for 5.5 years and we have a 3 year old son. We just recently got married officially on new years. His mother has always always been encouraging of us getting married. She hasn’t always been the easiest person to tolerate, but as far as our union ship, she has always said she can’t wait for us to get married. We decided very last minute to get married due to all his health issues and the road blocks we kept running into when trying to get his care transferred from Dallas VA to MD Anderson. His mother was not the most supportive when we first started finding all the tumors and actually blamed his poor life choices in the past for his current health issues. It wasn’t until pathology reports started coming back with bad news that she actually started involving herself. 5 days before we were getting married my husband randomly decided to tell me that has mother was less than thrilled about us getting married because she thinks I’m going to try and cut her out, and since she’s already lost one child, and if it comes to the point where he can’t make medical decisions for himself then she should be the one who makes them because she brought him into this world and she should decide if and when he leaves it if the time comes. (Side note….. before we were married and before he had cancer she always threw the Bible in my face about how I should be as a wife and I should always put him first. Now that we are married she’s stepping on my toes and making it impossible to fulfill those duty’s that I am entitled to.) my husband and I had been on the same page about me going down to Houston with him for all of his informative appointments and when he does have treatment his mom would be there since I can’t be away from our son or work for that long. Since we have gotten married he’s telling me his mom is going to go because she wants to be there for all of it and it’s best I just stay here and work. However, back in October when he had his first surgery here in Dallas his mom came into town to be with him during surgery so that I could avoid missing too much work and then I got bitched at later for not being there all the time. We now have a go fund me account set up so that we don’t have to worry too much about finances so that I could be there with him, but because his mother wants to be there the whole time and only one caregiver is allowed I have to stay behind because regardless of the go fund me he doesn’t trust that I can cover the bills and he doesn’t want to stress about it. When I suggest ways of compromising I get told I’m making everything about myself and that non of this is about me.

      Meanwhile, since getting married his mother texted everybody happy new year to include his business partner nobody likes and my mother. I never got anything from her. Not only did she text my mom but she then went on a rant about how upset she was that we posted a go fund me without asking her and that it stressed her out so much she had to deactivate her Facebook account. Then when my mom asked if she saw our wedding photos she completely dodged the question and changed the subject. I decided to reach out to her personally through a very kind text about how her feelings are valid, and how I wanted to work together as team to best be there for my husband and to ensure her that I would never dream of cutting her out. I even told her I needed her but in the same token I do stand firmly in my belief that I should be there for the informative decision making appointments with him since it does directly affect my life and life of our child. She never responded to me. Not one word! Instead my husband called me a coward for texting and not calling. I chose not to call because she is a bully and when I do speak with her and she doesn’t like what I have to say she talks over me making it impossible for me to communicate. My natural response when that happens is to get louder and try and stand my ground and then I end up being viewed as the disrespectful one and everybody is mad at me. At least by texting I can ensure that I am communicating the best way I know how without any nerves or curve balls being thrown my way. Cut to 4 days ago my husband and I got into another argument about who should be going to his appointments and he called his mom and handed me the phone. I was so nervous I started turning splotchy. I started to share how I was feeling with her (which by the way this is the first time we have spoken since before getting married) and she started talking over me. When I started to mention the conversation she had with my mom she started yelling at me to stop talking to her and to shut my mouth. She said she wasn’t going to allow me to talk to her that way and she does not want to talk to me on the phone.

      So basically my husband took her side and I’m a piece of shit drama starter and it’s been made very clear to me that I am in fact going to be the one that gets cut out. I have found it best so far to just be whoever they want me to be, however, I am very pissed off not just at her but at him and I am not ok with his mothers passive aggressive influence on our life and the choices we make as a couple. I’ve got to hand it her thought, she’s mastered the ability to let me know she has a problem with me without actually saying a word to me. She knows what she’s doing and I’ve called her on it and she has the luxury of sitting there saying “I haven’t said anything to you, I have not done anything to you. You’re making this up in your head and created unnecessary drama”

      They leave next week to discuss treatment plans and they will inform me on what is decided. I’m tired of being taken advantage of and manipulated because they know I avoid confrontation like the plague and it’s easy to do. I’m tired of being pushed to the point where I have to explode because trying to communicate effectively means they may have to compromise and they don’t want to compromise. Then when I explode it gets thrown in my face and I’m told I’m the one who gets mad when things aren’t going “my” way. I have to accept what they say and if i buck or feel differently, I’m being difficult. I don’t know how to properly stick up for myself without being bullied into being the one who is acting crazy. Maybe there isn’t anything I can do and maybe I just have to evaluate if this is what I want in life, but how I can I be sitting here deciding if I want to stay married to this man when he’s got 3 different cancers he’s currently fighting? Then if he beats this phase in his life we still have to have this discussion but at this point the damage has already been done. How can I feel like the strong wife who literally was there through sickness when I’m being robbed of it? I’m sure the other way of looking at is by being by his side without rocking the boat even though I thinks it’s add backwards. My feeling about this are too strong that I don’t know if I can.

      Reply

    Submit a Comment

    Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *