Tragically, too often in “Christian” teaching women’s views are ignored, or “gaslighted”.
It’s time for a new To Love, Honor and Vacuum podcast, and this one’s a doozy, and a bit of a departure from my normal podcasts.
Recently, readers sent to me an email and a blog post that Emerson Eggerichs, the author of Love & Respect, had written, and they wanted to get my take on it.
I didn’t want to write about it in a blog post, because I’ve already written four posts explaining the faulty and dangerous teaching in the book.
See what else we’ve written on Love and Respect:
Please listen in. It’s a longer one, but it’s important.
If this isn’t your cup of tea, that’s okay. Regular programming will resume next week! But we felt this simply had to be addressed (and thank you for those of you who sent it in! I wouldn’t have seen it otherwise).
Here’s Keith and me:
A woman is writing in saying that Love & Respect caused the men in her group to become condescending and dismissive of their wives.
In the blog post, Emerson Eggerichs explains why the women are wrong.
Here’s the question that he was asked:
Many of you have asked for transcripts of the podcast, and I haven’t done any so far. But for this podcast, we did have notes. We copied his entire blog post, and then paragraph by paragraph inserted what we wanted to say. So if you would like to read our notes, you are more than welcome. These are not a transcript of the podcast; we didn’t say everything that was here, and we said lots that isn’t here. But the main stuff is all here.
His blog post is in black; all the other colours are from different members of my team, who all collaborated on this document. Feel free to download these notes and follow along, or read them on their own!
- 10 Signs You’re in a Legalistic Church
- Our Original Report of the Harm Done by Love & Respect
- John Gottman’s book that we reference: 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work
- Our podcast from 2 weeks ago on What Headship Really Means
And if you’re in a marriage where your spouse is treating you in a condescending way, or emotionally abusing you (or abusing you in other ways), see these resources:
But I will say this:
- If a pastor/writer/teacher tells you that disagreeing with them means that you’re disobeying Scripture or rejecting God, that’s wrong. It’s okay to examine things for yourself.
- If a pastor tells you that you shouldn’t listen to your instincts (really the Holy Spirit’s voice inside of you), because you’re more easily deceived, that’s wrong.
- If you go to a pastor/leader with a problem because you’re feeling dismissed and vulnerable, and you’re told that you have no reason to feel that way because no one is doing anything wrong to you, and the problem is you, that’s wrong. You matter, and what you feel matters.
- If a pastor/leader tells you that it’s understandable if someone treats you badly simply because you didn’t ask in the right way, that’s wrong.
- If a pastor/leader puts more onus on one person to act like Jesus than another, that’s wrong.
- If a pastor/leader gives one person in the relationship the power to determine if the other person is acting according to Christ, that’s wrong. Whether or not you’re doing right is about whether you’re acting like Christ, not whether or not someone approves of you.
- If a pastor/leader tells you that the way you follow Jesus is by following another person, that’s wrong.
Please, church. We can do better than this. We must do better than this.
I made an effort in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage to give a balanced view of marriage, to show what marriage would look like when you’re dedicated to serving and loving the other person, but you’re also dedicated to intimacy and truth, which involves sharing your feelings, growing together, and not enabling sin. This is what marriage should look like.
Are you GOOD or are you NICE?
Did you listen to the podcast? Tell me what you think. And Keith really wants to know, too. I’m so glad he wanted to do this one with me! Let’s talk in the comments.
Other Posts in our Love and Respect Series:
- THE MUST READ: An Open Letter to Focus on the Family about Love & Respect and Emerson Eggerichs
- A Review of Love and Respect: How the Book Gets Sex Horribly Wrong
- Love and Respect: Why Unconditional Respect Can’t Work
- The Ultimate Flaw in the Book Love and Respect: Jesus Isn’t at the Center
- Is It Okay if Christian Marriage Books are Just a Little Bit Harmful?
- PODCAST: Why Unconditional Respect Isn't a Thing (and how the verse the book is based on, and the survey data the book is based on, don't hold water).
- PODCAST: An Example from Eggerichs' blog of Eggerichs Gaslighting Women (we work through line by line)
- PODCAST: Our Love & Respect Wrap Up
- I’m Passing the Torch on Love & Respect. 10 Ways You Can Pick it Up
Plus our Resource Pages:
Sheila Wray Gregoire
Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
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