What do you do if your husband wants sex everyday, but isn’t interested at all in how you feel about it or how you feel during it?
On Mondays I like to take a reader question and take a stab at answering it, and I thought that, since I hadn’t done an Ask Sheila video in a while, I’d try to answer it in video format!
Here’s what she asked:
My husband wants it every day. Really. Like 350 days a year is what I can honestly say. I am just a vessel… like a cigarette butt container outside a door. I know he needs it. I know that he’s wired differently than I. I don’t say no unless I get a chance to fall asleep when I’m sick or something. I’m so tired. I want to feel loved, but I’m so busy making sure everyone else’s needs are met. I’m not even good at having sex any more. I just make sure there is lube when I’m ready for bed because that’s when I know he will want it. It isn’t fulfilling. I have been to counseling. I asked him to go to counseling with me, but he would not go back because he said the woman didn’t even know him and implied that he had a sex addiction. Maybe he does. He loves the verse about my body isn’t mine, but he never gets to the end of that verse. I am trying. I am praying. How do I become a better wife? How do I enjoy sex? What do I do when he gets so mad if he doesn’t get sex very day?
Here’s my answer (below the “My Latest Videos” module):
The problem here is not really that the husband wants sex everyday.
The problem this reader was having is more that her husband was seeing sex as entirely one-sided. It’s like I talked about in the post on how we need a new definition of sex–we think that sex i “man puts penis into woman’s vagina and moves around until he climaxes.” That definition, however, means that she’s quite irrelevant to the whole process. She can lie there, and experience nothing, and it’s still sex.
Why would some men start to think this way about sex?
All kinds of things contribute to it. Some men honestly don’t understand that sex feels differently for women–that women need foreplay; that sex is about more than the physical. Some men have been watching porn so long that they see women as sexually just being there for them to use. One of the effects of porn is to make sex not intimate at all, but more about taking. And sometimes we just grow up in this culture seeing sexual fulfillment in an entirely selfish way–what I want, I deserve to get.
But sex is supposed to be so much more than just a physical thing. It’s supposed to be a mutual joining, where it’s about “knowing” each other, as the Bible talks about it. Treating her like an object wrecks everything.
But as I also said in the video, sometimes women are the ones who make sex one-sided.
Recently a woman left this comment on the blog:
I think it’s simple. God made orgasms for men and a wives duty is to make your spouse orgasm with your full participation. Women don’t even need orgasms to conceive so they arent relevant for us. I focus solely on my husbands fulfillment and God has blessed us profoundly.
So many men are here, on this blog, because in their marriages, it’s the wife who just can’t get excited about sex or understand that pleasure was meant for her, too. Good guys actually want to bring their wives pleasure, and when the wives consistently say, “it’s okay, I just want you to feel good,” these men feel empty.
When we grow up with the messages from the church that sex is about giving him what he needs, it’s easy to feel like sex isn’t for us. But that’s not healthy. So check out these posts, and then invest in something like 31 Days to Great Sex so that you can start a great challenge with your spouse on figuring out how to make sex for both of you!
Read the Do Not Deprive Series:
Feeling sexually disconnected?
Why do you think people get this idea that sex is one-sided–and that’s how it’s supposed to be? How can we fight it? Let’s talk in the comments!