How do you get ready for sex in marriage?

Instead of doing a typical post today, I have a few quick things that I want to share. First, do we set too high expectations for the wedding night? Why is sex often so difficult early on for so many couples?

I sat down with Travis from Practical Christian Podcast for a podcast that was super fun. I thought you all may want to listen!

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And I’m having a lot of fun putting the finishing touches on our Honeymoon Course that I’m launching next week. The videos are much more in-depth than I originally planned, but once I started talking there was so much to say! So it’s a great course, and I look forward to showing it to you.

Are you offensively attractive?

Next, we had way too much fun recording our own podcast last week, where Connor (my son-in-law), Rebecca (my daughter) and I all jumped on at the same time to talk about that notorious list of 98 ways women may be sinning against their husbands, along with that scorecard for wives. So far the feedback from the podcast has been great, and if you haven’t listened in yet, this would be a great one to start with.

Anyway, I shared the podcast on Facebook and it got quite a lot of interest. But one of the themes that kept coming up in the comments was that question: “What exactly does being offensively attractive mean?” Because in the scorecard for wives, we were supposed to be attractive, but not offensively so. It got picked up on a lot on Facebook!

Natalie on Facebook got so carried away she actually created T-shirts of it.

You can see all the permutations here! But I just thought that was too funny and I had to share. Sometimes my readers really make me laugh. And you have to laugh at this stuff or you really would cry.

Again, if you haven’t listened to the podcast, this is a great one to start with!

Would you like to hear more from Connor (or from Keith?)

One of my favourite bits of the podcast last week was just hearing Rebecca and Connor interacting. It honestly was a picture of what marriage should look like. I’m thinking of trying to include my husband on some podcasts, just so you all can get to know him. He gets so riled up when I tell him about the stuff that’s being debated on the blog, and I thought sometimes you may all like to hear from him. Any thoughts on that one?

Super Quick Reader Question: Is it reasonable for my husband to want to have sex 2-3 times a day?

Okay, I usually answer a reader question on Mondays, and here’s a quick one I can do. I had a woman write in saying this:


Reader Question

During dating we discussed frequency expectations. We both agreed that 3-4 times a week would be a reasonable expectation with it understood that right around childbirth would change that temporarily.

Very, very quickly into marriage I realized a couple things. First, I love sex with him. It’s amazing, and when it’s 3-4 times a week, I nearly always get amazing orgasms. But, he desires sex waaaaay more! Like, 2-3 times a day. He never, ever would force himself on me, but he gets very downhearted at my ‘lack of desire’. It was manageable up until the baby. I would spend a lot of my day thinking about sex, and working hard to get myself into the mood, and we did it on a daily basis for many stretches of months.

However, with a baby I just don’t have the time to think about sex that much.It’s a huge struggle for me to be interested in sex more than every other day. But, my hubby’s desire seems to be even more intense post-baby than it was pre-baby.

He still agrees that he doesn’t want sex to become all about him. He wants me to want it, and to orgasm regularly from it. But, he also wants it, like ALL the time. It’s becoming such an issue for me. I really would like to be able to just get affection from him, especially after a hard day with the baby, but any cuddling always leads to him asking for sex and being visibly disappointed if I say “Please not just now.” It doesn’t seem to help if I say “I’m really tired tonight, can we plan for tomorrow morning?” If I suggest another time, 99% of the time, we go through with it. But he’s still really disappointed and upset. How should I handle this?

Now, obviously there isn’t a magic number for how often a couple SHOULD be having sex. I will say that more frequently is generally better, but it depends on stage of life, shift work, libidos, etc.

In this case, though, when they’re making love 3-4 times a week still, but he’s very disappointed when she doesn’t want to, even if she gives a rain check (and follows through), then he is not being giving to her. I conversed more with her back and forth, and feeling antsy if you don’t get sex 2-3 times a day is not normal. Let’s remember that self-control is a fruit of the Spirit! And giving your wife some affection and love after a baby comes, and looking out for her welfare (including her need to sleep and recover) is part of being married.

This is not a woman who is denying sex; this is a man with both an abnormally high sex drive and a seeming inability to put his own needs aside for the sake of his wife and baby. And in that case, I’d say that counseling is important to get to the root issue, because this may be a sex addiction situation.

Sometimes women write in and I think, “does she realize that that’s not normal?” Because we don’t talk about these things in detail with friends, do we? But a husband not being able to control his disappointment and getting testy even when he’s getting sex frequently by a woman who really wants it and is sexually responsive–well, that is a red flag to me. So I hope that we can talk about these things more openly so that we can see red flags when they pop up! Otherwise we don’t always have a good idea what normal is. Here’s a post that goes over some frequent red flags for sex and marriage.

Okay, that’s it for today! I’ve got to write two posts for tomorrow–a big one for this blog on that list of sins for wives, and a shorter one for Julie Roys’ blog on the origin of that document. And I’ve got to finish the course! But in the meantime, let me know what you think about Connor and Keith being on the podcast! Or if you have any other thoughts, let me know them, too.

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