It’s time for all of our extras from the To Love, Honor and Vacuum podcast!

I hope you all will listen, but if you don’t have time, I’ll have some links and rabbit trails below so you can read all you want as well!

And consider this podcast “extras”. If you want to go deeper into what I talked about in the podcast, here are some more things to help you.

But first, here’s the podcast:

Main Segment: The 2 Keys to a Successful Marriage

We’ve been talking on the blog this month and on the podcasts recently about how sex is meant to be mutual, and we’ll be finishing that series up next week on both the blog and the podcast. But I didn’t want the podcast to get too repetitive, and I felt called to say something that I think is a hopeful message.

We’ve been dealing with some heavy topics on the blog lately, and I’ve been receiving a ton of emails from people in lousy marriage situations. Last week, I asked on Facebook for people to give me some happy marriage stories–and hundreds of you did (Thank you!) I turned those into a “happy” post for Tuesday on the things that my readers appreciate about marriage. And I thought I’d keep that going with 2 pieces of advice that really can be marriage changing: 2 small things that are the biggest predictors of a happy marriage. They’re just small little things that you do everyday. I mentioned them in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, and I invite you to listen in to what they are today, too!

I also promised in that segment that I’d point you to the MBTI and marriage posts I did earlier in August about personality differences. Here are just two, but if you click through you’ll find the links to lots more!

Honestly, these two things are really what I was getting at in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage. When you change the way you think by changing what you’re looking for, it really can change your marriage!

Do you have a hard time asking for what you want?

51ARlATfBaL - PODCAST EXTRAS: 2 Keys to a Successful Marriage, Why Did I Lose My Libido, and More!

You can change the dynamic in your marriage and make talking about your own needs easier!

If your marriage is in a communication rut, it’s time for some change.

Millennial Marriage: Choose to Not Take Each Other for Granted

With thanks to Revell for sponsoring this segment on behalf of Dr. Ron Welch’s book 10 Choices Successful Couples Make! It’s a great book for both husbands and wives about how to build intimacy in very practical ways. I already wrote about his choice to face unspoken truths, which I found really insightful. What he says about understanding the process of conflict rather than the subject of conflict is so important as well.

Today Becca and I discussed how to make sure you don’t take each other for granted, and we were talking about having that marriage check-in, but also just making sure you don’t get too busy, but that you honestly enjoy just doing life together. Some posts that I referenced:

Reader Question: I Lost My Libido Right Before the Wedding

A reader writes in with a question I can totally relate to!

I have struggled with my libido ever since I got married. I can remember in the week leading up to my wedding my body just like switched off and didn’t respond to any touch or anything, and I feel like I haven’t been able to find my libido ever since. Even when I have my period my body is not the same as what it used to be.  I just feel like I don’t even have a libido at all. Do you have any suggestions on why this might be?

I experienced something very similar. I remember the moment when panic started and my body froze. And it was largely because I felt like I no longer had control over my body.

Now, yes, that’s what 1 Corinthians 7 says–our bodies belong to our husbands, and vice versa. And that’s true. But that also is a very harmful message if you don’t also understand the rest of what the Bible says about sex. If you don’t understand that sex was created for you, too; that it was meant to be mutual; that your needs matter–well, it’s very easy to feel panicky.

I told her about my own experience, and encouraged her to do some reading and talk to her husband and start to see sex in a different way. And, honestly, my Boost Your Libido course can help, too!

Are you TIRED of always being too tired?

Boost Your Libido Tall 1 - PODCAST EXTRAS: 2 Keys to a Successful Marriage, Why Did I Lose My Libido, and More!

Do you yearn to actually WANT to make love–and figure out what all the fuss is about?

There is a way! And in this 10-module course I take you through what libido is (it may surprise you!), what affects libido, and how we can reclaim the excitement that God made us for.

Comment: Let’s Speak up about Bad Teaching around Sex!

If we all spoke up more and corrected some misinformation about the teaching around sex, then we’d have fewer women panicky the way that I was–and the way our reader was. And we’d have fewer women with no libidos, and fewer women receiving nothing out of sex.

So when you hear something bad, speak up! That was the theme of several comments and emails that came in this week. After last week’s post on how women are more likely to be deprived, one woman wrote:

I have long wondered who came up with the idea that the half the population that is in possession of a clitoris and capable of successive orgasms is the LESS sexual half. If I may say it in a way that you are way too nice to men: if you think your wife is less sexual, you might just be bad in bed.
I would argue, however, with your point that “It’s not always (or even mostly) men who are doing this to women. It’s women ourselves…” I agree that it is women themselves in as far as they’ve internalized the purity message. But that message was preached largely by men (think about who heads most churches, authors most books, etc.), so in that sense it is men who have done this to women. They need to apologize (like Josh Harris) and, as you suggested, “start a different conversation.”
Thank you so much; I hope men hear you and really change the conversation. Men are, unfortunately, still more likely to listen to other men than to women, so if we could get a few to get our message out, that would really help.

I also received this email:

After reading your posts online about the Love and Respect book, I was quite upset to see that it is currently offered in our church library.  I brought up the topic with my husband and sister who both (rightly) advised that I read the book before officially requesting that it be removed from the church library.  I’ve read half the book and don’t have the will to read it fully.  It is so discouraging.  I found that for a book about love and respect, it sure wasn’t written in a loving and respectful manner.

(I don’t think you all have to read the book to discard it–I tried to write a detailed synopsis as I could, and I wrote over 10,000 words that week about it, so don’t spend the time! Honestly, there are great books to read. Better to spend the little time you do have to read books reading one of those great books!)

But I like her temerity here. She saw that the church library had something that was harmful in it, and she spoke up. It’s okay to speak up. It’s by speaking up that more people will understand what healthy sex is.

It’s honestly my belief, too, that most people are well-meaning. They don’t realize how toxic teaching like this is. When we point it out, it’s likely that they will listen (not always, but it is likely). Because what I’m saying is that sex should be mutual and that women matter. That’s the biblical view of sex. That’s God’s message about sex. There’s no reason for a true Bible-believing Christian to reject it. So let’s speak up and change this conversation!

That’s it for this week. I hope you’ll take my challenge from the beginning of the podcast and try those two simple things this week (listen in for more). They’re nothing to do with sex, but if you do them, you’ll feel closer to your husband (and that will help your sex life anyway!).

Next week we’ll be finishing off our talk about how sex should be mutual, and I have some great things to share. But in the meantime, let me know in the comments: Did anything really resonate with you this week? Let’s talk!

SheilaSidebarAboutMe - PODCAST EXTRAS: 2 Keys to a Successful Marriage, Why Did I Lose My Libido, and More! Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
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