Are you shy?
I don’t mean scared at parties. I mean, do you have difficulty letting your husband know what feels good in bed?
Even saying that probably made some of you blush! After all, sex isn’t really something we talk about very much. And it’s kind of embarrassing to actually tell someone–even if it’s your husband–what you’re feeling in that department. It feels somehow, well, wrong.
But it’s not!
It’s just part of being intimate.
We talk a lot about the mutuality of sex here on the blog–often we, as women, grow up hearing messages that make us think that sex is all for him, or just about physical release. But what if God meant it to be more than that? What if God’s design for sex has less to do with release, and more to do with deep knowing of each other–what if it’s about intimacy?
Sometimes being intimate is something you have to grow into. It’s not something you all of a sudden learn as soon as you get married. We grow up knowing that sex is not talked about in polite conversation; we grow up assuming that good girls don’t talk about it; and if we don’t talk about it, we don’t FEEL it. We don’t have those feelings at all.
But we do! Even if it’s hard to tell him.
So take a deep breath with me, because I’m going to ask you to do something scary. I’m going to ask you to actually speak up.
That can be hard to do, because you may not actually know what you like. Many women don’t. And here’s part of the problem: when we get married, we don’t actually know how to touch each other well. Men tend to like touch to be rougher; women tend to like it lighter. So when he touches you, chances are he’s too rough. When you touch him, you may be too light.
What that means for you, though, is that he may touch you, and you may think, “Oh, that doesn’t feel good. I guess I don’t like that.” But maybe you do. He may just not know how to touch you, and you may not know how to show him.
Then you get in this habit where he’s impatient to “get on with it”, and you figure you may as well, because other things aren’t feeling good anyway. And so sex becomes blah.
Don’t settle for that! You were made to feel pleasure. Sex is supposed to feel good for you, not just for him. And when you feel good, it’s more of a mutual experience. It feels more intimate. And he will enjoy it more, too.
Need an easier way to have these conversations?
During my 29 Days to Great Sex, if you worked through it from beginning to end, you did some exercises to discover what you actually like, and to show your husband the benefits of taking some time to touch you. But if you haven’t done that, here’s how to start:
Take a timer, and set it for 10 minutes (or 15, if you’re up for it). And ask him to touch you for that whole time. You can’t get “to the main event” yet. You have to just touch, because many women take a while to be able to relax enough to actually feel good.
Then, just concentrate on how it’s feeling. If he’s doing something too roughly, you have two choices: guide his hand and show him how it feels better, or tell him. Saying nothing is not an option, okay?
And then just FEEL.
Once you know what you like, then from now on, when you make love, take his hand and show him. That’s not being mean. It’s not being selfish. It’s not being demanding. It’s simply trying to make the experience mutual. And he’ll likely interpret that as you being excited about the whole thing, which can, in turn, be exciting for him.
Don’t be embarrassed. You’re supposed to have feelings. It’s supposed to feel good. And if you’re still scared to talk to him, here are some ways to make it a little easier (and giggle along the way):
1. Ask him to read this post
2. Throw a towel over your head and then tell him (if you just can’t look him in the eye)
3. Lie in the bathtub together, spooning, so that you can talk without having to look at his face.
4. Climb under the covers, giggling, and then tell him.
5. Leave him a note.
It doesn’t matter how you communicate; just do something!
I even wrote a post called 10 Ways to Tell Your Husband What You Want in Bed to help you get more ideas. Here’s a taste:
But more importantly, when you start sharing what you want, you open up to your husband. You become more sexual. And that’s sexy, in and of itself! When we’re honest, especially about something so personal, we will feel closer, and that makes sex hotter, too!
Have you overcome shyness in your marriage? How did you become more comfortable telling your spouse what you like in bed?