What does it mean if your wife says you never make love?
Every Monday I like to film an “Ask Sheila” video, and today’s is a sad one from a husband whose wife doesn’t want sex–and who feels that they are drifting apart. He writes:
My wife and I married 18 years ago. She will not initiate sex except maybe once every few months. I’m tired of the negative cloud over our home and I work as much as I can just to stay busy and stay out of her way.
I have stopped asking for sex and after a few weeks of no sex I get to my limit and I’ll casually ask her but she’s usually too tired or too sick or whatever and I drop it. She and I talked the other day and she told me that we have only made love 2 or 3 times ever. I asked her what she means by making love and she said, “Just figure it out.” I asked, “Come on, tell me what you mean,” and she said, “See you just wouldn’t understand.” I looked all over the web and I can’t find the answer. Can you tell me what she’s referring to?
Well, it’s hard to know without the exact context, but in my video today I give three possible interpretations. And I know these are hard to hear, but it’s important we talk about what real intimacy is.
I hope that helps! It honestly could be a whole variety of things. She could feel distant from you. She could feel as if sex is mostly for you, and never for her. She could have issues with sex in general. In all of these cases, what you really need to do is learn how to talk about this stuff and communicate about this stuff, and I know that’s hard. I hope that the video gave you some ideas to start.
Okay, now for some action steps.
If you’re a guy, and your wife says you never make love:
- Read: Experiencing Spiritual Intimacy when you make love
- Pick up: The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex
- Work through: 31 Days to Great Sex.
Seriously, it will help! I just received a note from a woman who just read The Good Girl’s Guide who said:
So I read The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex approximately a year or so ago. At the time I was SEARCHING for answers to what was wrong with me. About why I thought the way I did, why I felt like I did, HOW my body works, addressing the wrong thinking I had about intimacy and sex, and quite honestly the effect on my husband. I was tired of the blah feeling I had about our sex life and intimate connection, or lack there of. To make a LONG story short through hard work on both our parts we are in a completely new, Better, and exciting place! We have been married 15 years (7 kids) and for the first time we KNOW each other on a level we feel like God intended for a husband and wife. Praise to the Lord Almighty we have been set free from the lies and know more truth than when we began this journey……also, wanted you to know a HUGE victory for myself personally is I just recently began to have orgasms for the first time!!!!!!!
If you’re a woman, and you feel like you’ve “never made love”:
- Try reading The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex,
- Read this post about what to do when sex doesn’t feel intimate
- or take my Boost Your Libido course.
- Or, if you struggle with dissociation, as this woman talked about doing, check out this post on how to stop fantasizing when you’re having sex.
God designed us for intimacy, and it makes me so sad to see so many couples missing out on this!
Sex is supposed to be wonderful on three levels: emotional, spiritual, and physical. The problem for men, I think, is that they focus a lot on the physical, and sometimes miss out on the need for the other two. For men, the physical is the gateway towards the other two levels of intimacy in many ways, and so if they’re connecting physically, they’ll feel closer. But for women, emotional intimacy especially is the gateway into the other ones. If she doesn’t feel emotionally close, then physical intimacy will feel like she’s being “used” (even if that’s the furthest thing from the husband’s mind).
When things work well, she’ll feel emotionally close, which will draw her into physical connection. He’ll feel physically close, which will draw him into emotional connection. Both will lead to them each feeling “spiritually” like one (which isn’t only about feeling close to God, but is also about feeling truly intimate). And that true oneness also comes from experiencing passion together, and getting to another “plane” with each other. It’s quite amazing.
But all too many couples are missing out on this. Again, from this man’s question, I can’t know which reason is the root problem. And many of you will feel the same way as this woman, with different reasons, too. I hope some of those resources can help.
What I really want to inspire you with, though, is this thought:
Sex is supposed to feel intimate. If it’s not, then DO something.
That’s the theme of what we’re talking about this month. God designed us for intimacy, with Himself and with others. It’s intimacy that makes our lives feel at peace. Nothing else can do that. So this is important stuff. Don’t settle for blah. Figure it out! And like the woman who wrote in after reading The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex–you just may find there’s a whole new life at the other side.
Now let’s talk in the comments: If a woman says “we’ve never made love”, what do you think she means?
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Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually. If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.