Should married couples share finances?
I asked on Facebook recently whether people kept joint back accounts or separate ones, and quite a few people said that they kept separate accounts.
They either divide expenses down the middle, or they delegate certain expenses to certain people. They may have a joint account for some things, but much of their money is separate.
And I think this is becoming more and more common, especially when both people work. Yesterday I was talking about how dangerous it was for one spouse to have no access to money, which most commonly occurs when one spouse is at home with the kids and one works. The one who works outside the home feels that the money is theirs to decide what to do with, since they earn it.
Wrong. And it’s just as wrong when both people make money outside the home.
I’ve been binge watching Dave Ramsey YouTube videos lately, and he says some great stuff about marriage. And when it came to sharing finances, he’s adamant.
Now, that doesn’t mean that you can’t have separate bank accounts for certain things. But you have to be able to make a financial plan TOGETHER when you each consider all the money to be family money, in my opinion.
So today, for Top 10 Tuesday, let’s look at 10 reasons why it’s important that the couple consider all money “theirs”, not “his” and “hers”–even if they do keep multiple accounts for different reasons.
Why married couples should share finances–the Big Picture reasons
1. You are one when you’re married–so you are one with money, too!
The whole purpose of marriage is that you now are one…. Married couples are found to be more dissatisfied when they don’t pool their finances. And couples who pool at least 80% of their income are happier than couples who pool 70% or less. This stuff matters.
2. Sharing finances means you’ve jumped “all in” to the marriage
When people hold back their money, it’s almost as if they’re holding back part of themselves. It’s like we’re saying, “I need this money in case our marriage doesn’t work,” or “I’m holding on to this because I need to still have independence.”
If you’re worried the marriage won’t work, or if you still need independence, you shouldn’t have gotten married.
And studies have repeatedly shown that couples who fully commit then create love. The simple act of commitment often makes people act more lovingly, because they know they’re in this for life. So don’t hold back!
3. Total transparency comes from shared finances, not split finances
Marriage means total transparency. You shouldn’t be keeping things from each other, because that builds distance. If you don’t know about your spouse’s financial situation, that’s not good for your marriage, besides being dangerous if one of you is ever incapacitated or hurt and the other needs access quickly.
Why married couples should share finances–the practical reasons
4. If you share finances, you don’t have to keep track of “his” and “hers” expenses
I know a couple who keeps completely separate finances. They even have “his” car and “her” car. But this can lead to needless stress over the smallest of things.
For instance, they got in a squabble once when his car was in the garage, but they had to take a four hour drive out of town because his family was having a reunion. So they took her car. But when it came to gas, who should pay? He said it was her car; she said it was his family.
I listened, flabbergasted, because I can’t imagine ever having to negotiate this stuff, since everything Keith and I have ever had is “ours”. And thus we avoid these squabbles entirely.
5. Sharing finances allows you to budget easily
When you share finances, you have something called a “household income”. You can then look at that number and decide together what your spending should be. If, on the other hand, you each keep separate finances and contribute a certain amount into a pool every month, or divide up the bills to be paid, then it’s much harder to keep a lid on spending and make some long term goals.
Incidentally, having a “household income” does not mean that you can’t allocate money for you to spend as you see fit. I’ll let my daughter chime in here on what they do:
We live on next to nothing month-to-month–and a lot of that is because I’m starting an online business while putting Connor through school, and he won’t be certified for his profession for another 2-3 years! So from the beginning of our marriage we got used to sitting down at the beginning of every month, looking through our finances, and deciding how much money we realistically could spend. While we were both in school, we would each get a $50 bill out at the bank at the beginning of the month and use that and that alone for all spending money, eating out, clothes, and the like for the month.
We didn’t have much wiggle room. Having separate bank accounts would have made it that much harder to see what we actually had to spend as well as how much we were spending. Having our money pooled together showed us the big-picture of what we were doing with our money, and alleviated the guilt of spending wisely! Since we had decided together how much we could afford, we were free to spend that money however we saw fit, so I didn’t need to feel terrible about getting a Starbucks once in a while. Connor actually saved up almost all of his spending money for a few months and bought himself a PS4, something we never could have afforded outright! It has really helped us be mindful of what we’re buying and how it’s impacting not only “my” money, but our lives. Because to us that’s what it’s about–money is merely a tool to build up our future together, so why not just do it together in the first place?
6. Sharing finances allows you to make retirement goals
One day neither of you will be working. And retirement savings needs to be coordinated. How much do we need, together? For tax purposes, who should have the most in a 401K?
If you are each contributing for retirement separately, though, it’s much harder to coordinate these goals. And the one who is more of a saver could easily resent the one who is more of a spender and isn’t contributing as much. When you have a household budget that includes a line for “retirement savings”, this is much easier to negotiate. Which is probably why couples who share finances tend to save more!
Are you PeaceKEEPING or PeaceMAKING?
There’s a better way!
7. Sharing finances allows you to save for short-term goals
Let’s not just look at the long-term, though. What if you decide that it would be really nice to take the family on a cruise in two years. How do you budget for that? Do you each have to contribute equally? What if it’s more important to one than the other? Again, when you share finances and have a shared budget, these decisions are easier to make.
8. If you share finances, you get a heads up if someone’s in trouble
What if someone has a gambling problem, or a spending problem? What if someone is doing something they shouldn’t be doing and leading a double life? It’s much harder for these things to become issues if the finances are shared and open. And when being secretive isn’t that easy, it often takes away the temptation for many of these things which could all too easily become addictions. It’s just accountability–and it works!
9. Sharing finances means there’s not an automatic spirit of “doing your share”
When you’re splitting finances, there’s this underlying assumption that you each should “do your share”. That leads to a dynamic where the goal is “fairness”. Any time in a marriage where you’re trying to measure if someone is doing their share, there will be tension, because people tend to value their own efforts more. If she earns more money, does that mean that she only has to contribute the same amount he makes, and she can keep the rest? If he gets a raise, does he have to share it with her? If he’s working overtime, should she have to work overtime, too? If she goes back to work, does childcare have to completely come out of her income?
If you’re always trying to keep things fair, then the focus will always be on what is right for me, rather than what is right for the family. In fact, that’s so important let’s make it into our last point:
10. Sharing marriage finances leads to a family focus, not a self focus
I know a couple who, when they got married, assumed that they would each contribute a certain amount of money to the household each month.
But then she got pregnant. And somehow the expectation that she should keep contributing money didn’t go away. He didn’t suddenly start paying “her” bills (the ones they had allotted to her, like electricity) just because she had just delivered a baby. So when the baby was very young, she had Grandma baby-sit and went back to work. Meanwhile he was spending a lot of money on fishing trips, because he was still contributing “his share”.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
because they have a good return for their labor:
10 If either of them falls down,
one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
and has no one to help them up.
One of the benefits of marriage is that someone has our back! If one person goes through a period of unemployment, the other steps in and helps. If one is sick (or just delivered a baby!), the other one covers. In fact, “specialization” is one of the things that brings the most happiness and satisfaction to married couples vs. other kinds of couples. When you are totally committed and “all-in” to the relationship, then you can each start to do what you do best, rather than having to act the same way you did before you were married. So if one makes more money, they can work more while the other is home with the kids. And it works out better for everyone.
Want to start budgeting together and start sharing the family’s finances? Here are some resources that can help!
Dave Ramsey’s EveryDollar app–helps you build a budget together and stick to it.- Dave Ramsey’s YouTube channel. I often watch these videos when I’m making dinner. Great information there!
- The Money Saving Mom’s Budget: Slash Your Spending, Pay Down Your Debt, Streamline Your Life, and Save Thousands a Year
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Having a joint account means that we each know what the other is spending. We have a shared credit card, too – I can look at the statement and ask “what was that expense?” and so can he. (We try not to look too closely in December!) Since I’ve been full-time at home with kids more or less forever, my earnings have been zero. (Makes my tax return really fast to do.)
At one point I broached the subject of an “allowance” or fun money, since I wasn’t earning. He said no. And then he told me why not. “It’s not my money. It’s OUR money. You have just as much right to spend it as I do, and if there’s something you need let’s go shopping.” Apparently he understood what marriage means way better than I did in those early days.
Love that! We share everything, too. Once Keith was out buying a ton for our tenth anniversary and the credit card company called the house because of unusual activity on the credit card. They started telling me all the stores he’d been to that day–and then I told them that they had better stop or they’d give everything away! 🙂
Ha! We had a similar conversation about fun money. 🙂
As I have read these articles, I am convinced my marriage is not typical, nor do I want it to be. My wife is a SAHM. We have one joint savings and one joint checking account. It was never a question of separate accounts. The necessities are purchased from these accounts. Lower cost items that are nice to have are also purchased without discussion, if the budget allows for them. We discuss more expensive purchases as they may affect long term financial goals. To us, it just makes sense to do it this way. If I wanted separate accounts, I could have simply stayed single.
If your marriage isn’t typical, then mine isn’t either! You just described us to a tee. 🙂
This is how my parents have been; my mom worked the first few years they were married, until they had kids, and there’s never been any need for her to since we (the kids) were adults. There has never been anything like an “allowance” or “fun money” or something between my parents. They’ve always had joint accounts, full access, and no weirdness between them about money, even for all the years my mom was a SAHM. My dad’s favorite phrase when I was a kid was “don’t sweat the small stuff.” Even when money was tight for a few years and we had to do a lot of cutting back, my dad never once tried to limit my mom in what she did; he just trusted her.
I love having shared finances. We are a team, and it is our money. It really helped that we actually took a Dave Ramsey course together before we got married (and then actually taught the course once for our church). It was incredibly helpful to have the same groundwork and even terminology when it came to budgeting.
Dave is so smart!
I do agree with everything you say, but note that this works ONLY if your husband does not have mental health issues. We tried a joint account early on in the marriage, when I didn’t know he was having severe psychosis issues. Money went missing left, right and center, and I personally never had enough money at any given time for a coffee from McDonald’s (even though I was the one who worked). Things have gotten better over time, but the aftermath is something only God can deliver us from.
Very true, and thank you for mentioning that! There are definitely times when you need separate accounts, when one person cannot be trusted to have access to all of the family’s finances, either because of these types of issues or because of spending addictions or gambling addictions (or any other kind of addiction, really). And sometimes you may need help getting your husband off of those accounts, so sometimes we need to recruit help from our church community. So, yes, it’s the ideal, but it doesn’t apply in all situations!
We have always had joint accounts for our entire 20 year marriage. There is no “his” and “hers”. It is all “ours”. I am currently a SAHM and while I have no income of my own, I do know how to make his income stretch to the point that many part time jobs are not worth my time because I can get more for the money being at home. We budget together and always consult the other for any spending above a certain amount.
That’s perfect!
My ex wife and I fought allot, but NEVER over money. We decided from day #1 to have joint accounts and we had a rule that any one item over $50 (US Shelia!) required a joint “yes”. So, if she was at the store and wanted to buy a $75 dress, she would call and get my confirmation. If it was $45, she would buy and I didn’t question it. We both were blessed with good jobs and were frugal with money, so we weren’t living pay-check to pay-check which made this system a breeze. Yes …. we did turn each other down at times! Of course, this could be abused, but it set a general tone that it was OUR money! This didn’t change when she became a SAHM.
I’m still angry over yesterday’s article ….. if you married this women, are intimate with her, are raising YOUR kids together, how the HECK would you not share the money!!!!!!! It seems to be very covert HOSTAGE TAKING!
Thanks so much! Sounds like a great system. 🙂 And I’m angry over yesterday, too.
Great article!! Thank you for writing. I have been a SAHM all of our married life (almost 7 years) and I had no income before I got married (very conservative background where women having an income was looked down on) so honestly it was no big deal to me to share an account with my husband. I experienced guilt for spending “his” money on myself though. Coming from a frugal family where money was never in excess, I was scared to spend my “husband’s money” even though we had plenty for us to live on.
You know the saying, “a penny saved is a penny earned”? I had to look at finances differently to free myself from the “his money” mindset. I did our laundry, housekeeping, meal planning/cooking, grocery shopping, child care, mending, cleaning the car, taking the kids to and from school, etc. All of those things would cost money if we had to hire them out. So my staying home and doing all of this is how I contribute to our income. (Now that doesn’t mean my husband never helps with the chores. He absolutely does, especially after I’ve had a baby. But that’s another subject.) I treat my job as a SAHM as a job even though I don’t get “paid” for it.
I especially appreciated all the points you made because I’m in the process now of building my own in home/online business and my husband may be going to school in the near future. So the income dynamics will be changing quite a bit. We’ve talked about setting up another account for my business and using some of our joint savings account to fund my business till it takes off. I’m not sure what will be the best way to set this up, and I’m sure there will be some trial and error, but these points will definitely be on my mind as we navigate this.
We have never had a budget until this year when we downloaded the Every Dollar app. It’s amazing how much more conscious we are of how we spend now that we’re recording every dollar we spend. I always thought having a budget would feel confining, but it’s actually quite freeing! We were always careful with our spending before, and usually managed to add money into our savings account every month. But I didn’t realize how much MORE we were capable of saving until we made a budget.
I personally feel like having separate accounts because one spouse isn’t wise with spending money is hurtful because it never helps the unwise spender to “grow up.” It’s like taking consequences away from a child who is making poor decisions. Getting to the root of WHY unwise spending happens may be messy and need counseling and accountability outside of the marriage relationship, but it’s worth it for your relationship to seek help, not just find a temporary solution for the problem. If a spouse had a drinking problem or anger problem or gambling problem or whatever problem we would want them to get help. It isn’t that much different from having a money spending problem, is it? Just a thought, not trying to stir up anything. ?
Sounds like you guys have a great system! And best wishes as you launch a new business! That can be a scary time in your marriage, but also really exciting.
And I LOVE the EveryDollar app. I’m glad you gave a plug for it! 🙂
I’d agree with you that taking someone off of a bank account isn’t good–IF it’s the only thing you’re doing. I think sometimes it has to be done as a temporary thing, if there are addictions involved. But it also has to be accompanied by some counselling and some accountability groups so that you can stop the behaviour. Setting it up as a permanent thing is really scary. If someone can’t overcome that addiction, then the problem is much bigger than a bank account! Thanks for mentioning that for clarification. 🙂
Thank you! Yes it’s scary starting a business. ?
And yes, I agree that temporarily removing an unwise spender from the account is necessary. Credit score and paying the electric bill obviously are very important!
Sara,
Regarding a separate account for your new business: YES!
Simply put:
1) All income for the business gets deposited into this account. Always.
2) All expenses for the business are paid for from this account. Always.
3) Pay yourself a “salary” from this account.
4) Both husband and wife should be signers on the account. After all, this does belong to both of you, even if it is “your” business.
Never mingle personal accounts and business accounts. Ever.
This way, when it is time to do your taxes, you have a clear record of all income and all expenses. Even if you are an accountant (I am!) this very clear record will save you a headache at tax time.
That’s what I do now, too, for my blog. I have one account for that, and if we need personal money, I pay it from there. But all expenses and income are in that one account instead of being mingled with the other!
I find this topic interesting. I usually hear how it evidences a lack of oneness or unhealthy marriage, leads to divorce, etc. I think there is a difference between sharing finances and responsibilities and sharing bank accounts. Sharing finances and responsibilities is what the covenant of marriage requires, not necessarily shared accounts. While some reasons for separate accounts may be evidences of a lack of oneness and family-focus, others may be practical and wise.
You can share finances and responsibility with separate accounts and have a healthy marriage that is family-focused and achieves goals and plans for retirement. Conversely, you can have shared accounts and not reflect or achieve the objectives of this list which I heartily agree should be every couple’s aim.
I agree. Separate accounts joint accounts or a combo will not solve the mentality issues. I think all should be shared information, but I have separate savings accounts just for myself as a single person. it seems like the key to finances working for a married couple is that they are on the same page.
I feel like my husband and I need to improve at some of this. Our main checking account is shared. He has another account he had to set up a couple years before we got married for his car loan. My name still isn’t on that account. That’s just been a lazy thing on our part, rather than him not wanting to share with me. Also our credit cards are separate.
Yeah, I think one of the biggest things is that when things are separate like that it’s hard to make a budget together–and you really need to if you want to get a handle on your finances and get ahead. I know that can seem daunting, but it’s great to feel like you know how much money you have, how much you owe, and what your plan is to move forward! I hope you get there.
Also, separate can make sense if one (but not both) of you need to repair credit. My husband and I have mostly joint accounts, but all of the loans (mortgage and one car) are in my name only because I have excellent credit. My husband has a credit card that is in only his name so he can build up his credit score. It’s a temporary thing, really — in a couple of years, that’ll all go away. But I think it is okay to be strategic in what is shared and what is joint — the point is that both of you are sharing in your financial planning, not that everything is even-steven on paper.
Yes, that’s very smart. And sometimes it’s necessary. But as long as you’re doing your budget and planning together, and think of it as the “family’s money”, then I don’t think the specifics matter as much. It’s really the mindset and the planning!
Its very different here in South Africa – our tax laws don’t allow for a couple to have a joint account. Even for stay-at-home moms, you need your own account to show any income of monies, and any expenditure before tax will be paid out or taken into account. As a working woman here in South Africa, I am required to have my own bank account as any tax refunds will not be paid into any account that does not have my name on it – even joint accounts. I know this because I work for an accounting/auditing firm. So, for us, it seems silly to have two accounts in each of our names – and then have to pay additional banking fees for a third account just to have a joint account.
This does bring about problems like I pay for this, you pay for that… etc. However, I can see that my stance is changing in that it now has become – I don’t care who pays, its all our money anyway, which I think is truly at the heart of the matter. I have full access to my husband’s account and he has full access to mine (although I don’t think he can remember my log-on or PIN)… 😉 But would remind him if need be.
Seems that there is more against marriage working that just the entertainment culture…
P.S. We also spell “check”: cheque… 🙂
Yay! 🙂
Wow, I had no idea there were laws like that! I do think that would make it an extra challenge for doing budgets together, but obviously you can get over that. I’m glad you both have come to see it that way! But really,….that would be a challenge.
My husband and I have a shared account; I closed mine when we got married, and he added me to his (checking and savings). I would have full access to the accounts if I could remember the login 🙂
We do sit down together about every week while he pays the bills and looks at what’s been spent/saved. Our own credit/debit cards are tied to the same account, and both our paychecks are deposited into the same account. So even though he overall takes care of the finances, we are definitely in it together.
He is a big saver. Although I’m not a spender, I’m not a great saver either, so this works really well for us–it’s a backstop for me, and we feel like teammates. I always have in mind that when we have kids I’ll become a SAHM, so I really try to be conscious about spending and think about living on his income only.
That’s wonderful!
I am in complete agreement with the ideas presented in the article, but I have a friend facing remarriage where both have teenage kids. There are issues of child support, upcoming college expenses, house payment, etc. What would be recommended in this situation?
I couldn’t disagree more. Keep separate Credit Card accounts in different names. Do not take credit cards from one source in both names. The credit card companies love you as co-signers. Don’t do it. Everything will be fine unless one partner loses his job, is sued or becomes a collection target. Don’t endanger both your credit ratings. If another 2008 comes along, you will both be hurt. Separate, Separate, Separate. Yes, you can’t avoid co-credit obligations like a home mortgage. But all car loans and credit cards should be in each name. Then one-half of the marriage will still have credit. Every couple should see an asset-protection attorney before marriage.
Good tips, but when you have a “blended” family that really changes everything…We each have a separate account and a joint account for bigger purchases etc. Problem I face is when I bring up a “money” issue my husband says it’s “our” money, but if he brings up a money issue all of a sudden it’s “his” money. I can’t win.
My husband keeps all credit cards although I earn more than him. I was OK with that until I recently realise his relationship with other ladies. He doesn’t engage in sex with them but their conversations on what’s up or text messages sometimes makes me fell uncomfortable to the extent of asking go naked pictures. If I ask for my credit card ,He becomes angree and tell me , he is the head and needs to control the money. I love him but he is killing my love and trust for him.
My hubby and I (married 22+ years) have a great deal: he makes the money and I spend it. Lol just kidding.
He is the only one that works outside the home (since I had our first baby 17 years ago) but I pay the bills and keep track of everything.
There hasn’t ever been a lot of extra $$ to spend but if we have extra we figure it out together!
I’m sending this to my 17 year old daughter who is in a relationship-they already believe this way but this just backs it up.
That’s wonderful! I’m glad you liked it.
This is my second marriage to a bachelor, he never had to take care of anyone but himself his whole life until he called me out of the blue after 25 years (he was my first serious boyfriend for 5 years but we broke up because I wanted to get married and have a family). I was divorced from my first husband whom I had two kids with, married for 22 years. He sent me a ticket to come out and see him 12 years ago. I came out here for a week, things were going great, I confessed my love for him still after all those years. He came to where I was living to visit and meet my kids, he asked me to move out here with him leaving my kids (adults), my siblings, and everything I’ve ever known! I sold my house and moved out here, the first few months were wonderful, my son came out to visit and he became annoyed with my son, then he continued to live his life like he was still a bachelor making my life miserable! After 6 months and lots of discussions on our relationship, and that he needed to understand that he was in a relationship now, no longer single! Things got better between us, but as for the financial part, he was extremely stingy and claimed his money was his because he earned it so I had to ask him for money when I needed it! Again, things got better, I worked full time yet only making less than half of what he made, but he added some funds to my checking account every two weeks. We got married after 4 years of being out here with him, we’ve been married for 6 years now, but he retired on disability a year ago. I was out of work for over a year before he retired, we had a great summer last year (2017), but winter was coming and he became extremely lazy, depending on me to make every meal, do all the cleaning, etc like I did while I was unemployed and he was working. Very little sharing chores, yet he did not add me to his checking account or credit card all these years. I got a new job 8 months ago, I use that money for a couple bills, groceries, household needs, he pays the mortgage, utilities, health insurance, etc (he has investments and retirement income from his past job), yet he hasn’t put me on any of it! Today I got home from work, no dishes done, didn’t do any cleaning, making dinner for us, not even watering our vegetable garden and landscaping that I painstakingly paid for all materials and did all the labor around HIS house! I’ve been doing all the electrical, plumbing, carpentry, refurbishing of HIS house for the past10 years, yet he still claims it’s HIS house, HIS money that he can spend as he wants, and I still am not on any of his accounts, investments, mortgage, even as co-owner of our cars!
I’m tired of arguing over money, tired of him not wanting to include me on anything “WE” own, buying cars without discussing it with me first, tired of him holding this “roof over my head and food in my mouth” over my head all the time!
You people have any advise I would love to hear it!!!
This is a very delayed comment I know but I just discovered your blog. I actually found out about your blog because I was searching for topics on abusive marriages. As you can guess by now I am in an emotionally abusive manipulative marriage where my husband of 25 years withheld sex and affection because he considered me not attractive enough for him, hardly praises anything I do and tries to put down even such things as my cooking and the way I decorate my home. He has not worked for almost 23 years but is always looking out for ways where I can keep working and earning. Ours is not a real marriage and I can never understand why i stayed with him all these years.
I suspect he married me so that he could have a comfortable life. I work hard and earn decent money and pay for all the expenses. He takes care of my son by sending him to school and sports and cooking the meals and never has any care about finances.
When we got married I bought into all this “respect your husband stuff” and let him have access to the salary account. This has lead to abuse as my husband hardly saves even though I keep prodding him. He has even used the funds to spend on his girlfriend. As he hardly spends on himself and he does not give me the money for savings, I wonder where the missing funds go to. I have tried to talk to him about finances but he ignores my concerns or else the talk escalates into an argument with him raising voice.
I no longer trust him and now have resorted to taking some money each month and keeping a nest egg for the future. I may need this especially if we divorce or separate. I feel that this marriage has been such a sham and I feel used. He tries to get affectionate only when he needs money for his ideas to start a business. I would never agree that all couples should have joint accounts. This is only for those who are not in an abusive relationships. If I let my husband access to all my money, I would become bankrupt.
My dad passed on recently leaving me a decent legacy. My pastor who knows the background of my relationship with my husband says that notwithstanding his conduct, I am supposed to share my funds with him because God views us as one. That suggestion absolutely repels me as my husband is such a user. I don’t think its good stewardship or wise to allow someone who is a user and manipulator to spend my money. As it stands I am paying and have been paying all his expenses and needs for the past 23 years plus all the other expenses of the family which falls squarely on my head.
Whatever money I have is for the whole family to use except that I will not let my husband access to or control the finances. Is this a sin against God?
Sharon
Sharon, as I said in the article, when you’re in an abusive relationship, things really are different. If you need to get some money put aside to protect yourself and your son, then please do it. And if your husband has not been working or contributing for decades (assuming that he doesn’t really do much housework or look after the home?) then that is really a problem. I’m sorry you’re going through this! I hope you can get people around you who can help you.
If he has a girlfriend, that is just so, so wrong. Please get help! And again, I’m so sorry.
I just stumbled on your blog as I was searching for financial accountability in marriage. I think your view are great for those in good marriages but not for those who are married to manipulative and deceiving spouses.
I used to think that way too and had a joint account with my husband when I was newly married. He became unemployed soon after marriage and my thinking then was if I let him access to my salary, he would not feel inferior or any less a man. Plus he stayed at home and bought the groceries and paid the bills so it made sense to let access to my money so that he could pay our bills.
Fast forward a few years. He was barely saving money and I had to keep reminding him to put aside money each month. The result is that we do not have as much as we should have. There should be a lot more in the account each month after paying for expenses but there is not. So I do not know what happens to the money and he gives me no account even though I have asked him to. He watches over what I spend and discourages me from buying expensive stuff for myself or our kid. He rarely takes us out to fancy places to eat. On top of that some years ago I found out that he had used about $4,000 on a young girl he was having an affair with.
Our marriage is a sham and there has been no love or intimacy for most of our marriage, for which my husband has conveniently blamed it on me. I am not the good wife. My husband has been very deceitful and manipulative with me and is a user. I am afraid to cancel the joint account for fear of his anger. He even stole all my jewellery and blamed it on a neighbor/gardener/plumber.
I got so fed up with him and his controlling ways over the money that I work hard for that a few years ago I spent about $20,000 on treatment for my teeth. He does not know about this as I used the extra income I receive by way of bonus for the treatment. At least I have a nice smile now.
My husband will not tithe. He said we do not have enough money. But that is a lie. It will however take a lot of faith on my part to tithe because I will practically have to steal it from our account and he knows each time I make a withdrawal. I have given some money here and there for tithes very discreetly but I am tired of having to account to him. I read some blog on tithing and I feel bad because my giving is almost non existent. To top it I used $20,000 for my teeth instead of tithing. But I really had awful teeth due to the negligence of a previous doctor. I want to pay back God a little of what I owe and have started giving small amounts. But I can never settle in full what I should have given all these years.
I will be receiving an inheritance in the future from a parent’s will so I can use it to give God. I have no plans to let my husband access to this money. I don’t want him to have any control over this.
Just a story why it is not wise to have joint accounts and joint finances. because men can be charming and so good at pretending when they are dating. I don’t know how to come out of this mess. People say just divorce but there are such serious consequences to this and it is not an option for everyone.
We have been married 37 years, both of us working most of the time. I’m a saver, he’s a spender and has accumulated credit card debt. If we had a joint account he would be spending all of my money as well as his. I pay for all home repairs, expenses, groceries and vet bills (we don’t have kids) while he buys stuff for himself, including online porn. I can’t even bring up the topic because it turns into a screaming argument. Bad situation. But I am so thankful we did NOT have our finances together because it would have been so much worse. It’s not for everyone.
Unfortunately more often than not the men we marry end up not being the person we thought they were. There are a lot of selfish, manipulative people out there and we need to protect ourselves.
Shouldn’t independence be a good thing? Shouldn’t you be your own person, rather than one half of a whole? Shouldn’t women be celebrating that they finally have a choice? You said “fairness” is bad, but shouldn’t fairness and equality in a loving partnership be a goal? This only really serves to solidify my desire not to marry, to be honest.
So what do you do when your husband doesn’t respect your contributions to a marriage because you don’t bring home as much money as he does? I do a LOT but it’s unpaid: laundry, chores, errands, kids, etc. When we come up short at the end of the month, he says if I worked FT, we wouldn’t be in this situation. It’s hard to compete with that logic. I DO work, part-time, and make (in my opinion) pretty great income. Not as much as him, but still enough. I’m banging my head against the wall because I’m tired of trying to get him to see why I matter. GAH!
Oh, I’m so sorry! That sounds really tough. Have you worked through a budget together? And also a chore list? And made it clear that if you were to work full time, then he would have to take on a lot of the unpaid work you do? I think if you sit down and sketch it all out that way, that can help. But if you’re short of money at the end of the month, then working on a budget together is likely really important.