If you want to have more regular orgasms, you’ve come to the right place! Let’s talk today about how to become more orgasmic.
Every Monday I like to post a reader question and take a stab at answering it, and here’s one that I get quite frequently. A reader writes,
I can reach orgasm if my husband uses his hand on me, but I’ve only hit orgasm during sex maybe two or three times in five years. Is there a way to make it happen more often? I just find myself so frustrated.
I’d love to try to tackle this one today. I’ve been a little absent from the blog for a while–I had my big family vacation in July and then over the last two weeks I’ve been so busy moving my mom into my house. But I’ve got some great posts coming up this week and I’m excited to be back in the swing of things on the blog. I’ve missed it. So today we’re going to talk about how to make sex feel great for HER, and then tomorrow we’ll tackle 10 ways to make sex feel great for HIM!
But let’s start with you.
The Orgasm Conundrum: You Can’t Try Too Hard
Here’s the hard thing about orgasm: for it to work, the orgasm has to carry you along, you can’t carry it along. And that’s why so many people struggle with this. The harder you try, the less likely it is to happen. But at the same time, there are certain things you really do have to do to make it work.
It’s a lot like sleep: if you try to sleep or if you’re desperate to fall asleep, you’ll lie awake tossing and turning. You have to let the sleep overtake you. But that doesn’t mean you do nothing. You have to get comfortable. You have to turn off some of the things in your brain. You have to let go.
I also think that the process of learning how to reach orgasm is a lot like learning to swim or learning to ride a bike. When you’re learning it seems so complicated. There are so many things you have to pay attention to. But one day, all of a sudden, the training wheels come off and you wobble a bit but then you just fly down the street and you don’t have to think at all! It’s a skill. Same with swimming. One day you’re concentrating so hard on how to float; the next day you just seem to float naturally without thinking about it, and you wonder how you ever found this difficult.
Once you know how to ride a bike, though, it’s hard to describe how you do it. It’s just something that happens. And that’s the same with an orgasm. So I’m going to try today, rather imperfectly, to describe how we can make it happen more frequently and more regularly in your marriage.
What If You Can’t Orgasm At All?
One of the things I tried to describe in my book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, was what an orgasm actually felt like, because I talked to many women at the marriage conferences where I would speak who were never sure if they had actually orgasmed or not. And I did explain how to reach orgasm for the first time.
This post isn’t exactly about that. If you’ve NEVER reached orgasm, this post will help, but you may want to read more basic posts like these ones:
AND, of course, my books 31 Days to Great Sex and The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex have a ton of info in there, too.
But today I want to talk to that woman who maybe has reached orgasm a few times, but it’s not regular and she’s frustrated. What do you do?
8 Tips for Reaching Orgasm More Frequently
1. Let Your Mind Let Go
Let your thoughts recede somewhere to the back of your mind so that you’re more just feeling. It isn’t that you try to think about nothing–that would just make you fall asleep, and that’s hardly sexy. It’s just that you try to stop thinking and more experiencing. Let your mind be less about forming thoughts and more about experiencing and savouring what is happening. Live entirely in the moment.
If you can start to just experience your body, then you’ll start to notice what feels really good and where it feels really good. Pay attention to what feels good, and then focus your mind to those places.
But there’s a difference between experiencing and concentrating. You don’t want to concentrate; you’ll just get frustrated and worked up. You want to experience, where you’re just enjoying it.
That lets you “let go”. And if other thoughts come into your head, like a grocery list or your to do list for tomorrow or something you’re upset about, banish them quickly. Go back to feeling.
2. Moan a Little Bit
One of the ways that you can tell if you’ve really let go and let your mind experience is if you start to vocalize a little bit. People who are really just experiencing are more likely to moan. People who are concentrating hard are less likely to, because moaning is really a reaction to what is happening. And that’s the key: you want to react, not cause something. And if you’re in the mental place where you’re just experiencing, you’re more likely to moan a bit.
So don’t be self-conscious about making noises. He’ll like it anyway–a lot! And here’s the added benefit: when you moan, you vibrate. And those vibrations actually help speed up pleasure. But don’t deliberately moan–just LET yourself moan. That’s a big difference. Relax enough that the moaning just happens. Often we STOP the moaning that wants to happen because we’re embarrassed. Relax, let it happen, and don’t worry about it. It really will help!
And while you’re doing that, don’t hold your breath. Holding your breath is another sign that you’re concentrating too much and trying to make something happen. If you’re being swept along, which is what you want, you will keep breathing. And keeping the oxygen going to different parts of you really does help as the pleasure builds. Once orgasm is imminent often people do stop breathing a bit, and that’s okay. But while it’s building, don’t stop those breaths!
4. Make Tiny Adjustments All the Time
You know when you’re scratching a dog’s tummy, and the dog will wiggle and squirm in pleasure and contort itself so you hit just the right spot? It’s not really thinking hard; it’s just enjoying things and moving so that things feel good.
You need to do the same thing! Move a little bit all the time. If you’re not feeling much of anything, the reason is usually that the angle isn’t quite right. So just move your hips (squeeze your butt so your hips go upward) and move left or right or whatever, until it feels great again. And sometimes it only feels good for a minute or two before the angle changes, so you just need to constantly be making adjustments so you keep feeling good. Usually when we’re making love he’s doing most of the work. But even if he’s on top, you can still move around a bit. And if this is difficult for you, try being on top yourself and finding out what feels best.
And the angle and position that feels good will change as pleasure builds, because blood flow will increase and actually change the size of everything! So it’s okay to be always making little adjustments.
Again, this doesn’t mean that you’re heavily concentrating. It’s more that you’re reacting. You’re chasing the feeling, and if it goes for a minute, you make small adjustments to get it back.
And what if something obviously wants to be touched, like your breasts, and they aren’t currently getting any attention? Take his hand and move it there, tell him, or even move your own hand there (he’ll get the message and this will likely excite him, too!)
Look, this is probably the hardest step, because what we normally do is try to make whatever it is that he’s doing feel good. So we concentrate so hard and we get nothing. You need to just experience and then chase that feeling. Move a bit and find it.
5. Know Your Own Arousal Sequence
Know what it feels like to have an orgasm. Let’s call that feeling a 10. Then no arousal at all is a 0. What’s important now is to know all the stages in between and to be able to identify what’s a 4 and what’s a 7.
And here’s the key: while it’s super fun to try different things during foreplay–like maybe have him touch you there, or orally stimulate you, or use several different positions, or whatever–once you hit a certain point, you don’t want to be switching things up much or you’ll send yourself back down the arousal chain.
So, sure, do different things to get yourself maybe to a 6 or a 7. But once you’re at 7–just start making love and don’t change position or anything much at all. It needs to carry you along, and if you have to stop what you’re doing to do something else you can’t be carried along.
6. Make Sure He Can Last Long Enough So You CAN Reach Orgasm
Here’s a tough one, especially for younger couples: you need to give yourself enough time. If he finishes in 5 minutes flat, then you likely aren’t going to have enough time to reach orgasm during intercourse, which is what most of us are aiming for.
So some thoughts: don’t start until you’re at a 7 on the arousal scale. Have him stimulate you in other ways first without you directly stimulating him to give him time to catch up to you. Or, alternatively, have a “quickie” a few hours earlier so that he’s not as desperate, and then try for the whole shebang later in the night when he’s more likely to be able to go longer.
7. Let the Wave Overtake You
When an orgasm does come it’s really more like a wave that washes over you. When you feel like it’s about to start (so when you’re at about a 9) it’s even more important NOT to concentrate but to just enjoy it and lean in. I don’t know how to explain this part (it’s like explaining how to float when you already know how to swim!), but just feel it rather than trying to control it.
8. Ride the Wave of the Orgasm
And here’s the neat thing–if you just keep feeling it and riding that wave, you can actually become multiorgasmic. When you concentrate too much, what can happen is that you reach orgasm and then you stop concentrating and everything stops. But if you just ride it, it can keep going. Just keep breathing and keep feeling, and it may keep going. The reason most of the time it stops is because we stop it. We say to ourselves, “there, I’ve done it!” and we enjoy it, but we stop experiencing and we start thinking. Just keep letting yourself feel it and it may keep going.
So there’s the best that I can manage to explain how to become more orgasmic when you’re actually making love. I know reaching orgasm during intercourse is a big goal that many of us have, and it often takes a few years in a marriage to get used to your body and how to “ride” the whole pleasure thing.
One last thought: know how hormones affect arousal. I wrote a big post on how arousal works throughout the month, and it’s important to know. There are certain days when it’s much easier to reach orgasm than others, and if you know this, you’re less likely to get frustrated on those “red” days. There’s nothing wrong with you. It’s just hormones!
I hope that helps! If anyone has any other tips or any other questions about orgasm, just leave them in the comments! Let’s not be afraid to talk about this stuff.
And remember–if you just have never really understood how arousal works or how to make sex feel great, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex can help clear up so many things for you–and get you excited about sex on all its levels (physically, emotionally, and spiritually). Plus it’s a super fun read!