Fun conversation starters for couples: Does that sound kind of fake? Like if you need conversation topics, then you’ve got a problem?

Today’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! And today I thought I’d list some great conversation starters that you can use with your husband when you want to start connecting–but aren’t sure where to start.

Keith and I are just back from teaching at a FamilyLife weekend marriage conference, and one of the things we really stressed was this:

When you stop talking about the little things, you lose the ability to talk about the big things in your marriage.

We stopped talking about the BIG things after we lost the ability to talk about the LITTLE things

John Gottman, a marriage researcher, has done some amazing work on breaking down what makes a successful relationship and what makes a relationship on really rocky ground. He’s so good that he’s able to predict, after seeing a couple interact for just 15 minutes, which couples will divorce within 10 years to incredible accuracy, because he’s learned which tiny things really matter.

One of his big findings was this: in successful marriages, you have 5 positive conversations and interactions to every 1 straining one–a 5:1 ratio. But in struggling marriages that split, the ratio is 1:1.

So we have to be intentional about having those positive interactions! But that can be tough, especially with kids, if you’re always exhausted and most conversations have to do with groceries and schedules and naptimes.

Today, then, I’m going to give you 50 conversation starters that are intentional: these married date night questions are focused on building memories and dreams together.

And then I’ll give you five ideas on how to use them!
What’s more, if you would rather have this list with you so you can take it on the go, you can download it for iPhone, Tablet or Computer!

50 Conversation Starters for Couples:

  1. When do you last remember laughing with me the most?
  2. Some people talk to figure out what they’re thinking, and some people don’t talk until they know what they’re thinking. Which do you think you are? Which do you think I am?
  3. What does the word “affection” mean to you? What does the word “romance” mean to you?
  4. What’s one time lately that I’ve made you feel great about yourself? How can I do that more often?
  5. What’s your favorite sexual memory with me? Want to recreate it?
  6. What’s a favorite memory from when we were dating? What made it so fun?
  7. What was a time your mom really messed up with talking to you or punishing you when you were a kid?
  8. What was a time when your dad really messed up with talking to you or punishing you when you were a kid?
  9. What’s something you never confessed to your parents until much later–that you laugh about now?
  10. What song from the radio did you just HATE when you were in your early teens? Why?

11. What movie did you see when you were really too young to watch it? What effect did it have on you?
12. When did you first find out about sex? Who told you? What did you think?
13. Do you remember sleepover parties from when you were a kid? What did you like about them? What did you hate about them?
14. Who was your best friend when you were 9? Do you know what happened to him/her?
15. Who was your favorite teacher in elementary school? What did you like about him or her?
16. What’s your most embarrassing memory from junior high?
17. What was your favorite toy as a kid that kids don’t really play with now? (If we have kids, should we try to find it for them?)
18. Tell me about your first crush. Why did you like him/her? Did you ever tell him/her?
19. Who is your favorite relative from my side of the family?
20. Who do you miss the most who is waiting for you in heaven?

When you stop talking about the little things, you lose the ability to talk about the big things in your marriage. 

21. Who from your past, outside of your immediate family, do you wish that I had had the chance to meet?
22. Between your parents and your grandparents, who do you think you are most like? In what ways?
23. Set a timer for four minutes and tell your life story. (This one’s interesting to see what your spouse considers the most important highlights!)
24. What did you want to be when you were 10 years old?
25. What were some of your favorite games to play when you were a kid? Do you see any parallels to what you chose to do as a career/calling?
26. When did you first get that definite feeling, “God is here. He is real.”? Where were you? What were you doing?
27. What prayer have you been praying for years–and wonder if it will ever be answered?
28. What word speaks to you most–love or justice? Why? (hint: there is no right answer, since God is both).
29. What’s your favorite Bible verse (even if you can’t remember it word perfectly)? Why?
30. If you could be any historical figure for a week, who would it be?

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31. If you could ask advice from any historical figure, who would it be? What would you ask them?
32. If you could go back to 1936 and kill Hitler without being caught, would you? If so, how? Would you feel guilty about it?
33. What subject do you find interesting now that you hated in school? Why do you like it now, and why did you not like it then? How would you have taught it differently?
34. If you could be president without having to campaign, would you do it? If so, what’s the first big change that you’d try to make?
35. Name two things you want to be remembered for. How can I help you develop those two things?
36. What does the word “success” mean to you?
37. What dream have you put on the back burner? Do you think it’ll stay there forever, or would you like to still live it out one day? How can I help?
38. What normal food that most people eat do you wish you liked but you just don’t?
39. What’s one pet peeve of yours that you wish that you could get rid of–because it hampers your enjoyment of life?
40. What’s your idea of a perfect vacation?

41. If you were on a desert island, but your needs for food and shelter were totally taken care of, what one luxury item would you wish for?
42. What’s the farthest you’ve ever walked? Why did you walk there?
43. When you go to the zoo, what animal do you like to watch the most? Why?
44. You have unlimited money and time. Describe to me your ideal “room” in a house where you would feel the most comfortable.
45. Name an activity you used to do when you were younger that you don’t do anymore–but you’d likely enjoy if you started again. Do you think we could/should add it to our lives now?
46. When did you last cry by yourself? How can I help you more when you’re upset?
47. The house is on fire, but everyone is safely out, the pets are safely out, and all wallets/cash are saved. If you could make one last dash to get something, what would it be?
48. What is your earliest memory?
49. Do you ever have recurring nightmares? What are they about?
50. Choose one superpower: invisibility; flight; teleportation; reading minds; super strength. Why did you choose that? Would you be temped to use your power for evil?

If you want to have ideas ready to go at all times, get a copy of this list on your iPhone, Tablet, or Computer

But it’s not enough to have a list of married date night questions! Now that you have these conversation starters, how are you going to actually use them?

5 Ideas to Weave These Conversation Topics into Your Everyday Marriage:

  1. Write 3 on a piece of paper, or put them on your phone, and go for a walk every night after dinner and talk about them. Take turns answering each one. If you have little kids, just put the kids in a stroller and bring them with you.
  2. Have kids? Take 15 minutes after dinner and tell the kids to play, because it’s Mommy/Daddy time. Clean up the dishes together and talk through 3 conversation topics.
  3. Head to bed 15 minutes earlier than usual and use 3 conversation starters while laying down.
  4. Have “Saturday Breakfasts with a Purpose”, where every week you share a special breakfast and work through 10 conversation topics. If you have kids, feed them something fast first and let them do chores, homework, or even watch Netflix while you take special Mommy/Daddy time.
  5. Use 3 conversation topics each night during dinner. Eat without any television or movies, and instead talk with each other!

Remember: the more you get to know each other and talk about real things, the easier it will be to deal with anything else that comes up in marriage! So try some of these married date night questions when you’re looking for some conversation starters on your next date night. Don’t be lazy, and don’t drift apart. Keep talking. It makes all the difference–and it’s a lot easier than you think!

How have you kept conversation going in your marriage? Let me know in the comments!

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