Women: Your Husband Is Not Jesus. Always Follow God First!

by | Sep 20, 2018 | Resolving Conflict | 24 comments

Your Husband Isn't Jesus: When it comes to making decisions in marriage, who should we ultimately follow?

We’ve been talking about submission this month, and today I want to ask a simple question: Who should we ultimately follow?

I’m trying to dedicate every Wednesday in the month to one simple theme. Last month we talked about the MBTI personality inventory and marriage; this month we’re talking about submission. And I have more than four posts in me, so I thought I’d take today to write an additional one, even though it’s not Wednesday!

Yesterday I was talking about how submission to your husband doesn’t mean that he makes all the decisions. I frequently get into conversations with people about this, because the main point I want to make is that ultimately, we’re supposed to be doing God’s will. In a marriage, then, what’s the best way to ensure that God’s will is done?

To me, it seems obvious that you wrestle things out together. After all, if you disagree on something, and then the husband decides what you do, there are only two possibilities: either one of you isn’t hearing from God, or both of you aren’t hearing from God. If, instead, you decide to pray it through, talk it through, ask others for help, and wrestle it through until you’re in agreement, then there’s more likelihood that both of you will indeed be hearing God’s voice.

When I talk to people about it, I tend to ask this question: “What happens when you disagree?” I want people to work through the fact that assuming that he should make the decision does not necessarily mean that you’re doing God’s will.

Recently, though, I was involved in a discussion on Twitter with a man that just wasn’t going anywhere. But as I pushed, I realized what the issue was, and it helped me to see the more husband-centered marriage theology in a new way.

They never disagreed on a decision, you see, because he always made the decisions with virtually no input.

Here’s how it works:

He believed that God called him, as the husband, to lead and make decisions. Therefore, whenever he led and made a decision, he was ipso facto doing God’s will.

But that’s rather circular, because what it’s saying is this:

Because God asks me to make a decision, when I make a decision, that decision is automatically God’s will.

We have now equated a husband’s will with God’s will.

And that is highly problematic.

He honestly believed that if his wife were to have input, then they would not be operating as God intended. The only way to have a marriage that is God-centered was to do what the husband felt was right, and never do what the wife felt was right. If they did what the wife thought was right, then they would be disobeying God. The wife’s views, then, became irrelevant and unimportant.

This may sound bizarre, but I actually really appreciated that Twitter conversation, because it opened my eyes to how some people do view submission.  Indeed, if you believe that what God wants most in marriage is for a husband to make the decisions while the wife follows, then giving her a chance to follow a decision she disagrees with becomes more godly than working through a problem together. If the best way to obey God is to obey your husband’s decisions, then if you agree on something, you don’t actually have the opportunity to obey your husband–and thus obey God. It sets up this really strange dynamic where disagreement becomes more godly than unity!

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I know some people (including this man) do adhere to this view. But I’d like to challenge it looking at 4 principles from Scripture.

1. God’s desire is that we do His will.

In the Lord’s prayer, we pray “Thy will be done”. That is our first and foremost duty on earth–to obey God.

2. There is no mediator or substitute for God on earth.

You cannot claim that the way to obey God is to simply follow what someone else says. Peter said, “We must obey God, rather than man.” (Acts 5:29). Paul wrote that  the only mediator we have between God and us is Christ (1 Timothy 2:5). Women do not have an additional mediator in our husbands; we are called to obey God first and foremost.

3. God’s main desire is not that we have power, but that we serve.

So much of marriage theology is centered around who has power, and I think this neglects the heart of the gospel. As Jesus said in Matthew 20:25-28 (NIV):

Jesus called them together and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. 26 Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, 27 and whoever wants to be first must be your slave— 28 just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.

When we start saying, “Oh, but someone needs to have power!”, we’re missing the point. Jesus never asked that. Jesus said, “who can serve?” (And, indeed, that’s what we’ll be looking at next week when we see what submission really means in marriage!)

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4. We are never to follow anyone into sin.

God is very clear that we are responsible for ourselves, and there is never an excuse for sin. Adam and Eve got in a lot of trouble for trying to blame others for their own sin!

Most people would agree with that, even those who say that the man should make all decisions in marriage. However, you can’t simultaneously believe that submission means following his decisions and also believe that we shouldn’t follow anyone into sin, because of Ephesians 5:24:

Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

In everything. No ifs, ands or buts. If submission is about decision making, then wives should follow every decision. If, on the other hand, we’re called to faithfully serve our husbands in everything, then the verse makes perfect sense.

So next week I’ll issue my challenge to you (and it’s a big one!) on what it means to serve our husbands in everything. That’s what Jesus wants us to do. That’s what He modeled to us. And that is the heart of the gospel, and His will for wives in marriage.

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Sheila Wray Gregoire

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Sheila Wray Gregoire

Author at Bare Marriage

Sheila is determined to help Christians find biblical, healthy, evidence-based help for their marriages. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8

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24 Comments

  1. Samantha

    I don’t believe Ephesians 5:22-33 should ever be quoted in pieces. This group of verses tells you just about everything you need to know about having a Godly marriage. And here is the thing… if a husband is truly loving his wife as Christ loved the church then quite frankly it wouldn’t even matter if he were making all the decisions for the family because everything he decided would truly be for her benefit and the benefit of the whole family. Not saying that a husband SHOULD make all of the decisions by himself, but do you see where I’m coming from? A wife can and SHOULD respect a man who is truly loving her and doing everything for her benefit. I truly believe that a man has a very important responsibility going into marriage. He is called to give himself up for his wife just as Christ did for the church. That is a very tall order especially in the selfish world we live in. I truly cannot believe the “wives should submit…” part gets as much attention as it does when verse 25 rarely seems to get mentioned by women AND men. You see, men don’t get to pretend that the verse about submission means that they get to boss their wives around and treat their wives as if they are merely there to attend to their every whim and fancy when we look at this whole group of verses. These husbands are to be loving their wives as Jesus loved the church and last I checked Jesus did things like wash dirty feet and suffer and die on a cross for the church he loved. He didn’t sit on a throne and boss everyone around like they were his slaves. And wives are simply called to submit and respect? If more people actually focused on ALL of these verses, then quite frankly we women don’t have a thing to complain about as far as what we have been called to do goes. Submission and respect is easy when you have a man who you know would be willing to give his own life up for your good. To me, if churches are emphasizing submission and respect but NOT the fact that husbands are supposed to be loving their wives as Christ loved the church, then THAT is their major failing.

    Reply
    • Samantha

      And I do believe husbands and wives both need to act like Christ for their marriage to work. Every Christians goal needs to be to become more like Christ. But I do find it very interesting that in these particular verses men are called to give themselves up for their wives. And if you think about it, women are really being called to the same by submitting to their husbands. We are giving our own selfish desires up for the good of our husband and the marriage. So really we’re both being called to give ourselves up. And if we’re both being called to give up our own desires and wants, then yes, we will be more inclined to go to the other person when there is a decision to be made because we’ll both be thinking about the good of the other person. The whole idea of the husband being the “tie breaker” is idiotic. I don’t even know where it came from. Isn’t God’s will the tie breaker? And no, God’s will is not automatically a husband’s will unless the husband has truly come to a decision with his wife’s best interest at heart and a sincere desire to do God’s will and not his own. And if a man is honestly trying to do what is best for his wife, there is a very good chance he is going to ask her what she thinks.

      Reply
      • Samantha

        Afterall, a husband and wife are to be ONE flesh. That means that the wife is PART of her husband. Body, mind and soul. SO what man would only consult part of himself while making a decision? Wouldn’t it make more sense to also listen to the other half of himself? You know, I think people make such a mess of marriage these days because they don’t actually focus on these details. They think the “one flesh” verse is just something romantic to read at weddings and don’t actually take it seriously. I cannot tell you how many times my husband and I have had the same thought at the same exact time. The same song in our head. I do believe husbands and wives become one person if they actually go about marriage the way God instructs them to.

        Reply
        • Elena

          Samantha, I agree with everything you said. I also love the last part about really becoming one flesh by becoming one person, one body if we follow God’s instructions and the example of Christ. That is so beautiful!

          Reply
        • Joanna Sawatsky

          Hi Samantha,
          Sheila is off doing filming for The Whole Story today, so I’m pinch hitting. 🙂
          Thanks so much for your thoughts – I’m so glad you’re liking the series!
          I would push back on the idea that one person in the marriage could make all of the decisions if he (or she, I think, from your logic) was perfectly following Christ. Here’s why: I think that marriage is supposed to be a picture of the Trinity. As the members of the trinity are one and yet not one, so are we one and yet not one (ok, not to the same extent, but there’s a mystery there and it’s pretty amazing). Jesus, who is perfect, spent his time on earth constantly consulting the Father. He didn’t act with impunity, instead, he spent as much time as possible communing with the Father.
          I have a habit of asking my husband before making big purchases. He does the same with me. We try to talk before making evening plans, or before really making any decision at all. We WANT to consult each other. Occasionally, I’ve gotta make plans right then and there or he needs to make a buying decision when I’m not around… and then we make that work. But it isn’t our ideal situation when it happens.

          Reply
          • Samantha

            Thanks for the reply, Joanna! I do see what you are saying and I do want to clarify that I wasn’t actually saying that the husband (or the wife) should make all the decisions. I was making the first stroke to paint a larger picture, so to speak. You see, if a husband is loving his wife as he loves his own body and truly giving himself up for her as Christ did for the church, then his motives for making any decision will be to make the best decision for the good of his wife, marriage and family. And then I went on to say that in order to do this a man almost always has to consult his wife who is supposed to be his other half according to God’s design. And this applies the other way around with the wife consulting her husband. I take the “one flesh” thing very seriously and literally as I believe we all should. Sometimes life requires split second decisions though and in those cases you do have to know your spouse well enough to be able to make the kind of decision you would very likely make together anyway. When it comes right down to it we are supposed to give ourselves up for our spouse. The husband for his wife and the wife for her husband. We are giving ourselves up because we are no longer just “ourselves” anyway. We can no longer simply ask “what do I want”? We lose that luxury when we choose to bind ourselves to another person and take them on as an extension of ourselves. That’s why we have so many failed marriages. People aren’t really all that good at giving themselves up and sacrificing their “hopes and dreams” and ambitions for the sake of something that, if taken seriously, is a great deal more rewarding than anything they could have hoped for. The same can be said about our relationship with God, Christ’s relationship with the church and vice versa.

          • Joanna Sawatsky

            Thanks so much for clarifying 🙂 I’m glad we’re on the same page! Totally agree with everything you’ve laid out here.

          • Tom

            I have a habit of asking my husband before making big purchases. He does the same with me. We try to talk before making evening plans, or before really making any decision at all. We WANT to consult each other.
            Sorry, I see this was already discussed – I commented too quickly.
            I agree Joanna. When my wife and I hit an impasse on a decision, I don’t push through and demand a decision my way. It is a sign there is a problem someowhere that we are not on the same page – could be me or her, it is never God – so we take more time and wait for God to show either of us. We haven’t been disappointed. It requires humility though.

    • Steph

      Well said Samantha, I think this myself all the time : that is the big part we don’t talk about often enough. If husbands loved their wives as they were commanded, of course they couldn’t be abusing their role in the process ! Yes, marriage takes a complete renouncing of SELF, of the beloved EGO, it takes self sacrifice on the part of both. And it will be felt in the marriage if it’s not whole hearted !

      Reply
      • Samantha

        Exactly, Steph! And I really don’t think people (men AND WOMEN) realize how much they truly cling to their self and ego going into marriage and parenthood for that matter. It’s like I said, we can’t just simply ask “what do I want” in a situation. We have to consider what is best for the other and for the marriage as a whole. And I truly believe the real struggle with that submission verse is that both sides look at it and run away with it before truly looking at the whole group of verses. Men who want validation to only focus on themselves look at it and say, “well this means I get what I want and my wife has to go along with it.” Women who are afraid of losing their ability to ask, “what do I want,” look at it and get their claws ready to go fight the patriarchy because they can’t possibly be expected to “submit” to their husbands. It seems to me that people don’t bother to keep reading and fully grasp that wives AND husbands are both being asked to give themselves up for the sake of unity. Yes, that means going and consulting one another when there is a decision to be made because you genuinely care about the other person. And even then we can’t just ask, “what do I want,” it has to be, “what’s best for us as a whole.”

        Reply
        • Sheila Wray Gregoire

          Totally agree, Samantha. It’s about what is best for us–and not only that, but what does God want for us together. Unfortunately, too many women have been taught that their needs truly don’t matter in the name of submission, which is not what these verses mean at all. And I do think that’s what causes so many divorces in certain denominations. The women push themselves down for so long, and then eventually they can’t do it anymore. It’s much healthier (and more biblical) to learn how to express our needs and talk things through and seek God together. And I do think that this is what these verses are telling us to do.

          Reply
      • Tom

        If husbands loved their wives as they were commanded, of course they couldn’t be abusing their role in the process !
        Yes, so true.

        Reply
    • Tom

      Hey Samantha – as a Christian husband, I agree with you with one addition:
      And here is the thing… if a husband is truly loving his wife as Christ loved the church then quite frankly it wouldn’t even matter if he were making all the decisions for the family because everything he decided would truly be for her benefit and the benefit of the whole family.
      If a husband is loving his wife as Christ loved the church he would never WANT to make all the decisions without any involvement from his wife. That is not loving as Jesus loves.

      Reply
  2. S.E.B.

    Thank you, Sheila, for sticking to your guns and writing so many posts about this! I have been able to share them with several of my friends who grew up in/attend churches with unhealthy views about submission, and it gives me peace to know that they are hearing Christ-centered truth rather than just a patriarchy-centered “truth”! Your blog posts have done more for my relationship with Christ than most pastors have. I appreciate you!!

    Reply
    • Joanna Sawatsky

      Hi SEB!
      I’m so glad you’re liking the series! I really am too.
      It’s wonderful the blog has helped you so much – it’s why we do what we do!

      Reply
  3. Emily Strobel

    This post is so wonderful! Honestly, I grew up in a manipulative, Gothard type home and it is taking years to unlearn these things that have been so ingrained in my head throughout my life. This post on submission is spot on. I learned, by myself, a few years ago that I was personally responsible for my walk with God. Not my husband. That may seem ridiculous to some, but growing up learning about that “umbrella” almost took the responsibility I have off myself and blamed my husband. I’m kind of rambling, but this post has been so timely.
    We’ve been married for almost 20 years and I’m thankful for a husband to share this journey of marriage. We’ve had a few rough patches, but we’ve been growing together as a couple in the Lord. I’m thankful for a husband that leads in a humble way.

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Oh, that’s wonderful, Emily! I remember that Gothard analogy. It actually makes no sense, too. If Jesus is protecting us from rain, and then the husband stands underneath and protects the wife, WHY IS THERE STILL RAIN IF JESUS IS PROTECTING US ALREADY? Like, the image is totally illogical. And yet, it was widely followed and preached, by a man who was never married, and who himself was a sexual abuser. So sad!

      Reply
  4. Brenda

    Hi Sheila,
    I really like your work on submission and marriage and was doing some research, trying to see what other possible translations there could be for the verses that supposedly tell wives to “submit” and ran across these works in regards to the translation of some of the verses: http://womanthegloryofman.com/pdfs/hypotasso-part-1.pdf
    http://womanthegloryofman.com/pdfs/hypotasso-part-2.pdf
    I don’t know if you’ve ever read these but I was wondering what your take on them would be. Thank you for helping women and for doing such edifying work! I’m a new reader but have already found much encouragement and inspiration.

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Brenda, thanks for that amazing resource! Those are great! Do you have any idea who wrote them? I agree, too, that Christ clearly taught that we have only one Master, and that there is only one leader, and that should always be Christ. Therefore, the verses in Ephesians simply cannot mean that we are to follow our husbands, since that would put our husbands in the place of Christ. We are, instead, to serve, which was Jesus’ emphasis anyway.

      Reply
      • Brenda

        Sheila, I’m sorry I didn’t include the link to the website but I found the original links that particular way then discovered if I just put in http://womanthegloryofman.com then I found where they came from. The only name I could find was Kristen Dugas, which is on the home page. Thanks for your reply!

        Reply
        • Sheila Wray Gregoire

          Thank you, Brenda! That’s very helpful!

          Reply
  5. Cilantro

    I’m an older woman. I was first married in the days we were taught that we had to let the husband have his way in everything. It was a disaster. I won’t share just how bad it was but it was very bad and had lasting ramifications for both us and our children. Later we got in a church that taught more accurately. I learned to speak up and that my views mattered too. He learned that I was given to him as a help and that sometimes that help came with abilities he didn’t have. We balanced each other out. We were ONE instead of being boss and boss-ee. Our marriage works now, the issues-severe ones -are in the rear view mirror. But we can never get those lost years back, and our adult children did pay the price. Folks, listen to the blog author. She’s right. Men, if you disagree, go back and study some more-and listen to the Holy Spirit. God gave you that woman for a reason, and that reason is not for someone to wipe your feet on!

    Reply
  6. Remy

    I don’t need to read all of this stuff what I do believe is these verses:
    Ephesians 5:21-33
    Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      We actually dealt with what these verses mean in this post and in the series. Why are you posting them? Do you assume we haven’t read them (when we actually talked about them)? Do you understand that there are different interpretations? Are you aware that in Greek the verb “submit” doesn’t even appear in verse 22, but its meaning is inferred from verse 21? Are you aware that there are no verbs in the command tense in the Greek given to women, but multiple ones given to men?

      Reply

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