We’re 3/4 done the 29 Days to Great Sex, a series I wrote leading up to the release of my book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex!
Now we’ve moved on to an area of contention: what do you do when one spouse is more adventurous in bed than the other? What do you do if one person wants to do things that the other isn’t so sure of? Yesterday we looked at how to negotiate things. Today I want to turn this into a more practical, smorgasbord-style post and look at different ways that you can become more adventurous in your marriage while still remaining comfortable.
Remember the guidelines we wrote out yesterday, though: no one should ever be pressured to do something they’re uncomfortable with or feel is sinful. It is never worth jeopardizing the safety of the marriage bed by pushing something on your spouse!
That being said, sometimes it’s not a matter of feeling that it’s wrong. More often, we hesitate because:
1. We’re a little scared of something new
2. We think we may not be able to do it right
3. We’re embarrassed
4. We’re afraid that if we try something new, our spouse will want it all the time!
5. We don’t think it’s sinful, and we don’t think it’s wrong, it’s just not our cup of tea
Today I am ONLY speaking to people in one of those categories. I am not speaking to anyone who is saying “no” based on moral reservations or being completely and utterly grossed out. If that describes you, then it is perfectly fine to say no. But again, reread my post from yesterday to make sure that you’re not saying something is morally wrong just because it isn’t “the missionary position”. Sometimes we’re too quick to label things as morally wrong (though, of course, some things definitely are).
All right, with that out of the way, here are some ideas to help you play games to become more adventurous, without violating your sense of decorum:
1. Give him “love coupons”
(Or give her love coupons, but I just feel more natural talking to women. If it’s the other way around in your marriage, just switch the pronouns). Sometimes the idea of having to be at someone’s mercy is actually rather enticing. If we have to do what they say, then it takes the hesitancy out of things. Sometimes we hesitate because we ask ourselves, “do I really want to do this? Is this too wild for me? Is this too weird?” And we get so caught up analyzing it we’re not able to make a decision.
Emailing your husband a coupon saying, “tonight you own me for an hour”, or “anything you want is yours tonight” can get around that hesitancy.
You can download some coupons here.
And if you’re going to do this, set up a safe word, like “uncle”, that you can say when you just feel like it’s too much. Yes, even if you give coupons, you still have a will and you still have autonomy and can say no. But you’re less likely to, and if you give him permission to do what he wants, it can actually be quite freeing for you.
2. Create “his” and “hers” nights
One woman who answered one of my surveys for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex explained how she and her husband handled this. Her husband tends to be more adventurous than she is. So one evening a week is for him, where they do things that he wants. One evening a week is for her, where they do things the way she wants–like starting with a long back massage and then being very gentle. And then the other evenings are just “normal”. This way each of them feels as if their needs are met, and they both go out of their way to make things fun for the other person on that person’s night, because they know it will be reciprocated!
3. Write Down Fantasies
4. Play the Match-the-Dice Game
Get two dice of different colours, and write on a sheet of paper what each dice means.
Red Dice – Actions
Choose six actions, like kiss, stroke, etc., and assign them to 1-6.
Blue Dice – Parts of the Body
Choose six body parts and assign them to 1-6.
Then you each take turns throwing the dice, and doing whatever combination comes up! You can make the game as adventurous or as tame as you want by varying the actions or body parts. Make sure you give enough time–like let’s say at least a minute–to each task, or else it’s kind of a cop out!
5. Create a Multi-Sensory Experience
We have five senses: sight, hearing, touching, tasting, and smelling. Write down each of the senses on a piece of paper and put them in a jar. Alternate nights, so that you’re each responsible for a different night. On your night, pick out three pieces of paper, and create a sexual experience that uses all three senses.
Often we really only use one–touch. We make love with the lights off, we don’t say much, and we don’t really even taste. So figure out way to engage the different senses! For sight, you can wear something pretty to bed. For taste, you can put on flavoured lip balm, or get some chocolate to feed to him, or whatever you’d like! For hearing, you can tell him a story. For smelling, you can put perfume somewhere and ask him to find it. Be creative!
Challenge yourself, though, to come up with different things for each sense when it’s your night, so that you’re always changing things up a little bit.
There you have it! Five ways to try new things and spice things up that are perhaps less intimidating than feeling like you have to always do one particular thing. Sometimes a man (or even a woman) will get fixated on one particular sexual thing they want to try. Like I said, it is okay to say no. But if you are regularly doing at least one of these ideas, and making love with relative frequency, you’ll likely find that this request becomes less and less important. Do things slightly differently, and your spouse will feel as if your sex life is really exciting! And that’s what you want–for both of you.
If you want some more ideas, never fear! I’ve published this series in expanded form as an ebook: 31 Days to Great Sex! And it has more ways to spice it up, as well as different and more expanded challenges.
Great Sex Challenge Day 21: Pick at least one idea and do it! If you’re going through this series as a couple, read them all and figure out which one you’d most like to try first, and go for it! If you’re uncomfortable by all of them, see if you can start with the dice game, and take away the options that you’re uncomfortable with and replace them with slightly tamer things. Sometimes just challenging ourselves to try something–anything–will help us see that sex can be fun, that it can be creative, that it can be a celebration we can share with each other.
Coming tomorrow: How to decide on frequency (another hugely contentious issue!)
New! This 29 Days to Great Sex series has been turned into an ebook, the 31 Days to Great Sex (only $4.99!)
It's expanded, it's written for couples (not just women), and it's easy to use! Ignite your marriage here.
Day 1: The Act of Marriage
Day 2: Starting Fresh
Day 3: Loving the Skin You’re In
Day 4: Pucker Up!
Day 5: Reawaken Desire
Day 6: Why Your Hubby Wants You!
Day 7: Moving in the Right Direction
Day 8: 14 Ways to Play as a Couple
Day 9: Prepare for Sex throughout the Day
Day 10:16 Ways to Flirt with Your Husband
Day 11: How to Find Your Hubby Attractive
Day 12: If you’re Having a Hard Time with these Challenges
Day 13: Getting Your Head in the Game
Day 14: What if You’re Not “In the Mood”?
Day 15: What is Foreplay?
Day 16: How to Orgasm
Day 17: The Pleasure Center
Day 18: Foreplay Can Be for Him, Too!
Day 19: How to Come Alive Again
Day 20: Deciding on Boundaries
Next: Day 22: How Often is Enough?
Day 23: Quickies are Great!
Day 24: Initiate, Baby! Day 25: Sex Once Kids Come
Day 26: Rebuilding Your Sex Life
Day 27: Experiencing Spiritual Intimacy when you Make Love
Day 28: Is Selfishness Robbing You of Intimacy?
Day 29: A Wrap Up and a Party
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