Adults need bedtimes, too. Seriously.
I have talked to thousands of couples over the last few years at marriage conferences and at events, and I keep hearing stories about how “we never talk”, or “we never do anything together”, or even, “our sex life is almost non-existent.” And when I start probing and asking questions, I often find a very similar story:
We don’t go to bed at the same time.
I would venture to say that in most homes today, after dinner is over various family members separate to their own screens–either the computer, or the TV, or the video game system. She may be on her iPad, and he’s playing video games. And eventually somebody gets tired and heads to bed, but the other person doesn’t join them for several hours.
And we wonder why we feel disconnected!
This week our new, revamped edition of my Boost Your Libido course launched, and I was looking at all the things that go into feeling a desire for sex. And for so many of us, some basic things disappear when we don’t go to bed at a decent hour, and we don’t go to bed together.
First, we get tired, and exhaustion is one of the biggest libido killers. Mental load certainly adds to exhaustion, but so does just plain sleep deprivation! For so many of us, talking and touching starts our libido going, but if we’re separate, that’s not going to happen.
I remember reading the Little House on the Prairie series of books with my kids, and one thing that always struck me was how early everyone got up. Pa was up before the sun to get the farm ready for the day. But the reason he was able to get up that early without an alarm was that he went to bed with the sun, too. Anthropologists estimate that most people, 150 years ago, got about 9 1/2 hours of sleep a night. Turning in at 8:30 or 9 was quite normal.
With the advent of electricity we started staying up later, because we could still be productive even after the sun went down. But I remember as a child that most people still went to bed either at 10:30 when the local TV news ended or at 11:15 after Johnny Carson’s monologue was over on The Tonight Show.
Just as electricity pushed bedtimes back, now computers have virtually eliminated them altogether.
Because of the internet and video games you can do the exact same thing at 1:30 in the morning as you can do at 8 in the evening. And it sucks us in.
But how are you going to keep a marriage alive if you scatter at night? How can you nurture your marriage if you never have down time just to talk? Keith and I spend a lot of time just chatting at night in bed–or even getting ready for bed. It’s an important bedtime ritual, to spend the last few moments of the day holding each other. And I’m not just talking about sex, either. Sure, it’s going to be harder to connect sexually if you’re not in bed at the same time. But it’s harder to connect AT ALL, too.
Are you TIRED of always being too tired for sex?
Do you yearn to actually WANT to make love--and figure out what all the fuss is about?
There is a way! In this 10-module recently revamped Boost Your Libido course I take you through what libido is (it may surprise you!), what affects libido, and how we can reclaim the excitement that God made us for.
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I get told by many women, “I go to bed at 11, and he follows around 1 or 2. And then he wakes me up because he wants sex.” That’s really difficult. (And also–if you tell him you don’t want him to do that, and he still does it, that’s a problem. If he has intercourse with you while you’re sleeping, that’s also sexual assault).
It used to be that EVERYONE had a bedtime–children did, but their parents did, too. If you needed 8 1/2 hours of sleep, and you had to get up at 6:30, then you went to bed at 10. It was quite simple, and quite civilized.
Let’s get back to adult bedtimes!
I know it’s not possible for everyone when shift work is involved, and I’m not talking about you here. I know that’s a difficult lifestyle, and my husband and I have lived it our whole married life, too.
Or perhaps your problem is snoring–your husband snores, so you have to get to sleep first. Or maybe you sleep in different rooms because of it.
But many people ARE home together at night and snoring isn’t involved and they STILL don’t go to bed together.
And let me tell you–people do not sleep well when they turn in right after being on the computer. Researchers say it’s best to have at least an hour of non-screen time before turning in. Read a book. Talk. Have a cup of tea. Relax together!
When parents are having a hard time getting children to go to sleep at night, what do experts suggest?
Setting up a routine so that the child knows what’s coming and has that transition time between daytime and nighttime, so they are able to wind down. Maybe the routine looks like this:
Child’s Bedtime Routine
- Kiss good night
What if we could do the same thing for our marriages?
What if setting up an adult bedtime routine could help you both adjust to going to bed at the same time?
After all, one of you is likely more of a morning person and one of you is likely more of an evening person, but a lot of that is also what we’ve trained our bodies to do. And both of you likely do have to get up in the morning at a specific time.
So let’s say that you have to get up at 6:30, and you want at least 7 1/2 hours of sleep. That means getting to sleep at 11:00. So you want to be off of screens by 10:00. So what if you could set up a routine that you did together that helped you sleep better, but also helped you spend time together and transition to bedtime together. Just spending that time together, and touching, and talking, is likely to help with your libido too!
So what could a bedtime routine look like?
Adult Bedtime Routine
Different things lead up to sleep. That’s what makes it a routine–one thing follows another which follows another, which makes you ready for bed.
Now, you don’t have to use the things that I’ve suggested. You may have other elements you’d add to a bedtime routine! That’s totally okay. But right now the only thing bringing some people to bed is that they fall asleep on the couch, and eventually wake up and move.
I’ve written before to women whose husbands played video games all night about how to build more relationship time. Instead of focusing on telling him to play fewer video games, what about focusing on what you want to do instead? If, instead, you said something like this: “how much sleep do you think we should get a night?”, and then say, “what’s a reasonable bedtime?” Then work backwards from there. Say, “I’d love to share a cup of herbal tea with you before we turn in every night,” or “I’d love to have a bath to unwind with you every night.” Then you’re giving him something you’d like to DO. And it’s far healthier to establish good sleeping habits when there’s a routine.
So talk to your husband about this! And if you’re on Facebook right now when you’re reading this and it’s after midnight, stop it. Get off. Get to bed. You need your sleep. He needs his sleep. You need your together time. Get a bedtime routine. Our ancestors did it, and maybe we can reclaim the power of an adult bedtime!
Let me know: What time do you go to bed? Do you have a regular bedtime? Let’s talk in the comments!
What's Killing Women's Libido? Series
- 15 Things that Kill Libido for Women
- A Tale of Three Brains and Libido
- How Brakes and Accelerators Influence Libido
- What are Responsive vs. Spontaneous Libidos?
- Adults need bedtimes too!
- PODCAST: Have we made sex a yes space for men?
- PODCAST: What's killing women's libido?
- Don't miss our sexual confidence series, too!
Our revamped Boost Your Libido course is Live!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire
Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
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