If we had had these Great Sex Guides before we got married, there would be no Great Sex Rescue.
No To Love, Honor and Vacuum blog. No Bare Marriage podcast.
Why? Because we wouldn’t have had years of pain that we had to untangle from, so I wouldn’t have started writing. In 2012, I wouldn’t have wanted to write the original Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex as the “anti” Act of Marriage, the opposite of the book that had scarred me so deeply before we got married.
I guess the lesson is that God uses our pain and redeems it, which is good.
But let me tell you–I believe that these books will PREVENT that pain in so many other couples!
Before I was married, I was excited about sex.
I didn’t have hang-ups. I was pretty well educated on sex and body parts and what was going to happen. But when I read The Act of Marriage, it was like a switch went off in my body and everything changed. Keith says he actually saw it at our wedding reception–the moment panic struck. And it was because, in that book, my agency was taken away. I was told that sex was now my duty, and I had to do it for Keith or he couldn’t feel loved.
And I felt so empty and scared.
After doing our survey of 20,000 women, I know that that set me on the road to vaginismus (which evangelical women suffer from at twice the rate of the general population), and set us up for years of hurt.
So I wrote the original Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, to help women relax.
To help women realize that sex was for them too! To help women feel like they were important.
But over the years, as we’ve surveyed 25,000 people and listened to thousands of comments, I knew it was time for a rewrite. So I begged Zondervan to let me. They didn’t pay me a cent. This was a huge part of my last year, and I didn’t get paid anything for it–and the old version was still selling well! But I wanted couples to start as well as possible.
And Keith and I wrote The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex from scratch–and I totally love that book!
These books need to become the go-to books at wedding showers!
They need to become the books we use in premarital counseling (and there are questions in the back of the books that couples can use premaritally too, as well as questions for couples who are already married).
Seriously–if all new couples got these books, instead of the others, we could make The Great Sex Rescue obsolete.
We could save couples the pain that I went through–and that you may have as well.
Sex is wonderful, but the way we’ve talked about it is not. We can change that.
The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex have all the sex ed couples need to know–how the reproductive system works, a huge glossary, how sex actually works, and, of course, the sexual response cycle!
But we don’t stop there. We also talk about how to grow your friendship and emotional connection in the bedroom, and how to feel intimate, like you’re one. We tackle porn use, dissociation, fantasy, and trauma, and how those can be dealt with. We tackle navigating libido differences without myths, but with research. And we even tackle mental load!
If you’ve never figured out the physical side of sex, these are awesome books to get you started in the right direction. And these make amazing gifts for any couple about to marry.
Today is launch day.
It would tickle me pink if we sold a bunch today and showed the publisher these are books worth investing in! And it would make me even happier to know that thousands of couples are getting the help they deserve.
The All New Guides to Great Sex!
Available now!
Imagine building a great sex life–from the ground up!
What would it look like to build a picture of sex that was MUTUAL, INTIMATE, and PLEASURABLE FOR BOTH–with no harmful messages?
Welcome to the The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex and the ALL NEW Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex.
Get them NOW!
And let’s make these the go-to wedding shower gifts!
Thanks for being with me on this journey. It’s been a long two years as we’ve written three books–with a fourth almost done (our mother-daughter book). But I love hearing the feedback from the launch team about how these books are helping already!
How bad was your pre-marital advice regarding sex? How can we do this better? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire
Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
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Before I married my ex in 1999, I was 23. The only premarital advice we got from our pastor was: Don’t have sex until marriage. In our pre-marriage class (8-week course) at church, not much was talked about when it came to sex. We were directed to read His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley which said that sex was a man’s greatest need of the top five needs. As for women’s needs, sex was not even listed.
Maybe, the obligation sex message had already been ingrained into my mind by that time. Throughout our 2.5 year marriage, my husband constantly reminded me that sex was his greatest need and if he didn’t get enough of it, he would look at porn or visit strip clubs. He even threatened to find himself a prostitute which I hope was just that, a threat. So, I felt a lot of responsibility to give him enough sex, whatever enough meant.
Now, that I’ve been divorced almost 20 years and came close to remarrying a few years ago, I am still hesitant to be in another relationship. I am thankful that I discovered The Great Sex Rescue and this blog almost a year ago. I have had the time to relearn about healthy sex and marriage advice which I thought was lacking in the Christian realm. So, if I ever decide to remarry, I will feel better prepared for this. Thank you for all you do!
Pre-marital advice for me was pretty non-existent! Our marriage course really skated over sex – I think the assumption was that ‘everyone’ is doing it before marriage, so you don’t need to know how it works!
I found one Christian website with ‘advice for brides and grooms’, and while it was good in that it emphasised sex should be pleasurable for both, I felt really uncomfortable with how prescriptive it was and how the wife was just meant to lie there like a log. (For the groom, there was a lot of ‘do this for 5 minutes, at this point she should be feeling x so you can then move on to doing y for 5 minutes, at which point she should be ready for z’. For the bride, it was just ‘sex should be good for both of you, it shouldn’t hurt so tell your husband if it does and don’t be afraid of what’s going to happen because he loves you’. So it could have been a lot worse, but could also have been a LOT better)
Fortunately, when I was starting to get really anxious about my ignorance, I found this website and TGGGTGS. Loved (and still love) the way you were able to give clear, detailed explanations of ‘how things work’ without descending into the cringy or the pornographic! And even though I found the old edition really helpful, I love the way you have been humble enough to ‘fix yourself’ by rewriting it.
My boyfriend and I discussed sex often and when I told him about these books he said that sex is suppose to be pleasurable for both people involved. Not only for the guy otherwise their is no point to have sex. He said he feels happy when I’m happy with sex as well. We have been discussing this topic since we have been in a long term committee relationship and saving sex for marriage. I’m glad we are able to openly communicate our views on this topic and now have books that we can read and resources to help us grow stronger together in this aspect of our relationship. Thank you to Keith and Sheila for the books!! And I’m excited to finally learn without feeling the obligation and wait of purity culture that I grew up in.
Congratulations on this big, momentous day.
I wish much blessing on this day and the sales of these books.
My copy came today! 😬
Yay! Hope you enjoy it!
These books would have changed our marriage, too. I can’t even think too much about it because it still hurts to think of all those years. Even though we are in an amazing place now, what we went through was SO unnecessary. And people made money by hurting us. That’s a lot to deal with.
The only sex ed I had before marriage was The Good Girl’s Guide, this blog, and a short talk from my premarital counselor. THAT WAS IT. A lot of it I learned after I was married (five months ago) but sex was still hard and my husband has commented it always seemed like something was holding me back. Through therapy and reading the Great Sex Rescue, it’s really opened my eyes to what I truly believe about sex and has opened great conversations between my husband and I. Our frequency has slowed down but sex is passionate when it happens, and I’m slowly gaining sexual confidence. My husband got the Good Guy’s Guide as a birthday gift and he can’t wait to read it. I’m v thankful for this blog and these books and I can’t wait to see how these will continue to play an instrumental role in our intimate life! Many blessings!
I’m so glad it helped you, Anon! That’s wonderful!
I still cannot convince my husband that my pleasure matters, so… I would give premarital sexual resources a 0/10, would not do again.