More podcasts dropped, a dust up on Facebook, and all about the birds and the bees!

It’s been a big week on social media and podcasts. Although, honestly, every Friday as I go to write these round-ups I realize it’s been a big week, and maybe I should just slow down a bit! I had a lovely chat with a mentor yesterday who was saying something similar and suggesting ways I can hand off some work, which I really appreciate.

But in the meantime…

The Frequency Debate moved on to Facebook

I wrote a post on Tuesday commenting on how once again Focus on the Family was insinuating that if you don’t have enough sex your husband may have an affair. But I also wanted to make a bigger point, which is that too often in Christian circles we use frequency as the measure of whether or not a sex life is good.

This spanned several posts and debates on Facebook (see here, here, and here), and culminated in this:

Frequency of Sex law

My issue is simply that. If we’re judging a sex life by how often they have sex (which is often the first question counselors ask), we’re prioritizing his experience and ignoring hers. After all, she could be feeling coerced; in emotional pain; or even just bored. She could have no pleasure at all. She could be in a “sexless marriage in disguise” as we talked about in chapter 10 of The Great Sex Rescue, where she gets nothing positive from sex, but she’s still technically having intercourse. 

We need to start judging the sex life by QUALITY and whether it is mutually satisfying. Because her needs have to matter too. 

The Theology in the Raw podcast dropped this week!

Rebecca and I joined Preston Sprinkle and the podcast just went live yesterday! We’re getting tons of positive feedback already. Sometimes it’s helpful to listen to OTHER PEOPLE’s podcasts with us, because we sum up the whole Great Sex Rescue, which we rarely do on our own podcasts. And you’ll hear more of our story!

Theology in the Raw

I love how Preston gave this podcast his “extra raw” rating! (I think I don’t realize how weird I really am). 

What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?

What if the messages that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these toxic teachings?

It's time for a Great Sex Rescue.

I caused quite a hubbub with my review of Married Sex!

I published it on Wednesday, and followed up with this culmination of the review:

Too many Christian marriage books demand far more of women than they do of men–while framing women as the cause of most of the problems, especially with sex.

Today I wrote a review of Married Sex by Gary Thomas and Debra Fileta on my blog, and here’s the summary: At the end of the book, Gary tells us that sex should feel like a sacrifice at least some of the time.

What should this look like? We should approach sex the way we do feeding babies in the middle of the night.

He then explains that women sacrifice by having more sex that they don’t want; while men sacrifice by having as much sex as they do want, but making sure that she enjoys it too, and making sure that he also talks to her and makes some effort around the house.

Where, exactly, is his sacrifice?

Since when is doing the bare minimum of being a decent human being considered a sacrifice?

That’s the big problem with Married Sex and other books like it. If men do the bare minimum, they’re lauded. But women? In Married Sex, we’re encouraged to sleep naked; cook naked; get aroused giving handjobs postpartum; send naked pictures; adore sex even when burdened by mental load. Ideally we should be sexually available always; never say no (and treat “no” like foreplay); understand that sex is what bolsters his ego.

I hope and pray the next book that is published about sex in the Christian publishing world takes the messages of our study of 20,000 women in The Great Sex Rescue to heart, rather than merely using catchphrases to cover their bases, while continuing to double down on the same harmful tropes that evangelicalism has been teaching for far too long.

To Love, Honor and Vacuum Page


A funny thing happened in my Instagram stories…

Last week my husband Keith had 199 Instagram followers. The only thing he posts is his bird pictures. That’s it. Only birds. And they’re good pictures, too!

So I posted about it in my Instagram stories…and he got so many new followers! But the best was the replies that I got from the post:

Keith Birds Instagram

And a number of people commented that if I wrote about bees, we’d have everything covered. You can follow Keith (@drbirdnerd) on Instagram! But there is seriously only birds. That’s it.

So that was my week! Pray for me write now, because I am about to spend my day doing two things: Recording next week’s podcast where Connor critiqued a big thing Emerson Eggerichs said about having sex when you don’t want to (I haven’t read it, so my reactions will be live), and then I have to read Every Young Man’s Battle for our research for our mother-daughter book. 

Ugh. #ratherbeknitting

Anyone have any thoughts on Every Young Man’s Battle? Anything I should look out for? Let me know in the comments! (or comment on something else too!)

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8

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