With thanks to Femallay, our sponsor for the sexual confidence series.
I hate hot flashes.
Even your hands sweat. The back of your neck gets clammy. You want to strip in public–which is generally not a good idea.
You start to forget things. I’m starting to make grammar mistakes and silly spelling mistakes–and I never do that. The other day I mixed up “your” and “you’re” on the blog. I haven’t gotten something like that wrong since I was 7.
Your sex drive can plummet, too. You start to feel foggy. It can be harder to focus, and harder to motivate yourself.
So perhaps it’s not surprising that I get a LOT of emails from women in their late 40s and 50s saying that they feel as if they should just accept it–life as it was is over, and this is the new me now.
And all too often, the new me does not involve sex.
The drive is gone. It’s not as fun. It’s a lot of work. And haven’t we earned the right, after all these years, to just focus on what we ACTUALLY want to do, instead of always having to focus on what our husbands want? Is that really too much to ask when the hormones are going all wacky and you’re tired anyway?
Okay, ladies. I get it. I do.
I’m in the throes of it, too.
But let me tell you something: Menopause does not have to be awful.
And since it’s our sexual confidence series right now, I thought we could talk about some of the good stuff about menopause–and how it can even make sex better, too!
1. Menopause means you can be spontaneous
You have no more periods (or at least lighter and far more infrequent ones). Think about that for a moment. No. More. Periods.
No more having to look at a calendar to figure out if you really want to go away that weekend. No more wondering if a trip to the beach will be a bad idea that day. No more having to be afraid you’ve leaked, you’ve forgotten a tampon, or you just plain feel icky.
And your calendar is likely not quite as hectic, either. You don’t have to get up at the crack of dawn with little kids. You can sleep in more on weekends–and even engage in morning sex! You don’t have to worry about kids climbing into bed with you in the middle of the night. Even if you have teens or young adults still living at home, they’re more likely to be independent, and you’re more likely to have more uninterrupted time together.
You can take baths and showers together. You can snuggle in in the mornings. You can eat breakfast in your bathrobes. You can start being more sensual again, and more spontaenous, simply because more of your time is honestly your own!
2. Menopause means you’re likely at a mature stage in your relationship
In our early years we’re often focused on other people’s satisfaction and happiness: especially our husbands and our kids. With menopause often comes a stage of life where kids don’t need us in the same way anymore, and our relationship with our husbands has often gotten “into the groove” (or at least a good pattern).
Chances are you can trust your husband. You’ve worked out a lot of your problems. And that means that sex has a lot less emotional weight to it than it may have had at the beginning of the marriage when you were still figuring out libido differences or preferences or even getting over disappointments or betrayals.
(And if those things haven’t been accomplished–then menopause may give you the extra push to do something about it! You realize that life is accelerating, and if you don’t deal with something now, then this is likely as good as it’s ever going to get. So menopause helps us re-evaluate and decide to work on the things that may still be holding us back).
Now you can rest assured that sex is the full expression of everything you are together. You can relax more. And relaxing means that you can be more yourself! You can actually be more passionate, because you’re able to let your guard down and be more vulnerable.
That doesn’t mean that you have to get “freaky” or try every weird thing under the sun. Simply that you can relax in everything your relationship is and let that play out in the bedroom in a much easier way. Sex isn’t just about excitement (though it is still about that). It’s also about connection, closeness, even your history together.
3. Menopause brings fun opportunities
Let’s be real: Menopause does mean that your body goes through changes that impact libido and arousal. As women become more mature, it often takes more time to become fully aroused sexually. Estrogen changes mean that there’s less blood flow to the genitalia, which impacts arousal and lubrication. We can start to experience “arousal nonconcordance”, where our brains are totally into it and we’re ready to have fun, but then there’s almost no lubrication. And because there’s less blood flow, the vagina can actually atrophy or get quite dry, which can lower elasticity and make intercourse more painful. So your brain wants to have sex, but your body just isn’t responding like it should.
Don’t interpret this as a failure. You aren’t less sexual. You just may benefit from a little help!
That’s why I love Femallay’s vaginal melts! They’re vaginal suppositories, available in a wide range of flavours and scents, that help re-moisturize the vaginal area and improve elasticity. Plus they make sex a lot more comfortable and fun!
What do Femallay’s Vaginal Melts Do?
- Relieve vaginal dryness
- Promote vaginal moisture and lubrication
- Smooth vulva care and massage
- Helps increase sensitivity
- Improves skin elasticity, softness, and suppleness
- Reduce irritation, itchiness, and redness from dry, thinning skin
Check them out and have some fun!
4. Menopause encourages you to savor the moment and slow down during sex
For many women, menopause also means that orgasm can take longer and be more elusive. Please rest assured–there is nothing medical that says that you are unable to orgasm after menopause. It just may be that you have to get connected to your body in a new way. Before it may have been that orgasm was relatively easy if you found the position that you liked, or if you just got in the right frame of mind. Maybe now you’re doing all the same things, but your body just isn’t responding as quickly–or at all.
As we talked about in our Orgasm Course, women who had a relatively easy time reaching orgasm before menopause often have more problems after menopause than women who had major problems beforehand. If it was super difficult beforehand, and you had to learn how to listen to your body and how to get aroused, then many women don’t notice much of a difference with menopause (except that it may take longer). But if orgasm was more automatic for you, then menopause may bring more challenges, and you have to go back to basics.
But you can! Menopause is the time to learn that not everything has to be a race–not at work; not getting the kids in the car; not in the bedroom. You can just be present, enjoy what you are feeling without making it too goal oriented, and learn how to listen to your body in a whole new way.
Many women find they finally learn about their bodies at menopause because beforehand everything was kind of automatic. Now they start paying attention, and it gets a whole lot more satisfying.
Slow and steady doesn’t have to be a bad thing or a boring thing. It can be a luxurious thing!
But perhaps the biggest one is this one:
5. You’re more confident in who you are–and this can show up in the bedroom.
It’s like there’s a moment when you hit menopause when you realize, “I’ve been trying to impress everyone else my whole life, and it’s time I just concentrated on who I am and who I want to be!”
Menopause may be the time that many women stop trying to please others, and dig deep inside themselves to see who they were meant to be.
This is a great time to try new things.
- Eliza Hamilton, wife of the now famous Alexander Hamilton, didn’t start her Orphan Asylum until she was 49–and she continued working there until her death at 94. Before then she had dedicated her life to her husband and her kids, and she wanted to give back.
- My aunt, an anaesthetist, started flying around the world three times a year to do medical missions trips, beginning when she was 53. She continued until she retired at 70, visiting The Philippines, Nepal, Rwanda, and others.
- Laura Ingalls Wilder didn’t write her books until she was 64.
- Susan Boyle appeared on Britain’s Got Talent when she was 48.
- Margaret Thatcher was elected Prime Minister when she was 54.
- Martha Stewart started her magazine at 49.
- Corrie ten Boom was arrested by the Nazis for hiding Jews when she was 52; her speaking and writing ministry followed after the war, and lasted until she died at age 91.
Menopause does not mean your life is over. Menopause means your new life may just be beginning.
I know this is such a difficult time for many women. Night sweats can mean you never get a good night’s sleep. You can be cranky. Irritable. And really frustrated that you don’t feel at home in your body anymore.
But may I suggest something?
Please don’t settle for the good years being behind you.
You can embrace sexual confidence because you’re more willing to speak up about what you need. You start to realize that if you don’t get this right now, you’re never going to get it right! So you can start telling yourself, “Sex was created for me, too, and I’m going to make sure that I get all the benefits of sex myself!” You stop thinking of sex as something that’s for your husband, and you start realizing, “I need to make sure this is for both of us!”
For many women, menopause is their real sexual awakening, because they realize that they never prioritized their own pleasure before, but only had sex out of obligation or fear or guilt. Now they want to have sex because they want to enjoy it and figure out who they really are. They start taking more (which isn’t always a bad thing in the bedroom!). And they feel truly alive.
Yes, these years can be tricky. But most women do not experience menopause as a time when sex ends or when life goes downhill. For many, this is just the beginning of figuring out who they really are. And that can be awfully exciting–when a woman finally awakes.
What do you think? Has menopause been tough for you? Is there something you’re worried about? Or, if you’ve been through menopause, has it been liberating? Let’s talk in the comments!
Other Posts in the Sexual Confidence Series:
- 3 Markers of Sexual Confidence (especially in women)
- 4 Markers of a Sexually Confident Man
- Knowing that Sex is for You Too
- How to Feel Confident when You're Married to a Porn User
- Did You Grow up Embarrassed to Be Female?
- 5 Keys to Sexual Confidence after Menopause
- 4 Keys to Sexual Confidence as the Higher Drive Wife
- Sexual Confidence Doesn't Mean You're Willing to Try Anything in Bed
- Do you need to get angry at what purity culture stole from you?
- What We Didn't Know about the Clitoris
- Telling Women You Matter is Not Swinging the Pendulum Too Far (our wrap-up)
You may also enjoy:
- The Orgasm Course
- The Great Sex Rescue
Sheila Wray Gregoire
Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
So...have you ever heard the term "sexual response cycle"? Basically what it means is that our...
How do you know when you've done enough foreplay? We're starting a new series on the blog right...
Once again, Focus on the Family is promoting an article that places the blame on you if your...
It's the last Bare Marriage podcast of 2021! And thank you for joining us this year! Today on the...
Vaginismus was a big part of the early story of my marriage. We were greeted on our wedding night...
Did you know that it's only recently that medical textbooks have started getting the clitoris...
God does not ask us to consent to selfish sex. In fact, one-sided intercourse is not sex. I can...
Can we please change the way we talk about women not wanting to have sex? I've seen a few videos...