The Bible does not tell women that they can’t refuse sex if their husbands want it. 

This week, The Transformed Wife put up a video disputing what I’ve been saying about sex. I’ve been stressing that biblical sex is MUTUAL, INTIMATE, and PLEASURABLE, and that means that women’s needs matter. Women are not required to provide men with one-sided intercourse on demand. 

She was objecting in particular to this graphic that I created:

Fixed it for you Wheat - To The Transformed Wife: Obligation Sex Isn't Biblical.

(I have more of those on my Instagram account, or I posted some on this post!)

For those of you who don’t know Lori Alexander, aka The Transformed Wife, she writes a blog and runs social media channels where she spreads messages about women that are, quite frankly, misogynistic. You can check out her Facebook Page if you want to to find the video, but i don’t recommend reading the comments (they’re very disturbing).

Lori and her husband Ken used to comment on this blog quite frequently years ago until I finally banned them when Ken was defending spanking an 8-month-old baby with a plumbing line. Again, it was very disturbing.

I usually ignore it when she writes about me (she has before), but this one just made me sad, and so I wrote a few posts on my Facebook Page for her fans who may be trying to check me out, telling them that they were precious to Jesus, and that Jesus didn’t want them to be used.

And then yesterday, I created a Facebook Live trying to explain a biblical vision of sex, where BOTH people need to matter. I tried to explain that sex isn’t just about a man’s need, but instead is deep intimacy. I tried to tell the women that God does not love their husbands more than He loves them, and that God is not happy when they suffer.

A number of people asked me to put the video somewhere other than Facebook, because they have friends who need to see it who aren’t on Facebook.

It’s hard to download Facebook videos, so I did a little cheat which makes it not amazing quality. Plus the sound isn’t synced for the first 30 seconds (then it gets good).But this is an important message, and I said it clearly, and I hope women who are in communities where they are told that their husbands are allowed to use their bodies that this is not of Jesus.

As Leslie Vernick says, you are a woman to love, not a body to use.


Katie didn’t edit this video and make it pretty; it’s pretty much just my Facebook Live. But it’s heartfelt, and I hope and pray that the people who need to hear it will listen.

CORRECTION: I said in the video that she had blocked me on Facebook; actually I wasn’t blocked. I assumed I was; Lori blocked me on Twitter ages ago. Once I realized I was not blocked, I did go over to her page and share the link to this video. Just wanted to set the record straight.

The Great Sex Rescue

Changing the conversation about sex & marriage in the evangelical church.

Great Sex Rescue Cover - To The Transformed Wife: Obligation Sex Isn't Biblical.

What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?

What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?

Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue.

Have you ever been in a “Christian” community where you were told you had to provide sex on demand? Or are you there now? How does that make you feel about sex and marriage? Let’s talk in the comments!

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Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8

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