Our first draft of The Great Sex Rescue was almost 80,000 words.
We had to cut a lot to get it down to 65,000.
So we started with cutting big chunks (which is often easier than cutting a sentence here or there.) And one chapter that we removed was sex as transaction. Our obligation sex message originally had three chapters: Sex as transactional; sex as obligation; sex as coercion. They’re all on the spectrum of the same message–you need to give your husband sex when he wants it.
The problem was that the transactional section was the least well defended in terms of quotes from our bestsellers. We had tons of quotes about women being obligated to have sex; tons of quotes about marital rape (unfortunately). But making the case that sex for men and talking for women are equivalent, and that if you want him to talk to you, you need to give him sex? That was a little more nebulous. It was everywhere in the books, and yet it was hard to find a one or two sentence quote that said just that.
So we ended up taking the part of the chapter that was about using sex to reward him–he does the dishes and you have sex with him–and got that down to a page and a half, and kept it in.
Fathom Mag recently asked us if we had left anything on the cutting room floor after writing The Great Sex Rescue–if there was anything we wanted to say that didn’t make it in.
And we thought of that chapter that got cut, and we decided we’d love to do something with it. So we took the idea, edited it here and there, added some more quotes we’ve since found, and sent it in.
Here, for instance, are some anecdotes that didn’t make it into the book:
But couples aren’t free from this message when they leave the Christian book store. This idea that women need to be cajoled into sex permeates the wider evangelical culture. Pastor Ted Cunningham, in a video produced by Focus on the Family, advised men that doing housework will get her in the mood for sex. In fact, it’s so likely to get her in the mood that they don’t even have to actually do the housework! Cunningham says, “I have found that the sound of the dishwasher turns my wife on. And the secret is: you don’t even need dishes in it. Just get the dishwasher on; spray some 409 around the house.”
Perhaps most blatant of all, pastor and comedian Mark Gungor, in his highly popular A Tale of Two Brains event, explains, “Now, at some fundamental level, this is every man’s basic interest in a woman.” He draws an arrow toward a smiley face representing her vulva, pauses for laughter, and then continues. “Women say, ‘Well that’s terrible . . . It should be about companionship and fellowship and sharing.’” He continues, “Girls, if your husband was interested in companionship, fellowship, and sharing, he’d have gotten a golden retriever.”
Then Gungor, in this curriculum that is widely used in the US military, goes on to explain, “The reason [his sex drive] keeps coming back is to motivate him to be nice to the girl . . . be nice to the girl . . . be nice to the girl.” He finishes with a flourish, “And I gotta tell you girls, if it weren’t for [sex], we probably wouldn’t really deal with y’all.”
We’re so grateful to them for running our piece in this issue. Can you help us out and give them some traffic and read the whole thing?
And look around a bit while you’re there! There’s an article by Beth Alison Barr in that issue on how Christian Patriarchy is Just Patriarchy. There’s an article about deconstructing–what if you start doubting some of what you believe, but you still cling to Jesus and Scriptures? I know so many of you are going through that–you’re questioning what you’ve heard about gender roles or power or parenting or more. There’s an article on How to Fight Racism. Just click on “Next Story” at the bottom of each article and you’ll get sent to many different great articles to keep you chewing on stuff all day.
One more quote from our article:
The Great Sex Rescue
Changing the conversation about sex & marriage in the evangelical church.
What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?
What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?
Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue.
We’d love to get in even more Christian publications, or be on even more podcasts! If you have a lead of someone who may want to interview us or write about our book, let us know in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire
Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
When we follow Jesus, Jesus' teachings don't harm us. That is a foundational principle of the...
What happens if you want to have a great sex life and you want to embrace sex with freedom and...
How do you get beyond "obligation sex" or "duty sex" to find the freedom of embracing sex because...
Sometimes, the way we talk about the purpose of sex makes it clear that we don't understand the...
Sex and friendship in marriage can be a lot like the chicken and the egg. Do you have sex to build...