Please hear me: If you have trouble reaching orgasm, you’re not broken!
On today’s podcast I’m being pretty darn passionate about this–you are not broken if orgasm is difficult.
Do not give up hope! I talked about this on Monday, but I wanted to elaborate today and share my heart on this, and then talk about some of the cool research we’ve found as we’ve been creating The Orgasm Course (launching October 26! Be sure you’re signed up to the email list so you get the launch special!).
I didn’t do a YouTube version this week because Katie, who edits the video, is busy editing all our videos for The Orgasm Course. So we wanted to keep it simple!
(And remember–you can subscribe to the audio on iTunes, Stitcher, Google Play, or wherever you listen to podcasts!).
In today’s podcast:
I went over WHY orgasm can be difficult for women, and why that may actually mean that your body and brain are working just the way they’re supposed to
I talked about how it can feel to a woman if sex is always about him, for years on end, and she never experiences pleasure (and why we should care about women’s orgasms!).
Rebecca joined me to discuss some of the things she learned that contributed to women’s orgasm rates.
We discussed a number of things, including how differently secular men’s websites talk about women’s orgasms and Christian resources talk about women’s orgasms. In secular resources, men are told: “Real men care about their partners experiencing pleasure. Only boys care about getting pleasure without giving.” They’re told that they need to man up and make her feel good. They’re told that it’s pathetic to not try to make her feel pleasure.
Yet in Christian resources, that isn’t the emphasis. Instead, women are told that they have to encourage men that they are good lovers–whether or not they are actually enjoying themselves. In Christian resources, men’s egos often matter more than women’s pleasure. This is really a problem.
Then we discussed two of the interesting things that increased women’s orgasm rates:
- Kissing during sex
- Being able to tell your husband what feels good (and what doesn’t) and stop him when something isn’t feeling good
We think this is because intimacy matters, but also, again, that unless we can communicate, sex won’t feel good. But when women are told that their job is to make him feel really good about sex, then how are women supposed to feel free to speak up? We really need to change our messages around sex, because women’s experience does matter. And there are ways that you can speak up without him feeling terrible!
Then Connor and Rebecca talked about the difference between “our sexual needs” and “her needs” and “his needs”.
In marriage, we’re one flesh. That means that one person’s needs are really the marriage’s needs. We’re a unit now!
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Timeline for the Podcast:
0:30 Our ‘How to Have an Orgasm Course’ is coming soon!
1:12 Do you sometimes feel like you’re broken?
3:45 Why I Speak About Sex
6:30 Unpackaging Women’s Sexuality
12:05 Acknowledging how Body/Relationship/Identity/Trauma issues affect our sex lives
14:30 Your Brain and Body are trying to PROTECT you!
19:10 An analogy to help men understand what the ‘one-sided’ sex experience is like for women
22:50 Rebecca shares some entertaining research on orgasms!
33:55 Rebecca and Connor talk: “Do People have Sexual Needs, or do Relationships have Sexual Needs?”
Things Mentioned in this Podcast:
The Orgasm Series:
- You Are Not Broken if Orgasm is Elusive
- The Orgasm Podcast
- 5 Things that Make it More Likely that She Will Reach Orgasm
- What Sex is Like for Women Who Don't Orgasm
- How Do I Not Feel Self-Conscious about what it Takes to Reach Orgasm?
- 10 Things Husbands Who Are Great Lovers Do
- Figuring out What's Holding You Back from Orgasm (October 20)
- The Orgasm Course Launch (October 26)
- Start Your Engines Podcast: When your wife has difficulty with orgasm (October 29)
And don't forget to check out:
Sheila Wray Gregoire
Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
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