What can husbands do to help their wives reach orgasm?

It’s the last Thursday of the month, which means it’s time for one of our Start Your Engines podcasts, where we talk more to the guys. And today Keith and I are talking about the beliefs & attitudes that men can show that can help their wives reach orgasm–and can help men become their wives’ heroes!

Our biggest theme running through today’s podcast: You need BOTH the mind and body engaged for sex to be awesome.

First, listen in!

This week we’re launching The Orgasm Course on the blog.

It’s the one big product I’ve been wanting to make for years–but I never wanted to do it unless I could do it well, because this really matters. So this year, because of COVID, we had more time on our hands, and we threw ourselves into the research.

So on today’s podcast I quizzed Keith on two key questions that we deal with in the men’s component of the course:

What’s the #1 belief that makes orgasm difficult for women?

Keith nailed this one–likely because it’s the focus for his post that’s coming tomorrow, and it’s something he’s been thinking about a lot.

We think of sex primarily in terms of men’s experience, not women’s experience. And so we think it’s more for the guys.

What’s the #1 attitude that makes orgasm difficult for women?

It’s feeling as if she’s taking too long! Like she’s a chore. LIke this is too much work.

So guys–no puppy dog eyes, no looking sad or frustrated, no looking like you’re in a hurry!

Then we turned to two reader questions:

I can’t get into sex since finding out my husband uses porn


My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years and are in our mid twenties. Right before the wedding I found porn on his phone. Long story short he said he would fix the problem however, I found it again a few months later. The whole time this was going on he claimed he completely stopped and just lied the whole time. We have been working on transparency and things like that and it’s helped. Before the porn discovery I was super into him and very much physically attracted. After the porn discovery and being lied to about it my sex drive is just not great. I felt insecure and betrayed and didn’t really want anything to do with him. Here’s my question, how do I become attracted to my husband and find my sex drive again? I want to have a great sex life and be interested in him again I just can’t seem to overcome the problems in my head.

Such a common one! When women feel as if sex is no longer intimate, or as if they have to have sex to keep their husband from lust, libido & orgasm tank.

My wife says she doesn’t enjoy orgasm.


Hey Sheila, love your podcasts, youtubes, and books. We been married for almost 40 years and sex has never been great for my wife. I’ve come to terms with it then become frustrated and the cycle continues. Yesterday we had a heart to heart about why she does not enjoy sex. She says that her orgasms don’t feel good to her. I have no answer for that. She can have them as quickly as 3 minutes or take as long as 30 minutes. I rarely can bring her to orgasm by hand. She needs a toy to hep her. My question is why would an orgasm not feel good? She just does not know why either. Can you help.

This sounds to me like arousal non-concordance

We have two components to arousal and great sex: mental desire and physical arousal. It’s possible to have physical arousal and no desire–and vice versa. 

For instance, as we talked about in our podcast, when our daughters were swim instructors, they were constantly having to take the little girls away from the jets, because the girls often would open their legs and put the jets on their vulvas because it felt good. It wasn’t sexy–it simply felt good.

It’s possible for you to force a physical feeling without the mental component, which can often happen with intense stimulation like vibrators, or with stimulation in intense conditions (which is why sexual assault survivors often feel physical arousal. Doesn’t mean they wanted it; but their bodies responded. They were still assaulted!).

I think that’s what was going on with a few of our commenters in the last few weeks, too, who said that they could reach orgasm, but didn’t really enjoy it, because they needed a vibrator or intense stimulation, and often their husband just got in the way.

What needs to happen here is that we awaken the mental component–real desire. 

That’s why in our Orgasm Course the physical stuff only starts in Module 4 of 5–the first 3 are all about the mental component! Going back to first principles would help here.

The Orgasm Course is Here to Help You Experience Real Passion!

Figure out what's holding you back. Open the floodgates to orgasm.

Things Mentioned in this Podcast

I hope that helps! And we are proud especially of the men’s units in the Orgasm Course. When we can all get the same vision for how amazing sex is supposed to be–mutual, pleasurable, and intimate–then marriage soars!

What do you think? Do the #1 attitude and #1 belief that kill orgasm for women impact you? Have you ever heard of arousal non-concordance? Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8

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