What Does It Mean to Be Attracted to Your Husband?

by | Sep 28, 2020 | Libido, Uncategorized | 50 comments

What does it mean to be attracted to your husband?

What does it mean to be “attracted to your husband”? What does that actually feel like and look like?

I’ve been talking about libido all month on the blog, and one of the problems when we’re talking about libido is trying to understand what we even mean by being attracted to someone and wanting to have sex.

So here’s an interesting question I talked about 4 years ago on the blog, and I’d like to re-run it because I think it’s a great discussion topic!

A reader asks:

My husband and I have been married almost 5 years. We’ve never had a great sex life, but in the last year or so it’s gotten a lot worse.

A combination of my husband suddenly having 14+ hour days, me feeling very lonely and isolated, me initiating sex occasionally but often feeling rejected, me feeling too fat and unattractive (both because of my own insecurities and hurtful words coming from my husband)….there are definitely a lot of issues at play, and we are planning to start counselling soon to address some of them. My husband has recently told me that it is difficult for him that I do not “lust” after him. I’ve never been one to be physically attracted to guys, and never really had a movie star crush.

I do really enjoy having sex with him, and love feeling so connected, and it’s not at all that I have low libido…..but he feels I don’t want him in the same way we see some wives around us wanting their husbands and being specifically physically attracted to him. Is my lack of attraction to my husband something that we can work on and make better, or is this something we just have to accept and move past? I don’t want him to feel hurt and unattractive, but I also don’t know how I go about changing this.

I’m so glad that someone wrote with this question, because so often couples just don’t understand this about each other, and it leads to all kinds of totally unnecessary hurt.

I know she raises several issues in her email, but I’d like to deal with this question of why doesn’t she feel more visually attracted to him?

Here’s the problem with different libidos and misunderstandings

 (and I’m going to talk in generalities here, so if you don’t fit in this, that’s totally okay. Not everybody will! But these are some of the most frequent problems I see):

  • Men tend to be more visually stimulated. They see a woman, and they want to make love. So when they see their wife, they immediately get turned on. (Research is now emerging saying that this can’t actually be shown, and may largely be cultural, not biological. But in general, this seems to be how it works).
  • Many women, on the other hand, don’t get turned on in the same way. In fact, women aren’t usually aroused BEFORE we’re making love. We tend to get aroused AFTER we start.

TV shows and movies, though, often portray women with the same kind of sex drive: we see a guy, we start panting, and we want to make love.

As I explained in the very first module of my Boost Your Libido course, we often don’t understand that libido can look different for different people, because it’s always portrayed the same way in shows: You pant, you kiss, you take your clothes off, you end up in bed.

So that’s libido, right? Pant-Kiss-Clothes-Bed.

So if  you’re at home, and you’re not panting, you figure you don’t have a libido. You must not be attracted to your husband.

But many women are able to get aroused and into sex once they start. They don’t feel the same desire beforehand, but once arousal kicks in, so does desire.

For many of us, instead of being Pant-Kiss-Clothes-Bed, it’s Bed-Clothes-Kiss-Pant. And that’s okay! It doesn’t mean you don’t want your husband. It just means your libido works differently.

One is more spontaneous, and one is more responsive. But they both get you to the same place.  

Is this a lightbulb moment for you, when you realize you’ve been seeing attraction and libido all wrong?

I hope so! And I hope I can give you encouragement that you CAN boost your libido–it just may not look like the movies.
In this 10-module video course, I walk you step-by-step through understanding what libido is, identifying your roadblocks to libido, and figuring out how to turn yourself ON again! And we look at how the brain, body, and emotions all contribute to our desire (or lack of it). It’s super fun, and right from the beginning you’ll experience HOPE that you really can anticipate and yearn for sex in your marriage!

Let’s get back to that assumption that we should be weak-kneed and turned on when we see our spouse, though.

To a certain extent, that does often happen at the beginning of a relationship, even for those of us who do have more responsive libidos. Those “infatuation” feelings, when you get the electrical surge if he touches you, are quite common. Scientific studies, though, have found that these feelings only last about 18 months. Then they’re gone, and you’re left with a more mature love–and just as much ability to enjoy sex.

This woman says that she does enjoy sex but she’s never really gone weak-kneed over seeing a guy. Again, very common.

Back in the 1990s when I was writing my thesis about the portrayal of women in advertising, I started looking at some of the studies about arousal and media. And what I found was that women tended to get more aroused looking at pictures of women rather than men–even though they weren’t lesbian at all. I don’t mean to be gross here, and forgive me if this veers on inappropriate, but here’s what the researchers concluded: when women look at images, they don’t “lust” after the image as much as they picture themselves as the image (that’s why women in ads are often portrayed looking away rather than directly at the camera; it’s easier for women to picture themselves AS that woman).

What can arouse many women, then, is the idea of being wanted, not the wanting itself.

TV shows and movies bear this out, too. As I talk about in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, the scenes that women find most erotic are often not the “down and dirty” ones, but instead even passionate kissing where there’s been a major lead-up of sexual tension. Matthew and Mary from Downtown Abbey; Bones and Booth from Bones; Jim and Pam on The Office; even Elizabeth and Darcy in Pride & Prejudice. It’s not about graphic depictions of sex as much as it is the passion that the couple feels towards each other.

God made sex to be AWESOME!

It’s supposed to be great physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Feel like something’s missing?

That’s why the scene in the original Pride & Prejudice (the best version, of course) when Colin Firth dives into the lake is often talked about as so “hot”. It’s not that he looks particularly good; it’s that the viewer knows that he is just tortured by his thoughts of Elizabeth and he’s trying to rid his head of them. It’s how much he wants her that becomes so attractive to the viewer.

For many women, that’s the key to desire: Feeling as if we are desired. 

And we’re aroused by the thought that a guy is passionately carried away by us.

Now, again, I’m not trying to say that a woman can’t get aroused by seeing a good-looking man or that she won’t enjoy looking at her husband. Just over 20% of women in our survey of 20,000 reported having the higher libido, and many talked about how visually stimulated they were, too. I know I’m speaking in generalities; forgive me for that, but the generalities happen to fit this letter writer. She has a high libido by her own account. But she doesn’t “lust” after her husband in the way that they think other women do. 

But let’s take a step back: Why do we think OTHER women “lust” after their husbands like this?

He’s saying that he feels really hurt because his wife doesn’t act like “other” women, and it’s causing him to reject her. But how does he know what “other” women feel?

Look–the media portrays women’s sex drives as if they’re just like men’s. And quite often, that’s not true (and in many cases, men’s sex drives aren’t as strong as the media portrays, either). Libido exists on a spectrum. It isn’t that “everybody is like X”, or even that “all men are like X” and “all women are like Y”.

Since we don’t tend to talk about this stuff with friends in detail, so we tend to believe the media’s depiction of men’s and women’s approaches to sex.

Stop.

The media lies.

It doesn’t matter what the media shows; what matters is whether you two love each other and have fun together. If that’s true, then does it really matter if it’s not exactly like the movies?

Don't let the media determine how you see your husband. Your relationship matters!

Just because a woman doesn’t “lust” after her husband does not mean that she doesn’t want him.

You want to make love to him because:

  • You enjoy making love.
  • You enjoy feeling close to him.
  • You want to relax.
  • You want to have fun.

Those are all good reasons!

So hear me, women: Just because you don’t look at your husband and go weak-kneed does not mean that you aren’t attracted to him.

And guys: Just because your wife doesn’t jump you every time you take off your clothes does not mean you don’t turn her on.

Just understand each other, have a lot of fun together, and work at making sex feel great!

Most of all: don’t let the media tell you what your relationship should be like.

As soon as we start comparing our marriage to what we think other people do, we’ll tend to fall short. If you’re enjoying each other, then what difference does it make what other people are doing?

I know this letter writer had other issues–rejection from her husband; insults from her husband about her looks; stress and exhaustion. Those are important, too, but I’ve written about them before. Today I thought I’d just focus on that one issue, and I hope that perhaps I’ve said something that may help you feel reassured about your feelings towards your husband, too!

So tell me this: do you think the media portrays women’s sex drives wrong? What do you think it feels like, years into marriage, to be “attracted” to your spouse? Let’s talk in the comments!

If you and your husband are having a lot of these misunderstandings about sex and libido, my Boost Your Libido ecourse can give you hope–and practical tools–to WANT your husband again!

Check it out here.

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of Bare Marriage

Sheila is determined to help Christians find biblical, healthy, evidence-based help for their marriages. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8

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Sheila Wray Gregoire

Author at Bare Marriage

Sheila is determined to help Christians find biblical, healthy, evidence-based help for their marriages. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8

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50 Comments

  1. Laurel B

    Well said! I’m very grateful that I learned about responsive arousal from your books. Otherwise it might have made me a little worried when we’d been married for a while and I stopped getting all turned on just thinking about sex like I did soon after we married! I still have a high libido but I just have to wait for my husband to “wake it up.”
    And yes. The most sexy thing is him showing/telling how much he wants me & how desirable I am to him. That turns me on like nothing else!
    Thanks, Sheila!

    Reply
    • Meghan

      Same! I stumbled upon Sheila’s book in Mardel while looking for books to read during my engagement and got it because it sounded like a fun read with good info.
      I used to have a really high drive but childbirth and breastfeeding seem to have fundamentally altered my hormone balance and now I’m more average compared to other women. But hey, they’re in the normal range now instead of having too high testosterone and androgen so I’ll take that trade-off.

      Reply
  2. Erin

    About the TV/movie thing…I’ve told my husband this for years. It’s not real sex. There isn’t time for real sex to be portrayed in a TV show or movie. They have to hurry things up and move on to the next scene so viewers don’t get bored and so there’s time for the rest of the story. I definitely think this affects marital expectations for men. Because for them, going that fast would be perfectly acceptable. Then when wives ask for things to slow down, it can be hard for them to accept that.
    I don’t know where this guy is getting his expectations of how his wife should be responding to him, but it doesn’t seem to be from real life.

    Reply
    • LP

      I thought that movie attraction didn’t exist too, until I had it (with a partner I didn’t end up marrying).

      Reply
  3. Chris

    “So that’s libido, right? Pant-Kiss-Clothes-Bed.”
    Sheila, this is the same line you used when you were on the Mike Huckabee show. The crowd reaction to that small part of the interview was priceless and I laughed really hard too. You should have linked to it here. It’s on YouTube.

    Reply
  4. Anonymous reader

    Sheila, I really hope someday you take on the problem of those of us who have never felt anything but aversion when looking at or thinking about our husbands. When there was no attraction at any point in time, and despite decades of trying, she feels a visceral repulsion in response to him. So even if she has a high libido, he turns her off. Hopefully there aren’t many of us out there. Thanks.

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Can I ask a question? Was there ever any attraction? What did you feel when you married him? Why did you marry him? If I can better understand that, it may help answer.

      Reply
      • Anonymous reader

        Never any attraction. He chose me to carry out his vision of homeschooling a large family, because I was homeschooled in a large family. My self-esteem was a piece of garbage, and I thought I was too dumb for further education and didn’t have a right to being treated well, and he was the only one who aproached my dad about courting me. I figured, who else would be willing to go through all my dad’s strict rules just to get me? I have experienced almost three decades of a relationship without friendship, respect, trust, emotional connection, or physical attraction. He is on the autism spectrum and was very spoiled. The combination of those two elements, with all they entail, plus enough religious indoctrination on both our parts, led to his feeling he had a free pass to not work on himself while doing whatever he wanted to, while my part was to submit joyfully and make him look as good as possible to others. I’ve had to play the roles of therapist, parent, life coach, anxiety med to help him function as well as possible in spite of his skill deficits. He was stable if everything was going his way, and it was my job to keep everything going his way. So he has experienced our marriage as good, while for me it has been painful and exhausting. I don’t enjoy being with him and never have. I learned to make the best of it and fake what was lacking in reality. He’s now this year starting to try to learn how to treat me like a friend. But there is nothing about him that attracts me as a person.

        Reply
        • Sheila Wray Gregoire

          Oh, dear. I’m so, so sorry. So very sorry. I do want to write some posts about this, because I think this is very, very common, especially in conservative religious circles. I would say that the first step is to work on your friendship, and try to find some common ground and have fun together. But it sounds like are trying that, and it isn’t reaping big dividends. In that case, I think building things into your life that you do enjoy and that bring joy are so important for your own emotional health. And growing good boundaries so that you do not feel responsible for keeping his emotional self on keel–that’s something he needs to own. Read things like Boundaries in Marriage or The Emotionally Healthy Woman, and see if those help. And please see a licensed counselor! This is a lot to work through.

          Reply
          • Anonymous reader

            This is all excellent advice, Sheila, and I’m doing or have done everything you mentioned. It’s still not workable sex. I would still love for you to address that part. What do Christians say to people like me about mutually satisfying sex? Is it just–there won’t be any emotional intimacy, romance, natural arousal, mutually-satisfying sex for you, because you made the tragic mistake of carefully following all the Christian rules your parents taught you and ended up lonely and unfulfilled for life? Enjoy the next forty years imprisoned in a hopeless marriage with only your virtue to keep you company? I am really wrestling with why the Christian ethic would shame a woman for making literally any other choice. But you and I both know divorce for these reasons would be condemned as superficial selfishness.

        • Angela Laverdi

          So,you basically married a 2 year old. I am,so very sorry you have been going through this. Let me just say though, after reading the further comments, you do NOT have to stay in this. It may be hard, it will be unpleasant, you may lose family and friends. But you may just save yourself. Don’t EVER think you have no options. Cause you do. My heart goes out to you. May you find the strength to do what is necessary, whether it be go or stay.

          Reply
    • Lisa

      That’s me! Because we have relationship issues and I think he is weak. We are financially preparing for divorce, though, so I don’t have any tips for you. My hubby is actually pretty physically attractive. It’s *him* that is the problem for me.

      Reply
  5. B

    Fertile days aside, I honestly don’t know what my libido is–high, low, or otherwise. I’ve been separated for 5 months, but before separation, when he wasn’t traveling for work, we compromised and had sex almost every day. Compromised because he wanted multiple times a day. I finally told him that I couldn’t keep up with his drive.
    BUT, I do remember that I was most attracted to him when I felt like he was listening to me and carrying what I saw as his share of the family load. He, like the husband in the question, did not understand and was offended that I was not visually moved to lust. I tried to explain, but he couldn’t (or wouldn’t) wrap his mind around different thinking than his own. His thinking being developed on porn meant we thought very differently about sex.
    I hope more and more people recognize and fight the dangers of pornography. In my marriage, it led to sexual abuse through coercion and manipulation. Rape isn’t always violent, especially when “authority” and position are the gun/knife.

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      I’m so sorry that you’ve gone through this, B, and I’m so glad that you’re in a safe place now. I pray for healing for you. And, you’re right. Marital rape and coercion are never okay.

      Reply
  6. Mb

    I wish men understood that this isn’t a bad thing. I don’t understand the desire of men who send dick pics thinking that’s supposed to turn a woman on. But that’s the culture now. It’s insane. Try talking to her and doing some work around the house and see how that helps instead of just seeing a penis. lol. I find my husband attractive but he’s the sexiest to me when he’s playing with our kids because that’s what I value. Clearly there’s nothing sexual about him playing with our kids so that’s a weird thing to find attractive but when I see him putting effort into something I value, his body gets more attractive.

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      That’s really common, MB! I wish more men understood this too (and I, too, wish men would stop sending those pics! Not that my husband ever would).

      Reply
    • Meghan

      OMG YES when my husband plays with our daughter I just want to kiss his face like crazy! Or when he cuddles with her during family movie night. It’s just so stinking attractive seeing the way he dotes on our little girl.
      Also I have never understood the whole sexually explicit pic thing either. Honestly I think it’s more of a thrill for them – they know it’s going to upset us and that excites them, like dudes who expose themselves to women in public. (where’s an eye roll emoji when you need it?)

      Reply
      • AspenP

        Could be. I’ve never gotten penis pics from my hubby, but he’s prone to send me proud poop pics. 🤦🏼‍♀️
        💩 well done sir, well done?
        Some things don’t HAVE to be shared. Luckily I was raised with brothers & a dad so it’s not completely shocking, but I also don’t need to be up to date on bowel movements.

        Reply
        • Chris

          😂. Hey, you gotta be proud of something! Why not poops?! ROTFL!

          Reply
  7. Anon Guy

    This post sums up my marriage pretty well, so I understand it. However, it is difficult when before marriage your soon-to-be-wife can’t keep her hands off you (I was the one to shut things down when we went too far, even though I had a very high libido), and then a year and a half later her desire turns responsive. That really messes with your head, because from a guy’s point of view nothing has changed. It makes you feel like your wife is no longer attracted to you. I miss feeling like my wife couldn’t contain herself when I would undress in front of her.
    This is a complex issue in marriage, and it takes a lot of compassion and understanding to work through it together. It will be one of those things we discuss and work through for the rest of our lives together.

    Reply
    • Natalie

      That makes sense, but on the flip side, a year and a half into marriage is plenty of time for the initial honeymoon phase of a relationship to be over. (And you can have a honeymoon phase without being married. It’s usually anywhere from 6 months to 2 years. For example, my husband and I dated for 5 years prior to marriage – something I would NOT recommend – and pretty much had the attitude of old married couples when we actually got married. Also, for me, I’m pretty sure the honeymoons phase lasted maybe 3-5 months.
      Your wife turning from spontaneous to responsive desire is perfectly normal. Even if you hadn’t married her and married someone else, it’d still happen. That’s just how long term relationships work.

      Reply
      • Anon Guy

        Natalie, you may have missed the point of what I was saying. I agree that it’s normal (knowing what I know now), but as a 20-something year old male who was newly married, it was difficult to process and understand. Even now, decades later, it’s not easy to understand, but I can accept it.
        I wouldn’t have wanted my marriage to stay in the honeymoon phase; it needs to mature and grow. My wife and I are much closer now than we were 20 years ago. But the sight of my wife undressed – even after multiple pregnancies and all the things our older bodies have endured – still sends me into overdrive. So, we’re different. I have to accept that. Things change. All I’m saying is that understanding that shift is difficult when you go in with preconceived notions. This is why I’ll have very frank discussions with my kids prior to them getting married about these exact subjects. Understanding each other is key, not whether or not I’m normal for a man and she’s normal for a woman.

        Reply
        • Sheila Wray Gregoire

          Yes, having those frank talks with your kids is so important. We don’t talk enough about what’s reasonable to expect, and how things do change, and how that doesn’t mean things are wrong. Instead, we set up this ideal as if it’s normal, and we forget about the ups and downs of life, and just normal change. And that leaves people dissatisfied when they don’t need to be.

          Reply
  8. Natalie

    Spot on. 👌🏼 This is a topic I’ve been contemplating a lot in recent months and years. Perhaps I’m more visual than most women, but the idea of having a hunk for a husband (or even just someone who took care of his body) really gets me going. I can see myself imitating a lot more just at the sight of him if he were fit. However, who’s to say how long that’d last. If he did get fit, we may have another honeymoon phase with a lot of passion because, to me at least, it’d be like he was a whole new person physically. But I’m sure I’d get used to his new physique. Knowing myself, I’m sure I’d always appreciate his physique, but I’m pretty certain the level to which his fit bod got me going would eventually wane a little.
    Currently, though I’m not turned on by the sight of him, I do love him dearly and him expressing his desire for me is what gets me in the mood. When he’s stressed or busy or hasn’t had sex on the mind much for several days or weeks, I find I have very little libido and desire to initiate anything. And looking at him physically often does much to turn me off, though I am able to overcome that (given he’s in the mood and actively pursuing me) and see him and enjoy him for the man he is.

    Reply
    • Natalie

      initiating*

      Reply
  9. Jane Eyre

    I’m an incredibly competitive person and work very hard to channel it into productive means.
    Comparing your spouse to other people’s spouses is insane. It’s one thing to say “X is hurtful and dysfunctional,” or to look to happy spouses as a guide for your own marriage, but a straight-up comparison is counterproductive.
    No husband oe wife can ever measure up, because the comparisons are always cherry picked. “He buys her diamonds,” “She keeps a trim figure.” It’s not “He buys her diamonds but travels for business 45 weeks a year,” or “She keeps a trim figure but has one kid, not five, and hired a personal trainer.” (No shade at all for those decisions – mostly trying to illustrate that the benefits come with costs.)
    Most importantly, other people’s happiness or unhappiness does not change my marriage. Our sex life is dysfunctional, and it’s dysfunctional for reasons specific to us. Being like or unlike other couples won’t fix it; the problems other people have can inform us, but not fix us. A lot of our marriage works, but that’s not because we are trying to stack up to other people (except in the sense of emulating people who have successful marriages).

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Very true, Jane! And especially–she may keep a trim figure, but she berates him constantly when they’re in private; or he may buy her diamonds, but he has a porn addiction. We tend to only see the “good” sides of other couples, the sides of them they want us to see. We don’t see the parts that are hidden, so it’s a totally false view for so many reasons. Better, as you said, to work on our own issues.

      Reply
    • Michelle

      I love that you used the phrase “cherry-picked.” It gives a perfect summation of social media, regarding marriage or just life as a whole. We tend to only see the best 5 minutes of someone’s week, and that’s hardly an indication of how someone’s life is on the inside.

      Reply
    • Jane Eyre

      Thank you.
      I am a big believer that there are trade-offs in life, and people immiserate themselves when they want all upside and no downside. (That doesn’t mean that some things aren’t just great and some aren’t just plain hard.) Sheila talks about this with sex – it’s not fair to only be there when your wife is young and hot, but complain about postpartum, or not support your husband through ED.
      It’s other areas, too. One of the reasons I growl like a hungry wolf when my husband’s friends start running their mouths about how I didn’t sacrifice for my marriage by moving halfway across the country is that I don’t want to hear their crap if we end up moving for my career. Jane moves for Rochester, isn’t it in Jane’s best interests to give up her corporate law gig. Rochester moves for Jane, oh, that’s a big sacrifice and she shouldn’t ask that.
      You can’t just look at one thing. The one thing may be balanced out by other things, or there might be a massive pile of “one things” that are making someone completely miserable. It requires far more judgement than that.

      Reply
  10. Ashley

    Here’s what I would say. As long as the relationship is on good ground, husbands can really use texts to boost her desire! Send her flirty, sexy messages throughout the day! It’s not hard to do, and you may be surprised at what she wants if you go from not doing that to doing it!

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Absolutely! And flirty is often better than overly graphic, too.

      Reply
  11. Michelle

    I’m so glad you wrote this! Many elements of this apply to both genders, and maybe it was the previous time you ran this post, or a similar post, but it really helped my marriage when we were newlyweds (so thank you for that!). My husband and I are just on different sides of the bell curve. We’re in our 7th year of marriage, but whether I see him mowing the lawn and lifting feed, or just sitting at the computer answering an email, I think he’s the sexiest man I’ve ever seen. Whereas he needs to feel helped and treasured, and it’s an all-day “flirt” before he’d be in the mood. I truly thought I was broken and hideous when we were first married, because he wasn’t jumping at the chance to be intimate 4-5 times a week, and we’re bombarded with media that reinforces the feelings of brokenness.

    Reply
    • Elsie

      My husband and I are like this too. I usually have to suggest sex a day or two in advance and then keep bringing it up to get him interested. I was caught off guard when I got married because I believed all the stereotypes about men wanting sex all the time. Sometimes I worry that I talk about sex too much and make my husband feel pressured instead of loved. We never felt like we were broken but it would have been easier if I had known before marriage that sometimes men have the lower libido. All these stereotypes aren’t healthy for marriages.

      Reply
  12. Andrea

    The best line I read on this topic (in a psychology book that evaluated some folk wisdom) was this: “The grass is always greener on the the other side, but happy gardeners are less likely to notice.”
    (I don’t have the page number or even the book any more, but I remember it was Pursuit of Happiness by David Myers, a Christian psychology professor at Hope College).

    Reply
  13. Tory

    Great post as always, and I enjoyed reading everyone’s comments.
    My only add would be to the husband in the original post who wanted his wife to “lust” after him— I wonder what the wife’s reaction would have been if he had instead said “honey, sometimes I get insecure because I wonder if you desire me or if I still turn you on. I want to be pursued once in a while too.” Because that could be what the issue was, but it takes a lot of vulnerability to admit that. Making it about the wife — “why don’t you lust after me?” puts the blame on her and allows him to hide his vulnerability. Men want to be pursued too! He might not have been coming from a bad place at all, just expressed himself poorly.

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Very insightful, Tory! I think we all do that a lot. It’s easier to point out a mate’s shortcomings than to be vulnerable.

      Reply
  14. Crystal

    Thank you for this post. It was so incredibly helpful to me. I’m not necessarily “attracted” to my husband and turned on until we are mid- sex and only if we have engaged in plenty of foreplay. This makes me feel more “normal” if that makes sense. Not that I’m comparing, just it helps that I’m not crazy or something.

    Reply
  15. princevinco

    I am sorry to say that some women are responsible for not been attractive to their husbands anymore. Some men, the reason they married the women they married was because they were elegant and attractive. However, some women unnecessarily allow themselves to be over weight thereby losing their shape.
    On the other hands, some men complain that their wives are no longer attractive while as they are the cause because any woman that is not maintained will lose attraction. As a man, you should therefore ask yourself if you are playing your own role of ensuring that you maintain your wife by investing in her?

    Reply
    • E

      Everyone has their definition of unnecessary. It is an extreme effort to lose weight once many lbs have been added with many children (I’ve had 5 and gained 40 more than when we married, though I lost corona 10 recently!)
      Husbands better not be expecting wives to always be perfect because that just isn’t going to happen, especially with childbirth. And of course we are going to age. And do these men ever look at their own belly?
      The greatest thin for us has been trying to lose weight together so we walk for 40 minutes together most nights and it’s a great time to talk and for the kids to get exercise.

      Reply
  16. Stephanie Armstrong

    This is SO true!!! My husband and I were talking about this as we are going through 31 days to great sex. I often feel discouraged because I wonder if there’s something wrong. Movies do go straight to sex. No foreplay. Just hot and heavy lol. That might happen sometimes, but most of the time it doesn’t. It’s time to stop letting this be our truth. It is a LIE. Thank you for all that you do, Sheila. Your website has been a God send. <3

    Reply
  17. Barbie

    I have a stronger sex drive than my husband and I am VERY visual. I notice hot men all the time. I initiate sex 99%
    of the time.
    I naturally feel desire for sex in general but a slightly less for my husband because he does not take care of his body.
    I do not expect perfection as he is older, but he could exercise more often with me (I exercise 5 days as week) and he could shower.
    I believe the the idea that ALL men are visually turned on sexually is a learned response.
    I know I am visually turned on sexually largely due to openly discussing “hot” guys with my girlfriends.
    I am over 50 years old now and I am still highly visual.
    I find when I talk about being turned on visually some women will then open up
    and tell me they are visual too. They felt ashamed to talk about being turned on visually as there is a stereotype that women are not visual. Totally not true!
    To state ALL men are visual one would have to poll every man on earth and then poll every woman to prove they are not turned on visually. It is unrealistic.
    Thank you Sheila for not stereotyping women and men.
    I feel blessed to be a sexually visual woman as I am ready for sex anytime. My husband does love it. He is sexually lazy so he is also happy I initiate sex.

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Thanks for sharing, Barbie! Yes, there are definitely visual women.

      Reply
  18. Grace

    Sheila, I cannot thank you enough for this article and this blog. I have been married for 3 years and sex has always been a struggle with low libido for me, (seemingly “normal” for him and he’s a really great guy about this stuff), bad messages growing up, all kinds of stuff. We hit a rough patch and I got in my head so much that I was questioning my attraction to him and sexuality in general. This article especially gives me so much reassurance that I am “normal” and not broken or unloving or hopeless! THANK YOU

    Reply

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