With COVID keeping many of us cooped up with our spouses and our kids 24/7, can we stay close?
On today’s podcast, we tackle some reader questions that came in about how to stay close even when you’re together ALL. THE. TIME.
Connor and Becca give some insight, and I answer some reader questions, too!
Reader Question: What if you don’t feel sexy anymore?
A woman asks:
How do you feel sexy during quarantine? I need some practical tips and spiritual insight. (The hubs wants more sex–I am so not in the mood, since my hair has turned brown, my eye-lashes fell off, and I just feel GROSS.) The situation makes me think about how we tie up our sexiness in thought that we are/need to be pretty and that our partners need to think we are, in order for us to feel desired. But I know that’s messed up, so I don’t think it’s just a practical issue, I feel it’s spiritual issue for me as a woman. But I still don’t know how to get there, so could use some practical, theological direction.
I’d love your insight into this, too! A few quick thoughts:
I agree that beauty is not just skin deep. It’s what on the inside. But at the same time, I do think that how we take care of ourselves affects our libido. That’s not necessarily because we think we’re pretty; but more libido is tied to feeling turned on to life in general. When you stay in yoga pants and sweatshirts, it can feel comfy, but you don’t feel productive or energized usually. I think the more that we can use this time to feel like we still have purpose, like we can still be part of making the world a better place (even if it’s just baking bread or cleaning out a closet) the more turned on to our husbands we’ll be.
That being said, it’s just a really stressful time for a lot of people. Give yourself a break. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
And one more thing: If your husband wants sex, then HE thinks you’re attractive–even if you don’t! So try my 24 sexy dares, maybe just one a week? They can help you feel sexy, too!
Does your marriage need some spicing up–and some fun?
Reader Question: How do we like each other when we’re together all the time?
A woman writes:
Hi, I would love it if you could address some ways to navigate quarantine and still be happy on the other side! My husband and I have been married over a decade and are really happy for the most part. I love having him around and he often worked from home before quarantine and we both love that arrangement but quarantine brings a whole new level of being in each other’s space alllll the time.
This might be fine if it were just us but add in a bunch of rowdy kids and a baby that hates sleep and it’s struggle street. We are exhausted and short with each other and things that don’t usually bother me are super irritating right now. Sex has taken a back seat because we are just so physically and emotionally drained all the time. Added to that is the fact that the baby has decided she won’t settle before midnight so there isn’t even any opportunity to have sex, even if we were in the mood. Not having the chance to do the things we would usually do apart that we enjoy is also not helping.
Any ideas that might help us connect and survive this time well??
I let Connor and Rebecca handle this, since they work from home together all the time, and they have a baby, too (though they don’t have the extra kids!).
Again, my short answer would be:
- Have grace with each other. It’s just a tough time.
- Realize that with all of you together, the house is going to get messier. Staying on top of that relieves frustration.
- Plan downtime for both of you.
I’m eager to hear your tips, too!
Reader Question: How do I counsel a teen who was raped?
A sad question on a different topic:
How can I help a girl in our youth group who who gave in to peer pressure to drink, found herself waking up from passed out to being pinned down, hand over her mouth and being raped by a much older guy. She is young in her walk with Jesus crazy home life, and previous sexual abuse. She has wants to grow with God but has so many questions of why. I don’t want to lead this young lady wrongly and desire greatly to be able to help her and love her through this but feel at a loss. I also, had sexual abuse growing up so I can relate in some ways but hoping for more help.
My quick answer: Sometimes the best way to help is to point people who are really equipped to help. Help her report it to the police, if she wants. It can feel empowering to understand that this is serious, and you do have options. And then seek out a licensed counselor who knows about trauma therapy.
You may also enjoy:
- The Body Keeps the Score: How Sexual Trauma Affects Us
- Tiger King: Why We Need to Deal with our Own Stuff
- 10 Questions to Ask a Biblical Counselor to make sure they’re safe
COVID may be a great time for some of us to start professional counseling. Many counselors offer counseling via Skype, and many of us have time on our hands now. Think about reaching out!
And now I’d like to know: What are your tips for staying close in quarantine? How do we give ourselves grace, and our spouses grace? How do we turn on our libido when we’re home all the time? Let’s talk in the comments!