How does sex become pressure-free when you really do want it?

It’s the last Thursday of the month, which means our podcast today is directed at the guys (well, both can listen to all my podcasts, but in this last podcast I always aim more towards the guys, while making it relevant for all!). I know I have a lot of male readers, and I have a lot of male listeners, and Connor tells me the Start Your Engines editions get extra listens. So wow!

Today we had a smorgasbord of topics and voices, summing up the month on porn, but also talking about the dynamic of helping both feel freedom when it comes to sex, even when the guy may have the higher libido.

So first, listen in!

Reader Question: How Does “Duty Sex” Affect Us Emotionally?

A man writes in with this question:

My wife loves your podcast and gets excited whenever she hears something new to try. But once we get in the bedroom, she’s like a different person. She gets very scared and says that she doesn’t
know how to be intimate with me. I’ve tried telling her what I like, but she takes it as if she’s done something horribly wrong rather than a learning opportunity. She’ll make an exaggerated attempt to please me, which feels forced. I usually stop her and ask if she’s okay, which makes her scared that she might have done something wrong. Even when I’m trying to please her, it’s come to the point where she is terrified of me noticing she isn’t enjoying herself so she’ll try to fake her way through it hoping I don’t notice.

I know what turns her on, but it seems she can’t allow herself to get to that point anymore because of her worry of “messing up”. Sex has become something she fears. I only want for her to see that I care deeply about her and want to share in this important part of our marriage together, but I can’t seem to do that without her looking as if she’s being berated. Sex has become something where we both lie in bed terrified of touching each other.

Great question! I’m going to assume in answering it that he genuinely is a good guy and that there aren’t other issues he hasn’t mentioned going on here, and I’m also going to assume that the problem is not sexual trauma of some sort (and if that is the problem in your marriage, I highly recommend The Body Keeps the Score).

I tackled this question, and I focused on what our survey results told us about women feeling obligated to have sex. As soon as it’s an obligation, they can often freeze up. So I gave some tips on how to help her feel freer and less obligated.

I also mentioned these posts in the podcast, that may help:

Why men need to be involved in the fight against porn

My husband Keith and my son-in-law Connor both wrote posts about pornography this month for our pornography series, and they hopped on this segment to sum up some of the things that they learned.

Here are some of the important posts in that series:

And, of course, if you’re wanting to get a handle on a porn addiction, or prevent the next generation from watching porn, a great tool is Covenant Eyes. Check it out–you get 1 month free with my link!

Find freedom from porn!

Live porn free - Start Your Engines Podcast: How Do We Have a Pressure-Free Sex Life?

Your marriage, and your thought life, do not need to be held captive to pornography.

There is freedom. 

Beat porn–together!

How Can You Make Sure Your Wife Doesn’t Feel Pressured or Coerced?

Connor and Rebecca finished the podcast elaborating on our big reader question–how do you make sure that your spouse doesn’t feel pressure? How can you make room for them to feel free? 

I think what we all want is passionate sex, not only duty sex or even frequent sex. So how do we free people, especially women, to experience that?

You may also enjoy:

So now it’s your turn–what do you think? How can we help sex feel passionate and not pressure-free? Let’s talk in the comments!


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