What should you do if your husband watches porn?
This month our theme is pornography use–how to understand the effects of porn; how to defeat porn and recover from porn; how to help the future generation not get hooked.
We’ve also already talked about how women can use porn as well.
One of my biggest posts in the past, that I point to all the time, was one on what to do if your husband uses porn. I wanted to revamp it and rerun it, since it’s 6 years since I last wrote it, because it is probably one of the most important posts on this blog. So many of you have arrived here because of this problem. So let’s get real about what porn does to marriage.
1. You Must Grieve Your Husband’s Porn Use
It’s going to come as a major sucker punch. You’ll feel betrayed, and dirty, and angry. That’s natural. Likely you knew something was wrong, and you suspected something, but you couldn’t put your finger on it.
Now you know, and very likely the feelings are overwhelming. People often arrive on this blog the night they discover their husband watching porn, and they find posts talking about pornography use and pour out their hurt in the comments. That hurt is raw and very real.
That’s okay. Give yourself some grace to be upset. Give yourself some time to yell at God about it, to wrestle this through, and to cry. You don’t have to fix anything overnight, and sometimes if we try too hard to fix it right now we do more damage. At times, when we first find out something so devastating, we’re tempted to say, “it’s okay, I know you didn’t mean it, let’s just forget it and go back to normal” because we’re afraid to face what this might mean.
But we need to admit brokenness. Rushing forgiveness isn’t wise. If we don’t admit it, it can’t be fixed. And it could be that what God is going to make out of the pieces of your heart and your relationship, will be different from what you started with, but that doesn’t mean it won’t also be beautiful. Grieve, and give God time to work. Don’t deny the gravity of the hurt. And don’t deny the gravity of the effects of porn on a marriage, either!
At the same time, if I can offer some reassurance, so many marriages have emerged on the other side. And one thing that helps is that, after that initial grief is over, you realize that you are on the same page, fighting an evil together.
Now, this only applies if your husband honestly wants to put the porn in the past as well. There’s a huge difference between a husband who admits he has used porn and wants to stop, and a husband who was caught using porn and is just trying to get away with it. We’ll deal with the second scenario in a minute.
But if your husband honestly wants to stop, then just remember that you have the same goal. Don’t let porn come between you; instead, decide to fight together to defeat your husband’s porn addiction.
Most Christian husbands desperately want to stop watching porn. They don’t want to be doing this. It enslaves them. If you can be an ally, you both will move forward so much more easily.
You May Also Enjoy:
- Why Rushing Forgiveness Ruins Intimacy
- Top 10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Your Marriage, and Your Sex Life
- How Porn Use Before Marriage Affects Marriage Now
- PODCAST: What Porn Use Before Marriage Does to a Marriage
2. You Must Live in the Light and Not Keep His Porn Use a Secret
Porn thrives on secrecy. In her book, When Your Husband Is Addicted to Pornography, Vicki Tiede recounts the words of one woman, married 45 years, who discovered her husband’s masturbation habit two years into this marriage. “if it ever got out, I’d kill myself,” he told her. And so she didn’t say a word, and lived with it. For 45 years. Can you imagine?
Vicki doesn’t believe that staying in darkness is the answer. As I’ve said before, you need to bring these things to light.
As a church, we need to bring this to light.
There is so much ignorance around the whole pornography problem. It truly does ensnare people, making it almost impossible for them to function normally sexually with a human being. What becomes arousing is an image, and they become so focused on masturbation and pornography that a relationship isn’t sexy anymore. It’s too much work! Once you start using porn, too, it rarely stays with the tame stuff. People will seek out more and more hard core stimulation. Eventually, they may even act things out. This isn’t people just looking at something to get their jollies; this is something that can all too easily turn into an addiction.
And that’s why you must bring light to it. You can’t let it stay a secret. Your husband needs help, but so do you. Many wives of porn addicted husbands actually show symptoms of PTSD.
So if, when you discover your husband’s porn use, he apologizes profusely but then refuses to tell anyone, or if he doesn’t even apologize and tell you that it’s none of your business, you do not have to remain silent. PLEASE do not remain silent.
I have seen so many people say “cute” things on Facebook about never saying anything bad about your husband to anyone else, but that doesn’t apply in a situation with a husband and porn. Your husband is hurting himself. He is hurting you. He is participating in sex trafficking (for that is what you do when you use porn). For his own good, and for yours, he needs to stop. If he is not willing to stop, then you need to seek help so that others can influence him as well and say, “porn use is not acceptable.”
Your problem is not bigger than God; and if you are honest before God, His strength is more than sufficient to see you through.
3. You Must Get Help and Accountability for Your Husband’s Porn Recovery
It is not enough for a husband to apologize and promise never to do it again. You wouldn’t accept that of an alcoholic; you would ask him or her to go to AA meetings. The same goes for porn use. There’s such shame involved with pornography because it’s sexual, but the admonition from the Bible doesn’t change.
James 5:16 says, “confess your sins one to another”. Confession should be a regular part of the Christian life. If a husband admits he watches porn, apologizes, but then asks that his wife not say anything and is unwilling himself to seek any help, then he hasn’t really repented. He’s not sorry he used porn; he’s only sorry he got caught using porn.
True repentance is always accompanied by true humility, and that means that someone will seek help.
Encourage him to join an accountability group or recovery group. Encourage him to seek out a friend that he will meet with regularly, who will ask him the hard questions about whether he’s looked at porn (and whom he can ask those questions of, too). And you need to get help for yourself as well! This is a huge burden to bear and a huge thing to process. Don’t try to do it alone.
I’m not saying tell everyone you know. I’m saying you should do this:
- Each of you find your “one person”. Your husband needs one person he can call to take him out for coffee periodically and look him in the eyes and challenge him on whether he’s been watching porn or not. Pray with him and for him about who that one person should be, but it’s okay to make it a condition of recovering your marriage that he has such a person. And then find one person for you, too. One person that you can pour your heart out to, and can help guide you as you deal with this, move on to forgiveness, and rebuild.
- Require him to join a recovery group.
- Consider seeing a licensed counselor, both individually, and together. (I HIGHLY recommend this). I know it’s expensive. But in the end it is much cheaper to deal with this well, now, then to have this fester for years of unhealed wounds.
Find freedom from porn!
Your marriage, and your thought life, do not need to be held captive to pornography.
There is freedom.
Beat porn–together!
4. You Must Set Boundaries around the Porn Use
Finally, if you don’t want this to happen again, you must set boundaries. That isn’t being vengeful; it’s just being smart. If your husband had an affair at work, you’d likely want him to find another job. You’d want something to change so that he won’t fall into it again.
And this should be the same thing. I don’t know what those boundaries will look like for your family; they could involve computer controls to filter pornography, or getting rid of the internet temporarily. They could mean choosing to share computers and cell phones so that there is no longer any secrecy. Maybe it might mean setting “technology free” hours at home, where all screens go off at 9:00 pm, so that it’s relationship time and you know you have his attention.
One warning about boundaries, though. It is must easier to build trust again if you know that there is someone else helping your husband set those boundaries, and someone else holding him accountable. It’s not a good situation to feel as if you have to monitor your husband’s every move. That sets up a very unhealthy dynamic, where you’re constantly on the watch for him to mess up.
But for the men reading this, know that your wife will be able to trust you easier if you have an accountability partner (Covenant Eyes is a great way to organize this; use the code “TLHV” for a free month!). So don’t shy away from finding someone to talk to!
Rebuilding trust and rebuilding your sex life after porn takes time, but it is possible. But it is only possible if you admit the gravity of the problem, get some help, and truly repent and become humble before God. You both need God’s help. You both need outside help. And you both will need some time.
In my book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I share the story of Anna and Paul. Anna discovered her husband watching porn years into their marriage; she was devastated, and he was mortified to be found out. But in the end, it was the best thing to happen to their marriage. Paul had been living in secret shame for so long, and now he was able to deal with the problem. And their marriage has been rebuilt.
God loves to rebuild, and He loves to reconcile. He doesn’t force anyone, though. People can still choose to do the wrong thing. But God also loves to work in people’s hearts, and I pray that, as you and your husband deal with this, God will help your husband see the destruction porn does through Jesus’ eyes, and I pray that He can help you rebuild.
Later this month, I’ll be sharing more about what recovery looks like long-term. But today I just wanted to share these first four steps that I believe every couple must take when a husband’s porn use is disclosed. Deal with it fully. Don’t rush forgiveness. Don’t keep it a secret. Get help. And build boundaries.
Once all that is in place, then, and only then, will we start to see healing!
If you’ve ever discovered your husband using porn, or if your spouse has ever learned of your porn use, leave a comment (anonymously if you have to) and let us know your story.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I believe with all my heart, Sheila, that you are working so very hard to help women who are dealing with this and much of your post is good information. Please revise number three . There are strong words there that just aren’t what is recommended by porn use/addiction groups and organizations. It is extremely important that the one using/abusing porn be the one to seek help. The spouse cannot do this for them. The spouse has been the victim of betrayal is in no way responsible for finding the resources for the porn user’s recovery. This is part of the over functioning that is most likely already in the relationship. Number 3 needs to be about the betrayed spouse finding support if their spouse is using porn. The spouse can encourage the recovery but is not in any way required to seek out those resources. Part of owning the issue is finding the help.
There are times in a healthy relationship that either spouse seeks out help for the other one. But repetitive porn use and deception marks that a spouse isn’t functioning as a part of a healthy relationship. And therefore some things that sound good in a healthy relationship can actually be detrimental to a recovering one. Spouses who have been betrayed by their spouses porn use have absolutely no responsibility to seek out the recovery resources for the Porn using spouse. That would be the same as telling someone who has been beaten that they must find a recovery program for their abuser.
Point taken! I’ve changed it. I really meant what you said, but I didn’t word it right. My broader point is that it’s okay to require him to seek help if you’re going to rebuild the marriage. It’s okay to say, “you need to show me that you’re serious about beating this.” And if he won’t deal with his porn use, or if he would rather keep it secret, it’s okay to pull in a third party to talk to him with you and say, “this stops now.” But I’ve taken out the wording that makes it sound like she’s responsible for him doing that, and I’ve made it clear that it’s okay if she requires him to do this to rebuild their marriage.
“ This is part of the over functioning that is most likely already in the relationship. Number 3 needs to be about the betrayed spouse finding support if their spouse is using porn. The spouse can encourage the recovery but is not in any way required to seek out those resources. Part of owning the issue is finding the help.”
1,000,000% this!!! And this applies to all addiction, really. Based on what I’ve read in my years of research and trying to find support online, it does seem like when one spouse is an addict, the other spouse is almost always over-functioning just to keep the relationship ship afloat. When they’re not, they’ve checked out and it’s a dead marriage that might as well be a separation /divorce imo.
You can’t force someone to change, ever. You can’t do all the heavy lifting and hope that they’ll just do their 10% of work to complete the “recovery” process. That isn’t how this works. A real, deep, true change of the heart and soul and mind is what it takes to change for good. And only God can show your spouse that truth imo. For spouses of addicts, I think the best course of action is to 1) take it to God and strengthen your personal relationship with Him, 2) find support outside your marriage and talk about it with other trusted sources, & 3) draw your boundaries/consider separation or even divorce if that’s what it takes. Not all marriages are salvageable when addiction is in the picture, though many can be saved through God’s grace.
My husband is/was a food addict with some porn habit tendencies as well. He’s renewed and really revived his relationship with the Lord (thanks coronavirus! Nothing like a pandemic to give you the good shaking you needed to wake up, lol), started seeing a great therapist who’s also a solid believer, and I literally cannot describe how much better our marriage is!!! It’s like I’m married to a different person, but all the best bits of the man I originally fell in love with! It’s incredible! God really can redeem things that just seemed so lost and like a waste of time and effort before!
And I should note: all this took place AFTER I realized I couldn’t make my husband change, and decided to step back from everything and, honestly, just kinda check out, give it to God, and focus on myself and my own growth instead. I think me over-functioning for so many years actually delayed the growth my husband needed to do for himself.
Natalie, I’m so happy to hear that update about your husband! That’s wonderful. I’m so glad.
I can personally attest to the fact that an accountability partner and Covenant Eyes are great tools!
The road to forgiveness and rebuilding can be a long and difficult one, but if both partners are committed, it can be worth it.
There does need to be genuine remorse, repentance, ownership (the devil didn’t make you do it), and a willingness to put it behind you forever.
Yes! Covenant Eyes is great! While my husband didn’t have a true porn addiction as bad as some men have it, he did have a very deeply engrained porn habit that he was using as a self-soothing tool, making it extremely difficult for him to break. Covenant Eyes is what did the trick for him. 👍🏼
Yes, yes,yes! This is all so good!
I want to double down on finding someone to talk to. This is so vital! I didn’t have anyone I felt like I could bring my pain to. My best friend is my mother and I tell her everything, but this was one thing I didn’t feel right about discussing with her. Instead of finding someone else, I didn’t talk to anyone. Even my husband. I cried in the shower. I asked him once a month for updates stoically because I didn’t want him to “feel bad.” This stunted my healing even as he was gaining his. It would have been so much better for me to have both found someone to help me process and also to have let my husband see me grieve. Once those things finally came into place, it really felt like me and him fighting something as a team and not us pitched against eachother.
I said something to this awhile ago, but I feel like there can never be enough encouragement. Healing is definitely possible. On the other side, we’re still best friends, emotionally healthier than ever before, pro communicators, and very happily married raising three daughters.
The only thing I would add to this (you did allude to it) would be pray. Pray hard and pray fierce . Pray for eachother. Pray over eachother. There is a war waging and Satan knows that if he can hit us in our sexuality and marriages he has got us where it hurts. This isn’t trying to say that you pray hard and all problems go away like magic or that if you end up divorcing you “didn’t pray hard enough.” Whether you pull through together or are healing from a broken marriage on your own, pray. Do all these things. Get help. But also PRAY.
Yes, absolutely!
Oh, I’m so glad you’re out the other side! That’s wonderful, Ina. Really wonderful. Thank you for sharing.
Several years ago, my husband went through this addiction. Here’s what I learned. Some of the points are a bit different than what you you wrote.
1. It wasn’t about me. I didn’t cause it. I also didn’t have the power to fix it. In our case, it had nothing to do with me or my husband’s love for me. The most that I was able to do was be supportive as HE got help.
2. In many ways, it’s wasn’t even really about sex, although that was the form that the addiction took. Focusing on that, and the shame associated with it, ended up making things worse instead of better.
3. In my husband’s case, what he was doing was what I call “splitting”. He was and is a wonderful man. He has a profession where he helps people and they rely on him. He is great to his family. He’s not perfect, however, because nobody is perfect. For him, this was a source of intense stress. His persona to the outside world was someone who was perfect, but inside he felt unworthy and like a fraud, and worried that people would find out what he was really like and reject him.
4. He sought out porn in part for stress relief, and then in part because he saw it as something bad. A cycle started where he felt that he couldn’t live up to his perfect image, so he sort of developed a shadow “bad” persona who would do the things that the “perfect” persona wouldn’t. Then, he would feel immense guilt, make endless confessions to me and vows to change, declare that he hated everything the “bad” persona did, and it would just fuel the cycle even more.
5. It finally escalated to the point that it went beyond just porn use, and into activities that were completely unacceptable and risky. It was almost like he was trying to get caught or self-destruct. This coincided with him going through a very serious complaint against him in his professional life (for something totally unrelated).
6. The solution for us was NOT to focus on porn being bad. He already felt that way. It wasn’t for me to force or police anything, because it wasn’t my issue. Instead, it was for him to get counseling, not a religious lecture, that allowed him to dig deep into the self-destructive behavior. Most importantly, he needed to take ownership of his actions! He needed to acknowledge that he wasn’t perfect and that was ok. He needed to admit that the things done by his bad persona were still things that he did and were under his control.
7. After the addiction was addressed, we needed to address some things. We had to gradually communicate so that he could acknowledge his sexual desires and not relegate that to an alter ego, but also so that I could gradually acknowledge how I felt and not just dismiss how I was feeling out of fear that he was too fragile or too guilty or that I had already forgiven. That was the final step in taking ownership.
So good! Thank you for sharing.
And I totally agree that we shouldn’t be the ones ultimately to police our husbands. But it’s also okay to say, “I will not tolerate this. You need to stop. And stopping means getting help and dealing with this.” Then it’s up to them to decide whether they really want to stop or not.
Many women have discovered their husband’s porn use, and then their husband has said, “I’ll deal with it,” but the husband has done nothing. It’s okay for a wife to insist on seeing real change if the marriage is to stay together.
I agree with you, by the way, about the religious lecture. No, they don’t need a lecture. But, yes, they do need accountability and to be in recovery with a counselor or therapist, and preferably a licensed one. And I do think that bringing God into the healing process, and understanding the need people have to be perfect, and the shame, and the guilt, and all of that can all be helped through the power of the Holy Spirit. It’s not about God making you feel guilty; it’s about God helping you be free.
Thanks for sharing!
Bravo, Sheila. Thank you so much. This will be a post I share often with hurting women.
Great article Sheila! #2 is VERY IMPORTANT. Secrecy is a room where no one can challenge the devil’s lies.
Again, don’t shout it from the rooftops, use discretion, but tell SOMEONE – for both your sakes. Here are some things that made me feel conflicted on this point:
1) My husband was so ashamed and embarassed.
2) I was concerned that outing his problem was dishonoring my husband. In some regards I still struggle with this.
3) Fear that the problem would be minimized or tolerated. It’s so widespread that the seriousness of it hides behind the commonality of it. During the initial stage, I could not have weathered someone staring back blankly and saying something like, “So? That’s completely normal.”
My husband and I are egalitarian, so thankfully I didn’t struggle with this last concept, but I know A LOT of women who do:
-Telling undermines your husband’s “authority” and to tell against his wishes is lack of submission-
THE TRUTH IS WHAT SETS YOU FREE. Privacy and secrecy allowed my husband to minimize and justify what he was doing without challenge. Having to look another human being in the face and say it out loud was an immediate gear shift for my husband – first talking to me about it after I discovered it, and then talking to our LICENSED counselor, who also happened to be Christian and our pastor.
TELL SOMEONE.
Amen!
I’m afraid it’s too late to save my marriage, but I would like to encourage the wives to “find their voice” and speak to their husbands. You might be met with anger, denial and gas lighting, but it has to be done. Do this over and over, no matter how much he doesn’t like it. He needs to feel your pain. Blessings to all.
Thank you. And I’m so sorry about your marriage. I really am.
> > In many ways, it’s wasn’t even really about sex, although that was the form that the addiction took
This is a subtle yet powerful point that some people miss. I know I did. When I first looked into this (and found this site), I thought that porn was used almost exclusively by men not in a relationship or married men whose wives wouldn’t have sex with them. These groups exist, but the reality is much, much bigger.
> > It finally escalated to the point that it went beyond just porn use
True, and one of the things that cancels out the fake excuses of “it’s just pictures” or “it’s just a cartoon” or “I’m just sending texts”. Things like this often start small (or small in the eye of the beholder) then can sometimes escalate into things that are truly bad or even dangerous.
My husband and I have fought about sex for almost our whole marriage. I have always had the higher libido, and know now that a lot of it has stemmed from my wanting to know I am “enough,” loved, and desired. Last year, my husband admitted to having watched porn at several different intervals in our marriage. And then admitted that 5 different women had sent him nude pics and he had sent them pics of himself. We were on the brink of divorce, so I forgave him, but really struggled with forgiveness as the weeks went on, and I wondered how long this had gone on, and if his lack of desire for me was really not a libido issue. I have been doing a lot of research on mending my marriage, and realize how much my disrespect of him has been a turn-off as well. But I still wonder (we are on a non-consensual sex break right now for who knows how long as he decides if he still wants to be married to me after I confessed that I had shared concerns about his lack of desire for me again and had wondered what else he was doing. I have been faithful to him and pretty much never refused sex. I hate porn.
Oh, I’m so sorry! That’s just awful. Yes, if he’s been doing that, it’s very hard to respect him. I’d really recommend seeing a licensed therapist, if you can. Many will see you via Skype, even during COVID. It can help clarify things.
Thanks so much for this article! My discovery about my husband happened about 2 years ago, we were 2 years into our marriage. At the time I did set expectations before him. That he’d find an accountability partner, we’d find and settle on a church home we both agreed on), and that when we did, we would join a small group to get more support in general, and maybe that he’d join a men’s group. We also had an internet filter (I think netnanny?) But that didnt help with the main problem – cell phone usage and we just got rid of it. We havent talked to anyone about it. My husband said he had a childhood friend that he may be able to be accountability partners with but I havent heard a real update on that. We believe we’ve found a church we both can agree on, but very recently. My husband says it was never an addiction to begin with but from the history I could see that it was very habitual – nearly everytime we were apart he was on his phone googling. Anyhow, he more recently has said that it isn’t a problem anymore, that was 2 years ago. He has given me most of his passwords to emails, etc.. but I have not once been able to bring myself to “look” or check on him which I read is not my responsibility anyway. I guess my question is, what would be advised for me to do going forward? He seems to deny that it was at addiction level, and he wants to quickly get the conversation over with when I want to bring it up?? Thank you!!
I wish it were so easy. I can’t do any of the things on this list, except grieve. I know my husband uses porn but he won’t even talk about it, let alone get professional help for the problem. He doesn’t care how I feel about this issue nor any other. I cannot do anything about it. I homeschool our kids and have no way to support myself so I can’t see any way to separate. My husband’s income barely keeps food on the table as it is. So I just live in a sexless and loveless marriage. At least my kids get to stay in the home they’ve grown up in. I live for them – I ruined my life by marrying this man 20 years ago, but that had nothing to do with them and they shouldn’t have to suffer for my mistakes.
I caught my husbands secret of porn use over 7 years ago. He never apologized. He’s never re-engaged in our marriage. I’ve waited. I’ve begged but he don’t look at me like he did the first 10 years of our marriage. He isn’t the same man I married. I can’t get him to want to be part of our marriage. He states “I come home after work don’t I”. I’m done. I feel worthless, unlovable, ugly, unwanted, like dirt and more. Life remains his way. His feelings and desires are paramount. My wishes don’t matter. I made him leave today. I want a divorce. He can’t /won’t treat me like a person with needs. I can’t live like this anymore.
Hi Sheila! Thank you for your constant insight and helpfulness. I found your site about a year ago and about a week and a half ago I approached my husband with an innocent question that led him to tell me about his porn addiction for the first time. I am 7 weeks postpartum now with our second child. He has two accountability partners that he has started meeting up with on Sunday nights, we purchased a phone blocker app, and we started therapy again yesterday which will also be once a week reoccurring. I have been talking with two of my trusted friends and am excited about therapy to continue. I have been grieving the lies my husband told and the betrayal of him keeping this from me. Now that everything is out in the open and I see he is willing to get help and attack the root I’m finally able to feel less emotional for the past two days. How long do you suggest before we wait to have sex again? Last week I told him I wanted to take a break from sex. We have not been sexually active during these past 7 weeks postpartum and it is getting even harder for me to wait. I feel tempted to masturbate but I do NOT want to and have been successfully fighting against it. Will we interfere the healing process or will my husband think that he doesn’t have to earn my trust again if we have sex?
That’s such a hard question, because there are so many factors. Can you ask your therapist, who has a better view of where the two of you are at? I’d say it needs to be long enough so that he can experience frustration and not turn to porn or blame you for it; and it needs to be long enough that you can trust him again; but sometimes you also just need to connect and cement a new view of sex for him. There isn’t a particular time line; it depends where you’re both at.