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UTIs, the Role of a Daughter, Crushes on a Married Man, and More!

I’m so far behind on reader questions that I decided this week to just answer a whole ton of them!

Connor, who edits my podcasts, had a midterm last night, and didn’t have a ton of time to edit this week. And editing when two of us are having a conversation is always trickier, so we decided to just have me on burning through a lot of questions. It’s kind of a fun one that goes all over the place, so I think you’ll enjoy it.

So listen in!

 

A list of all of the questions!

I’m not going to try to give you all of my answers to these questions or explain much today, because there are just too many! So you’ll have to listen in. But here were the questions I tackled:

 

My husband left me and our children a while ago. I got a legal separation from him. He has not done anything to try for divorce and he will talk to us once in a while. When he does see us he ends up trying to have sex with me. My problem is that I love my husband and still want him and I love sex. I am having such a hard time being without sex for so long! Would it be terribly wrong of me to have sex with the husband I love and want to return? Is it okay to have sex with the man I'm separated from?

My husband and I have been married for over a decade, with several children. Recently, after a lot of obvious turmoil, he came out of the closet! He told me he’d been in the closet since childhood and that he’s realized he needs to be true to himself and that he needed to embrace his homosexuality. He wants a divorce & I agree.

However, I’m still relatively young! I know divorce is wrong unless the spouse is a cheater or an abuser or abandons the spouse and family, none of which are applicable to my marriage. He has never cheated on me and is not leaving me for another man. He’s been my best friend for years and I love him dearly.

Biblically, would I be sinning if I remarried? I don’t want to be an adulterer in God’s eyes by sinning and remarrying when my first husband is still alive and we didn’t divorce for any of the valid reasons given in the Bible. But I also don’t want to be single for the next possibly 40-50 years! Can I remarry if my husband leaves me because he's gay?

For this one, I would also point you to these posts:

I have had chronic UTI’s throughout my entire marriage, and by chronic I mean sometimes 1-2 a month. All of them happen after sex. These UTI’s have made me equate sex with pain, along with long bouts of antibiotics that wreak havoc on my body. Unsurprisingly, this has caused me to develop mild vaginismus, and a pretty strong aversion to
sex. 

Despite doing all of the “right” things (pee before and after sex, cranberry juice, etc), I can never guarantee that I won’t get one from sex. I feel so hopeless and trapped, and I don’t know how I will ever overcome this.

Help! I get UTIs from sex and now I'm developing vaginismus

I do want to say one quick answer to this one: Please keep talking to doctors about this until you get an answer. It isn’t normal. Maybe even cut out most foods and then slowly introduce things, in case you’re triggering something. But also, check to see if it’s actually ONE UTI that has never been fully cured and keeps flaring up. But please–don’t put up with this. When you have something physically wrong and you don’t have an answer and it isn’t normal, beat down the paths to every doctor in your area until you get a solution, or at least an explanation of why it happens to you.

I was speaking with some friends of mine last month and the topic came up about the way things look downstairs after having children. Now, I don’t usually look at things down there, but when there seems to be an issue I pull out the mirror to check things out from time to time. The labia minora is all stretched out and it’s super dark down there. My friend and I were talking about how this can be very uncomfortable during sex, moving things about when things do go the right way. As if we as woman don’t have enough issues down there! Why wasn’t this in a what to expect book or something when I was having kids! For instance, my mother recently told me she had to get estrogen cream for down there due to tearing from thin skin, which happens sometimes when you get older. Ugh. Why didn’t I know about stuff like this? 

Changes to your vagina as you age?

I’m married and have always had so many dreams to travel and before my husband and I were ever married I expressed that to him. He has always been supportive and knows it’s a priority for me and not for himself
so he has no problem if I go on trips without him. We always discuss how long the trips will be and the budget and so on. He and I have no issues with it but I have a married friend ( who is also a Christian) who seems to always make passive aggressive comments about how me and my husband should be spending more time together. Again my husband and I have never had issues about this and communicate very openly with each other.

My question is more so out of curiosity.. is it normal for married couples to travel apart? Is there a point when it becomes an issue or when you think it isn’t okay or is unhealthy?

Is it weird for couples to travel apart?

I was wondering if at some point you could do a post or a podcast on covering theology? It started with the shepherding movement in the 1970s, and it was eventually renounced by those who started it as a flawed message, but
it still impacts the church. My dad believed heavily in this theology, and because of it I was brought up believing that because he was my spiritual covering, the authority over me ordained by God, I had to submit my will to him in everything. His will was God’s will in my life. Even after I had left home and was supporting myself. Only marriage would release me to the covering of another man. And only to a man that my dad approved of and in his a proper time.

It was very hard to break away from this, and because I did, my parents hardly speak to me now. They see me as a wayward child, a prodigal and what I’ve done as utterly scandalous, a rebellious act against God. (I decided to marry the man I loved against their wishes). But I still love Jesus with all of my heart, and so does my husband, we’ve both just been so hurt and confused by this doctrine, as we spent two years trying to gain my parent’s approval together by submitting to it.

I was curious, with your experience and knowledge, what you would say about this doctrine as a whole? The primary book that houses the theology is called “Under Cover” by John Bevere. It mainly focuses on church mentor-mentee relationships, but it manifests in families as well (as mine is an example, and I have met several couples who went through the same thing that my husband and I did). I know you have spoken extensively about the dangers of wives submitting to their husbands in this authoritarian sense, but what about when it extends to daughters under their fathers? In my home, I was expected to submit to my dad in exactly the same manner that my mom was as his wife, and the passages of scripture about wives submitting to their husbands were also applied to me (regarding my dad). What is really, truly, the biblical role of a daughter? (I think I know, but it is so hard to make sense of my experiences, to be confident that I know what the truth is when the people who have meant the most to me tell me continuously that I am believing lies and going astray). My brothers did not have the same expectation over their heads (as Christ is the covering of man, but man the covering of woman), and I am the only daughter in my family, very alone in my experiences.

What is the biblical role of a daughter?

This question breaks my heart, and I got pretty passionate answering it–kind of like I did in this post on how your husband does not have to get you ready for Jesus. You may also enjoy these:

I feel so ashamed to even ask, but I’ve struggling with attraction to a married man in our church. I’m a pastor’s wife, happily married with a bunch of kids. Yet for whatever reason I’m attracted to this other man. I even have sexual dreams and just can’t make it go away. It’s been 5 years. The shame and struggle is real and it’s causing me all kinds of issues.

I haven’t said anything to anybody until this moment. I’d love some suggestions on how to deal with this. I won’t lie, if you tell me Step One is to share this with my husband… well that might be a tough sell at this point! He is wonderful and I just want this to go away. I want to be faithful even in my thoughts so any insight would be so appreciated. I’m so weary of this.

Help! I'm a pastor's wife attracted to a married man

An important question, and I actually wish I had answered this at more length, but I was worried the podcast was getting long. I answered this at more length in this post: How do I prevent an emotional affair?

Okay, that’s it for this week! 

I’d love to know what you think about any of these questions. And if there’s a big discussion about one of them, I may turn that into a post for tomorrow!