I’d really like to change the conversation in the Christian church about lust.

We’ve been talking about it as “every man’s battle“, and this week on the blog, Keith explained why that’s not helpful. Yesterday I talked about how “bouncing your eyes“, the suggestion from Every Man’s Battle, inherently doesn’t work because it agrees with lust’s definition of women–that they’re dangerous. Today on the podcast, Keith joins me as we point to a healthier way to talk about lust. Listen in!

Main Segment: What if the problem with lust is not really about sex?

We talked in this segment about how I wrote about lust and Every Man’s Battle a few years ago  and people thought that I was being too hard on guys.

But here’s the thing: I believe that guys can be GOOD. I believe that men do not have to act in an ungodly way. I believe that men can be Christlike. In fact, I believe that MOST Christian men can be like this. And I hate the way that we talk about lust. But as Keith said, one of the bigger problems here is that we talk about lust as if it’s an attack on men’s purity, rather than a woman’s dignity.

The sin of lust is really about rejecting the woman as an image bearer of Christ, and making her simply into a sex object. Objectification means that you erase her. That’s the real sin. And interestingly, studies also show that that is the fix for lust: treat women as whole people. Keith and I had a great talk on this, and included some of what I found when I finally did read Every Man’s Battle a few weeks ago. I live tweeted it–you can read that thread here (and it went steadily downhill once I started!). (or click below to read the rest of the tweets)

And that Paige Patterson video that Keith was talking about? It’s linked in the article Keith wrote this week, too! Or you can watch it right here

Reader Question: Is it wrong to stimulate myself during intercourse?

A reader asks:

I’ve never thought about this being a problem until reading your blog but when my husband and I are intimate I use my hands to stimulate my clitoris in order to achieve orgasm, usually during intercourse, sometimes during foreplay, and sometimes after he finishes. Is this wrong, should my orgasms happen solely by my husbands touch?

I’m scared for what in my blog made you think it was wrong! Perhaps it was the post on masturbation in marriage, but I thought I made it clear there that touching yourself, when part of foreplay, etc., is fine! Anyway. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with this, but I think many women may also enjoy their husbands figuring things out. So guys–learn it!

You may also need to read:

When She’s Always Left Hanging
Women Deserve Orgasm, too
Why Women’s Fireworks Matter

Reader Question: Is PMS real?

Another reader wrote in with this:

I have a question about PMS… When I am pms-ing, I always notify my husband that if I’m a little on edge, then that’s why. I do my best to keep my outward actions and words in double check while I’m pms-ing to ensure that I don’t start ridiculous fights. However, lately, when I notify him that I’m pms-ing, he laughs, and is intentionally and obnoxiously annoying (he’s never annoying – quite the stick in the mud, actually). He tells me that PMS is not real, and that hormones don’t “rage”. And that I just use “PMS” to get away with being grumpy.
So my question is this: is PMS real or am I the only woman who can’t seem to keep my emotions level during this premenstrual time? And if it is real, how do I convince my husband so that we don’t part ways when I’m pms-ing and he is making fun of me? I can’t handle it anymore… I told him to ask any woman, and they will all tell him PMS is real, but his response is “of course they will. It’s a fantastic excuse!”
Please help….

Wow. Okay. Guys, that’s just not cool. PMS is real. Women go through a lot with periods, cramps, PMS, menopause, pregnancy. Please don’t make fun of us or act like it’s not real. That’s cruel.

You may also want to read:

PMS is Not Spiritual Warfare
Start Your Engines Podcast: On Periods Plus How to Tell if Sex Advice is Good


So what do you think? Do we talk about lust wrong? What would you say to the man who doesn’t believe in PMS? Whose wife brings herself to climax? Let’s talk in the comments!