How do you figure out how to initiate sex with your wife–especially if she doesn’t seem that interested in sex?

It’s podcast day on the blog today, and on the last Thursday of every month I run my podcasts specifically aimed at husbands (though I think women can listen to them, too!). I get a lot of requests from women to say things to men that I say here, so we thought that we would start doing that once a month.

But first, here’s the podcast.


Main Segment: How to Restart Your Sex Life

This month on the blog, on our Wednesday series, we’ve been talking about the different “stages of sex” in marriage. And one of the big things I mentioned was that, for many people, the honeymoon years just aren’t that great. You get married thinking that sex is going to be amazing, but for whatever reason, it isn’t. 

I wrote about this here:

So today we thought we’d talk to the guys who didn’t have those honeymoon years. How can you start again and go back to the beginning? We talked about how women really need three things from sex: intimacy; safety; and pleasure. And often they get none of them. To focus on pleasure, do check out the post on 10 tips if she’s never reached orgasm. But what’s really needed here is to have a conversation about how to restart, and that was the big thing that Keith and I stressed today.

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Reader Question: Why Won’t My Husband Initiate?

I started in with a question from a wife that I thought was worth commenting on. She asked:


My husband and I are recently married and we’re both fairly young. The last few months have been very frustrating for me. We’re both Christians but we did fall into temptation and became intimate before we were married. Before we were married it was hot and he initiated almost everything. But now that we’re married it’s like he never wants to have sex at all. Lately we don’t have sex unless I initiate. What do I do?

Great question! I talked about some of the reasons that sex may change once you’re married (including dealing with a pornographic view of sex), but then I launched into how men can initiate sex with their wives without turning her off.  Check out that post for more help.

Reader Question 2: My Wife Seems Like She’s Just Going Through the Motions

Here’s the opposite question: the husband is initiating, in all the right ways, but she just doesn’t respond.


​I’m in my late 40s, active, healthy with a very attractive wife of similar age. We are Christians and have sex on a semi regular basis. I find myself getting more frequently frustrated in recent years because I’m tired of doing things (in bed) the same old way. My wife never instigates, so I do it. I am affectionate with my wife and regular support and compliment her. We go out for dinner etc etc. I purchased your book , 31 Days…but she got offended. There’s no spice or a willingness to mix things up . I don’t think she needs it…but I do! I constantly think of my college days where the opportunity for sex was frequent but I didn’t take it because I was told and I believed Biblically ‘It was worth the wait’. I get the feeling that my wife goes through the motions… doing her duty. If I bring the topic up, it doesn’t go down well. The strange thing is we are in love and have a good marriage but I’m panicked about menopause and what time we have left.​

I get it! And I think the key is to learn how to have these conversations in a non-blaming way, but also to insist on having those conversations. I gave an example in the podcast.

I also promised I’d share these posts:

And if you want to have those conversations with your wife, do check out the Get Your Marriage On app!

It’s like marriage counseling on your phone, but in a fun way. You just watch a few quick videos, and then there are practical action steps you can take. Plus there are a ton of games (including Strip Battleship!), conversation starters (including 70 that I wrote), and more. Use the code TLHV when you sign up to unlock the conversation starters.

That’s it for the podcast today! I hope you listen in, and be sure to tell your husbands and guy friends about it! Each podcast I’m also going to do a draw for 31 Days to Great Sex and the 24 Sexy Dares to someone new on my email list, so be sure to sign up here!

Let me know: What’s the hardest part of starting conversations about sex with your spouse? 

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