You asked for it, and we thought it was time. Our men’s marriage podcast has launched!
Well, it’s not only for men. But the last Thursday of every month we’ll be talking primarily to the guys. I’ve had so many emails saying things to me like:
I love what you say, but I really need my husband to get it. Can you do a podcast for men, too? He won’t read the blog, but he does listen to podcasts!
And we thought it over and decided it was time. The podcasts aren’t JUST for men. Women can get a lot out of them, too! But we’ll be explaining to men how women think about sex and what women tend to need, and then going into questions that men primarily ask on the blog. There’s such a lack of healthy sex help in the Christian world that’s focused on anything beyond “have sex a lot or he’ll be tempted”, and I’m on a mission to fix that!
And since we crossed 100,000 listens to the podcast in the last few weeks, we decided to celebrate to launch it!
So I brought Keith on our inaugural men’s “Start Your Engines” podcast with me this week.
Main Segment: Understanding Female Libido
The majority of men are raring to go BEFORE they even start to make love. The majority of women, however, are not turned on at all until AFTER they start making love. The desire and arousal cycle is actually opposite for men and women.
In general, of course. It doesn’t work this way always. But since the majority of men who come to this blog are higher drive men with lower drive wives, that’s what I’m focusing on. If you’re in a marriage where the husband has the lower sex drive and the wife the higher sex drive, check out these series instead:
But here’s the big problem that we keep coming back to throughout this episode:
Because men’s sexual response is more automatic, we tend to see it as the “default”, as what is supposed to happen.
When she works differently, then, too often husbands can think that she isn’t sexual at all, or assume that the problem is that she doesn’t work like he does. That can leave him feeling rejected, while also trying to coax her along to be like him.
At the same time, though, she can also feel like something’s wrong with her. She assumes she’s not sexual, and that she’s somehow frigid. This makes her feel like a failure, and often makes her run away from sex.
I spend a lot of time on this blog trying to explain how our sex drives were made and why they were made that way, why our bodies respond the way they do (and why they don’t respond in other ways), and how to make sex work well.
But I think the first step to all of this is recognizing that while we don’t tend to approach sex in the same way, that does not mean that we are not sexual. And understanding the differences can help make sex great! So listen in as we explain this.
Reader Question: How Do I Get My Wife to Have More Sex?
Usually on podcasts I take a reader question and try to answer it, but today we thought we’d take the generic version of the most common reader question I get from men, which is simply that: Why doesn’t my wife want sex, and what do I do about it?
Now, the answer obviously varies depending on your situation. But Keith and I outlined three things that she needs to enjoy sex: safety, intimacy, and pleasure. We talk about each one in detail, and how they relate to emotional intimacy, spiritual intimacy, and physical intimacy–the three types of intimacy that sex encompasses. Understanding these things can help repair a sex life that’s missing something vital.
If your sex life is missing something, 31 Days to Great Sex is an excellent resource–and the ebook version is only $4.99!
Do you find it hard to talk about SEX?
Millennial Marriage: Do We Assume Women’s Sexuality is Somehow “Off”?
In a recent article I wrote about noticing vs. lusting, we got into the typical modesty debate about yoga pants. And in that hubbub, a man left a really interesting comment that Rebecca and I wanted to discuss. After talking at length about clothing that can be attractive to the genders, Rebecca chimed in and said that suits were often sexually attractive for women. He then replied with this:
How are women sexually aroused by something that covers up the ENTIRE body of a man, plus hides much of his physique?? Only a guy’s face and hands are visible in a suit – that’s it! No other skin is showing. Now the same can be said of a woman wearing yoga pants and some sort of torso-hugging shirt – no skin is showing. BUT there’s still a vast difference, because her shape is easily discernible. With yoga pants, guys know the shape of her butt, and can often make out other things (which I won’t mention to keep this G-rated). With a suit, oftentimes you can’t tell for example the shape of a guy’s butt! Yoga pants are SO much more sexual than a man’s suit.
Now if you still want to argue that a man’s suit is titillating, it is mainly because of what it signifies. It signifies status, intelligence, wealth, power, responsibility, ambition, etc. What these women you know are so excited about, but what they’re not consciously aware of, is the linking of these non-sexual attributes with sexual attractiveness. If it were purely SEXUAL, a shirtless attractive man would be more attractive, or a man in a tight workout body suit, for instance. Women constantly confuse and conflate non-sexual attributes with sexual ones. Another reason I know this: ask a woman at what age a man is VISUALLY most physically appealing, then step back and watch her think and squirm to come up with an answer. Ask a man, of any age, and nearly universally he will say, and say quickly, 21 (+/- 5 years). (This is documented truth.)
We focused on one of his sentences in the millennial marriage segment: “Women constantly confuse and conflate non-sexual attributes with sexual ones.” Tune in to see what we said!
And thank you to the Get Your Marriage On app for sponsoring this podcast.
Get Your Marriage On! The Marriage Counseling App that is Fast, Fun and NEVER BORING! Frankly, we could all use a tune up time to time. But it’s more than just counseling. It’s for any couple that’s looking to connect with their spouse better.
And I have to tell you, I was so impressed with the teaching in its resolving conflict module. If you’re having a decision that you just can’t make, or if you just can’t see eye to eye, Get Your Marriage On can help walk you through it.
They have sections on resolving conflict, feeling close and spending time together, of course sex!, and even starting marriage meetings so that you have a fun and natural time to talk about the things that come up over the course of the week. Your marriage is worth being amazing! And when you sign up, use the code TLHV to unlock 70 of my own conversation starters, many of which have never even appeared on this blog!
It’s so much resource in one small app, and it can give you new tools to communicate and see eye to eye. You can even write notes to each other and sync the apps together!
So thanks for joining us for our first Start Your Engines men’s podcast, which will now be a feature the last Thursday of the month (but again–women will enjoy it, too!). And if there are specific things you want us to cover, let me know in the comments!
As we said in the podcast, too, I’ll be giving away one copy of 31 Days to Great Sex and one of our Sexy Dares to two new subscribers to our email list this week, and I’ll announce it on next week’s podcast. So if you haven’t signed up yet, you can do so right here!
What questions do you have for us? Let’s talk in the comments!