I need your help to figure out how to help this woman who wants to be sexier.

I can’t do it myself, because Saturday, I did this:

 I was cutting an onion to make dinner when Connor and Rebecca came back to town for the weekend and after the first slice thought, “Wow, this knife is really dull.  I should probably get a better knife, this could be dangerous. But the better knife is in the dishwasher and would require being washed. Eh, this is fine.” And the second slice sent me to the ER.

Anyway, I’m just frustrated with myself because I had that whole sequence of thoughts and still used the freaking knife and now I can’t type (in fact, I am dictating this and Rebecca is typing it out and laughing at me and inserting some creative liberties). So I was going to answer this reader question today. But instead, since I can’t type, I want to give you the chance to give some thoughts! Here’s the question:

I’ve been married for a few months. My husband and I were both virgins on our wedding night. We both adore each other and the friendship aspect of our marriage couldn’t be better! In fact, the romance couldn’t be better. My husband is very physically affectionate, caring, and sweet with me. But when it comes to sex, I’m very interested in lovemaking all the time but he often would rather do anything else. (No history of porn use or molestation.) It is really painful to get turned down, especially since I thought I was giving him a wonderful gift that most husbands would love to receive! Finally the other day he let me know very kindly that it would really help him if I learned how to be sexy. He said, “I know you’ve spent your whole life in the purity culture learning NOT to be sexy.” and he’s right. I don’t know how! He mentioned that some girls with the way they act and carry themselves can make every man in the room want them. But what are they doing? Can you help me? I love my husband dearly and I know he loves me, but I don’t know how to turn him on. I’m willing to learn!

I think there are two separate issues here: First, her later question about how to be sexy is a perfect legitimate question that many people will have, and I’m actually planning on making our entire weekly challenge based on that question tomorrow. So if you have ideas/tips, leave comments about that, too! However, and Connor, Becca and I have been talking we also see a red flag with the first half of the question. Here’s our line of thinking:

  • He’s a young guy who was a virgin at the wedding and less than 6 months in doesn’t seem excited about sex anymore. However, it’s not that he says he has low libido, he says it’s that she’s not sexy enough. That, to us, is strange.
  • He’s comparing her to other women which makes us think that even if there is no porn use in his history, there’s definitely something wrong with how he’s talking about sex with his wife which likely means there’s something off in how he’s seeing sex.
  • It also may be that he has an image of sex and sexiness that involves feeling pursued–some women have a very flirty aura, they walk in and they give off the impression that, “I want you,” and it may be that he has this idea/fantasy in his head that that’s how sex is supposed to play out all the time in marriage, too. There’s nothing inherently wrong in wanting to be pursued. And so we’re also wondering, is he pursuing her? Or is he expecting a one-sided sexual relationship?
  • Although it doesn’t sound like it from the letter, it also may be that she truly is asking for sex in a way that is turning him off. Maybe when initiating, she acts younger in an attempt to be funny, silly or cute and he gets freaked out because it feels a bit like he’s talking to a teenager (and not wanting to have sex with a teenager is a very good thing!). I think if that’s the case he likely would have phrased it more as “When you ask for sex this way, I get uncomfortable” rather than “Other women are sexy and you need to learn from them,” but we thought it was an important point to consider. 
  • Finally, we were wondering if within this marriage, maybe this husband is simply more of a submissive type and wants to be the submissive one in the sexual relationship and doesn’t feel like she’s being dominant enough. Maybe to him, she’s not coming on strong enough when it comes to sex. Maybe they need to talk about what mutual sex looks like and honestly, I’d just recommend 31 Days to them because I really did write it to help couples who were in these weird communication breakdowns around sex. And hey–the online version is only $4.99 right now but it will be going up in price in 2020 because I just sold it to Zondervan! So get it now if you’ve been putting it off!

Need an easier way to have these conversations?

31 Days to Great Sex guides you through exercises so that you can talk about libido, frequency, intimacy, in a low-stress, easy way.

No blaming. Just solutions–and a whole lot of fun!

So those are our thoughts in a nutshell. What are yours? Let us know in the comments! 

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