Do we look at modesty all wrong? Is orgasm really necessary?

It’s time for a new episode of the To Love, Honor and Vacuum podcast! And we’re dealing with a whole lot of different things today!

I hope you all will listen, but if you don’t have time, I’ll have some links and rabbit trails below so you can read all you want as well!

And consider this podcast “extras”. If you want to go deeper into what I talked about in the podcast, here are some more things to help you.

But first, here’s the podcast:

Main Segment: Is Don’t Be a Stumbling Block the Proper Modesty Message?

Recently the modesty debate blew up again because a mom wrote an open letter asking the female students at Notre Dame, where her son studied, to stop wearing leggings because it’s so distracting.

Of course, everybody started the whole “are leggings pants?” debate again, and I really don’t want to comment on that. But I thought it was worth reiterating what I’ve already said about modesty, because it was an important post, and not everybody has read it. So I decided to base this week’s podcast on the post. Since some people prefer podcasts to posts, I thought it might reach a new audience.

If you haven’t read how “Don’t Be a Stumbling Block” is the wrong argument, you can do so here!

FB Dont Cause Man to Stumble - Modesty Revisited, Wedding Vows, and More!

From Why 'Don't Be a Stumbling Block' is a Really Bad Modesty Message:

We think of the “weaker brother” as being one who is more susceptible to sin. That is NOT who Paul considers the weaker brother. In this case, Paul calls the “weaker brother” the one who does not have as much knowledge and the one who is not as mature in the faith.

In many cases, teenage girls are being asked to change what they wear for the sake of adult men who are pastors, elders, even family members! When I was on Up for Debate radio on Moody recently talking about modesty, this scenario was presented:

What do we do when a woman who is seeking walks into church wearing something really inappropriate, like a skimpy sundress? How do we tell her that she’s a stumbling block?

My response: You don’t! Because in this situation, SHE is the weaker brother. The men are more mature in the faith. It’s her faith that God is most concerned with. He leaves the 99 to find the 1.

What if setting a modesty dress code actually becomes a stumbling block for women because it weakens their faith?

Millennial Marriage: The Traditional Vows Matter!

There’s a whole new trend to write your own wedding vows, and Rebecca and I are pretty adamant that the traditional ones matter. If you want to write your own, that’s fine, but say them IN ADDITION to the traditional ones. I once knew a couple that wrote lovely vows, but at the end of them, I realized they had forgotten anything remotely like “forsaking all others”. That’s kinda important.

I was talking about an article in Brides magazine with advice on writing your vows, which I find a little silly. “Don’t say always or never!” (Isn’t that what a vow is?) And I do think that weddings should be sacred, too.

Anyway, I’d love to hear what you think in the comments! And here are Katie and David’s vows, by the way (they said the traditional ones, and then they pledged specific ones that they wrote after–at around 9 minutes). And you may recognize the preacher here–he was in the picture of the team of us who went on the marriage retreat last weekend! He’s Tammy’s husband, Steeve, a chaplain in the Canadian military.

Reader Question: Is Orgasm Really Necessary?

A woman wrote in with this complicated question:

My husband feels that I’m depriving him of something vital if I don’t orgasm during sex. I’ve never faked an orgasm.I do wiggle around a lot and fake being sexually aroused, because he likes noisy sex, and it makes him orgasm faster. He seems to accept that as an indication I’ve enjoyed myself. I don’t tell him any different. The truth is, sex for me is no longer about chasing orgasms. Also, I can’t physically handle that level of stimulation anymore. I used to be very heavy, and everything was protected by layers of fat and skin. Now I’m thin, and everything is exposed, so to speak. So my question is this: is female orgasm required in order for a couple to have good sex? Should a female make an effort to orgasm merely to please her partner? My personal feeling on it is, the man always orgasms, so he gets what he wants. What’s the big deal if I don’t want the same thing? It’s not like HE can feel it.

Wow. A lot to process there. Two quick things: Don’t ever fake it. Ever. And not just don’t fake orgasm; don’t fake arousal, either. It doesn’t do you well in the long run, and it hinders intimacy. Sex is supposed to be a deep knowing; if you’re pretending, he can’t know you. And if you fake long enough, you’ll end up resenting him and resenting sex.

Finally, if your body has changed, maybe it’s time to figure out how to make sex work again? It CAN feel good–you just may need to try some things. And it’s worth it! 31 Days to Great Sex can take you step-by-step through rediscovering what feels good, and that may be a good idea for you.

Need an easier way to have these conversations?

31 DaysCoverHR - Modesty Revisited, Wedding Vows, and More!

31 Days to Great Sex guides you through exercises so that you can talk about libido, frequency, intimacy, in a low-stress, easy way.

No blaming. Just solutions–and a whole lot of fun!

COMMENT: Drawing boundaries works!

A great comment left this week after our post about speaking up when something is wrong in your marriage. She writes that when she started speaking up and drawing boundaries, her husband actually became far less harsh. Such an important point!

I felt like that for most of our 15 years of marriage, and even though I know my husband is a good guy, his harshness had really worn away at the intimacy of our marriage. I always felt like I was a kid in trouble and I hated that dynamic. I FINALLY went to counseling this year and she told me to ready Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend. Holy game changer!!! I highly recommend it. The next time he got upset with me (the kids’ messy game closet) I calmly said, “You may not talk to me like that. If this is really important to you, you can come find me and talk to me when you’re calm.”

And I walked away. Well guess what? He cleaned it up himself, then came and found me and apologized for his temper. I only had to call him out one more time, and he hasn’t been harsh with me in 3 months! I never thought this was possible. And the intimacy in our marriage is better than ever. We are having deep conversations and I feel like he is my “safe place” again. So don’t give up hope. God really can heal these hurts. But sometimes we have to let our husbands feel the consequences of their actions instead of absorbing all of the negativity ourselves.

Love that! Treat others with respect, but also treat yourself with respect. Don’t accept disrespectful behaviour towards yourself, or you’re enabling sin. 

That’s it for today! Hope you enjoy the podcast, and do listen in! And remember to rate it and leave a review, so other people will see it.

Anything stand out to you today? Let’s talk about it!

SheilaSidebarAboutMe - Modesty Revisited, Wedding Vows, and More! Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
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