What do you do if your wife sleeps with the kids instead of with you?

That’s a question I recently had from a frustrated husband–but it’s not the ONLY time a husband has written in like this. On the contrary, we get quite a few, and I’ve written about the drawbacks of cosleeping before.

He writes:

reader question icon - Ask Sheila: Help! My Wife Sleeps with Our Kids!

Reader Question

When our child was born 8 years ago, my wife started sleeping with the baby because we were having hard times. Things got better between us but my child had become used to sleeping with her. Four years later we had another beautiful child. That child began sleeping with my wife, too, and now she too has become attached to sleeping with Mom. I have been through one divorce with children due to substance abuse issues with my ex. I am staying with my current wife now only because I do not want to have another family destroyed by divorce. We have no private moments together, no intimacy. I almost forget what she looks like without clothing. What do I do?

Every time I have written about cosleeping and I’ve said that you really should sleep with your husband, I have had women really angry at me. Often they say that the men need to grow up. So I’m taking another stab at it in a video today:

For those who don’t have time to watch, here are some other posts on sleeping with kids:

Especially as kids grow, it isn’t healthy for them to become your emotional support.

It’s easy to feel as if your kids need you, and that can be very intoxicating. But when you sleep with them, you train them to associate you with sleep, and then it becomes very intimidating and fearful to try to sleep on their own. It’s just not a good dynamic to start. Children, too, need to feel confident that they are capable of coping without you, and that is a gift you can give them.

The biggest gift, though, that you can give your kids is a great marriage with their dad.

Do don’t choose your kids over your marriage! You need to reconnect with your husband.

If you have a hard time even knowing where to start, I have a FREE 5-part email course on emotional connection that you can take. Every Monday I give you a new suggestion–just one little thing you can do to start feeling emotionally connected again this week. Do these things for 5 weeks straight, and you’ll find that you’ll be able to talk a lot more easily. You’ll feel like you have more in common. And you’ll be able to tackle some of those harder things in your marriage!

When you share a bed with your kids and sleep with your kids instead of your husband

What do you think? Is cosleeping a good idea? When should you reclaim the bed just for you and your husband? Let’s talk in the comments!

SheilaSidebarAboutMe - Ask Sheila: Help! My Wife Sleeps with Our Kids! Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
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