What do you do when your spouse needs to lose weight–but they just won’t?
On Mondays I like to take a reader question and take a stab at answering it, and today’s is unique because it wasn’t a question exactly but a comment that a reader left on the blog in November that inspired this whole series.
She was talking about how her husband was so heavy that their marriage was missing out on passion and excitement that it could have had, not just because of sex, but also because he was lethargic and tired all the time. And so that’s what I decided to dedicate my Wednesdays series in January to (though I’m obviously talking about it not just on Wednesdays as well!).
I really got thinking about this in Costa Rica, where I saw this plant (and I talked about this in my original post last Thursday):
This is what a poinsettia is supposed to look like, when it’s in its proper environment. But here in Canada, we buy these tiny spindly poinsettias around Christmas that lose all their leaves, because they don’t have what they need to thrive.
Many of us are living lives that are much smaller than they need to be because we’re not giving ourselves the resources and environment we need to thrive.
And quite often that’s because of our weight.
Here’s part of what my reader said:
Reader Question
You can’t make your husband lose weight
Nagging won’t do it. Reminding them of their goals won’t do it. A person can only change themselves; you can’t do it for them.
You can, however, control what food is in your house.
Cookies, chips, pop, candy, junk food in general–there is no need to ever have any of that in the house. Even if your kids like it, they would be better off to not have it. And if you don’t eat it at home, then when you do go out, it can be more of a treat. And it’s okay to see those things as treats.
You can also make sure that you cook healthy meals (whether you’re the husband or the wife). If your spouse is obese, maybe you should take over the cooking for the family! There’s an awesome deal going on right now with the Healthy Meal Planning Bundle, where you get over $1000 of recipes and meal planning resources for just $37, along with shopping lists, prep lists, and more. It can help you get on the road to healthy without having to do too much research of your own. But the deal ends at midnight tonight!
What if your spouse eats out for breakfast and/or lunch?
You can pack him or her a lunch. And if you know that they’re eating out for breakfast, then you can adjust the calories that go into dinner to compensate.
Think about budgets!
Also, eating out costs a lot of money, especially over the year. If you calculate roughly how much money your spouse spends on eating out, then why don’t you offer this challenge:
If you can spend half of that this year, then we can buy a big ticket item that he wants. Maybe it’s something that you definitely don’t want (like a 4-wheeler, or a new hunting rifle, or something like that), but if it’s a big motivator, why not do it? Just go to a cash budget, leave the debit card at home, and then stick to your budget for eating out.
You can also influence outputs
Start going for a walk after dinner. Take up some active hobby, like cross country skiing. Or even buy your husband a Fitbit! Many men react well to them, because it’s kind of like a competition. Try to get your steps in for the day! And maybe your husband can even pace at work while he’s on the phone (if he has that kind of job) instead of sitting all day.
Those are just some thoughts, but I’ve written about this before:
And I just want to reassure you who are dealing with this, this is a legitimate issue. You don’t have to feel guilty for being upset if your spouse is very unhealthy. But at some point you’re going to have to give it to God. Do what you can. Try to keep having fun together. Be a good example. And pray hard.
And do check out the Healthy Meal Planning Bundle! You won’t get a chance after midnight tonight, and it is a great resource.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
We are starting to go through this, my husband is far from obese but he has health issues that mean any extra weight is a negative thing. I’m on the opposite spectrum, needing many calories to stay a healthy weight especially while breastfeeding. This makes meal planning interesting, and picking snacks difficult.
My husband is verbally committed to losing the weight, but he’s struggling in the follow through. I’ve been offering to exercise with him, and grabbing him healthy snacks when he gets the munchies.
It’s difficult to determine where helping stops and nagging starts though.
As an obese person, I can tell you it isn’t always about what/how much one eats or exercises. Sometimes there are medical issues (such as low thyroid) that must be addressed before weight loss is possible. Sometimes there are emotional issues that must be addressed before weight loss is successful. Spouse, be patient and loving. The overweight individual will need your support every step of the way.
You’re totally right when you say that the unhealthy spouse needs support and love every step of the way.
I think what can be frustrating to the healthy spouse, though, is that a lot of times arguments like “it isn’t about overeating or exercising, it’s about medical issues like low thyroid” are used in order to silence the healthy spouse’s pleas, hurt, and fears.
The reality is no one who goes on the show Survivor comes back heavier or even the same weight–they all lose weight. Because they’re all starving and participating in incredibly difficult physical tasks. NOW, obviously this isn’t ideal. And fast diets, starving, and the like are not healthy, either. But the point that weight is not about eating and exercising simply isn’t true.
Yes, some people are always going to be thicker than others, some are going to naturally be smaller, and things like hypothyroidism and PCOS and other issues can dictate the final result. But even in the case of those issues, much of the treatment includes an excellent diet and exercise. And having hypothyroidism or PCOS does not mean you are going to be obese–it simply means it’s more difficult to keep weight down. It’s not an automatic diagnosis of inevitable obesity. It’s not fair that some people have to work harder than others to stay healthy. But it is reality, unfortunately.
The healthy spouse DOES need to be supportive. But the unhealthy spouse also needs to not lay blame and take responsibility.
Wrong the body does not starve unless you go very long time without food and water. I am talking about many days . The body knows to eat the fat and actually the hunger goes away when you do s dry fast for a few days. It is actually super healthy. It heals the body and fully cleans it out. All my health problems are gone from fasting and doing dry fast sometime.
I never starved. Being hungry once a day for a few days is good cause it is sign the body is burning fat, at least going into ketosis. Life is not a out rushing to come hunger spells. Often people who claim they hungry in morning and at night did not stabilize the sugar the healthy way that day or the day before and they aren’t drinking enough water nor detoxing. Toxins make you hungrier cause they want carbs. I am a health coach and lost 85 lbs and never put it back on.
My husband of 26 years became obese about 20nyears ago. I often expressed my concern that his scoliosis in combination with his big tummy was pulling him into a bent position and I was so worried. For years and years, I carefully spoke to him, cried to him,sometimes became very upset. His personality changed drastically. His activity levels dropped and our beautiful house has fallen Into disrepair. I told him I think he had diabetes. He denied it until I got a sugar meter and tested the whole family. His sugar was almost 300. He was not serious about getting help never saw an endocronologist and ended up with acute pancreatitis. He was In icu for two weeks. Its a year later. His.life is still focused around food and he has gained all the weight he lost from sickness back. We can’t have sex he is not working properly and is very immobile. What am I supposed to do here. I feel like the only was out is to blow up my whole life
Honestly just go get a side dish. I’m a man, take care of my family have always been spiritual but I’ve realized that everyone in this world is selfish. My wife slept around before we were married and I was virgin, she swears it has never impacted her but it’s impacted me. She said once to me it’s to hard to lose weight. Well I’m super fit, always work out and literally only eat nuts on some days or less to stay looking amazing. You and I should get together because people like our spouses don’t care, why should we?
I’m so glad to see this post. I’ve had to deal with this situation of blaming the lack of weight loss on a low thyroid. I remember talking to a lady who I regularly saw exercising 90 minutes on a stair climber and she thin and confided in me that she had a low thyroid.
Some people do lose weight easier and some people recognize the value of eating to live versus LIVING TO EAT.
My wife’s been slowly but constantly gaining weight for years. Twenty years ago when we were younger and both exercising on a regular basis, I gave my wife pointers on how to amp up the intensity her work out and she blames me for interfering with and messing up her routine. Today, she still points to those times and blames me for her broken and inconsistent work out routine. For this reason, we can’t discuss working out or lifestyle changes, although I’ve maintained a relatively healthy diet and exercise regularly.
My wife is now starting to have joint pain, and we can’t go out too long because she gets tired and irritable. Her situation with obesity effects every area of our life in regards to a healthy and sexual life style.
Try hormone replacement pellets
Ok, most reasons why there are health issues is because of getting obese and living unhealthy in the first place those issues are a result of poor life choices. So don’t make excuses for folks.
I urged my Husband for 15 years to get looked at for hypothyroidism and he refused. Now, he has hit a wall of reduced functioning that is unbelievable.
I also have hypothyroidism, and work to keep myself as healthy as possible. My Husband undermines MY efforts.
I think a partner should be empathic and understand a partners struggle.
I am a stroke and cancer survivor too!! Not all can be excused away.
Nutrient deficiencies and chemical exposures are a huge part of hypothyroidism. Some things cannot be changed, but we must try to change those within our power!
I would like to share a resource that I was just alerted to by my friend. She is an author and just released her latest book that is totally relevant to this topic. I have not read it, but I trust my friend and I am confident her writing will help you.
The Freedom To Eat
Best Wishes to all who struggle with this topic
Well – my link didn’t work – The book is Called The Freedom To Eat by Jackie Trottman if you want to look for it – you can find on Amazon.
I never reached morbidly obese, but went well into obese. It was the side effect of a medicine I had been taking for a year.
My main motivation to lose weight was: I was feeling low for other reasons, and I desperately needed to make myself feel better: physically, emotionally, in my skin, confidence-wise. Healthy eating and regular exercise are extremely unpleasant in the beginning, but they quickly start making you feel stronger, giving you pleasure hormones, giving you feeling of success and satisfaction.
And I also wanted to make myself more attractive for my wife, and to show her that I am capable of willpower and change.
That’s awesome, Dean!
And yes, some medications definitely make the weight pile on if we’re not careful, especially anti-depressants and even steroids. I’m so glad you’ve managed to lose some weight!
Thank you so much for this! I don’t really need to lose weight, but I really want to be more active this year and build up strength. My husband, on the other hand, seriously needs to lose weight, and he has recognized that fact, especially after doing a strenuous activity like hiking or dancing has worn him out. The problem is that he does not have very much self-discipline or internal motivation. We had a conversation about being healthier the other day, and he basically told me that if he were still single he wouldn’t care about being healthy at all. He enjoys food too much, so he would rather be happy and risk being unhealthy later in life. However, he said that he wants to be healthier because he is married and wants to be there for me and our future family. He has said before that he wants to be more active and eat healthier, and he would do it for a little while. But, then he wouldn’t keep going with it. I am really discouraged because I want him to be healthy and able to enjoy life together for a long time, and if I’m honest, it has also been affecting my desire for intimacy with him.
I understand, Sam. It is hard. And thank you for acknowledging that your husband also doesn’t have the energy to do things that would be fun for the two of you. That’s also what I want people to see. It’s not just about sex; it really isn’t. It’s about your whole life, and your quality of life together. This really does affect the other spouse.
I think the key is just to find hobbies that you do together, once a week, even if you have to be the initiator. And then keep the food in your house healthy!
Something I have thought of is that a large amount of weight seems so much more impossible to really lose. I find myself getting discouraged because of the weight I gained in the last couple of years. I don’t have just 10 or 15 to lose anymore! It’ll take longer than just a few weeks. But I just saw a really cool YouTube video by Mind Over Munch that was about monthly resolutions. It talked forming one new habit in January, and one in February, one in March, and so on. I love the concept! My January resolution is WAY less sugar. Maybe in February I’ll try to start working more movement into my workday. Maybe small changes would easier to get a spouse on board with?
I love that idea Ashley. That’s what I’ve suggested to my husband as well. But it depends on the spouse. I find that for my husband, making monthly resolutions doesn’t keep him anymore motivated than making one bigger resolution at the beginning of the year. He loses steam and gives us either way, whether or not he has another chance at another month to redeem himself. I think, for him, he just doesn’t care enough to lose the weight at the moment. But every person is different, and I think this strategy could help a lot of people more than on big New Years resolution.
That’s a great thought, Ashley. I actually think goals that are more tied into actions that results are helpful. And small habits, like “I’ll only eat something when I’ve put it on a plate” or “I’ll measure out my sugary foods at the beginning of the day and that’s my quota for the day” are actually much more doable than “I’ll lose 10 pounds this month.” It’s the habits that matter. Small things that can build on themselves, and that become natural so that we can keep doing them.
Thanks for this article, Sheila. It was really helpful and reassuring for me to see your response in video form too.
One thing I’ve known for a long time but have really come to terms with in the past couple months is that I will never be able to change my husband and his relationship with food, eating and exercise. He’s struggled with these as long as I’ve known him, and even though he repeatedly told me he wanted to change and he wanted my help, I’ve now come to terms with the fact that talk is cheap and actions are all that matter concerning this topic. A spouse can talk about how they hate being fat and want to get fit and healthy till they’re blue in the face. My husband always says “I know my words won’t mean anything until I can back them up with actions.” That’s how he ends every conversation we ever have about his weight. And then he never backs it up with actions year after year, sometimes getting even fatter instead. SOOO frustrating!!! I’ve given our whole situation to the Lord and trust that everything we’re going through now is just a huge learning experience and something to add to our testimonies (mine included as his spouse), and that hopefully this will strengthen not only my relationship with the Lord but his as well. Until then, I’ve resigned myself to trying to be content in all phases of life, enjoy the time we’ve been granted together right now (while he’s still mostly physically able and in decent health), and am trying to make myself more apathetic to his weight and our quickly passing youthful years so that everything I’ve written about in previous comments doesn’t hurt so much.
Whilst I agree with everything you say here, Sheila, there is something I find a bit curious about this particular question. It sounds as though the writer & her husband are young and fairly early in their marriage perhaps even as yet without children. Which leads me to assume that she probably married him when he health/weight was not too different than it is now.
In which case, my sympathy wanes somewhat!
Your husband is what he is. At some stage you have to come to terms with the fact that you chose him AS HE IS. Your job now is to make the marriage work as best you can.
Work on yourself and your health and your relationship with God. Do your bit towards making your family and home a happy, healthy environment- a place that promotes emotional wellbeing and physical health. And leave the rest with God.
In relation to the Fitbit, an even more ‘manly’ option is a Garmin gps watch. I got one for Christmas and have found it so encouraging in helping me move more! And it has some great GPS features too! If your guy loves gadgets, and *has already shown an interest in getting fitter/healthier* then I highly recommend a watch from the Garmin Fenix 5 range!
Such an excellent post/series Sheila, I haven’t even watched the video yet, but I am loving your advice! Tying in the budget and people actually being able to SEE that their gluttony is what is stopping them from getting that new hunting rifle is a great way to build personal motivation!
Also, that poinsettia picture has REALLY made me want to put some in my garden! I actually live in the right climate to grow a great poinsettia, so that is now one of my goals! 😂
Seriously? YOu could grow one like that? Wow.
It’s always been a fantasy of mine to have a lemon or a lime tree in my garden. THAT, to me, says luxury.
I used to have a gorgeous lime tree in my yard, that produced bucketloads of fruit, until the darned termites ate it 👿. There’s always something when gardening!🙄
One plant on my Wishlist is an avocado tree. That is a dream of mine, to have a big tree and be able to eat ALL the avocado I want! LOL!
Oh, an avocado tree! Where they would actually ripen on the tree? Does that happen? If it does, what does it taste like? I can’t imagine! Oh, now I have another dream…..
Avocado trees do produce fruit that ripens on the tree, but it takes many years for the tree to mature to that state… a whole 10 years I believe. My grandmother-in-law used to have a huge beautiful avocado tree in her backyard in the Central Valley of California and it was at least a decade old, probably two. She said there were many many years after she planted it that no fruit was produced or the quality of fruit it produced was puny and insignificant. Even in ideal conditions like California, they’re still very finicky to grow.
Oh, I’m going to have to check that out!
When I saw the post title, I was hoping you’d be addressing broader health concerns than just weight. My husband is overweight/borderline obese, but a bigger problem for us is his alcoholism. No matter who talks to him and despite his DUI, he doesn’t think he really has a problem. I would love for you to address that perspective at some point: My spouse is emotionally unhealthy; how do I deal with that and how do I deal with our sexual relationship in the midst of that? I have searched the archives and haven’t found anything aimed at addiction (other than pornography).
Oh, Laura, that’s such a hard topic, and definitely an important one. Alcohol addictions can be so serious.
The thing about long-term heavy alcohol use, even if you’re not “drunk” all the time, is that it can actually change the personality for the worse permanently, too. I don’t know if people realize this. But if you’ve been drinking heavily for decades, even when you’re sober you often have a very quick fuse, and you can be quite mean. And quitting alcohol doesn’t reverse it. I’ll think about writing a post on that, too. Thanks for bringing it up!
Bitterness and resentment can be a bigger hindrance to passion than whether our spouse is overweight or not. I’m troubled that many of these comments from women (on this post and the former ones) use terms such as “gluttony”, “laziness” and “lacking self control”. We would be rightly upset if men described their wives in these terms, so please can we show some kindness and understanding when it comes to our husbands? Obesity is a complex issue and if you’ve been fortunate enough not to have personally struggled with it, count your blessings.
We took our husbands for better or worse, in sickness and in health, and even if they are destroying their health through unhealthy habits, we should be careful about casting the first stone. Having struggled to keep my weight down over the years (and I rarely touch junk food and tend to choose whole foods) I would be deeply hurt if my husband told me I was unhealthy or lazy or lacked self control and certainly wouldn’t be motivated to change. We have the choice: to love our husbands unconditionally and pray for them, or to belittle them and build resentment and anger and potentially destroy our relationship.
I understand what you’re saying, Jules, but gluttony is a real sin. And so is laziness. The Bible warn against them often. And self-control is a fruit of the spirit.
We need to be able to say the truth about what’s happening. If you’ve struggled with your weight but you have been working to maintain a healthy lifestyle, then those words definitely don’t apply to you! And if your spouse came to you and called you lazy, you could say, “Although I struggle with my weight, here are deliberate steps I’m taking that show I am exercising self-control and not living a lazy, gluttonous lifestyle.” But for many of the wives commenting, their husbands could not say that.
A lot of people are married to spouses who are truly lazy and gluttonous and doing nothing about it. Or they want to change, but lack the self-control to do so and aren’t exercising that spiritual discipline to improve their self-control. We need to be able to both be cheerleaders to people who are on the journey towards health no matter where they are currently, but also speak truth to people who are living in a way that is opposite to what God wants. And gluttony and laziness are real things that are warned about in the Bible, and they have more to do with your heart than with the amount of weight you have. But the weight can in many cases be the physical manifestation of these spiritual issues.
So true! And I’m quite aware, too, that because I have a good metabolism, I may “look” like I’m not lazy when I actually may have been quite lazy for a few weeks. You can’t always go by what someone looks like at all. But when a spouse is hurting themselves by becoming obese (and obesity is a major cause of health problems, including joint replacement issues, etc.), due to overeating and laziness, it does matter. I don’t think we should all judge each other, but we do need to be able to tell the truth. I just feel for spouses in these marriages who feel helpless because their husbands or wives won’t address this.
You would be hurt because you are actually showing some self control. Funny how people on one side say just put up with it and the other side is like I’m dying I wish I had more passion. So how can it be the fault of the person who wants passion? It’s not, and yes the fat spouses are lazy. To be fit takes self control, discipline etc. if you can’t then you suck and should be treated as such. What about porn and other things I guess all those are also ok as again it’s just who we are right? Accept me. Accept me or leave says the losers. Guess what after years of that the Healthy person will also finally choose their vice and tit for tat. So sad but it’s reality no one, no one can just sit there and hate their life. Men or women. We will find passion somewhere. The fat body is just evidence they don’t care. So who left the marriage first duh? The tight rope I walk is I keep my family together and love my wife and take care of her financially and even physically and sexually but I want more. I make my wife cum so good but she basically just puts her p in the air for me. She tried but not hard enough.
“Cookies, chips, pop, candy, junk food in general–there is no need to ever have any of that in the house.”
When I read this line, Sheila, I was ready to fight you. Just kidding. Haha but then I really liked what you said in the video about the Christmas candy. We got a lot of candy over Christmas as well. We also still have some candy leftover from Halloween and even (get ready for this) Easter. I am a big fan of freezing chocolate and pulling some from time to time for us to enjoy. And that’s why I was ready to “fight” you when I first read that line. I don’t think there is anything wrong with having treats in the house. We almost always have ice cream in the freezer for example. And I love to bake (although my husband likes to make jokes about me not doing it very often). It’s fun to surprise the kids on occasion with a piece from the chocolate stash when they’ve finished all of their dinner or behaved really well when we go out. I definitely think there are people who need to keep that kind of stuff out of the house especially when they struggle with weight, willpower and moderation issues. But I don’t think keeping a small stash of treats in the house is a bad thing for everyone. I personally love the fact that I know it’s there but can stay away from it and even forget about it except for when we decide to indulge as a family. It’s actually really empowering.
I don’t know if you noticed but I am specifically championing chocolate, ice cream and baked goods. 😉
I swear it’s health related, it just goes backwards. Any advice for when you’ve tried your best to set a budget, but your spouse won’t budget with you? All those random meals out (alone) either when dinner was waiting at home or there’s a bunch of easy things to cook/heat up for lunch but they rarely feel like making something, really start to add up. (I cannot always be there to cook for them.) I have tried adding an additional snack (already do packed lunches) for after work, but then half the time they will still get one of those giant sodas from the gas station; making it a third caffeinated and high sugar soda for the day. They also pick up chips from the store when we were only missing an ingredient for a healthy dish, and we keep healthy snacks around the house of their choosing. A can of caffeinated soda is their breakfast every day, their cup of coffee I guess. I cannot find a way to inspire them to move on their days off, and they are definitely putting on weight. While they notice it too, and all of these things have been brought to their attention, it’s always put off until “someday.” Their only slight interest that would involve being more active is the outdoors, but the weather where we live is most often at one extreme or the other, providing an excuse. Suggestions?
Sounds like my husband. Honestly, I think it all comes down to their spiritual state. And you as the spouse can only do so much. As the saying goes, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.
Instead of trying to help my husband focus on his diet and exercise and overall lifestyle, I’m instead spending this year focusing on my own spiritual growth and encouraging him to do the same. This week, we both started going to men’s and women’s groups at our church. I’m really hoping and praying that that helps not only me but also him increase his biblical knowledge and further his relationship with the Lord, which ideally will in turn create a change in him where he sees the error of his lifestyle choices in the past and has the motivation needed to become and healthier and more whole individual.
Having watched other couples struggle with this issue for years, I don’t believe it is possible to make someone become healthy unless they want to do it themselves.
Some people’s ‘default’ state is to eat healthily, watch their weight, exercise, and it takes an extreme change in their life to alter that behaviour. For other people their default state is to just eat without much thought, prefer more sedate activities, and accept whatever weight they are as a given. For the latter group, it takes an extreme change to alter this behaviour (and it is rarely permanent).
I would suggest this is mostly learned behaviour from childhood and most of the population fall into the second group. I was taught about nutrition and cooking at a very young age, helped out in the kitchen, was encouraged to take part in active hobbies and I spent most of my free time outside. As an older adult, I don’t enjoy junk food, automatically watch my diet and feel terrible if I sit around too much. The only time I’ve put on significant weight as an adult was after serious injury prevented me from exercising and I was put on steroids for a year. The moment I was able to move/eat normally, the weight fell off without much effort. I do not have a high metabolism. If anything, it is below average. But my ingrained behaviour since childhood keeps me fit and active. I don’t have cravings for junk food that I have to battle against and going to the gym or dance class isn’t a chore any more than brushing my teeth or washing my hair.
Most of my friends of similar age are overweight. Many of them were thinner than me in their 20s and 30s simply because they were taller or had a naturally fast metabolism that could deal with chips, soda and sweets. Once they hit 40 and their metabolism slowed, they struggled to change their lifestyle/diet to one like mine in order to keep the weight off. Exercising regularly, staying away from sugar/junk, eating less calories, is new behaviour for them and very hard to stick to for longer than a few months. I am regularly asked how I manage to keep the same size/weight, but it is normal for me. I don’t need to ‘diet’ because my normal way of eating is healthy.
I am presently in a situation where my wife and I were very happy for years.
And then I really started to look at my wife’s body and no longer found that same enjoyment and excitement that I used to.
After 3 kids and 17 years of marriage (we married @ 25), and roughly 20 lbs heavier, she has effectively let herself go.
I am still in good physical condition and had expected, when marrying her, that she would do likewise. Throughout our marriage she has only exercised sporadically and not regularly enough to lose the extra lbs.
Although her features are still beautiful to me, I have seen my sexual attraction to her plummet over the past 2 years to the point of not wanting any more sex. In fact, I told her as much 15 months ago and she has not taken the steps to incorporate the lifestyle change that I believe will save our once happy union.
Her health has also started to suffer. She currently has arthritis in both of her shoulders and has a lingering injury from the gym that prevents her from working out further.
I have tried to be as supportive as I can but it is not easy to stay up every night wondering and everyday thinking if separation would be a better option than staying with someone to whom you are no longer sexually attracted.
I have reached out to her many times over the entire length of our marriage, trying to encourage her to stay healthy. I want us to grow old together in good health. I now am depressed all of the time to the point where neither my work nor home life is happy. I am tired of being unhappy with the one person I thought would never be unhappy with. I need a firm commitment from her that she will try… even slowly… to get back in shape.
Otherwise, for my sanity and hers and our childrens’, I might have to leave.
Suffering husband and family
Dear ‘G’, I am a woman who’s husband is the male counterpart to your wife. He is a sweet, kind man who totally turns me off with his fat belly and lethargic demeanor. His health problems are clearly exacerbated by weight and there are a million excuses not to care for himself. I have given up, moved into the guest room, go out dancing without him and have a wonderful time. I am considering moving to another home when I can afford it. Thanks for listening, there is really nothing that can fix the problem.
I feel for you man, I really do, I mean that. Your story has many many similarities to mine. Like you, I know how heart breaking It is to have to live like this.
I’m in shape and my wife is not. I’ve tried to discuss this and be patient and to communicate and stay the understanding husband and I have given her years to try to get in shape and it just doesn’t happen.
When someone refuses to eat the correct way they get overweight. When someone repeatedly (years and years) eats a massive meal and then goes to sleep they gain weight. When someone is not active they get and stay overweight. When someone refuses to exercise several days a week and they refuse to live an active lifestyle and they do nothing other than work they get and stay fat.
I’m not expecting a models body. I know we all have gotten older. I’m not demanding that she be skinny, I don’t even want skinny, I do not like skinny. I want in shape not overweight.
I have tried to be supportive and give compliments and ask if she needs or wants help. I have tried to get her to do physical activities with me. I have tried to get her to workout with me. I’ve pleaded, I’ve begged, I have even tried to bribe…. that’s how desperate I am to try to save my marriage. I have tried as many things as I can think of. I have even tried things that I did not list in this post. I have read online examples of what you can do to help your spouse not be fat and none of them work.
I have come to terms that if someone wants to be fat then that is what they will do, nothing you or anyone else can do to make someone else not be fat and overweight. Just like how you can’t stop alcoholics and drug addicts and gambling addicts and all other vices.
I love my wife and I’m still in love with her. She is a great girl and I want to be with her forever. We are so great together and I love so many things about her.
This situation has made me depressed. It has made me miserable. It has made me feel bad for thinking this and being this way. I have blamed myself and I hate myself for not being physically attracted to my overweight wife and I blame myself and it makes me feel even more depressed and even more miserable. I am depressed and miserable and I do not want to say anything mean to her and I do not want to hurt her feelings in any way and that’s a part of why this situation makes me hate myself which makes me more depressed and angry at myself.
I’m still young and in shape and I still want to have “fun” (spouse relations) and I do not want to be celibate for the rest of my life. I would like to be physically attracted to my spouse.
The way I see it I have two options. I can stay and be miserable and sad and depressed and perhaps that will eventually led to me ‘checking out’ of the hotel of life (which I’d rather not do) or I can get divorced which I’d rather not do. The kids are in high school, if they were younger divorce wouldn’t be an option.
The way I see it is either way it’s a lose lose scenario.
Getting divorced means losing everything I’ve worked for my entire life and losing my family my kids and my wife and Losing half of the money I’ve worked very hard for.
Obviously when men get divorced in this country they lose everything no matter what, that’s just standard operating procedure in divorce court.
All of this could be easily repaired if she lost weight and exercised that the real tragedy here.
Twenty pounds overweight and you are complaining?? You need your head examined. My husband is almost a hundred pounds overweight due to the issues mentioned above, gluttony, laziness, etc. And you need to remember something. Men do not have hormonal changes like women do from having children. Men have no excuse for massive weight gain. And 20 pounds is nothing.
I do buy healthier foods & options for snacks but he ignores them & buys what he is craving anyway on his own. I firmly believe that despite his own unhappiness with his weight & health, he will not change his eating habits without psychological help to change how he thinks about food. And if I even point out things like a quart of chocolate milk (which he downs in one sitting) having 800 calories & 100 g of carbs he just feels criticized. But he won’t look at nutrition labels! Arrrgghh!
My husband has been gaining weight for years. He wants to be thinner but refuses to exercise at all, even walks. I make healthy dinners and breakfasts which he usually complains about even though everyone else who tries says they taste great. He will only eat pancakes or muffins for breakfast which I make as healthy as I can, and he complains about anything that isn’t burgers, pizza or quesadillas. I give him back and foot massages every night because his body hurts from the weight, and we can never be intimate because he has no stamina. I am at the point that I want to give up, but if I do I know I will be taking care of a morbidly obese person the rest of my life. He wants the change but is completely unwilling to work for it and I don’t know what to do
I’m sorry, Sarah. I wish this were easier. I know there are so many people in your situation. I may use your comment to start a blog post telling people they need to take this seriously for their spouse. I will say that you don’t have to enable him. IF he insists on burgers, pizza, etc., you can tell him that he has to make it himself. Same with pancakes and muffins. And you can model what it’s like to be healthy. But I am sorry.
The part in the video where you mentioned that a lot of us will end up being caretakers to our spouses freaked me out. My husband and I have had a very difficult year and on top of that he has not made any progress losing weight. He has been talking about losing weight for 7 years. I just turned 30 and feel like I have wasted 5 years of my life being married to him. I want out. But then I’m a bad Christian if I want a divorce. There’s too many other issues in addition to the weight issue. I’m suffocating.
I’m so sorry, Kate. That’s very difficult. I do know that weight is such a multifaceted issue, and many people eat because they have other deep-seated problems, and until those are dealt with, it’s hard to deal with the weight. Also, people don’t really work on it until they decide it’s time, and you can’t make someone do that. But you can speak up for yourself, and you can let him know how much this is hurting you.
You may also want to see a counselor if you’re feeling that desperate. Even marriage counseling together to try to find the issue that is at the heart of this.
We are in counseling and I am wanting to switch counselors. I have reached a point where I am repulsed by my husband’s weight and I don’t want to have sex with him anymore. Is there a limit to how much longer I have to put up with it? Is it appropriate to just refuse having sex with him and tell him it’s no longer enjoyable for me until he makes a serious effort? It feels hugely unfair to me that as a Christian he is the only person I’m allowed to have sex with and he’s ok with looking like this for me.
My husband of 5 years is a big man ( 6’4”) and he weighed about 250 when we married. 5 days before the wedding he had a heart attack. He said that he wanted to get healthy So that we could be together for 50 years. We were Both in mid 40s and it was our second marriage for both of us. We were physically active and he said that we would get healthier together. He continued to gain weight and eat horribly in healthy. I am diabetic and would ask him to try harder because it was hard on me to be around such unhealthy foods. My will power has its limitations. I tried to make it about my health also to encourage him to change. With in the year he gained 60+ lbs. He had to have a hip replacement followed by a second one with in that year. His doctors told him he had to lose weight or he could die from his heart. He loser 30-40 lbs for each of his surgeries within a month. Who can do that at 48? He promised to walk with me in evening-?never happened. Last year he fell and broke his wrist horribly trying to catch his weight of 350lbs. The doctor said I can fix your hand but you really have to fix yourself because at this point you are going to die before your hand heals. His cardiologist told him that his heart ejection fraction was so low that he needed to have a defibrillator placed. That was eight months ago and he has gained another 50 pounds. I cried and ask him how he could not care enough about his health to you want to stay with me. Am I a bad wife to not want to stand by to watch him kill himself? Am I horrible to not desire him intimately when it’s not physically possible to have sex? My husband now weighs 400 pounds plus 😞
Oh, Lisa, I’m so, so sorry. That’s just heartbreaking. So many people in the Western world are eating themselves to death.
Usually eating has reasons other than just food. It could be that he’s battling many other things. I’m so sorry. And, no, you don’t have to have sex if it’s physically impossible.
Lisa, I have no idea if you’ll see this, but your story resonated with me so deeply! I’m in my second marriage and he was maybe 50 lbs overweight when we met. I was actually surprised by how attracted I was!! I have always been thin, if not fit. I’m moderately active. As soon as we started dating, the health issues started. He was hospitalized with kidney stones (meat heavy diet, dark cola, sweet tea). In 2014, rushed to er on Christmas Eve for pulmonary embolism, referred to blood specialist and cardiologist. He was supposed to do full stress test, but had cough, so they rescheduled…he never did it! Never went back to cardiologist. Fast forward to 2020…after 2 more er visits, he’s on blood pressure meds, blood thinner, cholesterol med, you name it! He finally goes to a cardiologist bc he’s having chest pain…he’s told his ejection fraction in under 25%! Back in 2014 it was 40. Y’all… it’s supposed to be 60-65%! All this time his habits/addictions are tobacco dip, beer, sodas, fast food…heavy on processed meats, cheeses, bread, fried, no veggies, no exercise. He has blown up to over 300lbs. Any little physical activity leaves him in pain. He moves like he’s 80. And sex?? It’s utterly changed for me, as you can imagine. It’s not just that physically it’s impossible to do what we used to, it’s not just being turned off by obesity…it’s also the fear of his life ending, It’s feeling betrayed, It’s the loss of respect and trust, it’s the lack of integrity and morality in his life choices. This issue erodes everything that is supposed to grow and be nurtured and cultivated in ourselves and each other through the bond of marriage. I go back and forth between seething rage and dismissive apathy…how am I to care more about him than he is willing or able to care for himself!? Btw, after the first big health scare in 2014…I started working out (praying I could “be the change”), cleaned up my diet, ultimately going vegan for myself and my kids in 2017. He has changed NOTHING.
I am a wife that is struggling to meet my husbands expectations in this area. I’m not obese by any means. In fact, 8 years and three kids later I weigh less than I did when we got married by almost 20 lbs. I could stand to lose another 10-15 though. He’s tried to talk to me about it. I know I should work at it but a lot of the time my day gets away on me and I’m just plain exhausted from parenting three young children and homeschooling as well as cooking supper and keeping the house in reasonable order. My husband is wonderful and helps with cleaning, bathtime etc. Which helps but leaves me feeling guilty that I’m not getting things done/not taking care of myself.
I need help building a routine that includes exercise but at the same time resent it as I go on fairly long walks with the kiddos at least 3 times a week. I’ve never been athletic but have always loved being outside, walking, biking, working.
I feel like I’m under a cloud of feeling like I’m letting him down. He’s talked to me like the men a few posts above wrote. In fact reading those leaves me feeling sad that this is how my husband feels. He always says he just wants me to tone my body. I so dislike weightlifting and repetitive movements like that. They bore me to tears!!! He’s also a healthier eater whereas I grew up eating a lot of junk food. I cut back quite a bit but it’s crept in again. I want him to be happy and to be happy with me I just can’t seem to get it together enough to make any lasting change that he can see to show I’m taking what he has said seriously. I don’t want pity. I want to be better and to change but words don’t cut it. All the advice in the world doesn’t seem to help either yet I know I need help.
April, I really think you are describing a different situation than what we’re talking about. You’re saying that you’re only 10-15 pounds overweight? AT that point, with three young kids, you’re doing amazing! If he is destroying your self-confidence and body image, he is the one doing harm here. Please know that this doesn’t apply to you. It really doesn’t.
I’m talking about people who are 80-100 pounds overweight, not 10-15. It may be a good idea to ask why it is that your husband expects you to have a perfect body after you’ve given him 3 kids, and that he thinks this is okay to talk about? That actually is an issue, and I am sorry that you’re going through this!
Hi, Everyone but especially SLS and Guest0987654321
This is G with an update on my situation.
Firstly, thank you for your thoughtful replies.
Your comments were so heartfelt in my time of need and really brightened up my day when I read each of your replies. My heart goes out to you both and everyone suffering in this post.
My story continues and my life has taken on a new path.
I am now in the process of separation with my wife.
After trying everything from stopping all sexual activity for almost a year, arguing with her until she saw a personal trainer (gym) for several months, leaving the matrimonial bed to sleep in another room, taking about 6 weeks out of the summer of 2020 to get away from the home and visit my father, the constant arguing and shouting eventually took its toll on the marriage.
During these COVID times and with us both working from home, we became distant to the point that we barely communicated with one another for fear of having another argument.
Even our teenagers got involved and suggested that we separate on multiple occasions.
We started to see a marriage counselor to try to resolve our problems. Unfortunately, it proved to be too little to late to save our marriage as the anger and bitterness on both sides became irreversible.
I am glad that I stood up for myself and finally had the courage to pull the plug on my marriage. When a home becomes dark and everyone would rather be somewhere else, and no amount of begging and pleading will change your spouse’s desire to not work out, you need to make a move.
Forget about the house. It is just a house and you can buy another one. Your teenagers will love you more for doing the right thing. If you do decide to separate or divorce, at least make that decision jointly and quickly before it gets cantankerous and then the lawyers get involved. If mediation is something that you see as a possibility, then that might be a better option. Communicating with your spouse (and teenagers) during the process will be your best way to avoid even more grief.
I will touch base again when I can.
Thx,
G, if I can chime in here, I’m glad that you’re keeping communication open with your teens. But just because your teens wanted you to separate does not mean you are in the right. They may simply have been tired of all of the fights.
You’re saying that you’ve lost sexual attraction to your wife because she has gained 20 pounds and won’t go to the gym? That describes the vast majority of women. And to gain only 20 pounds after having 3 kids is actually doing really well!
Perhaps the reason that your wife treated you badly is because you withheld love from her because she didn’t live up to your expectations. Rejection often fuels conflict. You vowed to love her, and from what I’ve seen, you haven’t.
The only things that she has done wrong to you is that she doesn’t work out and she’s gained weight. And in return, you withheld sex; told her repeatedly that she wasn’t living up to what she should be; argued with her until she saw a personal trainer; left the bed, etc.
It could very well be that your house was a conflict ridden one and your kids wanted you to split up, but quite frankly, I haven’t read anything that has told me that you showed her anything other than rejection and contempt. Not going to a gym does not mean that she is showing you contempt. Refusing to sleep in bed with her until she sees a personal trainer is. That’s sad. I hope you can rebuild.
You are so right. We can make people lose weight. My wife is about 150lbs over weight. I am 53 and I go to the gym 4 days a week. I really tried over the pass 20years to get her to lose the weight no luck. She watches tv all day long. That is not a life I want to live.
My husband and I are both 25. I am moderately active and have maintained a healthy weight while all he does is play online games with his friends. He’s nearly 400 lbs at this point- when we married he was so much more active and ate healthy as well. I’m honestly at the end of my rope- I’ve tried to get him to go to counseling with me and I’ve tried to get him to go on short walks with me. Both things he’s refused to do- videogames are more important to him I guess. I feel like I’m wasting my 20’s with someone who doesn’t care about me or our future together. It’s sad.
I am 55. Same story. Some people just dont care. I wasted the best years of my life.
I am 59 and my wife is 48. My wife is the one who is unhealthy (5’10 & 340+) and really doesn’t have any desire to change. Takes her thyroid meds, but eats unhealthy and won’t walk anymore than she has to after work. I swim & do pushups for Fitness. I am beginning to find her fatness disgusting.
Thank you for this article. I worry about being forced to care for my husband earlier than necessary because he won’t take care of himself. He drinks beer every day, not a lot, but has a hard time skipping a day regardless. He’s very sedentary and finds exercise boring. I try to be encouraging and nothing sticks. He says he is on board with something then I find out he did not have his own motivation. I find the sedentary orientation gross to be perfectly honest. Sit around playing video games, no chores done aside from what he’s assigned, I’m the breadwinner, and I’m not svelte but I’m not obese. I’m 39, with a bmi of 21 or so.
He resents the pressure from me I’m sure. But his beer belly is ugly. I can’t talk about it anywhere because I feel so shallow. But I value healthy behavior and he doesn’t appear to And it’s just… It’s gross. And more importantly I feel really disrespected that he won’t try to keep himself healthy for the sake of our marriage and to prevent anyone needing to be his caretaker earlier than necessary. If that man needs hands on care before age 70 aside from recovery from procedures or some unavoidable crisis, I am going to be really angry and I feel so guilty for being this way. I feel very unloving but I also feel that his choices are very unloving.
I think you take care of yourself, treat the body as a temple, and also to respect your partner. It bothers me that women end up with disordered eating from social pressure but honestly I wish there were more societal pressure on men bc then maybe he would care.
It’s really not even the way he looks. It is the unhealthy behavior, that I find so unattractive. If he tried to eat right and exercise, didn’t drink every single day, then even if he looked the same I would manage especially because then maybe he would have less pain issues making him grumpy, more stamina for sex, etc. I know most people don’t keep the body of their 20s. It’s his mindset I’m repulsed by.
I love my husband but he refuses to do any form of physical activity and uses excuses like “I dont have time” which is utter bs. He works from home and and so do I so i know hes playing on the computer or talking with friends outside of work and has plenty of time. he goes to bed at like 3-5am on weekends and 12-2am on weekdays.
He doesn’t like to eat healthy and I do control what he gets for food in the house but if he doesn’t like what it is he just orders food.
The best compromise i could get out of him was to quit blatant junk food like fast food and soda for a month. We did this once before, eliminating all processed foods for a month and he lost like 10 pounds which was great, but it came at a very high cost to me. I was the one who had supply all of his meals the entire month. cooking from scratch and it took up a very large part of my free time to do this. He is picky and will not accept simple meals like grilled chicken and greens. He wants fancy fast food alternatives like home made fried rice, lasagna, etc… but he wont eat god damn left overs either.
Every morning it was eggs, bacon, and a protein smoothy that i snuck greens powder into. this kept him full most of the day but he would whine he wanted home made waffles, and bacon instead of eggs and bacon.
He would whine he wanted foods that take me at least an hour to prepare and then refuse to eat what was left over the next day.
It eventually became too much and i just broke and decided if he wants to be a fat unhealthy lazy turd he can do that on his own. ive invited him regularly to come to the gym, go for short walks, make tiny changes to his diet. he doesn’t care. he complains hes not happy with what he looks like and that he feels like shit and whenever i tell him how to fix it he just ignores it because he wants magic, not change.
I’m so sorry, A.
I’ve been married to my wife for almost 20 years. When we met we were both fit. We used to go running and biking together all the time for dates. We cooked healthy food together. Health and fitness was important to both of us. We enjoyed a healthy active lifestyle together, and to me she was the sexiest woman alive.
Over the years, things gradually changed. Little by little, she gained a total of 70lbs. Meanwhile I’ve continued to work out and eat well, and am in better shape now than when we met. She says her weight gain is inevitable because she’s had 2 kids, but I know plenty of women who’ve had kids and lost the weight again afterwards. The difference I observe is that those other women place importance on maintaining a healthy weight and put in the work exercising and eating well. My wife always says she wants to lose weight but she spends so many hours on the couch watching tv and playing on her phone – probably 12 hours of screen time daily. I think she has an i-phone addiction. I do most of the cooking these days and make tasty, healthy food, but whereas I’m satisfied with a standard portion for dinner, she often goes for additional snacks or a 500-800 calorie bowl of ice cream in the evening. I’m over a foot taller than her but I’m pretty sure she eats more calories than me most days. Which is to say that to me it’s not a mystery why she “can’t” lose weight – it’s not a thyroid problem or something like that, it’s simply about not caring enough to exercise regularly and eat right.
I love my wife immensely. I love so many things about her, and she’s my best friend in the world. We are aligned on so many things and enjoy many shared passions and activities, but this one issue is so frustrating to me. I’m worried about her health – if nothing changes, I know there’s a good chance she’ll develop chronic illness and die before me. I don’t want to live 10-20 years without her. I don’t understand why she doesn’t care enough to actually make changes. I’ve also lost physical attraction. I still think she has a beautiful face and I still desire her sexually because I’m attracted to her as a person, but many parts of her body turn me off now, as obesity has completely changed her shape. I used to love just watching her move, I thought she was so sexy. I want to be super attracted to my wife again and wish that she cared enough to want to be attractive to me. I hate looking at other women with nice fit bodies and feeling a sense of longing for them instead of my wife.
I’ve tried everything I can think of, both positive (sharing healthy activities together, cooking healthy food) as well as negative things that I’m ashamed of and that led to some really rough patches in our marriage (criticizing and nagging her, overtly demonstrating attraction to women who look like she used to look). She is now willing to exercise a few days per week when we exercise together, but she still will never exercise on her own despite having ample opportunity – showing me that she lacks intrinsic motivation. She eats healthy much of the time but then sabotages it with ice cream binges and sugary drinks. The good news is that she hasn’t gained any weight in the past year or so, but she isn’t losing any either. I still get the overriding feeling that deep inside she truly just doesn’t care, and I’m always afraid that at some point she’s going to let go and gain another 50 lbs.
Ultimately, I think I need to accept that I can only control what I do, and I can’t make her care about something just because it’s important to me. Maybe she’ll start to care again some day, maybe she won’t. Maybe we’ll live a long healthy life together, or maybe she’ll leave me alone for the last part of my life. I can’t control this so I have to just give it up and focus on enjoying all the good things about our relationship together, and hope for the best without expecting anything in particular – because I’ve found that in this area, expectations inevitably lead to disappointment and conflict.