What do you do when your spouse needs to lose weight–but they just won’t?
On Mondays I like to take a reader question and take a stab at answering it, and today’s is unique because it wasn’t a question exactly but a comment that a reader left on the blog in November that inspired this whole series.
She was talking about how her husband was so heavy that their marriage was missing out on passion and excitement that it could have had, not just because of sex, but also because he was lethargic and tired all the time. And so that’s what I decided to dedicate my Wednesdays series in January to (though I’m obviously talking about it not just on Wednesdays as well!).
I really got thinking about this in Costa Rica, where I saw this plant (and I talked about this in my original post last Thursday):
This is what a poinsettia is supposed to look like, when it’s in its proper environment. But here in Canada, we buy these tiny spindly poinsettias around Christmas that lose all their leaves, because they don’t have what they need to thrive.
Many of us are living lives that are much smaller than they need to be because we’re not giving ourselves the resources and environment we need to thrive.
And quite often that’s because of our weight.
Here’s part of what my reader said:
Reader Question
You can’t make your husband lose weight
Nagging won’t do it. Reminding them of their goals won’t do it. A person can only change themselves; you can’t do it for them.
You can, however, control what food is in your house.
Cookies, chips, pop, candy, junk food in general–there is no need to ever have any of that in the house. Even if your kids like it, they would be better off to not have it. And if you don’t eat it at home, then when you do go out, it can be more of a treat. And it’s okay to see those things as treats.
You can also make sure that you cook healthy meals (whether you’re the husband or the wife). If your spouse is obese, maybe you should take over the cooking for the family! There’s an awesome deal going on right now with the Healthy Meal Planning Bundle, where you get over $1000 of recipes and meal planning resources for just $37, along with shopping lists, prep lists, and more. It can help you get on the road to healthy without having to do too much research of your own. But the deal ends at midnight tonight!
What if your spouse eats out for breakfast and/or lunch?
You can pack him or her a lunch. And if you know that they’re eating out for breakfast, then you can adjust the calories that go into dinner to compensate.
Think about budgets!
Also, eating out costs a lot of money, especially over the year. If you calculate roughly how much money your spouse spends on eating out, then why don’t you offer this challenge:
If you can spend half of that this year, then we can buy a big ticket item that he wants. Maybe it’s something that you definitely don’t want (like a 4-wheeler, or a new hunting rifle, or something like that), but if it’s a big motivator, why not do it? Just go to a cash budget, leave the debit card at home, and then stick to your budget for eating out.
You can also influence outputs
Start going for a walk after dinner. Take up some active hobby, like cross country skiing. Or even buy your husband a Fitbit! Many men react well to them, because it’s kind of like a competition. Try to get your steps in for the day! And maybe your husband can even pace at work while he’s on the phone (if he has that kind of job) instead of sitting all day.
Those are just some thoughts, but I’ve written about this before:
And I just want to reassure you who are dealing with this, this is a legitimate issue. You don’t have to feel guilty for being upset if your spouse is very unhealthy. But at some point you’re going to have to give it to God. Do what you can. Try to keep having fun together. Be a good example. And pray hard.
And do check out the Healthy Meal Planning Bundle! You won’t get a chance after midnight tonight, and it is a great resource.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
We are starting to go through this, my husband is far from obese but he has health issues that mean any extra weight is a negative thing. I’m on the opposite spectrum, needing many calories to stay a healthy weight especially while breastfeeding. This makes meal planning interesting, and picking snacks difficult.
My husband is verbally committed to losing the weight, but he’s struggling in the follow through. I’ve been offering to exercise with him, and grabbing him healthy snacks when he gets the munchies.
It’s difficult to determine where helping stops and nagging starts though.
As an obese person, I can tell you it isn’t always about what/how much one eats or exercises. Sometimes there are medical issues (such as low thyroid) that must be addressed before weight loss is possible. Sometimes there are emotional issues that must be addressed before weight loss is successful. Spouse, be patient and loving. The overweight individual will need your support every step of the way.
You’re totally right when you say that the unhealthy spouse needs support and love every step of the way.
I think what can be frustrating to the healthy spouse, though, is that a lot of times arguments like “it isn’t about overeating or exercising, it’s about medical issues like low thyroid” are used in order to silence the healthy spouse’s pleas, hurt, and fears.
The reality is no one who goes on the show Survivor comes back heavier or even the same weight–they all lose weight. Because they’re all starving and participating in incredibly difficult physical tasks. NOW, obviously this isn’t ideal. And fast diets, starving, and the like are not healthy, either. But the point that weight is not about eating and exercising simply isn’t true.
Yes, some people are always going to be thicker than others, some are going to naturally be smaller, and things like hypothyroidism and PCOS and other issues can dictate the final result. But even in the case of those issues, much of the treatment includes an excellent diet and exercise. And having hypothyroidism or PCOS does not mean you are going to be obese–it simply means it’s more difficult to keep weight down. It’s not an automatic diagnosis of inevitable obesity. It’s not fair that some people have to work harder than others to stay healthy. But it is reality, unfortunately.
The healthy spouse DOES need to be supportive. But the unhealthy spouse also needs to not lay blame and take responsibility.
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I would like to share a resource that I was just alerted to by my friend. She is an author and just released her latest book that is totally relevant to this topic. I have not read it, but I trust my friend and I am confident her writing will help you.
The Freedom To Eat
Best Wishes to all who struggle with this topic
Well – my link didn’t work – The book is Called The Freedom To Eat by Jackie Trottman if you want to look for it – you can find on Amazon.
I never reached morbidly obese, but went well into obese. It was the side effect of a medicine I had been taking for a year.
My main motivation to lose weight was: I was feeling low for other reasons, and I desperately needed to make myself feel better: physically, emotionally, in my skin, confidence-wise. Healthy eating and regular exercise are extremely unpleasant in the beginning, but they quickly start making you feel stronger, giving you pleasure hormones, giving you feeling of success and satisfaction.
And I also wanted to make myself more attractive for my wife, and to show her that I am capable of willpower and change.
That’s awesome, Dean!
And yes, some medications definitely make the weight pile on if we’re not careful, especially anti-depressants and even steroids. I’m so glad you’ve managed to lose some weight!
Thank you so much for this! I don’t really need to lose weight, but I really want to be more active this year and build up strength. My husband, on the other hand, seriously needs to lose weight, and he has recognized that fact, especially after doing a strenuous activity like hiking or dancing has worn him out. The problem is that he does not have very much self-discipline or internal motivation. We had a conversation about being healthier the other day, and he basically told me that if he were still single he wouldn’t care about being healthy at all. He enjoys food too much, so he would rather be happy and risk being unhealthy later in life. However, he said that he wants to be healthier because he is married and wants to be there for me and our future family. He has said before that he wants to be more active and eat healthier, and he would do it for a little while. But, then he wouldn’t keep going with it. I am really discouraged because I want him to be healthy and able to enjoy life together for a long time, and if I’m honest, it has also been affecting my desire for intimacy with him.
I understand, Sam. It is hard. And thank you for acknowledging that your husband also doesn’t have the energy to do things that would be fun for the two of you. That’s also what I want people to see. It’s not just about sex; it really isn’t. It’s about your whole life, and your quality of life together. This really does affect the other spouse.
I think the key is just to find hobbies that you do together, once a week, even if you have to be the initiator. And then keep the food in your house healthy!
Something I have thought of is that a large amount of weight seems so much more impossible to really lose. I find myself getting discouraged because of the weight I gained in the last couple of years. I don’t have just 10 or 15 to lose anymore! It’ll take longer than just a few weeks. But I just saw a really cool YouTube video by Mind Over Munch that was about monthly resolutions. It talked forming one new habit in January, and one in February, one in March, and so on. I love the concept! My January resolution is WAY less sugar. Maybe in February I’ll try to start working more movement into my workday. Maybe small changes would easier to get a spouse on board with?
I love that idea Ashley. That’s what I’ve suggested to my husband as well. But it depends on the spouse. I find that for my husband, making monthly resolutions doesn’t keep him anymore motivated than making one bigger resolution at the beginning of the year. He loses steam and gives us either way, whether or not he has another chance at another month to redeem himself. I think, for him, he just doesn’t care enough to lose the weight at the moment. But every person is different, and I think this strategy could help a lot of people more than on big New Years resolution.
That’s a great thought, Ashley. I actually think goals that are more tied into actions that results are helpful. And small habits, like “I’ll only eat something when I’ve put it on a plate” or “I’ll measure out my sugary foods at the beginning of the day and that’s my quota for the day” are actually much more doable than “I’ll lose 10 pounds this month.” It’s the habits that matter. Small things that can build on themselves, and that become natural so that we can keep doing them.
Thanks for this article, Sheila. It was really helpful and reassuring for me to see your response in video form too.
One thing I’ve known for a long time but have really come to terms with in the past couple months is that I will never be able to change my husband and his relationship with food, eating and exercise. He’s struggled with these as long as I’ve known him, and even though he repeatedly told me he wanted to change and he wanted my help, I’ve now come to terms with the fact that talk is cheap and actions are all that matter concerning this topic. A spouse can talk about how they hate being fat and want to get fit and healthy till they’re blue in the face. My husband always says “I know my words won’t mean anything until I can back them up with actions.” That’s how he ends every conversation we ever have about his weight. And then he never backs it up with actions year after year, sometimes getting even fatter instead. SOOO frustrating!!! I’ve given our whole situation to the Lord and trust that everything we’re going through now is just a huge learning experience and something to add to our testimonies (mine included as his spouse), and that hopefully this will strengthen not only my relationship with the Lord but his as well. Until then, I’ve resigned myself to trying to be content in all phases of life, enjoy the time we’ve been granted together right now (while he’s still mostly physically able and in decent health), and am trying to make myself more apathetic to his weight and our quickly passing youthful years so that everything I’ve written about in previous comments doesn’t hurt so much.
Whilst I agree with everything you say here, Sheila, there is something I find a bit curious about this particular question. It sounds as though the writer & her husband are young and fairly early in their marriage perhaps even as yet without children. Which leads me to assume that she probably married him when he health/weight was not too different than it is now.
In which case, my sympathy wanes somewhat!
Your husband is what he is. At some stage you have to come to terms with the fact that you chose him AS HE IS. Your job now is to make the marriage work as best you can.
Work on yourself and your health and your relationship with God. Do your bit towards making your family and home a happy, healthy environment- a place that promotes emotional wellbeing and physical health. And leave the rest with God.
In relation to the Fitbit, an even more ‘manly’ option is a Garmin gps watch. I got one for Christmas and have found it so encouraging in helping me move more! And it has some great GPS features too! If your guy loves gadgets, and *has already shown an interest in getting fitter/healthier* then I highly recommend a watch from the Garmin Fenix 5 range!
Such an excellent post/series Sheila, I haven’t even watched the video yet, but I am loving your advice! Tying in the budget and people actually being able to SEE that their gluttony is what is stopping them from getting that new hunting rifle is a great way to build personal motivation!
Also, that poinsettia picture has REALLY made me want to put some in my garden! I actually live in the right climate to grow a great poinsettia, so that is now one of my goals! 😂
Seriously? YOu could grow one like that? Wow.
It’s always been a fantasy of mine to have a lemon or a lime tree in my garden. THAT, to me, says luxury.
I used to have a gorgeous lime tree in my yard, that produced bucketloads of fruit, until the darned termites ate it 👿. There’s always something when gardening!🙄
One plant on my Wishlist is an avocado tree. That is a dream of mine, to have a big tree and be able to eat ALL the avocado I want! LOL!
Oh, an avocado tree! Where they would actually ripen on the tree? Does that happen? If it does, what does it taste like? I can’t imagine! Oh, now I have another dream…..
Avocado trees do produce fruit that ripens on the tree, but it takes many years for the tree to mature to that state… a whole 10 years I believe. My grandmother-in-law used to have a huge beautiful avocado tree in her backyard in the Central Valley of California and it was at least a decade old, probably two. She said there were many many years after she planted it that no fruit was produced or the quality of fruit it produced was puny and insignificant. Even in ideal conditions like California, they’re still very finicky to grow.
Oh, I’m going to have to check that out!
When I saw the post title, I was hoping you’d be addressing broader health concerns than just weight. My husband is overweight/borderline obese, but a bigger problem for us is his alcoholism. No matter who talks to him and despite his DUI, he doesn’t think he really has a problem. I would love for you to address that perspective at some point: My spouse is emotionally unhealthy; how do I deal with that and how do I deal with our sexual relationship in the midst of that? I have searched the archives and haven’t found anything aimed at addiction (other than pornography).
Oh, Laura, that’s such a hard topic, and definitely an important one. Alcohol addictions can be so serious.
The thing about long-term heavy alcohol use, even if you’re not “drunk” all the time, is that it can actually change the personality for the worse permanently, too. I don’t know if people realize this. But if you’ve been drinking heavily for decades, even when you’re sober you often have a very quick fuse, and you can be quite mean. And quitting alcohol doesn’t reverse it. I’ll think about writing a post on that, too. Thanks for bringing it up!
Bitterness and resentment can be a bigger hindrance to passion than whether our spouse is overweight or not. I’m troubled that many of these comments from women (on this post and the former ones) use terms such as “gluttony”, “laziness” and “lacking self control”. We would be rightly upset if men described their wives in these terms, so please can we show some kindness and understanding when it comes to our husbands? Obesity is a complex issue and if you’ve been fortunate enough not to have personally struggled with it, count your blessings.
We took our husbands for better or worse, in sickness and in health, and even if they are destroying their health through unhealthy habits, we should be careful about casting the first stone. Having struggled to keep my weight down over the years (and I rarely touch junk food and tend to choose whole foods) I would be deeply hurt if my husband told me I was unhealthy or lazy or lacked self control and certainly wouldn’t be motivated to change. We have the choice: to love our husbands unconditionally and pray for them, or to belittle them and build resentment and anger and potentially destroy our relationship.
I understand what you’re saying, Jules, but gluttony is a real sin. And so is laziness. The Bible warn against them often. And self-control is a fruit of the spirit.
We need to be able to say the truth about what’s happening. If you’ve struggled with your weight but you have been working to maintain a healthy lifestyle, then those words definitely don’t apply to you! And if your spouse came to you and called you lazy, you could say, “Although I struggle with my weight, here are deliberate steps I’m taking that show I am exercising self-control and not living a lazy, gluttonous lifestyle.” But for many of the wives commenting, their husbands could not say that.
A lot of people are married to spouses who are truly lazy and gluttonous and doing nothing about it. Or they want to change, but lack the self-control to do so and aren’t exercising that spiritual discipline to improve their self-control. We need to be able to both be cheerleaders to people who are on the journey towards health no matter where they are currently, but also speak truth to people who are living in a way that is opposite to what God wants. And gluttony and laziness are real things that are warned about in the Bible, and they have more to do with your heart than with the amount of weight you have. But the weight can in many cases be the physical manifestation of these spiritual issues.
So true! And I’m quite aware, too, that because I have a good metabolism, I may “look” like I’m not lazy when I actually may have been quite lazy for a few weeks. You can’t always go by what someone looks like at all. But when a spouse is hurting themselves by becoming obese (and obesity is a major cause of health problems, including joint replacement issues, etc.), due to overeating and laziness, it does matter. I don’t think we should all judge each other, but we do need to be able to tell the truth. I just feel for spouses in these marriages who feel helpless because their husbands or wives won’t address this.
“Cookies, chips, pop, candy, junk food in general–there is no need to ever have any of that in the house.”
When I read this line, Sheila, I was ready to fight you. Just kidding. Haha but then I really liked what you said in the video about the Christmas candy. We got a lot of candy over Christmas as well. We also still have some candy leftover from Halloween and even (get ready for this) Easter. I am a big fan of freezing chocolate and pulling some from time to time for us to enjoy. And that’s why I was ready to “fight” you when I first read that line. I don’t think there is anything wrong with having treats in the house. We almost always have ice cream in the freezer for example. And I love to bake (although my husband likes to make jokes about me not doing it very often). It’s fun to surprise the kids on occasion with a piece from the chocolate stash when they’ve finished all of their dinner or behaved really well when we go out. I definitely think there are people who need to keep that kind of stuff out of the house especially when they struggle with weight, willpower and moderation issues. But I don’t think keeping a small stash of treats in the house is a bad thing for everyone. I personally love the fact that I know it’s there but can stay away from it and even forget about it except for when we decide to indulge as a family. It’s actually really empowering.
I don’t know if you noticed but I am specifically championing chocolate, ice cream and baked goods. 😉
I swear it’s health related, it just goes backwards. Any advice for when you’ve tried your best to set a budget, but your spouse won’t budget with you? All those random meals out (alone) either when dinner was waiting at home or there’s a bunch of easy things to cook/heat up for lunch but they rarely feel like making something, really start to add up. (I cannot always be there to cook for them.) I have tried adding an additional snack (already do packed lunches) for after work, but then half the time they will still get one of those giant sodas from the gas station; making it a third caffeinated and high sugar soda for the day. They also pick up chips from the store when we were only missing an ingredient for a healthy dish, and we keep healthy snacks around the house of their choosing. A can of caffeinated soda is their breakfast every day, their cup of coffee I guess. I cannot find a way to inspire them to move on their days off, and they are definitely putting on weight. While they notice it too, and all of these things have been brought to their attention, it’s always put off until “someday.” Their only slight interest that would involve being more active is the outdoors, but the weather where we live is most often at one extreme or the other, providing an excuse. Suggestions?
Sounds like my husband. Honestly, I think it all comes down to their spiritual state. And you as the spouse can only do so much. As the saying goes, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.
Instead of trying to help my husband focus on his diet and exercise and overall lifestyle, I’m instead spending this year focusing on my own spiritual growth and encouraging him to do the same. This week, we both started going to men’s and women’s groups at our church. I’m really hoping and praying that that helps not only me but also him increase his biblical knowledge and further his relationship with the Lord, which ideally will in turn create a change in him where he sees the error of his lifestyle choices in the past and has the motivation needed to become and healthier and more whole individual.
Having watched other couples struggle with this issue for years, I don’t believe it is possible to make someone become healthy unless they want to do it themselves.
Some people’s ‘default’ state is to eat healthily, watch their weight, exercise, and it takes an extreme change in their life to alter that behaviour. For other people their default state is to just eat without much thought, prefer more sedate activities, and accept whatever weight they are as a given. For the latter group, it takes an extreme change to alter this behaviour (and it is rarely permanent).
I would suggest this is mostly learned behaviour from childhood and most of the population fall into the second group. I was taught about nutrition and cooking at a very young age, helped out in the kitchen, was encouraged to take part in active hobbies and I spent most of my free time outside. As an older adult, I don’t enjoy junk food, automatically watch my diet and feel terrible if I sit around too much. The only time I’ve put on significant weight as an adult was after serious injury prevented me from exercising and I was put on steroids for a year. The moment I was able to move/eat normally, the weight fell off without much effort. I do not have a high metabolism. If anything, it is below average. But my ingrained behaviour since childhood keeps me fit and active. I don’t have cravings for junk food that I have to battle against and going to the gym or dance class isn’t a chore any more than brushing my teeth or washing my hair.
Most of my friends of similar age are overweight. Many of them were thinner than me in their 20s and 30s simply because they were taller or had a naturally fast metabolism that could deal with chips, soda and sweets. Once they hit 40 and their metabolism slowed, they struggled to change their lifestyle/diet to one like mine in order to keep the weight off. Exercising regularly, staying away from sugar/junk, eating less calories, is new behaviour for them and very hard to stick to for longer than a few months. I am regularly asked how I manage to keep the same size/weight, but it is normal for me. I don’t need to ‘diet’ because my normal way of eating is healthy.
I am presently in a situation where my wife and I were very happy for years.
And then I really started to look at my wife’s body and no longer found that same enjoyment and excitement that I used to.
After 3 kids and 17 years of marriage (we married @ 25), and roughly 20 lbs heavier, she has effectively let herself go.
I am still in good physical condition and had expected, when marrying her, that she would do likewise. Throughout our marriage she has only exercised sporadically and not regularly enough to lose the extra lbs.
Although her features are still beautiful to me, I have seen my sexual attraction to her plummet over the past 2 years to the point of not wanting any more sex. In fact, I told her as much 15 months ago and she has not taken the steps to incorporate the lifestyle change that I believe will save our once happy union.
Her health has also started to suffer. She currently has arthritis in both of her shoulders and has a lingering injury from the gym that prevents her from working out further.
I have tried to be as supportive as I can but it is not easy to stay up every night wondering and everyday thinking if separation would be a better option than staying with someone to whom you are no longer sexually attracted.
I have reached out to her many times over the entire length of our marriage, trying to encourage her to stay healthy. I want us to grow old together in good health. I now am depressed all of the time to the point where neither my work nor home life is happy. I am tired of being unhappy with the one person I thought would never be unhappy with. I need a firm commitment from her that she will try… even slowly… to get back in shape.
Otherwise, for my sanity and hers and our childrens’, I might have to leave.
Suffering husband and family