So Love and Respect rocked the podcast this week.
I was planning on continuing my series on how to live life to the fullest and get rid of time wasters, and then this week all the Love & Respect posts kind of took over. So even though I had another podcast all ready, I bumped it to next week to run one today replying to all the Love & Respect posts from this week!
Love and Respect Main Segment
Last week something interesting happened. I don’t know what prompted it exactly, but I tweeted out that one of the things I appreciated about my husband was that he respected me; he didn’t just love me. That tweet blew up. So then I tweeted out something else about the book Love & Respect, and it blew up, too. I thought maybe I should take a more careful look at the book (I had it on a shelf), so I pulled it down. And when I read the sex chapter I was appalled.
I wrote a huge post on it, and that blew up, and people asked me to write more about the underlying premise. So that’s what I did this week, though I wasn’t planning on it. You can see the posts here (the last post was from a while ago, but it drives home the same point):
I’ve been overwhelmed with the response, and I’ll be publishing a post of your comments tomorrow, because I think they need to be archived all in one place.
But in the meantime, can I suggest something? Next time people talk about the book, speak up. One thing that’s amazed me this week is how little pushback I’ve received. People seem to instinctively get that there’s something off about this book. And yet churches keep recommending it. When we speak up, it won’t be hard for the tipping point to be reached.
And check out our in-depth critique of the way Eggerichs’ teachings can gaslight abuse victims.
Millennial Marriage: Okay, I’ll Admit it. I Like Marie Kondo
A lot of Christians are criticizing “Tidying Up with Marie Kondo” on Netflix. Rebecca and I love it. I love folding my clothes. I love finding things that spark joy.
No, I don’t greet my house, thank my clothes, or try to awaken the energy in my books. You can ignore that stuff. But we really enjoyed some of the show’s episodes, especially 1, 3 & 4 (and if you can get through 4 without bawling like a baby, you’re a bigger person than me).
The book is better, though. Really teaches you how to find peace with the things God has blessed you with. And I’ve written before about 8 things I learned using the Konmarie method to declutter.
Reader Question: What do I do if my husband checks out other women?
I get tons of reader questions about this scenario, and I really need to write about it again. I haven’t done that in a while, but here are some other posts that might help.
Also, I strongly recommend getting Covenant Eyes for your computers, tablets, phones, devices, etc. Let’s not make it easy for porn to be accessed. And when you click on the link, you’ll get 30 days free using the coupon code TLHV!
Comment: Does Divorce Hurt Kids Or Not?
I like to comment every podcast about some interaction I’ve had on social media, on the blog, wherever. And this week I got into a discussion about divorce. Someone tweeted that divorce hurts kids; someone else tweeted that staying in an abusive marriage hurts kids.
The thing is–they’re both right. Often we’ll say something, but then you have to issue the caveat–except if you’re in a bad marriage.
The problem is that we’re often aiming for the wrong thing. When we aim to preserve the marriage, we often give advice that would be the wrong thing to do in toxic marriages. The way out is to do what I’ve been talking about all week–point to Jesus instead.
Here are two posts I referenced in the podcast:
Other Posts in our Love and Respect Series:
- THE MUST READ: An Open Letter to Focus on the Family about Love & Respect and Emerson Eggerichs
- A Review of Love and Respect: How the Book Gets Sex Horribly Wrong
- Love and Respect: Why Unconditional Respect Can’t Work
- The Ultimate Flaw in the Book Love and Respect: Jesus Isn’t at the Center
- Dissecting a Sermon Series where Emerson Eggerichs Gaslights Abuse Victims
- Dissecting a Podcast where Emerson Eggerichs Ignores Marital Rape and Says You Can't Tell if a Woman is Aroused
- Is It Okay if Christian Marriage Books are Just a Little Bit Harmful?
- Love & Respect is Being Used by the BDSM Community to Convince Wives to Submit to Domination
- PODCAST: Why Unconditional Respect Isn't a Thing (and how the verse the book is based on, and the survey data the book is based on, don't hold water).
- PODCAST: An Example from Eggerichs' blog of Eggerichs Gaslighting Women (we work through line by line)
- PODCAST: Dissecting Eggerichs' Love & Respect Sermons at Houston's First Baptist Church, with His Dismissal of Abuse
- PODCAST: How Emerson Eggerichs Ignored an Example of Marital Rape, plus the follow-up podcast where we interview the woman who wrote to him
- PODCAST: Our Love & Respect Wrap Up
- I’m Passing the Torch on Love & Respect. 10 Ways You Can Pick it Up
Plus our Resource Pages:
- Summary Page of Issues in Love & Respect
- Resources to let others know of your concerns about Love & Respect
- Download our rubric and scorecard of why Love & Respect scored 0/48 on our rubric of healthy sexuality teaching
The Biggest Supporter of Love & Respect is Focus on the Family
They publish the book and heavily promote it, and promote video series with Emerson Eggerichs. They also heavily promote his book Mothers & Sons, which primes the next generation of boys to feel they deserve unconditional respect, regardless of how they act. Please consider your giving to Focus on the Family, and contact them about your concerns. Without Focus on the Family's support, the Love & Respect ministry would dwindle considerably.
The Following People Have Endorsed Love & Respect
- "Millions of lives and marriages – and in many ways, our whole culture – are completely different today because of the work of Emerson Eggerichs and Love and Respect ministries." Shaunti Feldhahn, best-selling author of For Women Only
- "Occasionally I run into somebody whose material, what they’re teaching, and the quality of the person rocks my world." Dave Ramsey
- "probably the most helpful [marriage book and seminar] we have ever experienced." Michael Hyatt
- "With his Love and Respect concept, Emerson Eggerichs has discovered what can only be described as the Holy Grail of marital counseling." Eric Metaxas
- "Dr. Emerson Eggerichs …is … balancing this scale [towards respect]" Dr. James Dobson
- "People around the world, in every kind of business need to hear this simple yet life changing message." Anne Beiler
- "I couldn't recommend Dr. Eggerichs highly enough. I call him the Billy Graham of marriage." Kendrick Vinar, lead pastor Grace Church of Chapel Hill
If any of these people would like to rescind or qualify their endorsements, please reach out, even confidentially. If any would like a confidential conversation about the problems with Love & Respect, please reach out.
That’s it for this week! I hope you take time to listen to the podcast, because I got WORKED UP. And kinda passionate.
Thanks for subscribing!
Tomorrow I hope will be the conclusion of the Love & Respect series, where I’m going to share so many of the stories that I’ve been sent this week.
Like this post?
Since posting these reviews of Love and Respect, many people have asked me how they can share their concerns with their churches and community.
We created a report of the hundreds of comments we received (including good and bad reviews) which is available to download together with a sample letter to send to churches.
You can download both and send them to whoever you think needs to read them here:
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Thank you for getting straight into the topics instead of trailing off, about what you had for breakfast last week, like a lot of podcasts do. I never skip your podcast like i do with most others. Seriously, we come to listen about the topic not about your cat, your kids, your recipe, and the old lady two doors down did. Thank you!
HAHAHAHAHA! That’s hilarious. Thank you. Can I ask you to put that review on iTunes (or whatever platform you use?) I would so appreciate it! 🙂
This is the only platform i listen on. I have a cheap computer that i can only do basic things on it. I can’t access iTunes from my laptop. I just listen to it on your blog. And made this comment. If i had access to iTunes it would have been my pleasure to post the same comment.
No problem at all! 🙂 I still appreciate it!
I love that too. Straight to point no useless filler.
Also I was thinking what an impact it would make if all the people who left comments here this week about love and respect went on over to amazon and goodreads and put their comment into a review…. it would have immediate impact on people who consider buying it.
I always read the reviews before buying books. Sometimes the reviews are better then the book itself 😉
Interesting point, Lydia! I don’t want to make that suggestion myself, but if you want to do it in the comments on this post, you’re more than welcome (that’s the post listing all the comments from this week!).
Thank you….I always wondered why I had the need to feel respected too! I have a varied background including growing up in a legalistic church and Christian school. I married a man who entered the ministry and was abusive to the point that I left with my children. Now that I remarried to a godly guy, this “Love and Respect” thing has been a mystery…actually a war inside of me. Because of my first marriage, I smell abusive behavior a mile away. Though I feel my marriage is healthy in that department, I have wanted something beyond love. I have a brain and love to use it…I love being respected for being a partner, not just a cheerleader on the sidelines. Thanks for putting into words my struggle with the “Love and Respect” book!
You’re so welcome, Barb! And I’m so glad you’re in a healthy place now. I hope you find lots of resources on this blog to help you.
I love that you didn’t jump on the hating Marie Kondo train! I agree that you don’t have to do everything she does (like thanking the house) to benefit from a lot of the good she has to offer! I also think that some of the “weirdness” is just cultural differences..some may be spiritual *but* some is just being products of different cultures and people shouldn’t be so quick to label it as bad or weird. Sorry, some of my family is from Asia so I get a little defensive, despite being pretty Western myself. Mini rant over.
Okay I just listened to this episode so I wanted to respond also that I LOVE your response to the reader question about the husband looking at other women!! I love that you are empowering to both men and women! You’re saying men don’t have to be defeated by their sin! And women can have boundaries with their husbands! I love that you pointed out that it is probably making the other women he is oggling in publing very uncomfortable as well. I love this so much, Sheila! So hopeful.
Thanks, Madeline! I appreciate that.