Can getting healthy actually help your marriage?
As you may know, this month I am going to be talking about overcoming mental addictions. And with unhealthy eating habits being so common, I think it is so important that we have real conversations about the impact of overeating. Today we have Kiesha Easley, author of Worth the Weight, giving a really encouraging story about how her marriage, sex, and life in general was transformed for the better when she and her husband decided to get serious about changing their relationship with food and lost weight together.
Here’s Kiesha:
As we lay in bed, snuggled close one night, after a really great moment of intimacy, we both sighed deliciously and simultaneously breathed, “That was different!”
After 25 years of marriage, for the first time in a really long time, it felt as exhilarating as it felt when we were young! We were the same two people who had slept in the same bed together for the last two and a half decades, but something was different: we both had overcome an addiction to food and had lost over 75 pounds as a result.
Quietly, we savored the moment together. Then my husband smile and said, “I didn’t know you could do that anymore…”
Without going into details, I’ll just say that my response was, “I guess with less weight it’s so much easier to move and lift things, now…” LOL! It was incredible how much more flexible we were. We could snuggle more intimately. No one’s arm went numb under the weight! Without our stomachs protruding awkwardly in the way, it was physically easier for us to get emotionally closer, to embrace each other with greater intensity.
The next morning, as I prepared for work, I looked up to find my husband gazing at me in the most loving way. I was almost startled. “You look amazing, I can’t take my eyes off you! Sometimes, I can’t believe I’m looking at my wife,” he said tenderly. We had rejuvenated our connection and it made us feel like teenagers again.
Previously, sex felt like a chore – it literally felt exhausting and I very rarely had any desire.
I have to admit that I was very lethargic when it came down to it and my husband often complained about my lack of involvement. At the time, I didn’t realize my issue was health/weight related. Now that I know more about how the body works, I can recognize that my libido issues stemmed from a lack of proper nutrients. Plus, all of the extra weight literally weighed me down and made it difficult to move my body. After years of dealing with this issue, suddenly things were unexpectedly different!
In addition to a more intimate marriage, we suddenly had more energy to do things together.
We were always so tired, that we rarely went out to do anything fun. We were too busy passing out on the couch in the evenings after work to have any kind of fun together. But this year, for our 25th anniversary, we went on a trip – just the two of us. Each day was filled with so many exciting activities – we were like kids again. We spent time at the pool, rode the bikes, walked and explored for hours, shopped, watched movies and even had sex in the middle of the day!
Now, we spend more time together talking when we’d usually be asleep. We go on more dates because now we actually feel like it. We enjoy buying each other new clothes to dress up to attend weddings, banquets and other events, together. This just wasn’t possible before. I was always so unsure about what size to buy for him. Just when I thought he was wearing a 2X, he really needed something bigger. When he’d try to buy me pajamas (my favorite), they were always a little too snug because he didn’t want to embarrass me by grabbing the larger size.
God has truly redeemed the time for us and turned back the clock. We feel like we have been given a chance to relive our youth, something we thought we gave up when we got married so young.
Before this period of rejuvenation, we spent so many years believing that “feeling old” was just a part of the middle age experience and it was only going to get worse as the years passed.
Exhaustion, along with achy lower backs and painful joints were just a part of life to be accepted.
But after I turned 40, I got fed up with this feeling. I wanted to feel better in my 40s than I had in my 30s. I just couldn’t accept this perspective of decline. Mentally, I still felt so young, I wasn’t ready to just start preparing for “Shady Pines,” the fictional nursing home we joked about.
So, I started my health journey.
I had no expectations for improving our love life – I just wanted to feel better and overcome the chronic fatigue I continually dealt with.
In addition, I desperately wanted to prevent diabetes. Both of my parents have some form of diabetes and I felt that if I didn’t get my health together soon, I would inevitably join them. If I wanted to live a long, high quality life, I knew I was going to have to make some serious lifestyle changes.
I told my husband about the changes I was going to make for myself, but I assured him that I would continue making the same meals for him that he liked. There would be no pressure or guilt from me. We had tried just about everything before: starvation diets, keto, vegetarian, strict vegan, everything… We’d lose some weight and then gain it all back. So it was understood that he would not be joining me on my health journey this time.
After about four or five months into my journey, I had lost about 40 pounds and my husband was taking notice and complimenting my progress. Then, we stumbled across a Youtube video of a woman named Annette Larkins who’s in her early 70s, yet she looks like she’s in her 30s. She was talking about all of the healthy foods she eats straight from her garden and how she stays looking so young. When the camera panned to her grey-haired husband, my husband quickly turned to me and said “From now on, give me what you’re eating. I will not have people thinking you are my daughter!”
He joined me that very day. It happened without any begging or nagging.
Looking back, the powerful change in our lives came because I decided to just work on myself, first.
If I had beat him over the head with it, he would’ve rejected it forever. But, when he saw how disciplined I had become and saw my efforts were actually working, that made all the difference. He saw how creative I had become at swapping out unhealthy ingredients in our favorite foods and turning them into healthy ones. He saw how committed I had become to learning about the science behind it all, and trusted me to show him the way.
Nearly two years later, we are both super grateful that we made the change. We learned that a food addiction was at the root of our decades-long struggle with our health. We both were addicted to sugary foods and frequently used them as entertainment, to reward ourselves for a hard day’s work and even used them to dull the pain when life got hard.
We had dangerously positioned food in our lives to serve purposes it was never designed to serve.
We didn’t realize it at the time, but our food addiction had got in the way of our very intimacy and bond. Instead of turning to each other during difficult times, we turned to food. Instead of communicating our needs to each other, we silently let issues fester and numbed the pain with cookies, cakes and pies because they provided a jolly distraction. Ultimately, we used food to fill voids only God was meant to fill. It turned out to be as much of spiritual journey as a physical one.
Now we can enjoy a simple, healthy meal together. We are so grateful for the lifestyle change and the many unexpected benefits that came along with it.
When I started my journey, I remember just wanting to get healthy. I didn’t know how much it would completely change my life or my marriage.
If I had listened to the doubts that tried to play out in my mind, I would’ve missed out on this wonderful experience of total rejuvenation – and you wouldn’t be reading this now.
Our dramatic transformation caused people in our community to inquire about what we had done. I didn’t realize how impassioned I had become about health until I found myself excitedly talking to people for hours about the different changes we’d made to our lifestyle. This inspired me to write Worth the Weight, to share my story and the strategies I had implemented in our lives.
Suddenly I had a new calling on my life: to help other Christian women get through the spiritual and physical process that is necessary to reclaim their health and lose weight, permanently.
Let me know: Has food been filling a void in your life? How could you see yourself transforming your life over the next month? The next year? What steps have you already taken?
Kiesha Easley, Christian Health Coach. Kiesha is an author, educator, and health coach. She has 3 children and a daughter-in-love. She is a native of Toledo, Ohio, but currently lives in Columbia, SC where she and her husband of 25 years, raise hens, honeybees and a host of fruit trees in their backyard. Every year they plant a garden and grow healthy leafy greens, herbs, and sweet potatoes. They grow and raise everything using only natural methods – no chemicals, pesticides or herbicides.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
This is so True!!! I have lost over 70lbs in the last two years and hubby 25lbs and our sex life has gotten way better! We too, find ourselves laying together, looking at each other, thinking how blessed we are to have each other! Make no mistake about it, sex has always been great, but now it’s even better and i have the energy to do so much more!
Amen! Thanks for sharing!
Hi Rhoda! Thank you for sharing and confirming that life can be so much more enjoyable when we are healthy. Congratulations on losing 70 lbs – I know that it was hard work, but so worth it.
It’s so wonderful that people are talking about this now!! My husband and I have lost over 100 lb together (I’m around 70 lb, he’s around 30 lb), and it has completely transformed our sex life (and I can run up the stairs again!). The physical restrictions completely aside, we’ve both experienced a ridiculous libido change. He actually initiates now, he lasts longer, and it’s much easier for me to get “there.”
So much of what I’ve read on this blog has been life changing (THANK YOU, SHEILA!), and losing weight has really sealed the deal!
Hi Michelle! I love hearing that others are experiencing the same thing. When you talk about running up the stairs, it sounds like you know what I mean when I talked about feeling youthful again. It has definitely transformed our lives. Congratulations on your weight loss! And yes, Sheila is awesome – I have been reading this blog for about 10 years and I can honestly say: the information she shares here is life changing!
“Without our stomachs protruding awkwardly in the way, it was physically easier for us to get emotionally closer…”
Wow! That really stuck out to me! I’ve felt this way for awhile, but about a month ago, it dawned on me that I don’t feel fully 100% satisfied after hubby and I have sex because I don’t feel as close to his as I know I could. Physical closeness is so important to intimacy: when the two spouses are in a position where they can face each other, breath the same ecstatic air, look deeply into each other’s eyes, kiss each other’s mouths/cheeks/necks/etc with ease and wherever they want in the heat of the moment… I’m finding that that’s what I want in my sex life. But with his 57in waist and now my 31in pregnant belly (& I’m only a little over half way through this pregnancy too!), those positions are nowhere remotely possible for us. They hardly were when I wasn’t pregnant unless I wanted to feel squashed/sandwiched between him and the sheets, struggling for an easy breath, or like I was balancing on top of a yoga ball and having to bend over it to kiss him deeply (which is a hard position to hold comfortably when you want to have a good, long, deep kiss). In my experience, it cannot be overstated enough how important physical closeness is to feeling satisfied sexually and intimately!!!
Hi Natalie, I know how you feel and while I can’t say that this was our guiding reason for losing weight, as I reflect now, I realize that during intimate moments, our weight was a blaring sign that something needed to change with our health. But be gentle with yourselves, especially while you are pregnant (congratulations, by the way!), and begin with small changes and take it one step at a time.
What a phenomenal post! As a single woman, this has been one of my fears for my future marriage. I have noticed just how overweight many single Christian men are. As a woman who’s 4’11” and weighs just 95 lbs. and makes the effort not to become overweight, I can’t help but feel repulsed at times by single Christian men who can’t control their gluttony. I have a high sex drive, and being petite i can’t help but wonder how the dynamics of our intimacy will be.
My only comfort is in hoping that my future husband, if he is overweight, would be willing to eat the delicious healthy foods i cook (and boy, can i cook!). I don’t mean to be explicit here (we’re adults), the though of having to open my legs more than i can due to his weight, already tells me this will be a point of contention in our marriage. I’ll defiantly help him in love, as Christ commands, but i hope on his end he will listen to the Holy Spirit’s prompting. We shall see. Thanks for the post!
Based on my personal experience, Kate, I wouldn’t dismiss this feeling of yours. Do not feel like you’re being shallow or ungodly for feeling this way (which is how I felt about myself)! If you do end up dating a great Christian guy who is also overweight, let your thoughts on the topic of health/weight in marriage be made known to him as soon as you feel comfortable. Do not marry a man who says “once we’re married and living together, it’ll be so easy for me to lose weight and get healthy because you cook such amazing, healthy food!” DO NOT FALL FOR THIS LIE!!!! (the same lie my husband told me). Tell him that he’ll need to lose the weight first if he really wants to marry you. Then, when you are married and living together, you cooking healthy for him will help him maintain the new healthy weight he achieved before you two wed. You cannot change him. Only he and God can! Very important for us ladies to remember, since I think most of us (myself included) tend to think we can impose our good habits on our men who may or may not truly want to change… and even if they do truly want to change, when it comes to weight, there are often deep-seeded mental and emotional and spiritual issues behind why they’re so heavy in the first place. All things to discuss before you’re engaged & lift up to the Lord.
Thank you, Natalie. I agree 100% with you. And i’m one of those rare women who has never thought i can change ANYONE let alone men. I can influence them but never actually change them. That power belongs to Christ and i’m not arrogant enough to believe i’m Jesus.
One time i was getting to know a wonderful Christian man who was ridiculously overweight. I remember thinking to myself, i don’t see the fruit of Self Control in his life. I broke up with him, with deep sadness. When your stomach is sitting on your lap and you have to life your stomach to reach your private parts or can’t wipe yourself comfortably…..my word…… that is showing utter disrespect to the temple where the Holy Spirit resides in.
Thank you for your advice much appreciated. And i read your previous comment too.
Hi Kate,
I’m glad you enjoyed the post. There is nothing wrong with wanting a healthy mate. It also means you’re not willing to settle, and that’s a good thing. This is definitely a good conversation to have when you begin (or continue) to date someone. Thank you for your transparent and honest thoughts!
Keisha, I’m being nudged, I think, to deal with this issue. I want to lose, but I’ve used food to numb my disappointments in my life…a long time. I’ve done diets that work for a while, only to gain the weight back. This speaks to me, I’m so hurt seems like not a lot of love in our marriage just now (20 yrs). I liked what you said about working on you first. About resolving your food addiction, how did you get started?
Hi Rachel,
I feel for you and totally understand your frustration. My health journey began the day I accepted an altar call. My pastor called for people who wanted to be delivered from addictions. At first, he listed the usual alcohol, drugs… but when he said “food” – something in me leaped and I made may to the altar so that my pastor could pray for me. That was the beginning, the next step was on me to take action. But this time, with renewed strength and a renewed mind. Feel free to contact me, if you’d like to discuss this more.
I just thought i’d Share that health changes don’t have to be weight related. My husband is NOT fat at all, but he struggles with chronic pain from various physical injuries, and a semi sensitive stomach. I struggle with chronic pain from physical injuries and emotional eating (so I am overweight). Even though we struggle with different issues, our overarching goal to ‘get healthy’ has brought us closer together. We now exercise together (and motivate each other to exercise separately too) and are both learning more about nutrition and how what you eat affects so many different things. Even just learning this stuff together has brought us emotionally closer!
Hi E, I’m so happy to hear this! And you are so right, getting healthy definitely isn’t just about weight. It’s about the whole you – it’s about being made whole. It also points to other areas of your life that need attention such as a marital relationship. When you work as a team and rely on each other, that helps to meet your emotional needs and thereby reducing emotional eating. I wish you all the best and pray that your combined efforts to get healthy become effortless.
I have been married for 23 years & am struggling with being attracted to & not angry with my husband who has gained 100 pounds since we were married. We have spent so much money trying diet related stuff for him to lose weight but then for him to gain it all back again & more. I have tried to support him by cooking him healthy meals but he resists & have asked him to exercise with me but he has refused that as well. It is such a struggle for me to not say anything and not get angry when he continues to eat unhealthy & not care that he continues to gain weight. He does not want to use proven scientific ways to lose weight b/c he wants to eat what he thinks will lose the weight which has proven to fail. I know people say to only change yourself but how do I approach this subject with my husband so he will see how it is affecting our marriage? I feel like I’m banging my head against the wall. I want him to be healthy & around a long time for our family. My cousin recently had a major heart attack & I thought that might wake my husband up but hasn’t seemed to affect him. I don’t want to grow unattracted to him & have a dull marriage. Please help!
Hi Amanda,
I know how frustrating it can be to watch a loved one destroy themselves with food. When I started my journey, my husband (25 years) was NOT onboard me – at all! He was fed up with trying things just to regain the weight. I initially couldn’t convince him to join me. I had to start alone and when he saw my progress and someone mistook me for his daughter, that seemed to wake him up. One day, he asked me to only give him what I am eating. I didn’t give a speech or a lecture, I just showed him my progress. All that you really can do is continue eating healthy yourself, and let him know (in the most loving way possible) that you only want him to be healthy so you both can live a long happy life together. He may be suffering from some depression or hasn’t been processing his emotions properly – you can offer loving help and understanding there. I’m sure he doesn’t want to be overweight, but there is something emotionally and biologically (sugar addiction is real), that keeps him craving the wrong thing. So gently try to help him break the cycle. And pray for God’s guidance so that your husband can see your heart and respond to that.
Thank you so much for your honesty in this post. My heart and mind needed to be reminded that my husband is the one the Lord has given me to struggle and rejoice in life with rather than food. I am a new reader and I am so thankful for this community, blog and ministry of yours.
Welcome, Leah!
Hi Leah! I’m so glad this post was a gentle reminder. Sometimes we forget that we can find comfort in our husbands and vice versa.
Thank you for this post and even comments of readers, so that i accumulate some tips for me.