What did God show you about marriage in 2018?
2018 got billed by many as a “bad” year. And maybe, for you, that’s true. Maybe you were desperate to turn the calendar to January so you could see the fresh start. Or maybe 2018 was bliss and you’re concerned 2019 won’t measure up.
Here’s what I know for certain: no matter what season of life we’re in, no matter how hard or easy a period of our life we’re experiencing, God has things to teach us. One of the main ways he teaches us to be more like himself is through our marriages. Think about it – our spouse is the person who we depend upon most. We build a life together. The stakes in that relationship are incredibly high. And, unlike with our parents or our children, we choose who we marry. Living with the consequences of that choice, both positive and negative, is a major means of our sanctification.
Last week I asked readers on Facebook for what God taught them about marriage in 2018 and I got some great responses. I asked my assistant Joanna to pull together ten of the best ones, and I thought you may enjoy them and be encouraged, too! (And you may enjoy some of the rabbit trails I’m leaving for you all here, too!)
1. Remembering my husband is God’s child first
God taught me that my husband is firstly his son, then my husband. God loves him more than me (crazy?!) and will look after him when I can’t.
Love this! In fact, Thought #1 in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage is that Your Husband is Your Neighbour. Sometimes we find it easier to be nicest to strangers. With those we love, we can think of all the reasons they don’t deserve it. But it’s okay to be kind! Here are 25 ways you can start:
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2. Learning to communicate with questions
How to ask good questions. For example: instead of asking “what’s wrong” or “are you mad at me?” – I ask “I think we are not on the same page, I noticed this… Do you agree or did we get off somewhere different?”
Great thoughts! In fact, one thing that I’ve found that’s helped us when resolving conflict is to stop thinking of it as a conflict, and start thinking, “what is it that I need from this situation right now? What does my spouse need?” That really turns everything around!
3. Adjusting perspective to thrive not just survive
We did a lot of “let’s just get through this”. Which led us into a very unhealthy path of just getting through everything and not seeing the joy… We are still working on it. But recognizing this was huge.
We’ve gone through periods of our marriage where that happened too! I shared it in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, but here’s the short version of why we grew apart for a time.
4. Weathering the storms can make you better
That trials can make your relationships stronger if you let it as you hold each other up.
This is actually true. You know, right after our son died, one of his cardiologists told us, “you should know that 50% of couples who go through this divorce within a year.” That was hardly helpful.
Nevertheless, Keith and were determined not to let that happen, and I think walking through something like that really did help us grow together, rather than apart. Here’s a bit of my story:
5. Working together–teamwork makes the dream work
We are ALWAYS on the SAME team.
Amen! One of the reasons that people fight so much is that we forget that we’re on the same team. Marriage should not be a win-lose situation, where one of you gets what you want. It should be win-win, where you both get something good. That’s how you really find peace! And that’s Thought #7 in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage.
6. Prioritizing your relationship as a couple
Fitting in time for just the two of us is critical.
Absolutely! Don’t drift apart. Here are some posts to help:
Like this post so far? You should also check out:
7. Checking in with yourself before conflict arises
To be aware of my inner moods (I.e. is my anxiety level going way up? Is it out of proportion with the situation? Why might that be?) And then to deal with my own emotions first before I give in to the “shortcut” of picking a fight to relieve my inner tension.
I’m so glad someone mentioned this, because I think we forget how often this happens! One day your husband may come in late and it doesn’t bother you at all. The next day you have a conniption. His actions are the same; your reactions are not, because often, when we get ticked off, it’s about something going on with us.
Not ALWAYS. But often. And it’s good practice to ask yourself, “is this something to do with me or with him?” before you get upset.
8. Understanding that selfishness isn’t okay
God has taught me so much this year. He’s taught me that selfishness has no part in a Godly marriage. He’s taught me to take joy in my husband in every situation. Whether stressful or happiness. I’m so proud of the man I married!!
Amen! When we stop looking at everything bad that is happening, and find gratitude, life is a lot better.
I love what John Gottmann said about the two keys to a successful marriage, which fit in great here. I’m afraid that most people won’t see that these apply to them–but please read with an open mind!
9. Persevering–Just keep swimming!
That it can always get better. Even if you already have a good marriage, it can always be better. And it’s worth fighting daily for.
What are you doing to keep your marriage growing this year? Here are 10 marriage habits. Maybe one of them is just what you need to keep persevering!
10. Remembering the romance
To remember how we were as a dating and newly married couple and to hold on to that!
Before we’re married we often can’t stop touching each other, but so often the passion disappears. Some quick ways to reignite passion:
Marriage Shouldn’t Be BORING!
Thanks for sticking around for 2018! I’m excited for what’s going to happen in 2019, including the podcast that launches this Thursday.
Let me know–did God show you anything new about marriage in 2018? Let’s talk in the comments!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
This was the year I learned it’s ok to ask my kids to sacrifice sometimes for our marriage. As in, “no, you can’t go to your friends that night, we already told you we’re having a date night and you’re holding the fort here.”
This was the year I learned that sometimes it’s ok to not feel like we’re on the same page – life does that – but if we don’t feel like we’re in the same book it’s time for a long walk and talk!
This was the year I learned that I will find what I’m looking for; if I’m looking for problems I will find them, but if I’m looking for the good things they are still there even on days when everything’s going wrong.
Oh, Emily, those are great! I wish I had had your first one. I totally would have used that–that it’s okay to ask your kids to sometimes sacrifice for your marriage. Yep.
And it’s even okay to ask your kids to sometimes sacrifice for you! I remember when I was out of town speaking and the kids were teens, sometimes Katie would have to miss her skating if grandparents couldn’t drive her. But I didn’t fuss about that. It’s just part of life.
I have friends, though, who haven’t even let kids miss things when they were in the hospital, even if it meant paying for cabs and calling a ton of friends. It added so much stress, for something that wasn’t that important anyway.
We’re a family. It’s okay to be inconvenienced for others. It really is!
I calculate 2018 as a bit of a rough road in comparison to 2017 in some ways yet we and I experienced great growth in many other ways in 2018. I think having some rough stuff to deal with and how we and I responded to it helped with the growth part. I got a laundry list of things to share but instead I will keep it simple to my #1 personal and marriage best growth areas: Personally I was SO much better not yelling at my kids in 2018. What a success. Unfortunately I can be very nasty to my kids which I hate to admit and 2018 was such a success comparatively to the past. In our marriage I would have to say Grace and I being a team which was mentioned in the 10 list was our area of major growth. We dealt with some of my personal crap (mental health issues) and parenting areas where we butt heads and we have learned how to fight fair and we have learned how to parent together better and support each other. The team work we had when we first met is starting to return and gel again after all these years. What I am seeing is that when you start working as a team in one area of your marriage, it seems to spread to other areas. Example – I am the one working on myself constantly both personally and in our marriage. I stir the pot trying to improve stuff. Last year I took the initiative by my wife’s request to change how I support her in our parenting roles. With out me directly asking, my wife is now actively taking part in working on herself and making changes for herself and our marriage. So because we are a team we are making changes for the better. Sometimes it is straight out discussed and other times it is a passive change made by seeing what the other needs or wants. It really is cool when you think about it. Love at it’s best.
and I want to add that I am a direct person. Maybe it is a guy thing. You got a problem? Tell me and I will fix it/address it. For my wife and maybe it’s a woman thing. She wants me to see the problem without her saying anything. Then when I see it I am not really supposed to say anything I am just supposed to change. If I can do that ( I used to call this reading her mind) this makes her stupendously happy. When we work as a team I can actually do this to a degree and of course she can do this already LOL but no seriously she does it too…
So true, Phil: “What I am seeing is that when you start working as a team in one area of your marriage, it seems to spread to other areas.” Totally agree!
And I hear you with the yelling. I was a yeller. The kids didn’t do that much to aggravate me, but when they did, I would lose it too much. I did write about how to stop yelling at your kids, and I really did get it under control. But it’s the one big thing I did wrong, and I told Rebecca to talk about that in her book Why I Didn’t Rebel!
Mmm, #7 & 8!!! I’ve struggled with #7 for as long as I can remember, and selfishness has always been one of my weaknesses. Those are both things I plan on being more conscious of in 2019.
With regards to #7, here’s a funny description of the time we went shopping in Ikea–the day I should have blown up, but didn’t.
That’s a great article!!! I shared it with my husband. We both have a tendency to fight fire with fire when the other is in an argumentative mood… something we’re trying to get ahold of before our kids get much older and start learning those made habits from us. It’s definitely a spiritual battle for us.
Sheila, can you make the podcast available on a none iTune platform, please? Not all of us have access to iTune but we desperately can benefit from your wisdom. Thank you!
The podcast will be available on a variety of platforms aside from iTunes, including spotify, too, which is a free streaming platform. 🙂
Yay! Spotify!
I don’t reckon I learned anything too earthshattering. I learned that sometimes, we have to make hard decisions and do difficult things to improve our marriage.
My sister (who in many ways is much wiser than I am) told me this, when I was debating whether to return to my husband or stay apart awhile longer: that if we all (me, my husband, and our baby son,) were so miserable none of us could think straight, then even if there wasn’t a big change, it wasn’t helpful for us. She also pointed out that I’d only said I’d stay away until there was a change, not that it had to be big: even a small shift in attitude counts as a change.
Because of her wisdom I returned to my husband, and while we have had disagreements from time to time, they have been worked out and there have been no more huge fights.