Am I a lesbian? Is oral sex really okay? How do I trust my husband again?

On Mondays I like to run reader questions and take a stab at answering them, but it’s the end of the year pretty much and I have such a huge backlog that I thought I’d try to tackle 5 of them today, linking to some other posts I’ve written to help answer them. So here goes!

1. Why Do I Like Lesbian Porn?

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Reader Question

I’m 18 years old, and unfortunately I got into watching porn. One had a clip of two women kissing. I immediately turned it off but the image seemed to stick in my mind. I often day dream about kissing my future husband and making love, but then recently these random women began showing up with us or he suddenly looked like one. Do I actually like girls as well as men? Before all this I only ever thought about men, and it’s freaking me out.
I hear your confusion! I can’t tell you what your sexuality actually is, but I can tell you this: If beforehand you only ever were attracted to men, then it’s very likely that you’re still just attracted to men. Studies have shown that the majority of heterosexual women do get aroused by lesbian porn. It’s just a fact. So I wouldn’t jump to any conclusions there.

The important thing is that you fight the urge to watch porn, because that’s the root of your current problem, and it can cause all kinds of other problems. Porn rewires the brain so that what becomes arousing is an image/fantasy/scenario rather than a relationship, and it can make it very difficult to get aroused just be a person, without having to fantasize about something you’ve seen. It makes sex impersonal, rather than about truly making love.

So I’d say this:

Figure out when you’re tempted to watch porn, and then address those triggers

Is it when you’re bored? Alone? Stressed? Up late at night? If it’s late at night, then always charge your computer/phone/iPad in the kitchen at night, rather than taking them into your bedroom. If it’s because you’re bored, have a list of things to do if you find yourself bored. If it’s because you’re alone a lot, make plans to go out with friends more often.

When thoughts enter your head, turn those thoughts to something else

If images from porn enter your head, decide to think about something else. It’s possible to reject those images and focus your mind somewhere healthy.

More posts about women and porn:

2. My Husband Sex “Video Chats” with Other Women

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Reader Question

Our problem is sexting, chatting and videos. After our daughter was stillborn (10 yrs ago) his coping mechanism was sexual chats. These eventually led to pics and videos with women (I found out 5 yrs ago). They are always different women, ones he “hooks up with” on dating sites or Craigslist and then hangs out with in Google chat. He says he has never had a physical or emotional affair…..it is always about control and release. He hates what he is doing and tries to fight but I don’t know that I can keep dealing with his habit and lies. (As an aside….I never want to have sex, both bc my hormones are screwed up and I don’t trust him, but I am willing to have it, but he doesn’t want me to be willing, he wants me to want it, and I can’t convincingly lie that I do want it, so we don’t have sex much). We both feel helpless on how to fight this….any suggestions you can give?
Okay, no wonder you don’t want sex if he’s busy sexting with other women! Seriously. Stop blaming yourself. And don’t let him blame you either. It is totally natural to not want sex with someone you can’t trust.

The issue here is that your husband has broken trust with you, and he has made no effort to show you that he is going to rebuild the marriage. You say he tries to fight, but it doesn’t sound like he’s very successful. So I would do these things:

See a counsellor together, preferably one who is Christian who understands the need for trust in a relationship

Go to counselling together to figure out why he does this when he’s stressed (it sounds like it was triggered by stress and grief, but this is not a normal or healthy response to stress or grief). And then figure out a game plan so that he stops.

Start spending time together to rebuild your friendship

Friendship is really the key to trust. When you feel as if you care about each other, it’s easier to trust one another. So find some hobbies to do together. Pick a date night once a week or once every other week where you do something fun (even if it’s an at-home date night). Play board games together. Do a daily check-in where you talk about your day.

Decide what you will and will not tolerate

What will you do if you catch him again? Are there any consequences for breaking trust? It’s important to think through this and decide what it is you will tolerate in your relationship.

Until you’ve done all these things, don’t worry about your sex life. In fact, I think it’s perfectly legitimate to say that you’re going to take a moratorium on sex for a few months until you get a plan in place so that you know that he is getting mentally and spiritually healthy and won’t do this again, and you are rebuilding trust.

Read these posts:

They’re on sexting or porn or strip clubs, and even if they don’t apply directly to you, they do all deal with breaking trust in similar ways, and I think they may be helpful:

3. I’m a Newlywed and I Hate Sex

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Reader Question

I’ve been married for 3 months now. I have been wildly surprised and disappointed to discover how much I hate sex. My friends who are married said it wasn’t fun at first, but none of them have had difficulties this long. In your course you mention just enjoying the ride without worrying about the climax, but what do you suggest when there is no part of it that’s enjoyable, and it is generally uncomfortable? I find myself often literally gritting my teeth to get through. By the time we’re finished I’m frustrated and bitter, and feel more alienated from my husband instead of closer.
I’m so sorry! That does sound awful. I’m not sure what you mean by feeling uncomfortable, though. If it’s that it physically hurts, it could be that you have vaginismus. I remember gritting my teeth to get through, and I did have vaginismus, which is a condition where the muscles in your vagina tense up, making sex extremely painful (gritting your teeth makes that worse, by the way!). If that’s the case, try my resource page on vaginismus.

31DaysCover 120 - Reader Questions: Am I a Lesbian, Why Do I Hate Sex, and More!If it’s not actual pain, then I’d suggest stopping what you’re doing right now and back up that truck a bit. Sex is supposed to be mutual, and women’s sexual pleasure matters, and if you get used to having sex when it’s only for him, you’ll end up resentful, and it won’t be a good dynamic.

So stop altogether and go back to basics. You need to figure out what you like and what you enjoy having touched, without intercourse. I’d start with 31 Days to Great Sex, my book to help you learn how to make sex great. The first few exercises are really only about talking through your feelings, and then they’re about touching each other and they grow slowly from there before it gets racier. But going back to those exercises where all you’re doing is touching and discovering what feels good is likely the first step! I hope that helps.

4. I Had Sex Before Marriage. Am I Tainted?

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Reader Question

I am a woman who has known Jesus my whole life and was baptized early. Unfortunately I made a mistake by choosing a boyfriend that didn’t have the Christian values he pretended to have. He ended up touching me quite a lot under the belt line. I broke up with him – but the scars that he had given me by heavy petting and that i suddenly had been touched a place where only my husband was supposed to touch me were with me. I brought that in to my next relationship because I had pictures of what my ex and I did in my head – because i still felt ashamed, so I needed to get those pictures out from my head and I did that by sinning with my then currently boyfriend. Now I’m engaged and I’m very sad to say that I have had sex before marriage–and i feel so impure and in a way I was so sad because I felt like i betrayed God . We have been fighting as a couple with letting go of the sexual part because we of course long for each other. But I feel like I’m such a bad christian because i wasn’t strong enough to keep myself away from the temptation. I also read in the bible that God punishes sexual sin – is that true? and have Jesus not taken that punishment away from us?
First, congratulations on finding a man who loves God! That’s great.

Now, you’ve done something that you regret with him, and you’re right–you should stop having sex until after the wedding. When we have sex before we’re married, we often confuse physical intimacy with emotional intimacy. One of the reasons that God wants us to wait until marriage for sex is so that we can truly get to know each other and have those close conversations, and having sex makes you feel close when you might otherwise not be. It also can change the way we see sex, and it does often affect your sex life later.

At the same time, sexual sin is not a worse sin than other sins. God does not punish it more. He does not get angrier with you over sexual sin than He does other sin. We treat it that way, but we shouldn’t. The difference is that sexual sin affects us more than other sins, and that’s why it’s trickier. But no, God is not angrier at you now than about other sins, and we need to stop thinking that.

I would say this: If you’ve struggled to do what you want to do, and what you know God wants you to do, then I’d also recommend that you make sure that you’re in a really good Christian community where you can grow in relationship with God. By that I mean make sure you’re in a strong Christian community, like I talked about last week, where it’s about authenticity and humility, not just about following rules. A church that talks all the time about rules but has no way for people to be real with each other is not a church that will help you get to know Jesus and lean on Him.

Here are some posts that can help you:

5. We Find Oral Sex Weird Now that We’re Parents

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Reader Question

We used to be more open and willing to try things in the bedroom but after we brought our wonderful son into this world, oral sex made us uncomfortable because he sometimes eats and drinks after us & gives us kisses. We both have admitted we miss it sometimes, but can’t help but feel like it’s dirty.

Great question! Okay, oral sex can transmit some diseases. For example, if someone has herpes, and has cold sores, and they then perform oral sex, it can spread genital herpes. Similarly, if they have genital herpes, and you perform oral sex, you can then get herpes, including cold sores, and can transmit that to your child.

The problem here, though, is not oral sex per se but the herpes virus. So make sure no one has an STD.

Good Girls High Res 250 - Reader Questions: Am I a Lesbian, Why Do I Hate Sex, and More!Beyond that, I’d just say that mouthwash covers a whole lot, and I really don’t think you need to worry about things like that.Your child is far more likely to pick up germs from putting random toys that have been on the floor into his mouth than by eating your food. Or if you’re worried about germs, your child is far more likely to catch a cold virus from kissing you than he is to catch anything else.

It sounds like the issue is far less about germ transmission and far more about feeling as if you can’t be both a super hot wife and a good mom at the same time (How can my mouth do THAT if my baby might touch my mouth?). Read The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, if you haven’t done so yet, because it helps you see that sex was something that God designed for us. It’s not dirty. It’s a beautiful part of marriage, and it’s important to your child’s well-being that you and your husband have a great sex life! So don’t hold back just because now your parents.

By the way, none of this is to say that you MUST have oral sex–just that staying away from it because now you’re parents when you enjoyed it before could be a sign of something far more problematic with the way you see sex. Let’s get back to the heart of the issue: sex is not dirty, but it can really be both hot and holy!

Whew. That’s a whole bunch of questions! I’m glad I could clear at least a little of the backlog.

What do you think? Any more words of wisdom for these 5 women? Leave it in the comments!

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