I have a lot of guys who read the blog, and I get tons of emails from guys, and the most common problem I hear about is, “my wife never wants sex!”
So today I want to present 10 of the most common reasons I’ve come across why a woman may say “no”. If you’re one of my female readers, read the list, and if you think I’m missing something, chime in in the comments! And if you’re a guy, read the list and see if any resonate with you–and then talk to your wife about them. (And if that’s hard to do, here’s a post I wrote a while ago to start get the conversation about valuing sex in marriage going).
So here are 10 reasons your wife might not want sex:
1. She doesn’t feel connected to you.
In The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I summed it up this way:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
Men make loved in order to feel loved, whereas women need to feel loved in order to make love.
To a woman, to have sex after you haven’t talked much in a while feels strange at best, and insulting or degrading at worst. If you haven’t shown that you care what’s going on in her heart, and if you haven’t shared your heart, it’s hard for her to want to open up. For her, sex means getting physically vulnerable. That’s hard to do. If she doesn’t feel as if you’ve been emotionally vulnerable, then sex is often off the table.
For you, of course, sex is often the doorway into emotional vulnerability, since you feel so close to her afterwards. But realize that for her, she needs you to open up first. So spend some time talking and doing stuff together first! Some ideas:
2. She feels overwhelmed.
Women are multitaskers; because we feel so responsible for everyone in our lives, it’s hard for us to turn off the voices in our head that are always reminding us of things that need doing. We feel constant stress about stuff that needs to get done. If there are too many things on our plate, we won’t be able to relax at night. And because women need to be able to concentrate on sex in order for our bodies to feel good (if our heads aren’t in the game, our bodies won’t follow), then feeling overwhelmed kills our sex drive. For men, sex is nice distraction. For women, distractions make sex virtually impossible.
The solution? Help her not feel so overwhelmed! Talk to her about what’s on her plate. Help her through figuring out how to say no to some things. Help her with some of the evening routines, like making lunches for the next day or putting kids in bed. Spend the last 15 minutes of the day helping her think through and talk through what needs to be done tomorrow, so that she can let it go.
3. She has tunnel vision (often for the kids; or for her job)
When something is on our minds, it’s difficult to stop obsessing about it. While men often operate in boxes, and can switch from one box to the next, when something is really worrying us, or when there’s a big challenge ahead, it’s hard to put it aside. Whether it’s a sick child or a parent who is in trouble; a big project due at work; or a friend in crisis, if something is on our hearts, it’s hard to concentrate on sex (and again–sex needs our brain to be present!)
What to do: If she’s worried, listen to her. Let her talk. Pray with her. Be patient. Sometimes she needs the reminder to put things in God’s hands!
Women don’t always say “no” just because they don’t want to have sex, they usually have a reason. Here’s 10 reasons that she might have and what you can do to to help!
4. She’s simply exhausted.
Yes, sex helps you sleep better. But when you are really tired, sex doesn’t seem that appealing.
What to do: Too make you sure neither of you are too tired for sex, take the initiative in setting a bedtime for both of you. Go to bed at a decent hour every night, together. Take as much of the responsibility for some of the housework and childcare as you reasonably can. A good rule of thumb is this: If she is working, then you should be, too. After dinner, if she’s busy cleaning up or putting the kids to bed, then make sure you find a task that needs doing as well!
5. Sex doesn’t feel that great.
Let’s face it: men pretty much always climax during sex. Women don’t. And for many women, sex just doesn’t feel that great. Maybe orgasm is elusive for her. Maybe she’s never figured out how to make it feel good. Maybe she’s said to you, “It’s okay, honey, I don’t mind. I just like feeling close to you.” Eventually that gets old. And it’s hard to keep having sex year after year if she honestly doesn’t feel good.
The solution: Figure out how to make it feel good for her! Remember that her sexual pleasure matters (and talk to her about it, because she may have a hard time believing it!). Work through 31 Days to Great Sex with her, because it will help her figure out what feels good!
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6. Sex feels degrading, like you’re using her.
God designed sex to be threefold: spiritually intimate (feeling like you’re one); emotionally intimate; and physically intimate. Unfortunately, sometimes in our culture we focus so much on the physical that sex actually becomes impersonal. If you’ve used porn, for instance, and she knows that you derive sexual pleasure from looking at other women, then she’ll feel like sex is dirty. You don’t really want HER; you just want release. And you may even be thinking about those images when you’re with her!
Now, that may not be the case. But if you’ve used porn, that’s often what she’ll fear. Show her that you’re getting real about addressing the porn issue in your life. Get Covenant Eyes on your computer. Join an accountability group. Tell her what steps you’re going to take to make sure that the next time you feel stressed, you’ll have something else to turn to rather than porn.
Or perhaps the problem is not with you at all. Perhaps she grew up with sex being used as a weapon against her, and she was abused or assaulted. Then it’s very hard to get excited about sex in your marriage. If that’s the case, help her get counselling, and encourage her to read The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex to get a different perspective on what sex is supposed to be.
7. Her hormone levels are all over the place.
Yes, hormones play a huge part in a woman’s libido! And when our hormones are out of whack, then our libido may be, too.
If you fear that there’s something really wrong, encourage her to see a doctor. But also educate yourselves on how to best support her hormones. Start eating real food, and not so much packaged foods. Exercise. Get good sleep.
8. She doesn’t feel a great need for it, but she does feel a need for other things.
For you, sex may be one of your primary needs. But if she lives a really busy life, her primary need may be something very different. Maybe what she needs to feel at peace is a few hours every week by herself, with no kids hanging off of her and no demands on her. Maybe she needs some time to read a book, pursue a hobby, or even just have a bubble bath. Ask her, “what do you currently feel like you have no time to do but, if you did it, it would help you feel like you’re on an even keel?” And then help her find time every week to do that one thing!
God made sex to be AWESOME!
It’s supposed to be great physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Feel like something’s missing?
9. She hates her body.
You may look at her and want her. But if she feels as if she doesn’t measure up, then it’s hard for her to feel sexy.
So much of a woman’s libido is tied up in feeling like she is desired. The really miserable part for you men, though, is that it isn’t enough for you to actually desire her. She has to feel as if she’s worthy of being desired. And so if she feels fat, or if she feels as if her body has gone downhill, then it’s hard for her to feel uninhibited.
So boost her self-image! Don’t tell her that you don’t think she’s attractive, unless you want to kill your sex life. Talk to her about what specifically you like about her body. When you’re relaxing together, touch her there and tell her, “I love looking at this.” And tell her WHY you love her, too.
10. Your hygiene isn’t the best it could be.
Having unpleasant conversations is difficult, and many women just avoid them. I have so many women send me in questions saying, “How can I tell my husband that I don’t like making love to him when he hasn’t brushed his teeth first?” And this has been going on for years! They’ve been avoiding sex, or trying to make sex go as quickly as possible and getting very little out of it, because they’re afraid to say, “your breath stinks.”
This one is so easy to fix! Before you try to initiate sex with your wife, take a shower. Brush your teeth. And put on pyjamas with no holes in them! See if that makes a difference.
So there you go! 10 reasons why women often try to avoid sex. Remember–I also have several books and a course on how to boost your libido that can help women see sex differently. But today, I thought I’d help men try to see it from the wife’s point of view.
So, women, have I missed anything? Or guys, what do you think of this list? Let’s talk in the comments!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
He spent time being angry with the kids-
Nothing kills the mood more than you’ve treated our children poorly…
Yes! I often get very upset and indignant when I know the kids didn’t deserve the punishment/scolding or at least so harsh of one. It’s amazing how my husband almost seems to plan those things right before we go to “lie down for a bit”. I know it’s actually Satan trying to ruin our time of intimacy, but the fact that I have to address/rebuke my husband is exhausting. He usually apologizes as he sometimes can be very unaware of how he comes across to our kids, but it nevertheless is a huge turn off and takes quite a bit to relax and try again.
Alicia, if your husband knows that you are about “to go lie down for a bit” then he will lose his temper with anyone or anything that stands between him and that marriage bed. Does not matter who it is: your kids, his mom, pastor, Etc. in that moment he has a one track mind and anyone that is not you is just in the way. I suggest just not telling him until after the kids are in bed and then surprise him with a passionate initiation that he will actually recognize as an initiation.
Oh my gosh that is genius! Thanks dude. I have been really learning lately about proper timing. Since women are so speghetti brained, me for sure, I feel like I need to say something before I forget it. But Ive found it can be at not so great times. Thanks for the reminder.
Oh, so true.
Sometimes surprise her with flowers or a small gift when she is not expecting it. It will make her feel appreciated and draw her cliser go you . Sometimes even a kiss when cooking the small things.
I very much agree with this one!
What do I do when my wife says “we can’t while kids are awake or home.” Our youngest is 9. That’s a long time to wait. It’s gotten to the point where the only time we’re intimate is when we are alone in a hotel. What’s more upsetting, she finds reasons as to why we can’t go away.
Oh, dear. Really? Like not when they’re at home at all? That’s just not feasible. I think I’d ask her something like this:
What is it that you’re afraid of?
Most people have sex while their children are asleep in their bedrooms. Why do you think this is wrong?
It sounds like her issues are more a deep seated problem with sex in general–that it’s somehow bad. Will she read my book The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, which could give her a different perspective?
It might not be that she’s afraid of anything, but rather that she finds herself distracted by the children’s needs, even if they are asleep. Perhaps the only time she feels “free” enough to engage in sex, is when she has physical distance. As if she finally gets to take off her “mom hat” and put on her “fun” hat. I don’t mean this in a bad way, but it kind of sounds like she worries a lot, which might also be the reason why she’s finding reasons not to go away. Sometimes fear over money, or having other people watch our kids, etc. can get in the way of ever taking off our “mom hat,” even if she would really like to do so. If this is the case, talk through her fears with her, and do things to help her feel more at ease. Like, if she’s worried about money, make a budget together that shows her you can afford the overnight at the hotel. Or, if she doesn’t feel comfortable with leaving the kids for a long period, do short daytime dates away, until she’s more comfortable with leaving overnight. When us women feel like we can breathe and have fun, we’re much more likely to want to have sex.
It’s been over a year since I’ve been intimate with my wife. We used to be everyday for years then it was every other for a while and then it just stopped and I’ve heard every excuse and I’ve also done everything to help her . I work a lot and she stays home with our combined 6 kids but only 3 are full time there. I love my wife and she is the love of my life but after a year and it was only once and almost a year before that. She gets furious if I bring it up and straight mean if I suggested counseling. She makes comments like if I ever cheated I’d be out the door and never see the kids but I’m lost hurt and even blame myself a lot. Idk what to do cause she has all of the 10 reasons . I’ve considered divorce but I really want to spend the rest of my life with her. I don’t get it, there is soo much more I could say cause I’ve done tried it all and talked as much as she will have and nothing, NO INTIMACY, I feel like a paycheck and a roommate and a partner to raise kids. It’s funny to me how our friends say they envy our love for each other , I don’t say anything but at this point I get so upset, frustrated, hurt, pissed off, you name it. If I say anything she says it’s all you say (not true) it’s her defense to not talk, if I cuddle she gets mad and either moves or says bubble space, if I kiss her passionately she stops and says enough, if I ignore she doesn’t notice, I feel completely disconnected and am losing myself and find I’m more angry and irritable and it not even about sex any more it’s about connecting to someone I used to read by looking at her. Wish you could help
I’m so sorry, Scott. I hear that same story from so many men. You are not alone. The only thing that can change it is if you take a firm stand and tell her that you have to get counseling and figure this out. However, that could blow up the marriage, and you may want to stay together to help the kids. But this isn’t healthy what she’s doing–for you or for herself. I pray that you’ll have a breakthrough.
As a married man I feel the same as you scott. Work 60 hours a week to support her and the kids. My work has allowed her to go to school to get her degree. There are times where I feel like a paycheck and just some roomate. I’ve tried it all, helping with cleaning, taking care of the kids, helping her with homework, literally everything and it still doesn’t change. I’m over it and tired of being made out like a bad person for wanting to have a intimate relationship with my wife. It’s hard because she will not talk about it, and this makes it even more hard. I’ve had multiple woman approach me at the store, work or somewhere else and I always stay faithful, but thats getting harder everday. Just sucks feeling helpless in a situation like this, when there is no reason for this.
Terrible. I think you need to take a stand, even if it could undo your marriage. You only have one life and shouldn’t be made to squander it on a selfish person. Best wishes for a happy outcome.
She is afraid to get pregnant again. Try to counter it and it will work!!!
Sounds like she has Intimacy Anorexia. Check out Dr. Doug Weiss…
As someone going through marriage counseling right now (who’s husband started first), I say – find a great Christian counselor for you personally and do everything you can to get emotionally healthy. You’re prob right about out one thing – her abstinence is not about sex. A good counselor will help you unravel the story. Here’s a truth you can take to the bank: of the sexiest things to a woman, is a husband who is self aware. So…. counseling.
Wow Scott, that is almost word perfect to my situation. Intimate only twice in 2 years, initiated by myself, and honestly not enjoyable as I knew she didn’t really want to be there.
I have tried everything too, gifts, holidays, helping out, listening too her to outright pleading.
Too all women reading this, there is nothing more de-mascilating, humiliating or soul destroying than the constant no. Why always no, what is wrong with me?
I have slept on sofa for 6 years. I feel like a joke, disconnected, lost and crushingly alone….
I would say you pretty much hit it on the nail with this post. I can’t think of anything to add at the moment.
Dont use her past as a weapon!!! No matter if it was before your marriage, during your dating, or even after marriage. If she has left it behind and at the feet of Jesus please don’t drag it back up and put it in her lap. We ALL have baggage of some sort. No one likes to be made to feel bad or guilted about something they worked hard to let go of. You may get more sex for a bit but it won’t last and what you do get won’t be quality.
Great one! I’ve got a post on recovering from sexual baggage here, too.
Yup, I have avoided or turned down sex for every one of those 10 reasons at some point unfortunately. I have also had sex despite feeling one or two of them at the time and it sure didn’t help. Just made me go off sex even more.
But as the years go on it’s getting easier to talk to each other frankly and therefore being more able to work things out. One real biggie for me was when I realized my husband desired intimacy, not release. It made me so more receptive.
“When I realized my husband desired intimacy, not release.” Well said. I think that most of us men don’t realize that what we really want (and need) is relational intimacy. We’ve been fed the lie for all our lives that sex is about just “getting off” and not about opening our hearts. And that leads to a degrading attitude that treats a man’s wife as just a place to have an orgasm.
On his blogs, Paul Byerly has often challenged men to think about the possibility that our need for sex isn’t so much about the fullness in our pants as it is the emptiness in our hearts. If wives AND husbands understood this better, it would go a long way to defusing marital conflicts about sex.
Absolutely agree!
My husband is frustrated with my lack of initiating sex. I find it very hard to start things and I’ve read the tips over and over but I still can’t bring myself to do anything. I’m at a list as to what to do next.
I really don’t want to have sex with my husband. I love him but not in that way. I know he must be fed up. We’ve been married 32 years. I need to tell him that I love him but not in that way but cant bring myself to do so. He has had cancer for 8 years and in all honesty I’ve wanted to leave a few times but for this reason have carried on.
Yes! So good. I think that there’s been a big confusion about what men really need from sex. We women hear that they need “release every 3 days” or they’ll explode, and it really does turn us into objects. But for men, sex is the doorway for intimacy in many ways. It isn’t about release but connection in that way. That makes it much better to think about!
The “every three days” has some biological validity, but it’s not that I’ll explode. I believe that God built this into my body, even at the chemical level, to draw me back into intimacy with my wife. And I have to remember that sexual intimacy is only one component of the relational intimacy we call marriage, as God designed it. There are those who think that if we just give ourselves the right amounts of these chemicals, such as oxytocin, we’ll be happy as clams. But that denies the real need we have to know and be known, first by God, then by a mate.
Yes, that’s a very good way of putting it. Men do feel that urge for release quite frequently, but it ultimately isn’t about release. It’s about a need for connection. When we start talking about it that way, it’s much healthier for everyone.
Sheila, the problem is that except for some blogs like yours, virtually nobody, in or out of the church, talks about sex as relational connection. And as Christians, we usually fall into the trap of thinking that the way things are in the world today is the way God made them to be.
This is where our theology is important. Do we really believe that God created a perfect world and that marital sex was part of that perfect world? And do we really believe in the Fall? That when they sinned, Adam and Eve not only broke their relationship with God, but with each other, as well? That what we try to do when we work on our marriages (all aspects of our marriages) is really trying to cure a wound that will never be wholly cured in this world?
It’s only through grace, God’s grace, that we are able to have a truly healthy relationship with anyone else, much less our spouses. The only cure is the blood of Christ taking away our sin, and the Holy Spirit in a believer’s life changing him or her into the image of Christ.
As much good as you and other Christian marriage bloggers do (and you do a lot of good), the only hope for a wounded marriage is in Christ. When I read about so many trying to fix marriage problems without even once mentioning God, I cringe and start praying for them. I’ve been there, and God had to bring me to my knees. It was only when I started to get back into right relationship with Him that our marriage was turned around.
I always liked this way of expressing it: It’s like a triangle, with God at the top. As the two sides approach the apex, they actually draw nearer to each other.
Men should be aware that, concerning #4, sex can help you sleep if you orgasm.
Since I don’t orgasm, I find that sex even when I’m super tired wakes me up way a great deal. Then my husband rolls over and falls asleep, and I’m left lying next to him trying to fall asleep and count sheep for the next hour or two, leaving me even more tired the next day than I would have been had we not had sex. So if you’re wife doesn’t orgasm easily or can’t for whatever reason or you’re not willing to put in the time to help her finish, make sure you allow enough time for her to relax and get drowsy again before falling asleep.
Oh, wonderful point, Natalie! Absolutely. So important. Guys, her sexual pleasure matters, too! (And if you’re always left hanging in bed, this may help).
To this point, how should one respond to a wife who says she really never thinks of sex then seems to rush through on the rare occasion we do have sex. When I tell her I want to take more time, focusing on her and doing things to help her orgasm, she just says it’s not something she wants or needs. So, I find myself trying to convince her to let me please her, to no avail.
That’s actually quite common, Kevin. Many women just don’t consider orgasm all that important. If she’s willing, I’d have her read this post on why women’s sexual pleasure matters and this one on why enthusiasm matters. I know that can be frustrating!
Kevin,
Or it could just be frustration on her part. I’m one of those whom sex doesn’t feel good for. It doesn’t matter how much time my husband puts into it, I just hit a wall where things feel more irritating than pleasurable. And at that point, it’s hard to not see sex as something that I just want to be done so I can go vent my frustration doing something else. It’s not necessarily that you’re doing something wrong.
Becky thank you for saying that. The challenge personally is, it’t hard not to think I’m doing something wrong. Like – if only I were better for her, then she’d be interested in having sex more than every 2, 3 or 8 months at a time. That also makes it much more difficult for me to initiate anything, because if it’s not something she’s interested in, why should I try just for my own desire – be it physically or to feel intimately connected to her. It just becomes a vicious cycle that rattles around in my head that if only I was more satisfying to her, she’d be more interested.
And here I was feeling alone as like I’m the only woman with this problem.
I don’t even know what I feel or what I really want.
I know deep down that my husband’s thoughts, wants, and needs for sex is important….I just can’t make myself want it back no matter how hard he tries to meet any levels of physical or emotional needs he thinks it might take to get me there.
Plain and simple, I think I’m just lazy and want to be in a relaxed, no expectations, cuddle mode. Makes me seem horrible, I know but I don’t want to fake anything I don’t want to do because I’m not being true to him or myself.
Maybe there is more that lies beneath the issue, who knows.
Katie, what you said here is very interesting:: “I don’t want to fake anything I don’t want to do.” I think this is a problem many women have, and it stems from the fact that we don’t understand our sex drives. We think we have to be aroused BEFORE we start making love. in fact, the majority of women are only aroused after they start and some stimulation starts. I talk about this a lot in my Boost Your Libido course, but it’s such an important mind shift. It isn’t lying to start making love with the thought, “I don’t physically feel it yet, but I know I will, because I want to do this and I want to love my husband and feel amazing!”
Kevin,
Back up a bit and think about your intentions – do you sincerely want to please her, or are you just wanting her to orgasm? If the latter, then your wife may take that as you having YOUR agenda and not really being in tune with what she desires at that time. Perhaps she wants a back rub without your hands leading to her erogenous zones. Be in tune to the signals she’s giving with how she’s inviting you to touch her. Otherwise, it’s as if she hinted the desire for chocolate ice cream, but you already decided that you were going to bring her gummy bears. That’s nice, but not exactly what she wanted. It’s perfectly okay for you to have your gummy bears while she has her ice cream – they’re both yummy. By removing the focus of your agenda for her, and replacing it with meeting her desires, it then speaks in volumes that you truly want to please her.
Thank you so much Natalie. You have gone straight to the source of why we need blogs such as Shiela’s.
When we know why things are like they way they are, it helps us to assimilate the information, knowledge and wisdom that Shiela, other bloggers and the many wonderful comments that have been posted in response to this post.
I like what you said–we need to start from the center and work outwards, but most of the time, we start outwards to go towards the center.
God bless you,
Jemima.
Sheila, great list!
Can’t resist taking a shot at #11 —
“You’re Not Showing the Kind of Masculine Attributes that Women Find Sexy. ”
As a sex and relationship therapist, this is the one I hear most often in my office:
Woman say they’re turned off and don’t want sex with their husband because he:
a. Is passive and doesn’t initiate conversations or activities. (Similar perhaps to your #1)
b. Lacks confidence. Few women want to have sex with a man who feels inadequate or defeated.
c. Is too emotionally needy, or pouts and whines about the lack of sex.
d. Makes something into a joke, when it’s really serious.
e. Teases inappropriately.
f. Doesn’t express himself.
g. Withdraws.
h. Does the same annoying things over and over again, even after she’s told him she hates them.
As you can imagine, many of these result in “vicious cycles.”
Eager to hear whether this fits with what you and your readers think, or not.
I think those are all very true, too!
I would agree with all of these. Feeling like the man you married has regressed back to boyhood is a HUGE turnoff!
Oh Lordy… my husband hits all of those but c. No wonder we have trouble.
I’m sorry, Brievel!
Mine also
Oh my goodness, Dr. Snyder! You just hit 8 nails smack on their heads!
This is somewhat covered in your first point, but not feeling emotionally safe with my husband is a huge turn off. Between pornography, random angry outbursts at me and the kids, and ongoing alcohol abuse, he doesn’t feel like a safe place for my heart. The sexual result is that, while I can get aroused, it’s very rare for me to be able to orgasm. Historically I tend to have a fairly high drive and it’s been incredibly frustrating to not be able to orgasm. So I tend to do my best to avoid any sexual stimulation and our sex life consists of giving him hand jobs. It’s a really painful, sad mess. I wish that our relationship (sexual and otherwise) was one that would feel safe, healing, and enjoyable for both of us, but that’s not our reality.
Oh, I’m so sorry, Laura. Yes, that’s a huge one. When you don’t feel emotionally safe, you can’t become vulnerable with him (and for women especially, sex is all about vulnerability). I’m sorry. Do you have a good community around you to help you handle these things, because this sounds pretty serious?
Thank you. I have been seeing a professional therapist since early this year and she’s been a huge help. I also have opened up with several close friends and have been incredibly supportive. These aspects of my life really suck, but I’m SO grateful for the supportive, honest, Jesus-loving friends in my life. They are lifesavers.
That’s wonderful!
#11. She just has no interest in sex and does not care about it. Then tries to comfort you by saying “if it makes you feel any better, I don’t want sex with anyone else either.”
I’ve been married over 26 years. The thing that works for us is always letting the other person know that they are appreciated and understood.
This would definitely fit within #6. But she may not want to have sex with you if she has told you certain things are off limits, and you still try to do them occasionally.
I agree 100%. I’m dealing with this right now. I don’t trust him sexually right now because I have one boundary that he keeps trying to cross. I finally have to warn him before sex that if he tries this one thing that I will put a stop to it and I won’t have sex with him for a while. It’s very disrespectful and degrading to have him do something to you that you have firmly said you don’t want.
I completely agree.
Or because your husband lied extensively about his awful past, and you didn’t discover it until after marriage & it destroyed you. Betrayal trauma is the worst. There’s no one to talk to. No one who understands or cares. You’re alone.
That is very hard. Really hard, if you married someone not knowing the full story. I think the important question is, though, is that truly all in his past? Because if it is, and if you both know Jesus, none of that needs to affect you now. Depending on what the issue is, if it’s something that he has put behind him, then do you think you could as well? Again, maybe he’s not putting it behind him, or maybe it’s something with lots of current ramifications (like an STD or a child that he didn’t tell you about), but if he’s moved on, then to torture yourself about something that he did when he was a different person just hurts you. I don’t know if that’s the scenario, but I did write a post on that here.
I have read that pot before, and literally hundreds of others as well as books regarding it. They don’t help. He has never fully disclosed the truth. All I know is the disgusting bits of truth I discovered on my own. There is so much more than I can type on a public forum. The advice is generally the same, it’s in the past so I should get over it. It’s not that easy. Maybe what he did was in the past, but he brought it into our marriage, and into our marriage bed. He deliberately misrepresented himself & I married someone who doesn’t exist. I absolutely would not have married him knowing what I know now. If we didn’t have three children & too many financial responsibilities I’d much rather be gone.
I don’t know who you have been getting help from, but betrayal trauma professionals understand you can’t just get over it’, or you can’t just trust harder,. There are many resources to help you understand you don’t have to survive your marriage,. BloomForWomen is one such site. Reclaim for sexual health is for him. Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud is a great place to start learning about what you will and won’t allow in your life. Coming soon a Catholic site for betrayed spouses called “Navigate Betrayal “
That’s so hard. If they will never disclose the truth, then how can you trust? I feel for you. 🙁
Chronic pain from fibromyalgia and a bad back. Chronic fatigue syndrome so I’m very tired all the time. I hate it but it keeps us from having sex a lot of the time and hubby doesn’t want to play around if its not leading to sex.
Oh, Brenda, that’s so tough! Are there other things that you can enjoy even if intercourse is off the table? Sometimes you just need that closeness, too.
Another thought on this topic: I find it interesting that your 10 Reasons Women Don’t Want to Have Sex immediately followed your post on My Wife Says We Never Make Love. The common thread running through these is that apart from some purely physical things (Come on, men, take a shower and brush your teeth!), it’s the relational problems that complicate the particular sexual problems. It goes both ways, and husbands and wives need to actually communicate verbally about what’s going on. And that means each one has to be honest in self-appraisal. Both need to ask for and extend grace. And this needs to be based on a growing relationship with Jesus Christ.
Very true, Bob. I think we’ve created this situation where we see sex in primarily physical terms, and we forget how much everything else impacts it.
Tomorrow I’m talking about how God wants us to do what we can to make the relationship better, rather than focusing on our mate’s shortcomings. But that’s true in the bedroom, too.
First, I want to thank you for your ministry! I’m from a Bill Gothard/Doug Phillips family where I Kissed Dating Goodbye was “too liberal” for us to read, where we never had anything remotely close to “the talk” (my older sister had to tell me about periods), and of course sex was never, ever mentioned. I figured out what it was eventually, but my older sister didn’t. My mom told her about sex *3 weeks* before her wedding, and she was so horrified that my mom said she could postpone the wedding if she wanted! (she didn’t, but she was almost terrified leaving for her honeymoon, and it took them almost 2 weeks to finally have intercourse!) I’m thankful that you and other bloggers like you answer all the rubber-meets-the-road sex questions we have; the single paragraph of “sex is good and do not deny each other” in most Christian marriage books doesn’t go far. 😉
And secondly, before I mention anything below, I want to preface it by saying that my husband is the sweetest, most gentle guy who takes good care of my heart. He makes sure I’m scoring during sex, and I now have multiple orgasms and bed-drenching “shejaculations” almost every time (for our first couple years of marriage, I’d only orgasm if he touched me, which he made sure he did each time). I read about women with proud, stonewalling, angry, abusive husbands, and I ache for them!
My husband, tho, is only 5’8″ (so, not that tall) and weighs about 330 lbs. His hygiene is almost non-existent (rarely showers or brushes his teeth, and his feet are covered in yeast). For most of our 5-year marriage, I’ve done mostly okay with it (he’s such an amazing guy in other areas!). But about a year ago, he lost 50 lbs. over 8 months, something I didn’t ask him to do (I’m a peace keeper, and don’t want to make him feel bad!). I was so proud of him, and I was starting to become more visually turned on by him (I could finally hug him and clasp my fingers behind his back!). But in the last few months, he’s quickly gained it all back, plus some. And it’s made it that much more obvious to me, and a little more repulsive. He also is rather (well, not rather ;-)) lazy and games for about 6 hours a day. And I’m a driven, type-A gal, so all this can be turn offs at times. For you men reading (and think this might be an issue for you), I don’t expect him to lose 130 lbs. and look like a super model. If he just started with better hygiene daily and added in maybe a daily walk and even maybe 15 minutes of weight lifting (muscles burn calories like crazy–even during rest, and I’m already into his broad shoulders and chest, so weight lifting would add some more juicy muscles to squeeze… lol!).
Another reason I hesitate with having sex (though I’ve never said no) is I’m afraid my body won’t follow, even though I want it to… which is laughable considering how amazing sex usually is for me! Starting out, I can be nervous, cold with goose bumps, and overthink how it’s going to go. If I put on lingerie (which is rare, because of this reason), I get even more nervous thinking that will give the appearance that I’m wanting Super Amazing Sex, and what if my body doesn’t respond then? (and it of course makes getting into it take way longer) Ha, my hubby thinks this is cute silly and he’s right! ;-P
Elle, you’re the second person who has talked about an extremely overweight husband in the comments in the last 24 hours (the other was on a different post). This is a very real problem, and I hope to address it soon. It is very difficult to raise with a spouse, because we don’t want them to think that we’re rejecting them. But at the same time, letting yourself get to a point where you’re morbidly obese is not showing love to your spouse, or care for your family. It really is an important issue, and not just because of sexual attraction. Health, activity levels, all those other things come into play too.
So I get what you’re saying, totally. I think in the church we need to bring back talk about gluttony and sloth. These two things are seriously hindering marriages. We don’t like to talk about them, but they matter.
God has given us so much. We live in this amazing time when hunger isn’t something most of us deal with. We have excess resources that we can use to make the world a better place. But what do so many of us do? Eat ourselves sick and waste time in front of screens. It is a tragic waste.
I wish there were easy answers!
“It really is an important issue, and not just because of sexual attraction. Health, activity levels, all those other things come into play too.”
That’s very true. From what I’ve experienced the time my husband did lose a significant amount of weight and started becoming more active with me again, just addressing it from a health and activity level (& of course spiritual) point of view really does resolve a lot of the attractive issue. When I saw the motivation in him during his weight loss period, a side of him I hadn’t seen in YEARS, it was seriously one of the most arousing things I’ve ever experienced in our marriage!!! It was like he was finally taking control of an issue he’d created, and was fighting for us and me and himself and our marriage. It was the hottest thing ever! So hot we started 31 Days To Great Sex and got pregnant. 😂🙈👍🏼
It’s so hard to reconnect with a husband who gives you the options of watching anime with him or playing video games with him as the two ways to reconnect with him. Ugh! I hate anime (think it’s childish for a 30 year old to watch Japanese cartoons meant for tweens and teens, plus the women are drawn in such pornographic ways that Covenant Eyes doesn’t catch!) and I have no desire to play video games by myself or with anyone, husband included.
It’s hard to feel attracted to a lump-on-a-log kind of man who shows no interest in things that you like (namely because they’re too active and too taxing for his excessively large body), and only wants to connect with you on things that interest him. It’s extremely selfish (not to mention gluttonous and slothful) and a terrible way to treat your spouse. Biblically, my body is his (which he loves and is all over and can’t get enough of) and his body is mine (which makes me want to vomit a little at the thought of it, shrink back in repulsion of all that unmanly giggliness and down-pillow-like cushioniness, and so desperately makes me wish it were “mine” in the sense that I could lose weight for him cuz you bet your sweet buns I would!!! I’d do whatever it’s take to lose his 150lbs of fat in however long it took if it meant not only having a spouse to enjoy visually and physically, but also a husband who could live actively with me and experience life with me and the kids for as long as possible.)
Sorry, last thought on this topic for if/when you write your obese husband post (or a whole week series about obesity in marriage would be great too!):
As the wife of a morbidly obese man, I mourn when the Bible says things like Proverbs 5:18 “… rejoice in the wife of your youth” (or husband of your youth, in our cases). Or when the Song of Solomon talks about all the wonder physical attributes that the wife/husband enjoys in the other… how taken they are with the other’s physical attributes. It just makes me so sad to know that, by the time he loses the weight if that day ever even comes at all, he/we won’t be young and youthful and attractive like we are/were/could have been in the years wasted. Youth is such a fleeting thing, and such a precious time to spend with your spouse since you’ll always have the (hopefully passionate, romantic) memorised you made together during those fun, youthful, passionate, energetic years before children and stress and aging started taking their toll on you both. That’s not to say that sex and marriage as you age isn’t also wonderful cuz I know it is/can be. But there’s something special about when you’re young, so special that even the Bible points to it on multiple occasions. It just makes me feel sad and mournful and gypped that I won’t be experiencing that youthful passion since my husband is so fat and lazy in so many areas of his life, particularly sexually. I feel like I’ve wasted my youth on him and he doesn’t even care to do or change anything about it, which is an awful feeling, since time is the one commodity none of us can get back once given. 😓😕 His own self-centeredness and laziness have stolen such a precious thing from the one person he swore before God to love, honour, cherish and protect all the days of his life. It’s like those vows were and are just meaningless words.
Elle! Finally, another sister who’s in the morbidly-obese-husbands club 😉 Let’s me friends lol! Jk, It’s not a fun club to be in.
My husband is extremely lazy/gamer/anime fan too, and I’m the outdoorsy type A too. And mine doesn’t like to brush his teeth either. Seriously, did these boys’ parents not do their job of raising their sons or something?!?!
However, I’ve never orgasmed before and verbally tell my husband every little thing that’s on my mind (something I’m trying to tame, especially concerning his obesity), so that’s where we differ.
That’s great that your husband took the initiative to lose weight without you talking to him about it! Have you asked him what made him do that? 50lbs is a good chunk! My husband lost a lot of weight once too then gained it all back plus another 50 lbs too. I too got really visually attracted to him, only to have that carpet ripped out from under my feet in the span of a couple months. It was super disheartening for me cuz he has so much potential and I know my husband would be SUPER sexy / my ideal man physically if he was a normal weight. Have you talked to him about what made him stop his good habit changes, and then what caused him to lose all his hard work? I’d recommend the two of you go to a marriage counsellor together to discuss this issue with a professional third party. I’m trying to get my husband to go to one with me, but have been unsuccessful so far. He keeps saying he has big weight loss plans once the holidays are over. I have 0 faith that’ll actually happen based on his track record. We’ll see. 🤷🏼♀️
I’m dying, girls… hahaha! Yep, hubby wants me to game with him too. I grew up thinking that gamers were losers, and girl gamers were losers x10! 😛 Even if I had the spare time (3 needy babies don’t give me much), there’s about 50 other things I’d rather do. I feel guilty, though. Like it’d “be my fault” if he Mets some stupid girl gamer online… (my husband’s sister-in-law is a gamer, and just tried to meet up with a guy she met online. Her husband found out and foiled the attempt.)
And he lost the 50 lbs. (doing THM) as he tried to get life insurance, but no company would accept him. He was also starting his own business, so he was pumped with that. It didn’t take off, though.
I guess I’m in the same club. I’m late but I’m glad I found this blog.
My husband is also obese, mostly in the midsection. The weight has become a real turnoff. Once dinner is over, I watch him sit in the same spot on the couch for hours, often nodding off to sleep (sometimes drooling). By the time he comes to bed, I am very turned off and sex is the last thing on my mind. We both work so I understand that he is tired but would be happy (and have offered) to take even a short walk with him in the evenings to even begin to turn things around. It seems that every year the problem is worse.
Besides the now difficult mechanics of the sex, I feel like his lowest priority. I believe every spouse has promised to be the source of your partners sexual pleasure. I feel let down, like instead of a meal, I’m being served scraps and expected to be happy with it.
Not sure if this is helpful, but I had good luck getting the family/husband on a keto diet because it’s less intense on portion control, just more about eating the right foods (ie: no carbs, sugar, or processed stuff). Even eating as much as he wanted husband lost 8 lbs in one month, had zero migraines and a lot of improvement with chronic heartburn.
Disclaimer: my husband is not obese or lazy, just has the ~30 extra pounds we all fight seasonally. He plays video games but It’s a healthy hobby for him (an hour or two a few times a week).
Anyway, I just found keto to be an easier sell because you can have cheese and bacon and not have to be hungry. It definitely sounds hard to have a husband or wife who is extremely unhealthy by choice. Sorry! 😓
Yes, I’ve heard a lot about that, too.
My husband and my mother have both done an intermittent fasting (eat every other day) and it’s worked amazing for them, precisely because you don’t have to portion control or watch what you eat. I think sometimes finding the “right” diet for your body, something that you can stick to, is so important.
Sheila,
Thank you so much for this. Reading through the reasons almost made me cry. You just described my sex life for the past 35 years.
It started with #5, sex didn’t feel very good. Major disappointment. I was truly under the impression awesome sex just happened. I had no idea sex was a learned process. It was never talked about back then. I figured (or hoped) it would eventually get better. Never once did I think my lack of enjoyment was attributed to my husbands lack of skill, it just didn’t feel good.
Then add kids and a job and I-ended up with years of #2, #3, and #4. Which left me with no energy to work on #5.
#8 is interesting. I felt no need for sex. It didn’t feel good (#5), AND because I was exhausted and mentally distracted (#2,3,&4) I didn’t have time for the second half of #8…time to replenish my vital energies…which is the last thing sex accomplishes…sex has always been energy depleting for me.
Because sex is a primary need for hubby, I kept having exhausting, unrewarding sex and ended up with #6. Feeling used and misunderstood which led to #1. Feeling disconnected.
After years of that, I ended up with #7 menopause. Zero testosterone and female hormones. HRT hasn’t manufactured desire in me yet.
I keep having sex because I’m married.
What you are doing is so important! I’m thrilled that women’s sexuality, needs, and desires are finally being addressed. I wonder how many women, like myself, have had years of sex for their husband’s only because that didn’t know any better? I hope and pray there are young women and men reading posts like this in the infancy of their marriage so they can iron out these issues while they are still young.
Oh, Anonymous, that really does make me sad. Thank you for commenting, and I’m glad you’re here, and I hope that you can experience some breakthroughs, too. And I certainly hope that I can help younger women so they don’t get into this vicious cycle, too.
Well I made it to 31 years of marriage.
Without going back and forth to the numbers, I will say this…
When a woman’s emotional needs are not met, or discounted, it may devastate her.
Not making her a priority is a huge factor in the connection process.
Complacency and taking her for granted causes hurtful feelings.
The ego of a man can and may get in the way as well.
Not allowing sexual adventure, or enhancements can cause shame and self doubt.
I had a man who didn’t care if I had an orgasm. So eventually sex became old real fast.
I never felt I could say how I felt.
Oral was irritating, his nails were not cut down, and he really didn’t know what to do with his hands.
I was young inexperienced and had no clue how to ask .
I needed a man who took charge in the bedroom and he needed a woman to do the same.
We were mismatched.
After our divorce, I made it my mission to learn all that I could about sex, men, women, myself and relationships.
I am now 58 and know my body, speak my mind, and am direct about what I need . I also make sure to ask my partner’s needs, and desires as well.
I went more than 31 years without an orgasm with my past husband.
When I told him, he never chose to take up the challenge, he dismissed it and figured it was my problem.
I thought I was broken, and he allowed me to feel this way.
Now I know I’m not. I can not only have an orgasm but multiple.
I can have a g spot orgasm, clitoral, and more!
If it were not for the Internet I would still be in the dark.
Connectivity makes a huge difference, for orgasms are all in the head.
I’m sorry your husband was so dismissive of your very real and legitimate needs. That’s awful. I really think that we don’t teach enough that women simply need more to orgasm than men. It seems like men are held up as the standard, and women are expected to “catch up”, and if they don’t, there really is something wrong with them.
Nope. God made our sexual response so that we would need to connect; so that men would need to slow down; so that he would need to think of her. Unfortunately, too many men don’t get it. That’s just tragic.
Lissa, I too can relate to almost everything you said. I was married for 30 yrs to a man who was so insecure that his only way of feeling better was to verbally abuse me by telling me I was fat during sex (this was when I was only 125lbs), threatening to leave if I gained 50 lbs, whining that he couldn’t please his wife and laughing at me when I tried to seduce him. Sufficed to say our sex life was nonexistent. To say we had sex 75 times during those thirty years of marriage I would dare to call it an exageration!!! I too was broken. I finally had the courage to leave and have since been married to a wonderful man. We still have issues in the bedroom and my self image has been totally destroyed (by my ex-husband and family of origin)but am very hopeful after getting Sheila’s books. However I think there is an issue that may not be covered (at least I haven’t found a clear cut answer yet) and maybe Sheila has an answer. What to do when your husband never initiates sex. It isn’t a problem of libido but more a problem of not knowing how to do it. It makes me feel like there is something so drastically wrong with me. Why does no man want to touch me? I know this is a real problem because I have talked with other women in the same situation. A man’s ego can be so fragile that they can’t take a woman telling him what to do and how to do it (even if it is in a loving way). They feel like it’s taking orders from you. I also believe men can suffer from previous sexual experiences such as being told ” stop touching me”, being pushed away or myriad of other reasons. I would really appreciate feedback on this topic.
Hi Dori! I actually do have a few articles on husbands initiating–here’s what to do if your husband never initiates sex, and here are 10 ways for a husband to initiate. I hope those help!
I can relate to most of these. I have no desire for sex and sometimes even feel that my husband and I are more like roommates. I love him but not sure if I’m still “in love”. I feel so lost.
I hope you can figure this out with your husband. From a man on the other side, nothing is more painful than a wife who doesn’t desire him. On the flipside, there is nothing more invigorating, motivating, and amazing than a wife who is proud of, and adores her husband.
Scott I hear you – same situation only our children are grown. It won’t get better or it didn’t for me, I love my wife but lack of intimacy if very difficult.
What I miss is the feeling of being held and loved. In the subtle things she says, I feel she doesn’t find me attractive, that hurts the most. No need for her to be intimate is telling. Sorry I have no better help to offer,
This one might be fairly obvious, but: She’s afraid of getting pregnant. Make birth control choices a team sport and it won’t totally alleviate the issue, but at least she’ll know you’re looking out for her.
(I hope this doesn’t sound like I’m against people having kids. I’m not. But I’ve dealt with both high risk pregnancies and miscarriage and I’m very aware what a terrifying mood killer the thought of pregnancy can be.)
That’s a good thought! That’s a great #11. Never thought of that one.
At 14 years of marriage, at a weekend to remember conference, I found out why she never wants me to touch her genitalia or have any foreplay: she is punishing herself for having sex with a previous boyfriend! She won’t permit herself to be sexually stimulated.
As a believer she knows she is forgiven, completely. She knows I forgave her but she doesn’t want herself to enjoy sex as if it’s penance.
For years I thought it was abuse. Nope, she wants to penalize herself which has made our love life suck. Like someone else said, if I’d have known then what I know now, I’d have kept looking for someone else. We promised each other while dating “no secrets”. She lied! She told me of her prior sexual relationship but she never said it would affect our intimacy because she would choose to punish herself for the rest of her life.
Her penalizing hasn’t just affected her, it majorly affects our marriage. I bought her “the good girls guide to great sex” and offered to read it together. After a few years I threw it into a fire along other self help marriage books. The pain of seeing those resources rejected got too hard to bear. If I didn’t take my vows seriously, I’d have been gone 15 years ago.
It’s been 18 years now and no change. The adage is still true, better to be single wishing you were married than to be married wishing you were single!
Oh, that’s terrible–that she would punish herself and punish you.
Have you ever asked her this question: “Do you think Jesus should climb back on that cross? Why do you spit on Jesus everyday?” Like really–make it very graphic. Because that is what she’s doing. She’s saying that what Jesus did for her is not enough. That’s a terrible thing to believe. I am so, so sorry.
One more reason a wife doesn’t want to have sex is if she’s depressed.
My wife was diagnosed with clinical depression almost 10 years ago.
Her psychiatrist asked to talk to me. The psychiatrist told me that she had a big, deep depression and, most likely, she will not recover from this state.
He added something that I found unexpected: having sex with my wife could help her recover from this state, or it could make the situation worse, or then do nothing. The doctor said it would depend a lot on me, and that there were no rules or advice for this case of depression.
I took it very seriously. And I decided that she and I would become actively involved in sex.
From that day on, I finish my more or less simple and periodic sex.
Since she didn’t take any initiative, I started to told her clearly and with all the words what she had to do.
It took a great effort for us to lose all shame and to be able to say clearly what she was supposed to do and to use words we had never used before.
But this helped us a lot. A few years later she recovered. Probably it wasn’t the sex, but her need to follow our children and her mother’s terminal illness.
When she stopped taking all her medications and returned to normal life I noticed that the depression caused her to behave very differently. Almost another woman. Thank you Sheila for all the advice on your blog, it’s very important and valuable.
I find it very hard to initiate sex or respond to his urges because he has been unfaithful recently, and I found out that he has multiple times throughout our marriage. The levels he went to to be deceitful is alarming and it’s all I see and feel. When I manage to get aroused it fades quickly because I immediately feel disgusted and discouraged. My husband claims to be a believer, but he does not lead our family spiritually. I don’t see anything changing unless and until he allows God to have his heart. I believe God can change anyone’s heart- and I’m going to need his strength to see past the infidelity. It really hurts.
Oh, Emmy, I’m so sorry. And to me, the issue of figuring out how to deal with the adultery is far more important than dealing with your sex life. Until he admits that he has done wrong, and shows that he is willing to change, I highly recommend drawing back and waiting. Don’t rush in to reestablish a relationship until he has done the hard work of realizing what he has done is wrong. A great book for this is Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson. It helps you draw boundaries and set consequences for their actions, and that’s so important in your case!
Thank you, Sheila. I’ll definitely get the book.
It has been going on for years. When it comes to sex, it isn’t just about the sex, it’s about intimacy. I want us to have a connection, she just wants a “quickie”. We only have sex once every 2 to 3 weeks and it is almost alway a “quickie”. About every 3 or 4 months we have what I consider great sex. I must be strange, being a man and want more than just the physical act of sex, I want that intimate connection, but she only wants a quickie. It has gotten to the point that I don’t even try anymore, and I have gotten to resent her after 32 years of marriage. I do everything I can to make her want to want me. I cook, clean, buy her flowers for no reason, complement her, and the only time she will do anything besides a “quickie” is when she thinks I’m mad, because I’m tired of the quickies. I am soooo tired of the game.
I don’t think that’s strange at all, Jeff. I think that’s great that you want the connection, and I think that’s how we were created to be. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Remember that her whole life she’s been told that all you need is release, so she may not understand. Encourage her to read this post, perhaps, on how to see men’s sexual needs in a healthy way.
My husband inappropriately says things like he wants to get a life sized sex toy at the wrong times. His idea of having sex is him telling me to get down there and suck him. He does not want to want to touch me to give me pleasure. And then he wonders why I am not interested in having sex. I work a lot of hours at work then come home to take care of our home and family. When I get a moment that I am not doing anything, he tells me to rub his feet,legs and back because he is hurting. Even though I have been on my feet for 10 hours at work and then another 5 hours at home doing work around the house. He is disabled and does not work. Although he does bring our son to school and pick him up from school. But I feel like I don’t do enough for him, every time I have a day off he always gives me a list of things to do, I never get a chance to have a day to relax.
Oh, Charlotte, that sounds so awful and difficult! I’m sorry. I think the posts I’m writing now may help you–have you read about why we need a new definition of sex (and why sex needs to be mutual)? It sounds like you need to sit down and have a talk with your husband and tell him that you can’t bear the burden for everything, and that your marriage needs to be about teamwork, even if he’s disabled. There are still things that he can do. That’s valid, and it’s important, and there’s really no way around it except to have that conversation!
You’re not alone. This is basically my sex life, too.
Hang in there.
Antidepressants
Depression
Both make women uninterested.
Men who’ve been without for an extended duration get surly.
Surly men are not attractive.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Romance your husband when he gets home, THEN have dinner.
See if the yelling at the kids still happens. Bet it doesn’t.
Leaving sex for the end of the day says something about priorities, doesn’t it?
Not having it at all does too.
Waiting for everything else to fall into place neatly is a recipe for less and less frequent sex and disillusionment. How often is life unhurried and content?
Am I living my life so poorly that such conditions are rare?
Unfortunately, most of the reasons above means men must simply endure the “death by a thousand cuts” of being constantly rejected. “I love you, but I don’t want you touching me sexually” is a common, but brutal reality of many marriages.
The reasons boil down to two categories. 1) women just don’t do sex for connection and intimacy very well; and 2) men can be dirtbags who don’t deserve sex. Not very comforting for men. Your suggested fixes for some of the reasons are no guarantees that she’ll be sexually interested. It might mean that she decides to be sexually available sometimes, but that’s not the same thing – nor is it really what men want from wife in a Christian marriage.
Sexual relations in marriage is a hard subject because sometimes the only real answer is, endure in love. And there’s not much joy in that.
So here’s one for you, I love my husband and would never do anything to hurt him or our marriage but I know I am hurting him as we don’t have sex often. Last year we had many family problems……long story short, sex being only a few times a month he went and put himself out there on a dating site, talked dirty to strangers by e-mail, even to the point of making appointments to meet them. Women wanting to send him naked photos, him telling them no as he’d rather be safe than sorry. Like my heart sank and I hurt like hell…….I let him know I saw this by accident. I wasn’t snooping. His phone went off ( he was in bed) and I saw this shit on his phone. When I confronted him about it…..he had the nerve to say that I made him do this! Told me he was sorry and that he only wants me but man I’m having a nasty time trying to get over this! I’m in a really hard place but I do love this man. Don’t really know how to correct it.
I’m so sorry, Brenda. That’s horrible that your husband did that.
But I want to urge you: treat the frequency of sex and his infidelity as two separate issues. The reality is that he is responsible for his own actions in that–and him blaming you is simply a defense mechanism that’s allowing him to not take responsibility.
Really, you can’t get over it until he takes full responsibility for what he did, makes amends, and puts safeguards in place so that it doesn’t happen again. But have an honest conversation with him where you express that you do recognize that you both need to talk about frequency of sex sometime in the future, but that is not the issue at hand right now. The issue at hand is that he texted other women. Until that is dealt with, sex could become emotional blackmail in your marriage and that isn’t healthy for either of you.
Praying for you as you navigate this.
As a spouse with an extremely low sex drive(been that way my whole life), I welcome the one or two times a month that my “womanly cycle” triggers the urge to want sex. It feels natural and meant to be, and I enjoy being touched in a manner that is of the erotic nature. However, being touched that way at other times of the month annoys me. It is during these times I would love for my spouse to be more respectful of my needs and touch me in a more “cuddly” way during sex and not with the intent of trying to “make something happen”. That’s when I get resentful and get turned off from sex altogether. I just want to be respected for what my needs are in bed, and “need” does not equal orgasm and erotic touch. Just stroke my hair, kiss the top of my head and/or wrap your arms around me while loving me and I will be in heaven!
That’s extremely and brutally selfish. His needs matter, too. He needs intimacy with you. Your needs matter and should be respected, but so should his needs. Otherwise that is not marriage at all.
Honey I just feel like cleaning the house doing t by e laundry, washing the dishes,,,, I wonder how woman would feel if the guy just said that to her…. woman you want me to drop a truth bomb on you….. If a man cleans the kitchen it could take and hour, Do some laundry can take 3 hours,,, But you can’t put in 15 minutes to 30 minutes a night… Women I think are reading the wrong articles, I often hear a happy wife is a happy life, Maybe women need to reset their priorities…. woman want men to home after long work do chores around the house help raise the kids which they should, but then just go to bed and not feel desired by the woman they’ve dedicated their lives to and not given attention I’m sorry ladies you can’t have a both ways
Hi Mike, I hear what you’re saying, but I think this may be part of the problem. You’re equating sex with doing the dishes or laundry. That, to a woman, is very off-putting, and one of the reasons that women don’t want sex. Sex should be a mutual thing where both get pleasure and both are enthusiastic. You don’t have to be enthusiastic about doing laundry; it just needs to get done. For a woman, sex is very vulnerable. You’re literally letting someone inside you. And you have to get in the right frame of mind for that, which can be difficult.
Now, I spend most of my time on this blog trying to help women do just that, because I think sex is too great a gift to waste and sex binds us together and we should all be making love more! But one mistake I see is many husbands telling their wives, “it only takes a bit of time; what’s the big deal?” Sex IS a big deal. And we need to treat it that way.
Withholding sex when you’re both physically capable of it is emotional abuse… You have 2 people that took a vow to spend their lives together foresaking all others…
Think about the upheaval in the house if a man were to just sit down and do absolutely nothing…..sex is not just sex to a man it’s a connection with the woman he dedicated his life to….. Perhaps a woman needs to rethink,, this is the man I love,, and I’m going to make him feel good… Not just because it makes them physically feel good but because it makes them emotionally connected to me… Maybe she needs to rethink the vows she talk to love honor and cherish and if she Is withholding affection in that respect is that love honoring and cherishing the commitment you made in the commitment he made to you to forsake all other women as long as you both shall live…….
Hi Mike,
I’d like to chime in on your comment, as I am a woman with a lifelong low libido, yet I don’t fault you for the needs you expressed. Would your wife be more willing to have sex if you acknowledged her lack of desire as simply that, and not anything about not loving you? Perhaps suggesting that you promise not to touch her in ways to suggest you’re trying to change her mind and”arouse” her, but simply show her “cuddly” affection while doing ….say…… good old fashioned missionary position sex. I know that I get extremely unwilling when my spouse wants to get me “into it”, but often that feeling just doesn’t exist and has nothing to do with him. He could buy me flowers, make dinner, tell me how beautiful I am and take the time to ask me how my day was – all these things I cherish, and they make me smile, but they don’t make me think of sex. My body internally lets me know when I actually “desire” sex, and then, of course, I let him know.
Yes, Mike. But a man also has a responsibility to make sex mutual, into something that is for her, too, and where she feels pleasure. That’s what I haven’t seen you talk about. I agree that sex is super important. I’ve written books about it, courses about it, so many things. I’m constantly writing about how women can boost their libido.
But at the same time, men need to also realize what women need from sex. Too often we think “sex = man’s penis into women’s vagina until man has a climax.” Her pleasure is thus totally missing from our definition of sex. If it happens, it’s seen as a bonus, not as something which should be expected. So sex is seen as something she owes him, rather than something they experience together.
If men could start talking about sex as an intimate, mutual experience, women would have a much easier time getting excited about it. There is nothing exciting about a man saying, “you need to give me pleasure whether you want to or not because you vowed it.” There is something lovely about saying, “God made sex as an amazing thing for both of us to experience together. I’m afraid we’re missing out on that. Let’s talk about how we can feel more intimate, and how you can enjoy it, too, and how we can make sure we don’t miss out on something great God has for us.”
Do you see the difference? Please try to understand how this difference actually matters to women.
Mike, the difference between doing laundry and dishes and having sex is that you’d be doing laundry and dishes even if you weren’t married. You don’t get applauded for doing basic human routine.
If a woman was single, she’d still be doing laundry, making dinner, doing dishes. But she wouldn’t be having sex. If a man was single, he’d have to do laundry, make dinner, do dishes. But he wouldn’t have sex.
Sex is SEPARATE from these things. Part of wooing your wife may of course include taking on extra tasks around the house and really working to make your home a clean, relaxed haven. But that’s not part of earning sex–that’s part of the dance of intimacy. You don’t get to “cash in” as if you’ve “earned” sex through doing basic chores.
Sexuality encompasses more than the act of sex. And if a woman is withholding sex in order to manipulate or get what she wants, that is absolutely inappropriate and needs to be confronted. But if a man is trying to “purchase” sex from his wife by doing the dishes? Well that’s not going to get her “in the mood” at all–it often actually can make women feel like her husband is just a man-child who wants to be rewarded for doing the bare minimum.
Saying “I did laundry so I should get sex” is pretty much treating your wife like a prostitute. And it’s the equivalent of wanting a participation trophy just for showing up. If you want great sex, work for it. Work so that your whole relationship–not just the times you’re actively having sex–reflect your love, commitment, and service to each other. Wives are not sex vending machines–they’re humans. And I think if more men stopped wanting to be praised and rewarded for doing the absolute bare minimum that an adult can be expected to do, many women may find their husbands a bit more attractive and see the more as strong men that they WANT to sleep with. Because frankly, it’s hard to get motivated to sleep with a guy who thinks he deserves sex after just doing a load of laundry. We want to sleep with equals, not man-children we have to reward to make them do their chores.
Well put.
So…. you are correct I can get a maid to do those things…. I can also get another woman to have sex with…. however I live my wife. I want a connection with her… I do the things that are important … that she feels are important. That she says makes her feel loved…. doing the housework is one of those things…. I think woman have this misconception of what a man thinks sex is,,, sex to a man is validation of his being worthy of your love… that his hard work and effort is appreciated by you… how hard is it….. to spend 20 minutes on a man you say is the love of your life….my guess…and this is NIT a judgement but rather an observation… 90% of people phub their spouses daily… phone snubbing… yes you’ll spend 2 hours with a friend on Facebook 500 miles away or an hour playing solitaire on your phone, but not 20 minutes with the person who said I’ll love you forever and dedicated minu life to
I know you’re hurting, Mike. I am really sorry about, it sounds like you truly are in a difficult place. But once again, you’re saying you could hire a WOMAN to do the housework that you should be able to do yourself. It’s not “My wife is going to do it or I’ll get a maid,” it’s about learning to be an equal partner with your wife instead of just trying to coerce her into having sex with you.
The whole idea of “I do housework because it makes her feel loved” isn’t that helpful for a lot of women. I’m an acts of service person–when my husband cleans, it makes me feel really loved. But I don’t feel loved by him doing the bare minimum he SHOULD be doing–like putting his own clothes in the hamper, doing a load of laundry once in a while, or cleaning the bathroom once a week. Those are basic adult tasks that everyone SHOULD be doing–again, you don’t get bonus points for just doing what’s expected of functioning human adults.
What many women mean by the whole “When you clean, I feel loved,” is that when our husbands work to actively make our lives easier, so when my husband not only does the dishes but cleans the entire kitchen, vacuums, and lights candles so the house is spotless and I wasn’t expecting it, he’s gone above and beyond what is expected. What is normal. What even I would have done! (And I’m the neat one of the two of us). But if he only ever did that because he wanted sex it would get annoying. It would get cheap. Because it’s not actually about me–it’s about getting what he wants from me.
I’m really sorry if you’re in a marriage where you feel unloved. I really, really, truly am. It’s horrible how many women truly do snub their husbands and make them feel an inch tall. But I also think that a lot of women do this because they’re tired of feeling used, or feeling like all they are is a puzzle to be solved with the prize of sex at the end.
There needs to be change on both sides in most marriages. And you can talk about everything she does wrong, or you can also start to look at yourself and say, “Yes, there are things she needs to change. But maybe this mentality that I should never HAVE to do housework and so whenever I DO choose to do so I should be rewarded with sex is actually quite childish and a turn-off to my wife, not something that makes her feel loved. Maybe it’s time to start living like a grown up when it comes to housework, regardless of it leads to her having more sex with me or not.”
Mike,
You stated, “I want to connect wit her”…… In your mind, go back to when you were “courting” your, then, girlfriend, when sex was not in the picture yet. I bet you were very successful in connecting with her back then(obviously, as she said “yes” to marrying you). Now, what if you were to use that successful formula you used back then to connect with her and court her all over again in this current time. What was your approach back then, when you didn’t know if you were going to win your gal’s heart, but you knew that she was every bit worth your effort? I highly doubt that you pushed her to be receptive quicker than she felt comfortable with. No, you gave her the space and time to allow her love for you to grow.. Would you be able to find that approach and attitude in your heart now?
Funny…… most of the arguments are all about her…… Maybe she should have thought about this before she got married and asked the man to dedicate the rest of his life to her…… Truth is the man feels much of the same things he is stressed he is exhausted he has pressures he doesn’t feel good about this body as well get that doesn’t hinder him some still desiring his wife… Most of this article is a cop out
100 percent agree. Would LOVE to see the reaction if a man used any of these excuses. And that’s what they are, excuses. If you don’t understand the importance of sex in a relationship, you shouldn’t be in one.
I’ve felt so many emotions reading through this list as well as reading through the comments. In some ways, it feels good to know that in some situations I am not alone however in others, it seems more isolating as no two situations are exactly alike. I would add #11 to this list and part of it may fit in a previous number. However, lately there has been tension in my marriage about our sexually relationship for many reasons. However, my #11 would be just never being physically attracted to my husband from the beginning. We married young and despite him being nice and sweet, I just had zero physical attraction. He wasn’t “ugly’ per se but definitely not someone who appealed to me. However, on my youth and without much guidance I ignored it ad being “shallow” and focused on the”bigger” picture. However, after years I’ve realized that that is the reason sex with him has never created intimacy between us. So there is lack of physical attraction, mixed with guilt because he’s very attracted to me and a bit of regret because I don’t feel like I can make myself emotionally close to him when I deeply feel like I was young and dumb in marrying him.
I am male. I have been sick with a rare disease where my body is dehydrated all the time. I have no energy and all I want to do is sleep. I don’t work anymore. I am a sad excuse for a human and I should die. My wife resents me. I was a high flying attorney and it all went to hell. Above all else I don’t have money and that’s all we fight about is money. I hate money. Sex is of course something that causes major issues. I sometimes do want it. But she never does. And this article is her to a T. Thanks for it. It opened up my eyes to her world. Either way I have grown to hate sex too. It only brings me sadness. She always moans about my weight and it was never an issue before we got married and suddenly it is. I actually just want to die now. I don’t want to live in this confusion of a body. Where I want sex but I am too sick to do it. And the fights. I just want it all to stop. I want to die.
Hi Bob,
It sounds like you are feeling a lot of distress right now. If you are thinking suicidal thoughts I would strongly suggest you reach out for help. Call your local crisis Centre, or in Canada the Canada Suicide Prevention Service (1-833-456-4566), that all offer 24/7 support. Contacting your physician might be a good place to start because some of your symptoms may be able to be managed better. Reach out to a spiritual advisor or therapist. There is hope no matter how dark it feels and you have value!
Impossible – that’s the conclusion that I have reached after reading countless books, articles, speaking with counselors, and most importantly, my wife, about trying to have an active and exciting sex life after having been married for any real period of time.
A little about us… We have been married for 13 years, have three children (9, 7, 5). I am the breadwinner in our home, and she doesn’t work outside the home. I will note, however, that I do more than most guys around the house and for the kids, and I have never stood in the way of her getting outside help (cleaners, sitters, etc.). I mention this to quiet the peanut gallery comments like “you should pitch in more”, or “try to take things off of her plate” to get her to appreciate you or put her in the mood. I will say that she is an exceptional mother, and has a very pure and genuine heart, among other things, and I routinely give her compliments and tell her how attractive she is. I genuinely want to be with no one else, but I have to admit that I have lately found my mind wandering.
I say “impossible” because I think that people are missing an important point about men and women, at least as I see it. While men understand and can accept that things might change some over time, many of us men still long for the kind of occasional sexual excitement that we shared in the earlier phases of our relationship. By this I mean the random sex in the car, sex on the kitchen table, spontaneous sex while on a hike, etc.
Fast forward to the current state, and my wife prioritizes just about everything over me and my needs (home decorating, volunteering, time with her girlfriends, anything for the kids, the right flowers for the planters, etc.). I am absolutely sure that if you took a guy’s poll on this, you would get a very strong sense of agreement. It almost sometimes feels like we were duped into the relationship, and now the woman has what she really desired (security, children, fulfillment of her other wants). It feels like we’re now supposed to feel lucky to get occasional “last gasp sex” before going to sleep, or what feels a lot like pity sex.
So, it seems like a) divorce, b) an external sexual affair, or c) sexual disappointment for the rest of my life are my options. Clearly, none of these sound attractive.
Thanks for reading and for offering any helpful thoughts or suggestions.
I feel Scotts pain, I treated my wife of 29 years like a queen, love of my life, I always tried treating her as such, my Mother in-law told me several times that I spoiled her and put her on a pedestal, but it wasn’t like I worshiped her, I just loved her. I held the door, open the car door, pulled her chair out etc…
I took the same amount of attention of talking her “you doing ok?”, “how was your day?”, “are you happy?”, “things good, bad? anything I’m doing wrong?” etc…. I also took the same pride and care in the bedroom when it came to intimacy as I considered her pleasure my job #1 in the bedroom. I’ve NEVER been into porn except the occasional checking out a friends playboy and such in high school, I just never got the lure. Never had a wondering eye. The wife and I had a good life, good communications, a great sex life, at least I thought so up until 2010, when she had an affair out of the blue with someone she met on an online game of all things, we had been married 19 years at the time, after getting caught she begged me to stay and it would end, she was downright mean during this time, hateful, hurtful and vengeful even though it was me who was wronged. we survived only because I prayed day and night for weeks for God to help me, shortly after we were in a sever car wreck, 6 yrs later we moved to FL to be near our kids so here we are in FL 3 years, it has been 3 years since I have made love to my wife, since she has touched me , hug me, I haven’t even seen her naked as she covers herself like I’m a stranger even though I tell her how beautiful I think she is and she just laughs, nothing I can do helps, she says she is happy, I am her world, but I feel like the handyman, grocery getter etc.. everything BUT her husband who she loves, and I certainly don’t feel desired, I can’t even touch her because of her injuries and the fibromyalgia, (and I understand that) but that doesn’t stop her from touching me, I’m not talking about sex, I’ve thought about leaving, we never been able to talk because unlike the books I’ve read on marriage, our roles are reversed, I’m the one who wants to talk, she is the one who shuts down. I don’t know what do because prayer isn’t cutting it anymore.
I am in Love with my wife but I have to work every day 12 to 14 hours and every day of the week because my wife has many expenses and time be able to support her I have to do this . When I asked her if she knows why I have no choice she agree with me . But when I talk having sex she refused almost every single time. What else can I do ?
This all are good points. For me, the main points has been because I didn’t like how it feels, it hurts, it doesn’t bring pleasure or if it does, rarely I’ll get to climax. It’s so much work for almost nothing. We as a couple are working to solve that. Pain is no more the issue, so we’re figuring on pleasure. My husband has been supportive, thanks God.
There is a ministry about helping marriages to get rid of porn. We’ve never had that trouble but the notes in their blog are very helpful:
https://www.xxxchurch.com/thehaps/8-reasons-my-wife-wont-have-sex-with-me.html
Sounds exhausting. Probably not worth the effort. Thanks for the insight though.
Well, I tried to talk to my husband about “my” intimacy issues & he is not understanding. He doesn’t understand that I hate my body due to gaining over 70lbs since we started dating. He says he likes the bigger boobs…ok, but the fat stomach has to show in order for bigger boobs to show & therefore, I don’t like sex-all I am thinking about is that my fat is showing….so, he just wants me to kiss him to show I love him, but his teeth are all rotten, he smokes like a freight train & maybe brushes his teeth once a month-not exactly making me want to kiss. Besides, he knows that I have issues with just sharing a drink, how can he not see that I might have an issue with him not brushing his teeth? Anyway, I avoided saying anything about him not brushing because I didn’t want to hurt him. I thought he was upset about me not wanting sex… I started searching for reasons why my libido is low and how we can work through it-he gets mad & says it’s not about sex! It’s about me not showing ANY emotion towards him-(he had just told me that he wants me to kiss him 3x a day a few days before). I then had to explain that I think it is gross that he doesn’t brush his teeth and he smokes. I used to be a smoker, but I really hate the smell now. Anyway, now he won’t talk to me! What can help us? I do love him & he does have plans to get dentures, we’ve been together 11 years & I want us to be OK.
TE, I’m so sorry. It sounds like you have a lot of layers of hurt there. I do think brushing his teeth is a big thing, and that’s totally okay for you to ask him.
So let’s deconstruct this a little bit here. He wants you to kiss him. You are more than willing to kiss him–but not if he doesn’t brush his teeth and smokes a ton.
You tell him this, and he is hurt and refuses to talk to you.
What you did was you drew some boundaries. You said, “this is what I am willing to do, and this is what I am not willing to do.” He responded in an immature way, but that is his right. So I would say something like, “I realize that you are upset, and that you feel hurt by what I said. However, I do not want to kiss someone who does not brush his teeth. I am sorry that you feel hurt, but an easy way around this is to start brushing your teeth. If you decide that you would rather be hurt, I will be sad, because I think it’s all so unfortunate. But that is your right, and I will give you space to be sad instead.”
And then leave it at that. That way you’re showing him respect, but you’re also being reasonable. We are supposed to, in marriage, call people to a higher plain. It isn’t a lot to ask for him to have proper hygiene!
Reason number 11 (fear for getting pregnant again) was already suggested.
Reason 12: he has a bad attitude about money. He is stingy. Whenever she asks for something she or the kids need he responds: “Don’t we already have an old one on the attic” or something similar. He may blame her for not working or “not bringing in anything” or he might blame her if she wants to have a job for “wanting to be independent on him”. And everything that she earns or belongs to her he considers as belonging to him too…but the other way around does not apply. In short: financial abuse. That does not make her feel loved, no matter how handsome he is or how sweet he talks when he would like to have sex. It makes her feel she is literally not worth of a cent.
Also handling money irresponsibly, spending too much, gambling…are all very bad things that make her rightfully angry. Unless they are not dealt with, she will feel used and not be in the mood for sex.
I saw I have a namesake here. 🙂
This article is so painful and heart breaking to read. If these reasons are even partly true there is almost no way to overcome most of them. Married guy here, married 17 years and have 2 teens. Haven’t had sex in well over a year at this point and I still talk about re-kindling some sex quite a bit, but I have already changed to a worse person and I don’t see going back. I still love the wife, but I guess sex is over with her.
A few comments; for reason #1 she doesn’t feel connected, well this is just a negative feedback loop that I cant see being broken. The more she feels disconnected and the less intimacy she offers the less connected the guys feels too and they just grow further and further apart.
Reasons 2 to 4 are valid but are really excuses. Is a couple supposed to wait until the kids are grown and the coupe is retired to have sex?
We really need an article with some solutions. Or maybe there just aren’t any solutions to some of these problems.
Good luck to us all.
Love love love your 10 reasons for women not wanting sex but indeed you forgot a major major one
This one affected me
Trust issues when unfaithfulness and 3rd parties join a marriage