A lot of guys would love to have more sex with their wives. But how do they initiate sex without sending her heading in the other direction?
Because when a guy comes on too strong when that’s the last thing she’s thinking, it can often backfire. A guy who reads this blog recently sent me in this question:
Reader Question
I’m a happily married husband without libido problems. I find that it doesn’t come natural for me to initiate sexual intimacy verbally and my dear wife does not want me to initiate intimacy by jumping into foreplay without asking first. I see you have blog content to help wives initiate sex but our situation is different. When in the mood, my wife initiates but she does want me to initiate, too. It’s possible I’m alone in this department but there might be other men who could use some words of encouragement.
Great question! She wants to feel pursued, but if he grabs her when she’s not thinking that way–well, that can often be a turn off. So let’s jump in!
Initiate Sex by Gauging Her Interest Level:
I asked on Facebook for some ideas from my readers on what would help avoid them getting turned off, and a number of people mentioned ways that a husband could test the waters and see what her interest level was.
1. Use a code word.
My husband and I have a code. He’ll make the eyebrows jump while saying hmm hmm. If I reciprocate I’m in the mood. If not it dies there. He doesn’t have to speak to initiate and I don’t have to speak to let him know.
Another woman said:
Work together to find a code word, or phrase, that your comfortable with. Keep it playful, and personal. For example “Remember [insert honeymoon destination]” Or would she prefer something like nuzzling her neck while hugging her? Or a gentle caress on the thigh? A playful text before you come home from work? (I’ve been thinking about you 
😉😉) The most important thing is you TALK about it, and you’re both aware and comfortable of what any secret signs and words mean.
2. Say something blatant–but let her have an out.
“Dang girl, you look hot. Mm I want that.” In the mood : “come get it.” Not in the mood: “Aw thanks, I really appreciate that.”
And then, if she uses the “out” phrase, let her be.
Initiate Sex by Helping Her Feel Close to You:
Good suggestions from my readers for gauging her mood, but I think many women actually want to be pursued and to be wooed to want to make love. As I said in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, men tend to make love to feel loved, whereas women need to feel loved in order to make love! So if you’re going to make love, she needs to feel closer to you first. Here are some ways to do that:
3. Text her throughout the day.
Let her know that you’re thinking about her and that she excites you.
Thinking about seeing all of you tonight!
Or,
Remembering the awesome time at [fill in the blank].
Or just,
I love you so much! So looking forward to coming home to you tonight.
Then, when you get home, hug and kiss her and whisper something in her ear that reiterates that (“Can’t believe I have you to come home to…”)
God made sex to be AWESOME!
It’s supposed to be great physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Feel like something’s missing?
4. Compliment her.
Don’t just tell her she’s beautiful–tell her what about her is so beautiful. “I love how curvy you are” or “Your eyes are breathtaking” are better than, “You are so beautiful.” Tell her what a great job she’s doing at something that she really values but that stresses her out (like motherhood, or drawing boundaries with difficult people, or even at work). Tell her you’re proud of her. It’s a big turn on.
5. Pray with her.
Prayer can actually be a big libido booster! When you open yourself up to God, and become vulnerable together before Him, it helps you feel more vulnerable towards each other, too. Emotional intimacy, that tearing down of walls, is one of the best triggers for getting your libido going. So pull closer to her with God, too!
6. Spend some time talking to her during the day–bonus if it’s while you’re in bed.
She needs to feel like you truly “know” her, and that you’re interested in what’s going on with her. And since many women can’t relax enough to have sex when there are tons of things running through our minds, when a guy helps us process all the concerns we have, it both helps us feel heard and cherished, but also helps us put those things on the back burner so that we can concentrate on what’s happening now! And if you do this while you’re cuddling in bed–it’s easier for other things to start!
Men tend to make love to feel loved, whereas women need to feel loved in order to make love! So if you’re going to make love, she needs to feel closer to you first. Here are some ways to do that:
7. Ask her, “What’s the big thing that’s on your mind right now?”
Along the lines with the above suggestion, if she finds it difficult to get in the mood because she’s always feeling overwhelmed and busy, try to help her tackle her biggest stressor. Ask her what’s the biggest thing that’s worrying her. Then follow up and ask, “do you want me to listen, or do you want me to try to solve it?” And then do what she says!
Initiate Sex by Getting Physical:
Okay, feeling emotionally close is great. But honestly–that’s often not enough. So think of those suggestions as being what you do FIRST, to lead up to this: it’s time to start touching.
Marriage Shouldn’t Be BORING!
8. Cuddle while you’re watching a movie
Touch her! If you’re spending time with her going for a walk, sitting on a couch, or doing just about anything–take her hand, cuddle her, anything!
9. Offer a massage.
As I shared recently, massage is such an important component of our intimate life. I often have so much on my mind, and I live so much in my head that I need that transition time to just FEEL. That’s what massage does. It helps me put all of the things I’m worried about on the back burner, and listen to what my body is feeling. And because it’s also relaxing, it’s a great way to initiate sex! So when you’re watching a movie, rub her shoulders or her feet. In bed, start rubbing her back. Or do a real back rub as the MELT Massage videos can teach! 
10. Start with a kiss
Finally, this is the big thing. If you want to make love, start with a kiss. Then make the kiss deeper. And see where it goes! But with women, sex mostly starts with kissing, not with grabbing some other part of her body. Let her enjoy the kiss. Chances are you kissed a ton before you were married, but then often we stop kissing once we’re married because women are afraid that if they kiss, they lead you on, and they’re not sure that they necessarily want to make love. That’s because it’s kissing itself that often starts to get us in the mood. Not in the first two seconds perhaps, but as the kiss goes on longer. So kiss her! Yes, sometimes she may still say no. But don’t let that stop you from trying. You know, normally for my top 10 posts, I tell you to pick 1-2 ideas and do them. But this, I think, is cumulative. Try to do ALL of them. Start with texting. Hold her hand. Talk to her. Pray with her. Give her a massage. Kiss her. And THAT’S how you initiate sex with your wife!
Want more help to spice things up a little bit?
My sponsor Ultimate Intimacy has an awesome resource for you. The Ultimate Intimacy App is an app for your phone with a great game that you can play that starts with romantic prompts, moves to mild foreplay prompts, then on to heavy foreplay, then hot and heavy. So it builds up the sexual tension, which is what women tend to want! If she wants to try new things with you, and you’re nervous about where to start, or feel awkward, this takes that awkwardness out. Check out the app here! Or read my review of it here.
What do you think? Would this work for you? Why or why not? Let’s talk in the comments! [adrotate group=”1″] [adrotate banner=”302″]
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Okay, about kissing… Kissing is almost never enjoyable for me and I’m not sure what to do about it. My husband seems to think that kissing always means smearing saliva all over my mouth and face and it’s just unpleasant. There have been a couple of times recently where he kissed me “nicely,” but usually it just feels gross from the beginning. And he seems to think I’m cheating him if I give him a “nice” kiss instead of one that ends up with me feeling like I need to wash my face. I’ve tried to let him know when I DO enjoy it, so he knows what’s fun for me, but I guess it feels like like he doesn’t really care what I enjoy in that regard.
I should probably mention: Yes, we’ve got a lot of other baggage and issues, which may be making this aspect more complicated than necessary. But I still think it would help to be able to communicate better about kissing.
You know, I think that’s a really valid point. And I don’t think it’s just because of your baggage.
I think that kissing is a skill and an art, and people aren’t automatically good at it. And some of us find saliva much more aggravating than others do. Let me think about that because it may be worth a post of its own!
Yes please do a post about how to communicate that kissing isn’t pleasant because of too much saliva and tongue and just overall aggressiveness. Ugh, I dread kissing my husband for more than a quick good morning or good night because of the above reasons.
I’m not a huge fan of face/mouth kissing either :\ Its rare that we get a makeout or much of a kiss in. But I do like having my fingers kissed and licked, and breasts/necks are good for kissing too 😀 You could try having him kiss other places. I reciprocate with head/neck/shoulder massaging during the kissing.
I love 2, 4, 7, 8, 9! I think it’s important to remember to be okay with asking for it or voicing that you want him to be doing that that day.
I do a lot of “Could you give me a massage?” And “You should cuddle me.” And “What do you think is sexy/cute/beautiful about me?” And “Today I want you to set a timer to send me a bitmoji every 1.5 hours.” And “Are you going to ask about my day?” And “We should do a quick kitchen cleanup before we start our fun; could you work on the dishes?” Lots of candid prompting with easy to follow requests lol honestly, I actually think it can be good that he doesn’t come up with stuff on his own and expend his efforts because I can choose what I might want that day and he feels like he’s doing a good job.
I really love that, Alicia! And I think many husbands would, too. Ladies, Alicia makes a great point. We can take responsibility for what we need as well–and it’s okay to ask for it!
I actually copied some of this to put on Facebook later! 🙂 I think it’s a great point.
I do this often with my husband too. Sometimes I’m okay with it and it’s no big deal, and sometimes it’s just a total mood killer. Like, if I have to ask all these questions repeatedly for you to understand that I’m in the mood and how I want to be touched/held/played with/spoken to/etc, it just gets tedious and boring after awhile. You’d think that years of marriage would give him some clue as to what I like, and that he’d remember it for the future. But in my experience, I have to reteach about 70-80% of it at almost every sexual encounter. Guess some men are just slower learners than others. (Or maybe he doesn’t see it as important, which idk why he wouldn’t since we’d discussed that many times and he knows I need these things to get in the mood).
Yeah, I get that. I only use like two of them a day for the most part. I’ll also ask him to make me tea sometimes. But to be fair, I don’t put much effort into wooing him either because I know he has to be lead so much. If I want to initiate I basically just grab it, straddle the lap and rub/kiss, or say “I want you to jump me” haha I also just wear special lingerie for myself to enjoy because that doesn’t warrant physical action either. It’s nice that he’s so low maintenance.
Alicia – I would love if my wife would ask these things of me. It would be fun. I chase my wife. That is what I do. I have been doing it for over 20 years. Personally I love it. So does she. However, I believe that if the communication was such that we were both chasing each other it would start out as ask me how my day was and 2 days later or maybe 20 mins later or if I am lucky 2mins later we are having sex. The key to the whole thing for me is to have little to no expectations or REALISTIC expectations and she must TRUST me. Example: Yesterday I was in my driveway talking to a customer on the phone. ( I pace and walk around when I talk) My wife was leaving the house to go somewhere and after she walked by me and quietly waved and said goodbye I put the guy on mute and yelled out to my wife YOU ARE HOT! After she replied with her comments we laughed! The obvious is I had zero expectations. Nothing has come of it since and she probably doesn’t even recall it because I have moved on to the next hunt. I have told my wife on numerous occasions and even recently as a few days ago. There are women who would love to be chased by their husbands. It would be fun to have it reversed. Anyway…these things Shiela wrote about today do work. I have tried them all. In my relationship with my wife the weird thing is sometimes it works and everything is just fine and other times it is like I am asking her to swing from the ceiling fan or something lol. Fishing is called fishing because if it were called catching it would mean it is because you always catch stuff. Sex in marriage is similar to fishing sometimes. You have to throw the bait and wait lol.
Also I became a BIG beleiver in Gary Thomas’ Love Language. My love langauge that I speak is affirmations. The love langauge that I like to receive is physical touch. My wife speaks in task but is dual language in reception. She likes physical touch and quity time. Number 3 on her list is task. I can get so much more milage out of a task or a date or nonsexual touch than any affirmation I give her. So when looking at the ideas here I think its important to consider your spouses love language and try to figure out which one they need a refill on. That will defintiely open the door to sex.
I believe many men don’t initiate because they have learned that it will likely go nowhere. There is few things in life that are worse than being rejected by your wife. It impacts your thoughts for days afterwards.
Follower of christ: asking and trying gets old when it never goes anywhere. I agree with you.
I’m exhausted! 25 years of wooing and pampering and “nice kissing” and hand-holding and massage and texting/calling and prayer and patience and acceptance and my tank is dry. I’m spent and weary and STILL haven’t experienced, “the joy of marriage.” But, I’m appreciative of this community.
Agreed. What happens when 29 times out of 30 you make dinner, do the dishes, put the kids to bed, walk the dog, maybe run her a bubble bath, ask how her day is going, listen to what is on her mind, not because you are trying to buy sex but because you care about this woman, and then you either verbally, non verbally, text message, or just physically try to initiate and you either get the pull away, the hand slap, the playful (or the not so playful) STOP! but when she’s ovulating (according to her) for that one day, it’s like heaven opens and a beam of sunshine lights on the bed…. married for 11 years. 2 instances of porn infidelity, most recent one was 3.5 years ago. Have sought counseling, completed 12 steps, and here we are. It’s disheartening, to say the least.
I have had this problem for thirty years now. My attempts always end up with a fight, keeping in mind I follow all the tips mentioned here. Today was our anniversary and we had a fight when I even tried to get closer. It started with a text message, waited for her at home and met her at the door giving her a hug and a kiss. She pushed me away and said she was hungry. I made her food and brought it for her. She spent more than an hour eating alone. I came closer when she came to lie on the couch but she pushed away. She said I wish you only sit next to me. I did. Two minutes later she grabbed her phone to talk to her friends and check Facebook. We had a fight and that was our anniversary. This is very common almost every time I try to reach out. I could not give her the gift and flowers I prepared for her I could not even wish her a happy anniversary.
What advice do you have for me?
I have a quick question about #5: what are your thoughts on praying together while dating? My girlfriend and I try to pray together every day, and while it brings us closer to God it also brings us closer to one another. Do you have any suggestions for ensuring that we don’t cross any physical boundaries after we pray together? Me and her want to get closer to God but we also want to be wise about not getting too close with one another too quickly.
I actually wrote a post on that that I’m planning on rerunning soon! I’m glad you brought that up, because I don’t think people realize how intimate praying is, and how much THAT is the reason that a lot of people cross physical boundaries.
I’d just say pray together, yes, but do so in less of a private place. 🙂
Husbands, these are good tips to avoid coming on too strong. BUT, if your initiation is weak, needy or shaming, you will never turn her on. Be solid.
My wife has never initiated sex, but her philosophy is if you cannot romance me, then nothing doing. She panics and has mental problems, bc our son died 7 yrs ago of cancer and she got Adrenal Fatigue (a disease that causes suicide in extreme cases) and PTSD. I believe she has always had thyroid issues, bc the problem’s always been there. She is still sleeping on the couch after 7 yrs. Can’t afford a doctor for her or counseling. We’re very poor by western standards.
I personally think that the biggest thing will be reading the non-verbal cues. I think there are “barometers” of feelings. Find the barometer, read it, bingo bango, you know how she’s feeling and you know what she needs next. It might be obscure, but I am almost certain that women (at large) do actually have one.
For example, my barometer is the towels. Hang with me here. Generally I will fold the towels “hotel style” (no edges showing). And that means that I am happy, content, and kind of “playing house”. If that tips over into “I have just reorganised the airing cupboard”, then I need more adventure, creativity and romance in my life, and will love you forever if you bring it to me. If the towels are folded in the airing cupboard but not hotel style… I’m feeling inadequate. Not up to doing it “properly”. In that case, talk to me. Be my best friend. If the towels are still in the tumble dryer or a laundry basket… I am busy, heading towards overwhelm. I’ll be forever grateful if you take some burdens off me. But probably just ask, “what can I do that will be useful?” If the towels are just shoved into the airing cupboard not folded… I am panicking. Looking for a quick fix. And also feeling inadequate. Consider this “the edge” (as in, “I am dangerously close to the edge”). And if there is not a clean towel to be found, then I am outside of the usual realm, I have gone over the edge and can’t just ‘come back’, I am Not OK. And I can’t think clearly about what I need/what would be useful. And I will need you to do it for me. Give me a direct order. (A benevolent one, of course.) But if I am Not OK, this probably won’t be your first clue. But it will be for some of the other things.
Now, your wife may — probably will — have a different barometer than I do. But I am almost certain that she will have one. If there’s any “little” thing that she gets particularly snippy or defensive about, chances are that’s halfway there to finding it. (For example, I would get waaaay more snippy (or angry but trying to contain myself) about the towels than I would about, say, dishes or vacuuming. Which is why I said to ask what would be useful when I’m busy. Putting the towels away “for” me would actually be the opposite of helpful, but doing the dishes or vacuuming — or even putting away other laundry — would be great, y’know?) * But directly asking about it is going to make her feel self conscious — not in saying it, but next time she comes to do it. She’ll be facing the temptation to manipulate you, and you’ll never know for sure whether or not she’s being passive aggressive. Best to find it on your own if you can.
If that sounds an impossible task, ask yourself this: could you do it for an animal? Could you tell if an animal was hungry or sad or in pain or overexcited or etc? Because if you can do it for an animal, you can do it for your own wife who is the same species and speaks the same language as you. That’s where the word “husband” comes from — from animal husbandry. From being so well acquainted with the animal(s) that you’re able to tell exactly what they need. Even when they can’t tell you. And this is the word we have chosen to represent the way a man cares for his beloved. That has to be important.
* I don’t know if men have such an obvious barometer. I haven’t found it in any if they do. Given what I said about husbandry, perhaps not? idk.
Phil is on point! I wish he could talk to my husband. I surprised my husband with tickets to The 5 Love Languages seminar 10 yrs ago after I had bought the book thinking this would provide the “aha” moment. Nope, he said it was non-sense & nobody should need affirmation, acts of service, gifts, etc to feel loved. I should add my hubby is an engineer & fits the stereotype of being extremely intelligent & very “black & white” in how he tackles issues. Sooo….after nearly 20 years of marriage, I am not sure where to go from here. I did coax him to take the test. He’s Physical Touch & I am Words of Affirmation. It’s a wonder how we’ve made it this far…neither of us speak the other’s love language. I even have Sheila’s Good Girl guide that I cannot even get past the first few pages with my husband. What’s wrong with me?