A lot of guys would love to have more sex with their wives. But how do they initiate sex without sending her heading in the other direction?
Because when a guy comes on too strong when that’s the last thing she’s thinking, it can often backfire. A guy who reads this blog recently sent me in this question:
I’m a happily married husband without libido problems. I find that it doesn’t come natural for me to initiate sexual intimacy verbally and my dear wife does not want me to initiate intimacy by jumping into foreplay without asking first. I see you have blog content to help wives initiate sex but our situation is different. When in the mood, my wife initiates but she does want me to initiate, too. It’s possible I’m alone in this department but there might be other men who could use some words of encouragement.
Great question! She wants to feel pursued, but if he grabs her when she’s not thinking that way–well, that can often be a turn off. So let’s jump in!
Initiate Sex by Gauging Her Interest Level:
I asked on Facebook for some ideas from my readers on what would help avoid them getting turned off, and a number of people mentioned ways that a husband could test the waters and see what her interest level was.
1. Use a code word.
My husband and I have a code. He’ll make the eyebrows jump while saying hmm hmm. If I reciprocate I’m in the mood. If not it dies there. He doesn’t have to speak to initiate and I don’t have to speak to let him know.
Another woman said:
Work together to find a code word, or phrase, that your comfortable with. Keep it playful, and personal. For example “Remember [insert honeymoon destination]” Or would she prefer something like nuzzling her neck while hugging her? Or a gentle caress on the thigh? A playful text before you come home from work? (I’ve been thinking about you 😉😉) The most important thing is you TALK about it, and you’re both aware and comfortable of what any secret signs and words mean.
2. Say something blatant–but let her have an out.
“Dang girl, you look hot. Mm I want that.” In the mood : “come get it.” Not in the mood: “Aw thanks, I really appreciate that.”
And then, if she uses the “out” phrase, let her be.
Initiate Sex by Helping Her Feel Close to You:
Good suggestions from my readers for gauging her mood, but I think many women actually want to be pursued and to be wooed to want to make love. As I said in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, men tend to make love to feel loved, whereas women need to feel loved in order to make love! So if you’re going to make love, she needs to feel closer to you first. Here are some ways to do that:
3. Text her throughout the day.
Let her know that you’re thinking about her and that she excites you.
Thinking about seeing all of you tonight!
Remembering the awesome time at [fill in the blank].
I love you so much! So looking forward to coming home to you tonight.
Then, when you get home, hug and kiss her and whisper something in her ear that reiterates that (“Can’t believe I have you to come home to…”)
4. Compliment her.
Don’t just tell her she’s beautiful–tell her what about her is so beautiful. “I love how curvy you are” or “Your eyes are breathtaking” are better than, “You are so beautiful.” Tell her what a great job she’s doing at something that she really values but that stresses her out (like motherhood, or drawing boundaries with difficult people, or even at work). Tell her you’re proud of her. It’s a big turn on.
5. Pray with her.
Prayer can actually be a big libido booster! When you open yourself up to God, and become vulnerable together before Him, it helps you feel more vulnerable towards each other, too. Emotional intimacy, that tearing down of walls, is one of the best triggers for getting your libido going. So pull closer to her with God, too!
6. Spend some time talking to her during the day–bonus if it’s while you’re in bed.
She needs to feel like you truly “know” her, and that you’re interested in what’s going on with her. And since many women can’t relax enough to have sex when there are tons of things running through our minds, when a guy helps us process all the concerns we have, it both helps us feel heard and cherished, but also helps us put those things on the back burner so that we can concentrate on what’s happening now! And if you do this while you’re cuddling in bed–it’s easier for other things to start!
Men tend to make love to feel loved, whereas women need to feel loved in order to make love! So if you’re going to make love, she needs to feel closer to you first. Here are some ways to do that:
7. Ask her, “What’s the big thing that’s on your mind right now?”
Along the lines with the above suggestion, if she finds it difficult to get in the mood because she’s always feeling overwhelmed and busy, try to help her tackle her biggest stressor. Ask her what’s the biggest thing that’s worrying her. Then follow up and ask, “do you want me to listen, or do you want me to try to solve it?” And then do what she says!
Initiate Sex by Getting Physical:
Okay, feeling emotionally close is great. But honestly–that’s often not enough. So think of those suggestions as being what you do FIRST, to lead up to this: it’s time to start touching.
Marriage Shouldn’t Be BORING!
8. Cuddle while you’re watching a movie
Touch her! If you’re spending time with her going for a walk, sitting on a couch, or doing just about anything–take her hand, cuddle her, anything!
9. Offer a massage.
As I shared recently, massage is such an important component of our intimate life. I often have so much on my mind, and I live so much in my head that I need that transition time to just FEEL. That’s what massage does. It helps me put all of the things I’m worried about on the back burner, and listen to what my body is feeling. And because it’s also relaxing, it’s a great way to initiate sex! So when you’re watching a movie, rub her shoulders or her feet. In bed, start rubbing her back. Or do a real back rub as the MELT Massage videos can teach!
10. Start with a kiss
Finally, this is the big thing. If you want to make love, start with a kiss. Then make the kiss deeper. And see where it goes! But with women, sex mostly starts with kissing, not with grabbing some other part of her body. Let her enjoy the kiss. Chances are you kissed a ton before you were married, but then often we stop kissing once we’re married because women are afraid that if they kiss, they lead you on, and they’re not sure that they necessarily want to make love. That’s because it’s kissing itself that often starts to get us in the mood. Not in the first two seconds perhaps, but as the kiss goes on longer. So kiss her! Yes, sometimes she may still say no. But don’t let that stop you from trying. You know, normally for my top 10 posts, I tell you to pick 1-2 ideas and do them. But this, I think, is cumulative. Try to do ALL of them. Start with texting. Hold her hand. Talk to her. Pray with her. Give her a massage. Kiss her. And THAT’S how you initiate sex with your wife!
Want more help to spice things up a little bit?
My sponsor Ultimate Intimacy has an awesome resource for you. The Ultimate Intimacy App is an app for your phone with a great game that you can play that starts with romantic prompts, moves to mild foreplay prompts, then on to heavy foreplay, then hot and heavy. So it builds up the sexual tension, which is what women tend to want! If she wants to try new things with you, and you’re nervous about where to start, or feel awkward, this takes that awkwardness out. Check out the app here! Or read my review of it here.
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