What do you do if foreplay actually hurts–the guy I mean?
Yep, here at To Love, Honor and Vacuum, we tackle every kind of sex question imaginable. And today, for my Ask Sheila video, I thought I’d tackle this one (and with many thanks to the Ultimate Intimacy app for sponsoring this post–and to those of you who have replied to my Instagram stories about it with quite funny memes):
I just finished The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and loved it. The biggest thing I gained from your book was simply that physical intimacy is a huge part of marriage and I need to focus on it. As a result, my husband and I have been intimate much more lately. This past week was the first time we achieved intimacy 4 times in a week (we’ve been married for 8.5 years). This was a huge success for us and the success is filtering into other areas of our relationship because of it. However, one problem we’ve had is that my husband has significant pain in his wrist from clitoral stimulation. And because of the increase in frequency, the pain is worse. Do you have any practical suggestions for this problem? I should say that I am 7 months pregnant, so I know that one suggestion might be to try to find ways to orgasm during intercourse, but this probably isn’t the best time to take that on as positions are currently a bit limited 🙂 Thank you so much!!
Here’s my response:
Great question! Some other posts to help about foreplay:
- How to make foreplay fun for both of you
- My husband doesn’t understand how important foreplay is
- The Ultimate Intimacy App (it really is great!)
Foreplay is awesome–but it’s also better if she can get more active so that he isn’t just doing a repetitive motion. So go try those other things!
And also–one more thing about The Ultimate Intimacy app. The reader mentioned in the question that she was finding other positions difficult because of pregnancy, but the app has over 200 positions–and you can search for them based on criteria (like being pregnant!) So it’s a good way of finding other things that can feel good. 🙂
The Ultimate Intimacy App It really can help you make things a lot more fun–and make foreplay more fun because you switch it up, and you’re not doing those repetitive motions too long. 🙂
Check out my post about the app, or get it on Google Play or iTunes.
And now let me ask you: any tips for foreplay so it doesn’t get repetitive? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Sheila, try a “vertical mouse” for your problem. I recently started having to use my mouse far more due to my job, so I tried a vertical mouse, and it’s soooo much better!
I started reading this comment with the thought of resolving the original question not the follow up. I was like what the heck is the vertical mouse position??? until of course It hit me LOL. I guess I am just not right. Seriously though -just my 2 cents here – take the pregnancy issue out of it and this works for us. If the woman thrusts and the man leaves his hand in one position(that your choice exactly how) that is a compliment to the problem.
Going to go Google that right now! 🙂
I thought it was a position or aid too, but no it’s a computer mouse that is vertical, lol
We have the problem where he’s much more touch activated and my wrist gets sore, so this is very helpful.
Sheila— picking up from your suggestion at ~4.05 in the video about the submitter grinding against her husband, here’s a position my bride and I enjoy that your pregnant inquirer may find comfortable (and feel free to edit the vocabulary as necessary):
On her back, she perches herself at the mattress’ edge. Standing and aroused, he rests the shaft of his penis against her vulva, preferably between her parted labia. A forward press of his pelvis and some gentle rocking of her hips should spark some slide and pressure against her clitoris, and the slide of her labia along his shaft should give him some delicious sensations as well. This position also allows for his hands to be free to support her calves, caress her body, even lean in to kiss her pregnant belly. Strategically placed pillows can change the angle of contact, or relieve the back strain of pregnancy.
I also like your suggestion of switching things up. I think there’s many of us who think of intimacy linearly. We do W-X-Y as foreplay so that we can get to the Z of intercourse for the big O. We should enjoy marital intimacy in and if itself. If it fosters a beautiful, loving, enriching communion between us two, regardless of what path we take that particular day, then it’s as God designed. God didn’t design sexual intimacy to be linear; He designed it to be lyrical. If He didn’t, then why did He inspire Solomon to call his book The Song of Songs?
Another great post, Sheila. Thanks for writing it. And best of luck to your submitter, her husband, and their little one who’ll soon be joining them!
Beautifully written Greg. I’m trying to envision your suggestions. Do you think this would also be beneficial if the woman was pregnant and the man had a pregnancy-sized belly that hung low and wide hips too? (as is the case with my husband and I)
Many thanks for your compliment, Natalie.
I think it’s worth some exploration on your and your husband’s part. This position is a relatively recent add to my bride’s and my repertoire, but it’s become our go-to, not only for the setting I describe above but for intercourse as well. A variant is to perch yourself at the corner of the bed (assuming your bedframe doesn’t have a footboard, posts or the like).
(As before, Sheila—feel free to edit for content and vocab)
I perceive that accommodating your husband will partly depend on drawing your knees wide and possibly up toward your sides. You may find that, with some adjustments to angles, his belly may rest on his erection and on you ‘just right’ to add extra pressure on his shaft against your vulva and clitoris, as well as add some pressure to your Mons overall which may give you a yummy sensation.
We also like this position for penetration: it will allow you to lay back and relax while giving him a solid stance on the floor, giving him the ability to control the angles, depth and pace, as well as to engage all his senses.
I hope this helps. Happy to offer any further insight you may like.
Happy, blessed exploring, you two!
We used to have this issue, and the solution was: he started keeping his wrist straight, not bending it. That way his arm pushes my belly a bit, but not uncomfortably. Might be uncomfortable for a pregnant woman though, I am not sure.
One other thing: if you use oil-based lubricant for clitoral stimulation, it means switching to oral will not be an option. So a water-based lubricant that is oral-sex-friendly is a good idea.
I don’t want to knock this conversation off course, but picking up on Flo’s 2nd paragraph, I’m seeking suggestions for a massage salve that’s edible (or, at least, doesn’t taste horrid if it ends up in my mouth) and is safe and appropriate should some end up inside her.
Thanks.
Have you checked out Femallay? They have some great stuff that’s all edible.
I have not. Thanks for the tip, Sheila. I will check that out!
We just use regular virgin coconut oil you’d buy at the store for cooking as our lube. Works very well for lubrication and it’s no big deal if he ingests some of it. Plus, it’s a good conditioner for the skin and softens when absorbed by the skin.
Thanks for the tip, Natalie. I’ve heard many good things about coconut oil. Does it have much of a coconut fragrance or flavor? (I’m not much of a fan of coconut.)
Virgin coconut oil has a faint coconut scent and flavour in my opinion. However, I find it neutralises somewhat when used in a sexual setting. 😉 It’s not overpoweringly coconut-y.
@ Natalie— Thank you for the insight on virgin coconut oil. I might have to explore that a bit.
For crying out loud take him to the doctor and SOLVE THE PROBLEM OF HIS WRIST too, before he hurts himself further…. 🙂
Also he should do some exercises to strengthen his wrists and do forearm workouts too.
I’m sorry I just can’t stop giggling over this post. It’s not like I haven’t heard the same complaint from my husband. I don’t complain when my legs ache pregnant or not, or when I’m annoyed that acting like a horse is the only way he get happy, but for crying out loud, have men been this whiny all through history? Sorry, Sheila, I just live with a whiny guy and this means I’m not alone! Wow, if I complained about everything that physically makes me uncomfortable during sex…..sigh…
My husband might get aroused initially however if foreplay takes too long he looses his erection bc he thinks it is not working and he gets discouraged. I cannot convince him otherwise. This has happened for a long time. Usually I have to be very ready before we even start and have intercourse quickly which leads to more lack of success bc of not being relaxed or fully ready.