I have had an awesome week giving my Girl Talk event in two different churches in southwestern Ontario!
At my Girl Talk, I talk in the first half about what God designed sex to be, and why we often experience such tension around libido differences and problems making sex feel good for her.
Then we take a break, where people can get food and some coffee, peruse the book table, but especially write out some anonymous questions for me.
After the break, I answer as many questions as I can before turning to the second half of the presentation, about the three building blocks for a great sex life.
This week I didn’t get to all the questions during the events, but I promised the women that I’d still answer them. So I thought I’d write out their questions in this post and then link to more information! (I’ve done that with previous Girl Talks where I had more unanswered questions about sex.)
Before I get to those questions, though, I want to tell you a little bit about our Guelph event. Catie, the awesome woman who planned it, only really started promoting it about a month ago. She told all the other churches in the area and got it in their bulletin. She talked it up to friends on Facebook and in person. And then for the actual event, she just bought some chocolates and a bit of fruit, and had coffee and tea. For decorations she just used a few pots of mums, and then we had our banner. And that was it.
Seriously not a lot of work. And you don’t have to start promoting too much in advance because most people don’t commit until the last week anyway (which is really frustrating if you’re the organizer! People, if you’re likely going to go to an event, buy tickets ahead of time! It’s just the polite thing to do).
My event last night was sold out as well. The church was packed, and it was so much fun (I don’t have pictures because I only got home at 2:00 this morning and haven’t organized them yet!). But we’re planning another tour in November and then in January, and if you live in a state south of Michigan, and you’d like to host an event, just email my assistant Tammy. We’d love to include you on our tour! (Arkansas, Mississippi, and Tennessee–I’m especially talking to you!). And you can read more about Girl Talk here.
Okay, now let me get to those questions!
1. How many times a week does a healthy marriage have sex?
That depends on a lot of things—work schedules, age of kids, etc. I can tell you that when I did the research for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, 42.7% of women reported having sex less than once a week. That alarmed me, and when I surveyed the men most weren’t very happy about this! I would think that 2-3 times a week is a good number, but I also think maybe we’re asking the wrong question. Instead of saying, “how often should I?”, we should start framing it as, “sex is great for me! And I want this in my life.” A few posts that can help:
- What does “Do Not Deprive” Mean? (a 3-part series)
- Deciding How Often to Make Love
- A Healthier Way to Talk about Sexual Needs (the end of this post shows a better way to talk about sex than what we may normally hear).
2. Why during pregnancy, and for a few months after—would a woman have ZERO desire. Is that normal? I’m afraid I won’t spring back after nursing.
Our hormones can really play a number on us when we’re pregnant and breastfeeding—and libido is heavily reliant on hormones. Here are a few posts that can help—some about pregnancy and some about hormones in general.
- 8 Steps to a Better Sex Life When Pregnant
- 5 Reasons Your Libido is Sub-Zero:
- 10 Things to Know about Hormones and Libido:
3. How can you keep your husband happy if sex isn’t possible for an extended period of time?
Health issues can cause a lot of problems for your sex life! Here are a few posts that can help:
Another important thing—don’t just think about keeping your husband happy. You need to relax and feel close, too! Prioritize your own enjoyment, and he’ll likely feel even better about sex than if he feels as if you’re just giving him sexual favours.
4. How do you bring up this topic with your fiance? What do you even talk about?
This can be quite the minefield! But I do think some conversations are important before you’re married—namely that you both think sex is important in marriage; that you realize that it’s a journey where it may not be perfect right off the bat, but you’re both dedicated to learning; and that you both understand that sex isn’t just for him, but for her, too. I think her reading The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex is really important. And I hope that you’re getting pre-marital counselling where this is talked about!
But again, let me reiterate: Just know that even if it’s not great right off the bat, you’re both dedicated to work on it. BOTH of you. I think sometimes it’s assumed that if sex isn’t good, the wife needs to figure it out, because for the husband it’s working. Nope. You both need to figure it out! And here are some posts as well:
- Top 10 Wedding Night Tips
- 10 Things to Share with Your Daughter Before She Walks Down the Aisle (these are just good to know!)
5. What happens when your body shape is not that important to you, but it is to him? How do you handle that?
Here are some posts that address this:
6. How do you please your husband sexually while dealing with hormone problems and prolonged periods? Is oral sex okay?
First, I’d really recommend trying to deal with the hormone problems! I’m sure you’re trying, but look into changing your diet or look at adrenal fatigue and some other things that can cause your hormones to be out of whack. You don’t want to live like that!
Second, I always get nervous when people talk about “please your husband sexually” with no apparent emphasis on pleasing themselves as well. Sex is for you, too, and even if you’re experiencing hormonal problems, you still need that intimacy and release, so this may help:<
And, yes, oral sex is totally okay!
7. What advice do you have for a wife who hasn’t experienced the big “O”, though she and her husband have tried often?
A reader also recently told her own story of a journey of finally reaching orgasm after 26 years of marriage, and you can find it here:
8. Any suggestions for women in menopause? Sex is not like it used to be!
Here are some posts that can help!
9. Do you have any practical advice for a wife whose husband has low libido, and I mean like we haven’t had sex in two years.
Yikes! That is really sad. And it’s increasingly common, too. For further reading:
And to go along with that one, here’s another question:
10. What is your main advice to the married couple who fall into the 30% where the woman’s drive is higher than her husband’s?
I’ve written a lot about this over the years, but here’s a post with links to a lot of the other ones, and that sums up a lot of information!
- 10 Things High Libido Wives Need to Know
- When Your Husband Doesn’t Want to Make Love
- And this one helps you figure out how to broach the subject with your husband:
When He’s Not Interested in Sex: How to Communicate Your Needs
11. I love my husband dearly and he is a fantastic father, my best friend, and so much more. But he’s never been a good kisser and it’s hard often to really get into foreplay. How do I get past this? We have sex at least weekly—and I want more for us.
That’s a great question, and one I haven’t addressed before. I’d say practice, practice, practice. Set the timer for 15 seconds and try to kiss for 15 seconds. Or else ask him to be still and let you just kiss him. Let him see what it’s supposed to be like. Or you can even tell him what you like (without saying that you hate what he’s doing). Like: “You know what I really like when we kiss? When you start soft and then slowly build up, like this…” and then show him.
I think sometimes we’re scared to say something because we don’t want to insult our spouses, but then we end up having these sex lives where we’re not enthusiastic and we’re not enjoying it, and I’m not sure that’s actually very good for our spouse, either. Addressing it can be awkward, but in the long run it’s likely better to try to work at it and talk about it then to live with it and build up resentment or disappointment.
12. Is it wrong if he wants you to touch yourself instead of him doing it?
Okay, that’s a difficult question, because it depends on the context! If he’s saying, “I’m not interested in foreplay, so you get yourself excited and then we’ll have sex”, that’s really wrong. He should be getting you excited! And sex isn’t supposed to be a solitary thing where you yourselves excited and then use each other afterwards. It’s supposed to be about intimacy.
If, on the other hand, he just likes watching you touching yourself sometimes, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. And it can actually help guys figure out what we women like, too. It can be exciting for him to see you excited.
But if he likes watching you because he wants to maintain that distance–then that can be weird as well. So that may not be a very good answer, but in general I’d say, if it’s not a substitution for something important, and if it’s just occasionally, that’s fine. If it’s to maintain distance or fantasy, then it’s not. I hope that makes sense!
13. Is there a way to increase libido?
Absolutely! It all comes with recognizing all the elements that go into libido: What libido really means for women; how to think more positively about sex; dealing with sexual baggage; stopping all the multitasking; addressing body image issues; addressing hormonal issues; and even building your friendship.
Whoa. That sounds exhausting.