Is exhaustion your biggest mood killer when it comes to sex?

Every Monday I like to take a reader question and take a stab at answering it, and today’s is from a woman who says she’s too exhausted for sex. I decided to do this one in video form, and then I’ve got some more links to some other helpful articles below!

For those of you who would rather read than listen, here’s the video about being too tired for sex in condensed form.

The woman says:

I have been working very hard for the last year to be more intentional and responsive when it comes to sex in my marriage. I have read books and prayed. I’ve spoken to my husband about my feelings, struggles, and needs. He understands and we do the best we can. I still feel guilty that we don’t have sex enough. I’m a teacher and I’m thoroughly exhausted after each 10-12 hour work day of waking up early and being on the go nonstop. That’s the biggest roadblock to a great sex life: exhaustion. Should I be forcing myself even when I can’t keep my eyes open? Is sex even meaningful if I’m not able to be mentally present?

Okay, great question. My bigger one, though, is this: Is this really the kind of life you want to lead? Where you’re exhausted all the time, you don’t have time for your marriage, you never feel passion, you’re slipping into a sexual rut? Is that what we want? Because largely this is a choice.

So let’s look at it:

Can You Be Too Exhausted for Sex? Help when you have no libido #nolibido #tootiredforsex

Can you really be too exhausted for sex?

Well, yes, there are times I think you can. But on a day-to-day basis, no, I don’t think so. And that’s because: great sex actually helps you sleep better! When you orgasm, it releases all kinds of hormones that help you sleep faster and deeper.

I used to say no a lot because I was too exhausted, but then one night we made love anyway and I slept so deeply. I realized that was just what I needed! So now when I’m tired I say to Keith, “Come put me to sleep, baby!”

Can I have sex if I’m not mentally present?

Well, no, that’s definitely not a good idea. But let’s be serious here: Being mentally present is a choice. It’s a conscious thing that you do by deciding: this matters to me. I love my husband. I want to have fun.

Here’s one of the best gifts I find with sex when I’m busy: it helps me just be present, and just be about feeling, I can choose to go into that in-between mental state when I’m not thinking about anything, but I’m just experiencing.

This doesn’t happen automatically. It’s not like if you sit back and say, “well, when I want sex I’ll be able to experience great sex.” No, it’s about choosing to let your mind go there.

Sometimes starting with a massage can help. Sometimes having a cup of tea and just talking for a few minutes can help. But it is a choice you make.

What kind of life do you want in the long run?

Finally, if you’re living a life where you are chronically exhausted and have no time for sex or to feel passion or for your marriage–well, is this really what you want long-term? God created sex as a gift for you. You are a sexual being. When your life crowds that out and makes you too exhausted for sex, then you’re denying a huge part of yourself. You’re choosing to live half a life. Is that sustainable?

So ask yourself:

Could better organization help me to be less exhausted? Do I just need to get better with meal planning, laundry, homemaking, etc. so that things aren’t so overwhelming?

Do I need to keep better care of my body? Is part of my exhaustion the fact that I’m not eating well, I’m not eating at the right times, I’m not fuelling my body with what it needs? This was the case for me for years. I thought I was eating well; I really wasn’t. If you’re struggling with this, The Ultimate Healthy Living Bundle can help! I’t’s a collection of 90 resources worth over $2200, but it’s available until tonight at midnight for just $29.97! And I’m not kidding. I bought one myself, and I’m working through the fitness resources, but there are also great things on real food, on fixing hormonal imbalances, and more.

Healthy Relationship with Food

Check it out here. And remember–it’s gone at midnight tonight!

Do we need to think about bigger changes? If your job is making you so exhausted that you can’t live your life well, then maybe it’s time for a different job. Can you move to a cheaper community and downsize? Can you get a different sort of job? Can you make a 5-year-plan so that you won’t be doing this forever?

Your life is a choice. You get to choose how to live it. I know when we get exhausted it’s easy to feel like sex is an imposition. But if that’s the case–then there’s something seriously wrong. Can you make a choice to do something about it? Please?

Here are some other posts that can help when you feel too exhausted for sex:

What do you think? Have you ever had to make a major change because sex (or your marriage) just wasn’t working? Let’s talk in the comments!

SheilaSidebarAboutMe - Reader question:  I Am Just Too Exhausted for Sex Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
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