Is exhaustion your biggest mood killer when it comes to sex?
Every Monday I like to take a reader question and take a stab at answering it, and today’s is from a woman who says she’s too exhausted for sex. I decided to do this one in video form, and then I’ve got some more links to some other helpful articles below!
For those of you who would rather read than listen, here’s the video about being too tired for sex in condensed form.
The woman says:
I have been working very hard for the last year to be more intentional and responsive when it comes to sex in my marriage. I have read books and prayed. I’ve spoken to my husband about my feelings, struggles, and needs. He understands and we do the best we can. I still feel guilty that we don’t have sex enough. I’m a teacher and I’m thoroughly exhausted after each 10-12 hour work day of waking up early and being on the go nonstop. That’s the biggest roadblock to a great sex life: exhaustion. Should I be forcing myself even when I can’t keep my eyes open? Is sex even meaningful if I’m not able to be mentally present?
Okay, great question. My bigger one, though, is this: Is this really the kind of life you want to lead? Where you’re exhausted all the time, you don’t have time for your marriage, you never feel passion, you’re slipping into a sexual rut? Is that what we want? Because largely this is a choice.
So let’s look at it:
Can you really be too exhausted for sex?
Well, yes, there are times I think you can. But on a day-to-day basis, no, I don’t think so. And that’s because: great sex actually helps you sleep better! When you orgasm, it releases all kinds of hormones that help you sleep faster and deeper.
I used to say no a lot because I was too exhausted, but then one night we made love anyway and I slept so deeply. I realized that was just what I needed! So now when I’m tired I say to Keith, “Come put me to sleep, baby!”
Can I have sex if I’m not mentally present?
Well, no, that’s definitely not a good idea. But let’s be serious here: Being mentally present is a choice. It’s a conscious thing that you do by deciding: this matters to me. I love my husband. I want to have fun.
Here’s one of the best gifts I find with sex when I’m busy: it helps me just be present, and just be about feeling, I can choose to go into that in-between mental state when I’m not thinking about anything, but I’m just experiencing.
This doesn’t happen automatically. It’s not like if you sit back and say, “well, when I want sex I’ll be able to experience great sex.” No, it’s about choosing to let your mind go there.
Sometimes starting with a massage can help. Sometimes having a cup of tea and just talking for a few minutes can help. But it is a choice you make.
What kind of life do you want in the long run?
Finally, if you’re living a life where you are chronically exhausted and have no time for sex or to feel passion or for your marriage–well, is this really what you want long-term? God created sex as a gift for you. You are a sexual being. When your life crowds that out and makes you too exhausted for sex, then you’re denying a huge part of yourself. You’re choosing to live half a life. Is that sustainable?
So ask yourself:
Could better organization help me to be less exhausted? Do I just need to get better with meal planning, laundry, homemaking, etc. so that things aren’t so overwhelming?
Do I need to keep better care of my body? Is part of my exhaustion the fact that I’m not eating well, I’m not eating at the right times, I’m not fuelling my body with what it needs? This was the case for me for years. I thought I was eating well; I really wasn’t. If you’re struggling with this, The Ultimate Healthy Meal Planning Bundle can help! I’t’s a collection of 90 resources worth over $2200, but it’s available until tonight at midnight for just $29.97! And I’m not kidding. I bought one myself, and I’m working through the fitness resources, but there are also great things on real food, on fixing hormonal imbalances, and more.
Check it out here. And remember–it’s gone at midnight tonight!
Do we need to think about bigger changes? If your job is making you so exhausted that you can’t live your life well, then maybe it’s time for a different job. Can you move to a cheaper community and downsize? Can you get a different sort of job? Can you make a 5-year-plan so that you won’t be doing this forever?
Your life is a choice. You get to choose how to live it. I know when we get exhausted it’s easy to feel like sex is an imposition. But if that’s the case–then there’s something seriously wrong. Can you make a choice to do something about it? Please?
Here are some other posts that can help when you feel too exhausted for sex:
- 10 Ways to Help You Not Be Too Tired for Sex
- When Sex is Boring–and You Have No Desire for It
- Boost Your Libido–Understanding how you can help yourself want sex again, and be mentally present!
- The Ultimate Healthy Meal Planning Bundle–it’s only here until midnight! And I do urge you to check it out. So much of our libidos is dependent on our bodies. Let’s take care of our bodies!
- How to Have an Orgasm–because you should get to be just as excited for sex as he is!
What do you think? Have you ever had to make a major change because sex (or your marriage) just wasn’t working? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I love/hate this answer. I love it because I believe that it is absolutely, on the nose correct. I hate it because I can’t pretend that I don’t know what to do now. I have used the “exhaustion” excuse for many years. It’s really an unfair excuse for my husband because what kind of jerk would he be if he said, “Just do it anyway!” He can’t really argue my level of “exhaustion.” What’s ridiculous is, as you mentioned, I know darn, good and well that I sleep fabulously after a good romp. So, it’s counterproductive to not have sex. When you said, “It’s a choice,” I grimaced because I already knew that; but, I keep lying to myself by saying that someday I’ll just feel like doing it. Thank you for your frank advice that doesn’t pull any punches and doesn’t “Christianese” it up.
Candy, Sorry but not sorry. đ I know! It was a hard lesson to learn, but it really is a choice. And now, even if I’m really not thinking that way at all, but Keith approaches me, I just try to get thinking that way. And you know what? 95% of the time it does work. And the more it works, the easier it is to get out of my head and just decide that we’re going to do it!
Am I the only one who is more awake after? The “you sleep great” logic doesn’t always apply đ
No, you are not the only one. My wife is like you…it is harder for her to go to sleep after sex.
Then maybe it’s a good way to wake up in the morning. đ
Ok, these were suggestions for a wife. What would you recommend for men? How should I act in the moment of her “exhaution”? If she uses “I’m tired” excuse too much (even then I know she shouldn’t be) are there any options for us, men?
That’s a great question! I think sitting down with her and saying something like, “I am totally sorry that you’re so exhausted, and I’m worried about you. This isn’t a good way to live your life. You can’t sustain being chronically exhausted like this. I don’t want that for you. So can we look at what’s going on in your life and see how we can do things radically differently to free up some time and energy?” And then maybe coming up with better systems for the chores, or for cooking, or (and here’s a big one) a better bedtime routine for the kids, so that it doesn’t take forever and so that kids sleep through the night (that’s a huge cause for exhaustion in women). What can you take off of her plate, but also how can we organize time and chores better so that it doesn’t leave her exhausted? I think addressing that root issue is really important.
I totally agree with you. That’s why I’m doing all that stuff. Well, i’m not very good at cooking, but laundry, cleaning, groceries and kids – I’m trying to do my best. But it’s never enough.. We both have a full time jobs where we do have night shifts. It’s really hard NOT to be exausted. I told her hundreds times she didn’t have to work that musch. But sometimes it looks like she is doing that on purpose- just to have an excuse. Maybe it was a little bit cruel to say it that way but we are married for 15 years and I tried a lot of things. I tried to talk- it ended up with arguments all the time. I tried to take on my responsibility as much chores as I could- it was always not enough for her to be not exausted after the day. I even tried not to initiate sex- it took 2 sexless months for me to understand that she was not even going to think about it.. I tried to ask her what could be wrong- could I do anything to change her desire for sex and she said that she was totally satisfied with our intimate life. But I’m not. I do not want to hear excuses anymore. But I could do anything to make her happy. But you know what – I would like to be happy too
I know this is slightly off topic, but what do you do with a husband who is a workaholic and is often too tired or just not even around enough to have sex or really spend time together? My husband comes from a family of football coaches, which is like the worst job for family contrary to the image it puts off. His dad was a football coach for 10 years and while he eventually did get out of it because he never saw his children, he still waited until his oldest was seven years old. I have always kind of disliked him because I don’t know how a man could do that to his family. And he says he got out of it for the kids, but what about his wife? He also is the guy who went to football practice the SAME DAY one of his children was born. It was later and the grandma was there, but still, you couldn’t be spared one day? His dad says he felt “called into coaching” and this is also something I have been wrestling with. Are we really called into one profession? Just like are we really only mean to marry one person who is our soul mate out there somewhere? I definitely think God gives gifting and passions and in some situations points people very strongly in the area of jobs, but it almost seems like an excuse to do something bad for your family but you like when it is used like that. Because would God really call you to a job where you aren’t around your family at all? How can you fulfill your role as a husband or father if you aren’t around. Sure you are providing, but that isn’t the most important thing you are supposed to do and there are lots of ways to provide. I don’t know, maybe God does call men into jobs that keep them from their families so they aren’t wrong to do so. But it has always colored my opinion of my father in law because although he got out of it, he still got into it in the first place and stayed for so long. Now my husband is a strength coach which isn’t as bad of a schedule but still very busy and says he feels called. I want to honor and respect that, but like I said, can you really be called into something that makes the rest of your family miserable? I don’t know what to do or how to get past this block with my father in law and explain to my husband my fears and reservations. How can you disagree when someone says they are called to something? How do you know if that is true or just the Christian answer for “I want to do this.” And finally, am I wrong for thinking my father in law is kinda bad for putting his family through all those years of coaching and being absent and leaving his wife and his new baby the day of the birth to go to work?
Jess, I totally hear you. I got in a lot of hot water last year when I asked that question about Billy Graham. Now, there’s a man who was DEFINITELY called to something. But does God call us to do something that will hurt our families? I’ve never gotten a good answer to that.
I do think that far too often Christians use the “I’m called to this” excuse to justify their own bad choices. Absolutely. I’ve seen it happen again and again. And I do think we need a more external standard–God calls us, first and foremost, to our families. He does not call us to sacrifice our kids, or our marriages, to a job. He just doesn’t. And if people believe that God does, well, then, they’re more wedded to their own dreams for their lives than they are to following God, in my opinion (though I know that’s harsh).
I’m going to rerun a post soon on what to do if your husband is a workaholic, but I do think it’s a very valid issue. It’s so hard to navigate as the wife, too. You want to be the main focus, but too often he has no energy or attention left for the family. I think that’s where you have to have a big talk about goals. Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families is a really good book, and if your husband is willing to read it, I’d highly recommend it.
My Jess,
I agree that God calls us first to himself, then to our families (if we have them) and THEN to our ministry. There are a zillion different ways to balance the family and job/ministry part; what’s right for one family might not work for another. With that said, we don’t get to choose what other people do. We DO get to choose how we react to what other people do. We aren’t commanded to agree with everyone’s choices, but we are commanded to forgive them and love them just as Jesus loves us. You can continue to focus on the things that bug you about your father-in-law and husband, or you can choose to focus on and think about the good things about them. You can choose to pray that God blesses them exactly where they are. I promise you will feel better when you make different choices for yourself, regardless of what choices they made in the past or will make in the future. I pray that you are able to trust God to take care of all the things you can’t control. Be blessed!
That’s great advice, Jeanne! Definitely agree. I think what Jess is struggling with is that it’s easier to forgive and move on when people recognize that what they did was wrong. But when they keep saying that they’re “called” to it, it’s like they have a totally different concept of what God wants from us (or even who God is). And that’s really hard.
I totally get that. But I also think Jeanne has a good point, that the best way to deal with that is to focus on their good and to pray for their blessing. And that prayer may also be about opening their eyes to the beauty of their family around them.
I feel like I’d agree with this article 100% if I was ever able to orgasm. As it is, manual, oral & penetration have never resulted in an orgasm for me (yet! We’re still experimenting). So when my husband and I get it on, I have to make sure I don’t have much planned (like sleep!) for the next several hours. That’s why we usually have sex on weekend afternoons when the baby is napping/after church, and every other Friday afternoon since my husband has every other Friday off of work. Last night, the night before he was to leave for a 5 day out-of-town business meeting, sex before bed was unavoidable. He spent a good 30-40 minutes on me, trying to make me feel good so I’d get something out of it and maybe orgasm this time. (Idk if it was my hormones or fatigue, but the stuff that usually feels amazing just wasn’t feeling good that night). Don’t get me wrong, I had fun and enjoyed the experience and intimacy as I always do now. But once he orgasmed and his head hit the pillow like a rock, I felt like I was just reaching the peak of my horniness. That was extremely frustrating, since I lay awake for the next 3 hours being sexually frustrated and unable to fall sleep. Then our 1-year-old son decided to wake up almost 2 hours earlier than usual this morning, so taking that into account as well as the several times I needed consoling throughout the night, I got a grand total of 4.5 hours of sleep. Not to mention that I’ve been extremely exhausted these past 2 weeks since I recently found out I’m 6 weeks pregnant (thanks 31 Days To Great Sex). đ lol. So due to last night, my whole day today is going to be an exhausting, unproductive one. Thankfully that doesn’t happen regularly for me. How I would LOVE to orgasm and fall asleep within minutes! But that just doesn’t happen for me. And for that reason, in most circumstances (unlike last night’s scenario), I have no problem or guilt from refusing my husband for some before-bed sex. I need my sleep to function properly!
he needed consoling throughout the night* ^
If only we didnât treat our teachers so poorly here in the US! It really is appalling, and I donât know how anyone does it. I am so glad I switched from my teaching major to publishing. Ha.
I think there also needs to be a balance between quantity versus quality in order to try to find a middle ground when you are in survival mode like this questioner. I did not choose to be this exhausted, unless youâre counting my choice to have children. But even then, I finally reached out for medical intervention this summer because I donât care if I do have four children; this level of exhaustion is **not** normal. I got my hormones tested and it turns out they are at POST-menopausal levels, even though I am 34. Nope; not normal. Basically it feels like first-trimester exhaustion that never goes away. We just started supplementing hormones, but there is no quick fix. And my immune system is shot as a result, so Iâve been sick for over 6 weeks now. I didnât choose any of this.
I hope it has come through in my past comments that I am a firm believer in regular sex in marriage, but I have had to give myself permission to have less sex during this season (once, maybe twice a week), because trying to keep up our normal frequency (3x) was ending up in a lot of âhurry up and get it over withâ sex, both because of the exhaustion and the hormones that make it not great for me at all, and it was damaging our relationship to do it anyway. So now we are trying to focus more on having higher quality even if it is less often versus low quality but high quantity. Itâs just a season. It isnât the norm for us, and I donât want it to be the norm long-term. But it is okay for right now.
So I am with you in asking whether your current situation is sustainable long-term, and if not, what changes need to be made, but sometimes it really is just a season. Sex has its ups and downs like everything else in marriage, and it is okay to have a down season. Be prepared to fight for change with time, and do the best you can to stay in this thing together even when itâs tough, but give yourself grace if itâs just a season.