We’re told to rejoice with those who rejoice. But sometimes that’s an awfully hard slog.
Hi everyone – this is Joanna, one of Sheila’s assistants. This week in September, Sheila (and all of us at To Love, Honor, and Vacuum), remember Sheila and Keith’s late son, Christopher, who passed away 22 years ago today. I asked Sheila if I could write a reflection on the refining fire we experienced when I was an infertility patient. Sheila, Rebecca, and the rest of the team are back in Canada and are enjoying the thrills of jetlag after their missions trip to Kenya, but Sheila will be back on the blog tomorrow with the start of this month’s series on women and submission. Please pray for them as they process their time in Kenya, as well as for the many people they served there. We hope you had a wonderful Labor Day weekend!
In my daughter’s nursery sits what is perhaps our most prized possession – a cradle made out of wood in Egypt by hand many years ago by our dear friend, Dr. Kenneth Bailey. He crafted it for his daughter, whom I have always called Aunt Sara. He made it while they were missionaries there and the cradle has made its way around the world. Aunt Sara gave it to me when I was expecting my daughter and we are so grateful for it. We actually used it as a part of our newborn photo shoot (by the way – newborn photo shoots are totally worth it!)
Mariana in her special doll cradle as a newborn
Dr Bailey was a very important person, though he never acted like it. (His book, Jesus through Middle Eastern Eyes, is, quite literally, life changing). He had so much wisdom for us and I can’t express how much I miss being able to ask him all of my questions. I felt, when we were together, that I’d gotten a taste of what it was like to sit at Jesus’ feet. (A cover story he wrote for Christianity Today in 1998 on the prodigal son is a wonderful introduction to his work, if you’re interested.)
Dr Bailey had a hard life. He fled Rommel during the Second World War (he was an MK in Egypt), lived through a war in Lebanon (during which it was unsafe for him to leave the house), and lost his only son to brain cancer. He knew sorrow – and yet he was a person who chose joy.
One of the truths he shared with my family was this: it is harder to rejoice with those who rejoice than to mourn with those who mourn.
I’ve thought a lot about that fact as I’ve gone through my life, and I think he’s entirely right.
And so when I found myself in a desert period of my life, I was determined to rejoice.
I didn’t do it perfectly, but I did my very, very best. During that season my husband couldn’t seem to find a job in his field (he’s a lawyer) and I couldn’t get pregnant.
Josiah made call after call to firms, got lots of interviews…and nothing worked out. I began having tests done and scheduled each month around my cycle, while privately finding it hard to live in the uncertainty of whether I would get to be a mother.
This is the desert: when life feels literally barren, empty, void.
We kept finding mirages, a job potential, a new treatment for my infertility… but they’d fade to nothing as we got closer.
I found a podcast episode on infertility, and I listened to it whenever I struggled. I listened on repeat to Andrew Peterson’s “The Sower’s Song,” and I clung to the promise that the seed planted “will not return void”. I trusted that my life would be abundant, somehow, whether I was a mommy or not.
[click_to_tweet tweet=”Here’s a hard truth: It is easier to mourn with those who mourn than it is to rejoice with those who rejoice. Can we rise above it?” quote=”Here’s a hard truth: It is easier to mourn with those who mourn than it is to rejoice with those who rejoice. Can we rise above it?”]
Of course, the challenge is that while we were in the desert, lots of our friends appeared to be in gardens.
I was invited to lots of baby showers and, as I served as the chair of the children’s ministries team at church and taught Sunday school… my life was full of children. I ached to have one of my own, but I also found it to be such a balm to have kids I could love. Maybe I wouldn’t be a mommy, but I could love these kids. I could be the best Sunday school teacher I could be.
I didn’t always manage this perfectly. A friend (who was pregnant with her second baby) had her husband (who is also in law) get a prized position clerking with the Supreme Court of Canada. And I was filled with ugly, green envy that I had to confess to the Lord. My heart broke when I looked around our church at all of the women whose bodies had managed to nurture new life, I wondered why I was so defective.
But, I persevered. Even when it was hard, I went to the baby showers (even if I cried beforehand) and I didn’t bring up my infertility. I took my Sunday school girls to watch baby dedications in the service and we celebrated together. I went to church on Mother’s Day and I honored the many mothers who I loved in the congregation, including my mother in law and my grandmother in law. I also recognized that I was in the beginning of my journey of infertility, and so, while it was hard, I also knew that it would get harder if I stayed in the desert, so while I had lots of goals, I also realized that I might need to move the goalposts eventually.
Now, did I do this to simply pat myself on the back for being “the bigger person”? No. You see, my mother was also an infertility patient. She talked often about how the Lord had used it in her life and how much she’d learned through the experience. I was determined that my own experience would not be wasted. I was determined to emerge from the refining fire better than when I’d gone in – a bit battered, sure, but purer.
And so I chose joy when my friends and family had joyful experiences.
Joy, you see, is often a choice. Sometimes I didn’t feel joyful, but I chose to focus on the person who I wanted to be, the person who I trusted Jesus to make me. And, somehow, the knowledge that I was doing a hard thing that was also very much worth doing gave me a great deal of comfort. It helped me to persevere.
When I did, after 18 months of trying, manage to become pregnant, I found myself not in the desert anymore. Instead, we were in a jungle. Teeming with life, but full of changes and dangers and challenges. It has been another good, but hard, season. As we’ve dealt with a number of health issues, two moves, a new job, and adjusting to parenthood, I’m grateful for the muscles I built while training in the desert, for the refining I had there.
We all experience times of testing in the desert, when life feels empty.
We also face times in the jungle, when we hold on for dear life as we face danger around every corner. But in all times, we can hold onto the words written by James, the Lord’s brother:
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. (James 1:2-4, NIV)
I’d love to hear your experiences of desert and jungle in the comments!
Newborn Photo Shoot with Joanna, Josiah, and little Mariana
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
My third daughter (born after an infant death, and a stillborn) is named Mariana too!
I agree. It is is very hard to rejoice with those who rejoice, at times. Sunday was my sister’s baby shower. She, my sister-in-law, and I were all expecting boys, due within two months of each other. I had a late-term miscarriage, my fourth loss, which brought us to me having an undesired tubal last week. I love my sister, and I am happy for her- they had a hard time getting pregnant. But it was a very hard day for me and my husband. I don’t know that I’ve learned what I’m supposed to, except the Dory mantra- keep on swimming, keep on swimming…
Hi Noel,
I’m so sorry to hear about your difficulties! I’m so impressed that you managed to go to the shower – I always tried to go… but I also realized hat I was at the early end of infertility. Friends who dealt with it for far longer usually stopped going at some point, and I recognized I might get there too, even though I really wanted to keep going. I think you guys being there is commendable and really shows how much you love your sister
I know I wrote a lot about Dr Bailey in the post, but I’d really recommend his book on the Good Shepherd (published shortly before his death). I find the portrait of God as the good shepherd to be very comforting.
May the Lord be with you in this difficult season.
Also – how fun to have two Marianas. We’re big fans 😊
I haven’t faced infertility, but I’m recently divorced. I sometimes wonder how I will react at the first wedding I attend. Will I be able to be happy for the couple, or will I be cynical the whole time because I know how very wrong things can go? I pray that God helps me in this area. Good post!
Hi Ashley,
So sorry to hear about your divorce (did you post last week? Sorry if I’m repeating myself.)
One thing I’ve tried to do is to do the thing I want to do, whether I feel like it or not… and I don’t worry about how I feel – it’s a win if I make it through it! And usually, once I’m there it’s much easier – the anticipation is usually the worst bit!
Prayers to you as you heal
All, but one grandchild, was given up for adoption. There were four I wasn’t allowed to see or talk to. The one I could, I don’t have a clue to where he is. I understand I, even, have a great grand daughter, from him, somewhere.
I would watch others share about their grandchildren, on Facebook, especially around the holidays. Christmases, Before FB was started, I would buy 5 toys for a family, who wouldn’t normally, get them. Then I would search for them and contact the parent to pick them up.
I would see families celebrating birthdays together. While I rejoiced for them, It broke my heart that I didn’t have mine in my life, but I got used to it.
Then, recently, I found myself desiring to have them in my life again. I just couldn’t shake this feeling of not being able to see or talk to any of them.
I had asked my grand daughter to be my friend, on FB. The day, after my husband and my 29th. Anniversary, August 26th., she responded! Since then, she and her husband have video chatted with me and mine. I will be so happy when she, my daughter and us can be together. For the meantime, though, I am just happy to have her back in my life.
I’m so glad for your sweet reunion. Praying for reconciliation!
Desert times! We just walked through seven years of non stop hits to our family and I cried when I read this. We gave birth to our first daughter and we both almost died, she is a special needs child and it’s hard. We had her sister two years after then suffered two miscarriages at the second trimester where I endured scary complications both times. I hated baby showers and I would have anxiety attacks holding friends new baby’s or hearing their healthy birth stories. My daughter also got diagnosed with a bone disease, my other daughter needed surgery and my husbands appendix needed emergency surgery during this time. May daughter was in and out of the hospital for months and I got diagnosed with some health issues. During this time God moved me to confess some premarital lies I had covered to my husband and our marriage was shook to its core. My daughter then was sexually assaulted at her school and we had to leave our community. It wasn’t until this year hat we started having breakthrough. I’m now pregnant and 4 weeks away from my due date with a “promised” baby boy, we are in a new community that we love, and we have he supports we need to help our family and my daughter. It’s still hard and we have a lot of grief and healing we’ve been wading through, but Jesus has us and he always did and my faith is so different now. But it was SO HARD to rejoice and it is so much easier to mourn with those who mourn. What a beautiful article. Thanks for being real ❤️
So glad the article resonated with you! I’m so sorry to hear of all the troubles you’ve faced – I’m overwhelmed just reading them (and you had to live it!)
Praying for you as you come out of this season. My aunt had a rough season and she found a picture of an eagle, wet and bedraggled, but alright. She said she felt like the eagle, she just needed to do some healing and then she’d be able to soar again. She did and she has. May the same be true for you!
Praying that you continue to trust in the one who leads you still, even through the dark times.
Thank you sharing your story and lessons learned ❤ I needed the reminder .
Joanna – I really liked your article. It hit on a few things for me as well as a stir up in me a topic that I have yet to fully wrap my head around. From the fertility side I thought I would share our story of our first child which is more about my Sister In law than us. She had multiple miscarriages. Something like 5 or really high like that. The last 2 were twins and they were still born and actually have graves. My Sister In law was resentful at my wife for getting pregnant before she had her first child. She was pregnant with twins yet again and her due date was after my sons and she was actually pretty mad about that. Her anger was because she wanted to be the first to have kids since she was the oldest and I am sure in addition was caused by all the pain (physical and emotional) from her miscarriages. It was a shame for my wife the way her sister treated her over it. The thing was, the twins came early and are actually 1 month older than my son even though they were conceived later. She got what she wanted…but given her pain looking back I see the torture…I get it..however I don’t say it is ok for someone to be like that….especially when we are to celebrate life. But selfishness and self centeredness will consume us if we allow it. My Mother In law actually called us white trash when we announced baby number 3. So what’s up with people being so mean over others joy? Jealousy and lack of understanding I suppose. So tonight my Mom called. I could hear it in her voice. I knew she was going to announce death. I thought it was going to be 90 year uncle. Turns out is my 48 year old cousin. I guess I will be logging a 3rd trip in 2 months to Pennsylvania here soon. To Mourn with my family. Maybe Joanna – Mourning is easier because we have compassion. When is the last time you went to a funeral and they were complaining about the guys life? We usually find kindness and compassion so much easier when we are mourning. I guess Mourning is something we all have experienced and understand to a certain degree which gives us the ability to mourn easier than celebrate. But after all Joanna….isn’t death a celebration to eternal life? AMEN – May my Cousin Tommy join the rest of my extended family in heaven.
Yes, it’s very hard to handle those situations. I had infertility for 4 years and then finally got pregnant only to miscarry. I was devastated and wow was I angry at God! (This is the cliffs notes version)
Finally I realized
I couldn’t live like there was no God when I know there is. I returned to him April 11, 1999. My first child was born April 7, 2000 but her due date was…April 11!!! And 2 years later my son was born April 9. But guess what his due date was? April 11!!!
Going to baby showers and 1st AND 2nd birthday parties for people who started trying to get pregnant after we did was devastating. And sometimes I just couldn’t.
(p.s. I now have 4 children, the last of which was a surprise! No fertility treatments for him!!!)