If sex only happens once in a blue moon, and only if conditions are perfect, your husband may be a wildebeest.
Allow me to explain.
After our missions project at the Mulli Children’s Family that I told you about on Tuesday, our team spent two days on safari at Ambuseli Park in Kenya.
On safari, you’re broken up into groups of about 5 or 6 and taken around in these jeeps where you can stand up and see the animals and take pictures. A naturalist driver tells you all about the animals and the surroundings and history as you go on game drives.
Our friend Annie and I looking out over a family of elephants
We’ve been on safari before when the kids were younger, and I don’t know if it’s just that Rebecca’s an adult now, or if it’s because we were in a different park, but it seems like this safari was very R-rated. We saw multiple animals mating. We saw a male elephant that looked like it had 5 legs (it must have been thinking about something interesting, but then they do say that an elephant never forgets). And we heard a whole lot about the mating habits of the various animals.
Connor, Rebecca’s husband, has just joined the team to help me out on this blog, and so the whole safari we were killing ourselves with possible blog posts.
Is your husband a baboon? (Let’s just say that baboons seem very interested in the task at hand, but said task rarely takes more than 4 seconds. I can’t think that is very satisfying for the woman.)
Is your husband an elephant–who has a great fantasy life all by himself?
Is your husband a lion, who competes for all the women, and masters the women, but then also does no work and expects them to feed him.
Or is your husband a crowned crane, a bat-eared fox, or a goose who mates for life, and frequently will die of heartache if his mate dies?
But the one we settled on, the one that we just couldn’t get over, was The Lone Wildebeest.
Allow me to tell you the sad tale of male wildebeests.
Wildebeests live in large family groupings, with women running the family. When the males get to a certain age, they’re kicked out of the group, and go off to live on their own.
These wildebeests now have one main desire in life: to mate. They want to attract a woman wildebeest, and Get. It. On.
The only problem? The females are only interested in “getting it on” once a year, during the migration.
So here’s how it works. The male wildebeest has to scout out the landscape, and choose a territory that he hopes some females will pass through during migration. Then he guards that territory with great ferocity.
But the females only pass through the good territory. Conditions have to be perfect, you see. Some territories, then, are better than others. Throughout the year the male wildebeest might challenge another wildebeest to get a better piece of land, but even that is a bit of a crapshoot, because you never know what those women wildebeests are going to do.
Our lone wildebeest could stand there for the entire year, hoping upon hope that she will come his way, only to see her pass 100 feet to the left and go through some other wildebeest’s territory.
All over the African savannah are these lonely wildebeests, standing all by themselves, guarding their tiny plot of land, hoping against hope that maybe, just maybe, conditions will be perfect enough for her to say yes, on that fateful day once a year.
Our lone wildebeest in his territory, with Mount Kilimanjaro in the background
These lonely animals dot the landscape, guarding their land. And they wait.
(Now, the analogy breaks down a little bit here because the wildebeests who do get lucky get REALLY lucky, and can mate with up to 100 females in a day. Then they have to spend the next year getting their energy up again. But let’s just work with the waiting lone wildebeest trying to create the perfect conditions, and never knowing if that will be enough. That’s the picture that really resonated with me.)
I think a lot of us have turned our husbands into lone wildebeests.
They’re out there, trying so hard to make conditions perfect, but never knowing if it will actually work. And even if it does work, it’s only for one day in an endless long series of other days. That’s an awfully lonely life.
As I explained in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, most men make love in order to feel loved. When a woman enthusiastically wants to have sex with him, then he feels as if she is accepting him and loves him. Women, on the other hand, often need to feel loved in order to make love.
If you look at that equation, then, it seems as if it’s easier for men to feel loved than it is for women to feel loved, and I actually think that’s quite true. If a man feels like you appreciate him and that you want him then, in general, he’ll feel ten feet tall. Oxytocin, that bonding hormone that we release during sex, will kick in, lowering his stress and making him more affectionate. He’ll feel competent and appreciated, and he’ll want to keep excelling in the family sphere because it’s something he does well.
It seems so easy! So why, oh, why, is it so hard for women to want to make love like that?
Because we don’t work that way.
I’ve known many men who are working so hard to make conditions absolutely perfect–they’re being saints at home, but we often don’t acknowledge it, thinking that they have an ulterior motive, and so they don’t deserve to be thanked.
Are we too focused on what is “right” and what is “fair“?
Women are naturally multi-taskers, and we have a million things in our minds at one time. If our husbands meet one of our needs, then, we’ll simply think of 99 others that are unmet, because all of it is sloshing around in our brains, all the time. We’re asking ourselves, how much did he care for the kids today? How much housework did he do? Did he let me talk? Did he care? And if the answer is no in any of these areas, we tend to hold it as our right to pull back from him until he improves.
We don’t tend to feel all lovey dovey towards him when he does something right. We don’t feel ten feet tall when he does the dishes or takes care of the kids. We simply think, “that’s what he should have been doing anyway”–and then we focus on all the other things we still need.
So the adage, “meet your spouse’s needs, and they’ll meet yours” has much more of a chance of working for women than it does for men.
It’s much easier to make conditions perfect for a guy, you see (you just have to walk through his territory!), then it is for a guy to make conditions perfect for you (he has to figure out what territory you like, make claim to it, make it perfect, and make sure he’s exactly in the right place at the right time). Because men can focus on one thing at a time, then when you show appreciation, he feels appreciated. Because women are multi-taskers, we’re not as straightforward, and it’s harder for us to feel all lovey dovey.
I know that so many of us have good reasons for not wanting to walk into our husband’s territory. Maybe he doesn’t care about your pleasure in the bedroom. Maybe he’s addicted to porn or is controlling or abusive.
And if that’s the case, you certainly have to deal with those things before you work on sex!
But for many of us, I do believe that we are making our husbands wait an awfully long time for sex–and then we’re still saying, “Conditions aren’t quite perfect.” That’s not going to create a happy marriage. And it’s going to make your husband really lonely.
So let me ask you–are you acting like a female wildebeest?
Then perhaps it’s time to stress sex more in your marriage! My Boost Your Libido course can help you do just that, showing you that you actually can feel more in the mood. You don’t need conditions to be perfect. You can take control over so many aspects of your libido, and you can start thinking differently about sex! And then you can start creating the marriage you want.
Don’t let your husband get discouraged like this.
Our poor lone male wildebeest
Don’t let him be a lonely wildebeest. Just love him–even if conditions aren’t perfect. And I think you’ll both be much happier.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
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Conditions were perfect lol – right out of Flight of the Concords- you sort out the recycling. Thats not part of it but its very important 🤪. Sheila – when I tried to explain what you wrote to Grace a while back before I got to know you and this blog her question was this: Why does she have to be first? Why does she have to give first then the guy/me is all happy and does the dishes and cleans and helps and everything is in harmony etc. Now – I say it isnt she has to be first because I can do dishes and help and etc first – but truth be confirmed in what you wrote – YES – When we have sex regulalry(which by the Grace of God we do). I am on board and will consciously say to myself. Ok push yourself harder to help and be there for her – lift her up how she needs etc when she goes first. It then becomes I dont even know who went first and what does it matter? We just do it lol. All of it. Dishes and sex (although not at the same time). I want to add today that you ran a peice on initation while you where gone. Another reader didnt like my comments and decided that peice was just for women. I have to tell you Sheila – it was for men too. I have not initiated since that article. Not sure why except I have been extemely worn out from my schedule and my ailments. However it feels like the first time in my life I can wait. I have always been the initiator 99.8% of the time for over 20 years. I will say that we have only been off by 1 time per week on average since I stopped initiating. (Also this is not a permannet choice for me – it is approriate for our relationship). While this helps me feel loved and I really do appreciate her and love her for giving to me. The thing is, when she initiates, the sex becomes more about her. So now I am getting what I want and she is getting what she wants and she gets the dishes done and help around the house and moral support etc etc. Good stuff Sheila – THANKS!
I love that Flight of the Concord song! 🙂 I think I sent it to Sheila once in email, not sure she saw it though 🙂
Oh, I do love that song! We play it at marriage conferences all the time. 🙂
Oh we learned a ton from that song. Besides a ton of laughter from that song, My favorite thing I learned…. was….well…was while 2 minutes is always a plausible reality thank God its not a constant – whew….cuz I Been there got the t-shirt. Team builiding exercise 99!
Glad you liked it, Phil! (and yes, that Flight of the Conchords song was going through my head, too!) I’m glad you’re at a new place where you’re both learning things.
I can really see how it goes back to “how much can I control” as a wife. I “control” the house, the kids, shopping, food – everything. But my husband doesn’t want to be controlled, he simply wants to be loved. It’s sad to see the comparison because it is so true. I have to give up control to love him the way that he yearns to be loved…and that is hard. Johanna
It is hard, Johanna! I think the big thing we women need to do is stop looking at all the things that need to be done and just look at our husbands.
Excellent analogy – thank you!
I’m feeling pretty sorry for the female wildebeest, too! They have NO idea what they’re missing! LOL!
Seriously, I really wish that every woman knew how much she needs sexual intimacy with her husband. I’ve discovered that if my husband and I go for longer than two nights without sex, I stop thinking I want intimacy at all, gradually become moody and cranky, and I get my feelings hurt easily. After discovering that, I’ve made sure, in the last two years, that we make love an average of 5 times a week!😁 (including 9 months of pregnancy and 12 months of adjusting to life with our first baby!😳)
Even in the times where I don’t get complete physical pleasure myself, there is nothing so emotionally satisfying or bonding as seeing that look of sleepy love in my husband’s eyes as we cuddle close together afterwards, and knowing that my lumpy, not so perfect post baby body still can drive him crazy!
So – who should I feel more sorry for? The poor lonely male wildebeest who knows what he wants but isn’t “getting lucky”, or all the female wildebeest who think they are in control and have all they want, but are missing out on something very special? 😉
AmandaH. I agree so much with what you said. And I have more to add to it.
When you say “They have NO idea what they’re missing”, this goes both ways. I’m a man, and I give my wife awesome sex (I really do). So although your comment has a huge implication for women, I’d like to take it a step further and say that men who don’t/aren’t/can’t please their wife to her full potential are missing out on the best wildebeest experience. There is nothing quite like an over the top horny wife.
Men; You have NO idea what you, and they, are missing. Sex isn’t about release alone, it’s about FUN! Ok, and other stuff too, but it’s mostly for fun. SO have some fun, and do whatever you can to make it more fun for your wife than it is for you. When you give unselfish sex you will find that you are more fulfilled by her then you thought possible.
This is hilarious. I’ve never heard it before. Generally we see wildebeest hanging out with their one million plus friends. But we did watch — literally an hour or more — a poor giraffe who just couldn’t get his girl to commit. He’d circle and circle her and then get in place, all ready, and then at the last minute she’d walk just a few steps forward and he was out of luck. We finally gave up as we understood this could go on all day.
I LOVE this analogy! 💖💖 And I love seeing all the pictures from your trip!
I’m a male wildebeest. Except i’m the wife🤦🏽♀️ things have to be just right for my husband to want to be with me. If i’m lucky it might happen once a week…which is still great compared to some times in our marriage. But it does get tiring and awfully lonely😞 Kind of makes you feel more like roommates than spouses.
With you girl! It’s so hard to live with loneliness in a relationship. Such a word contradiction! I grew up with a narcissist father and now a husband who refuses any intimacy unless it’s perfect for him. So hard on person’s emotional and mental well being. I gotta say though, the daily struggle drives me to God like nothing else I’ve ever experienced.! I’m praying for you! You truly are not alone!
This is great! All I ever knew about the wildebeest from the discovery channel is that everyone wants to eat them. I didn’t even realize they had time to mate 😂😂
Great analogy tho. And I’m quite sure it has happened in my marriage. Not intentionally I don’t think. But it’s hard to turn off your mind and so easy to turn off other things (desire). A husband can do all the right things and say something hurtful (however unintentionally!!) and it just kills the mood.
The part about your husband becoming more affectionate is so true. The last year and 1/2 in I’ve been persueing my husband and his entire demeanor has changed. We went from 2 to 3 nights of intimacy to almost every night and he is all about my happiness!!! We even talk about how great our marriage has become…it’s crazy! It reminds me of our relationship with Christ; the more time we spend with Him the closer we are and the more time we spend, intamately, with our spouses the stronger our relationship! He sees us as one flesh and that’s the way I like to keep things.😉
This really is true! When I talk about it, though, a lot of women feel like it’s emotional blackmail (he’ll only be nice to me if we have sex). It’s not that at all. It’s just that he naturally feels more affectionate, and your whole relationship is more natural. It’s really beautiful!
Sheila,
I’m wondering if you could write a whole post on the dynamic of “he’ll only be nice to me if we have sex” I am not trying to manipulate. The worst part of this dynamic is that after sex I feel loved and cared for and become more affectionate. But it just confirms for her that all I want is sex. IT is an awful dynamic and I don’t know how to break it.
Yeah, that’s really quite hormonal! It’s all the oxytocin kicking in. I have written about that before, but it’s a great idea to revisit, so I’ll try to do that really soon!